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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
FilthyforFirth · 31/05/2021 09:45

Good news for now. Really hope he stays put and doesnt quit his job. I hope you can have a nice family evening together - meal/film/games whatever. Just light hearted fun.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 31/05/2021 09:49

@Mix56 DH picked him up from the mothers house. It's the dads week but not sure if she's there or not.
We know it's not 'over' yet and predict he will try and go back whenever she's at the Mums house.
We're honestly just happy to have him home and can try and get back some sort of normality.

We just don't want him to walk in the house and think he's going to be in trouble or start on at him about work/school etc.
The conversation will be happening, just not yet.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 31/05/2021 09:53

Brilliant news!!! And such a good way to handle it, admire your patience. You are definitely doing the right thing but I would struggle not to give lectures and get details and want him to realise she is not good for him. But you are right not to as you can't tell him that he has to figure it out himself.

This is a massive step forward, delighted for you.

Mix56 · 31/05/2021 10:02

Agreed, best to let him relax, sleep, eat food he likes, play on console with his brothers.. he gets constant ear bashing from her... Take the pressure off. It will be really beneficial

I know what you want to say, as I said, I have been in a very similar situation.
As hard as it feels, dont force the conversation on him yet...

balzamico · 31/05/2021 10:08

That's great news, can you try and keep him busy with lovely family stuff so he has less opportunity to be in his room on his phone to her?

Mrgrinch · 31/05/2021 10:20

So glad he's home OP. I hope things improve.

Ckzoaa · 31/05/2021 10:44

I've been following this thread from the start and just wanted you to know OP that you're a fantastic mother and your sons are very lucky to have you!
I hope that he gets bored of this toxic girl and realises what she has done. Her parents are a disgrace they need to get themselves backbones.
Good luck OP Smile

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/05/2021 10:50

Very happy he's back home just now and agree that it's best to let him settle in for a bit before having The Conversation - but you could also just say "any time you want to talk, we're here to listen" just so he knows that he can bring it up if he wants to, rather than thinking it's just the elephant in the room that no one can discuss.

AlexaStop · 31/05/2021 10:55

OP I'm another who admires your strength. You're a brilliant mother

PeachyLife · 31/05/2021 10:56

Happy for you,OP. But I doubt it's the end of things till you know why he is back. I think you have so much patience but there will be a time when you and your son need a heart to heart talk about what happened and how not to let anyone ever bully him like this again and why you and your husband love him enough to be patient till he finds his way home. Sending you my best thoughts and hugs.

PeachyLife · 31/05/2021 10:58

oops OP, just saw the post where you wrote that you will be having the conversation when the time is right. Please ignore that comment of mine. X

Budapestdreams · 31/05/2021 11:00

He is under huge stress and pressure from her. More than we all probably realise.
I'm so glad he's home but please make sure that home is a loving supportive place that he feels relaxed and welcome and calm. That is the best thing you can do for him.

itsgettingwierd · 31/05/2021 11:13

So glad he's home.

Think you are managing it well with no pressure and just making him feel wanted and loved.

There is hope that if he gets unconditional love at home despite his behaviour he'll realise the GF gives him love conditional of his actions.

Drinkingallthewine · 31/05/2021 11:19

Possibly he's home because her father is forcing it. There could be ructions going on over there, but I think you've done brilliantly.

The talk can happen, but to do it now only piles on him when he's probably getting it from her, the dad and possibly the mother all dictating to him and more than likely, all wanting him to do different things.

So for now, let your home be the conflict free zone for him to be able to step away from that fucked up family and the longer your house is a sanctuary away from the madness, the more likely he'll want to use it.

The talk can happen when he's had a bit of distance from it - and it might not be over just yet.

dapsnotplimsolls · 31/05/2021 11:30

Great news that he's back. Tell him it's up to him where he eats, he's welcome to eat with you. Don't give him the opportunity to tell her that you're 'forcing' him to eat with you.

forumdonkey · 31/05/2021 11:37

There's nothing to be gained atm by going over old ground. I'm sure there's nothing new to say that you haven't said before. Also, when he realises how happy, calm and relaxed it is at home, it'll be a contrast to the drama he clearly lives in with her.

Anything that comes up in the future, remember to talk about the actions, not about her.

forumdonkey · 31/05/2021 11:39

Saying to him ' we miss you' is less emotive than saying 'you spend too much time with Gf'

RandomMess · 31/05/2021 11:49

Glad he is back.

With the "you don't love me accusations" you always counter that with "love isn't let you do what you want, we love you so very much but we still have to be responsible parents"

HazelBite · 31/05/2021 12:30

I would be all bright and breezy and smiley around him, and not engage in any "deep" conversations around him ie talk about anything other than him and his gf.
Don't play to his and gf's tune, giving him and her any ammo!

SofiaMichelle · 31/05/2021 13:34

I'm so pleased for you, OP.

It sounds like, you have planned a good approach for settling him back in and having the difficult conversations later.

My fingers are crossed for you all!

Justilou1 · 31/05/2021 13:46

Does he think it's okay to come and go as he likes from your place to the mother's? Is he still going to quit his job? I think you still need to kick in some boundaries of your own.

PinkPoloMint · 31/05/2021 14:39

Great news @workworkworkugh 🌸🌷🌺🌹

Faranth · 31/05/2021 17:44

When you think he might be ready to talk - I just wanted to say that my DM used to sit in the bedroom with me, in the dark so we couldn't see each other, when she knew something was bothering me.

It made it so much easier to talk when I couldn't see her. It meant I wasn't as defensive as I wasn't trying to read her reaction. It was more like talking to myself iyswim, I could pretend she wasn't there.

EarlLeighIndamornin · 31/05/2021 17:55

I've followed all your threads.

Honestly, now he's home I'd take his phone off him.

Mummyratbag · 31/05/2021 18:09

Faranth that is a really good idea - my kids (much younger) will talk if I lie down next to them at bedtime and the lights are out. Also whilst in the car as you can't look at them (obviously not safe if too emotional)