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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Sssloou · 30/05/2021 09:33

I think it is coming to a head because the DF was the one with different (better?) boundaries. If I remember correctly there was never an expectation that after the first week with the DM they would move together to the DFs. He also put them in separate rooms. I am guessing that it was the dreadful DM who engineered the staying over in the first place and the DF was painted into a corner.

He will not want Romeo and Juliette back at his house a second week again - so he is trying to wriggle out of it but get you guys to carry the can.

Step away. Don’t engage.

Let this implode in their own family unit drama triangle. This is their usual MO.

Stick to the process - focus on and only communicate lightly and positively with your DS.

And yes I agree with PP about the jobs. She is likely a “High Conflict Personality” (you can google that) - soon he will see that she is the common denominator - if you keep out of her way.

Justilou1 · 30/05/2021 11:16

I would suggest that DF has NO boundaries. He IS uncomfortable with DS there all the time, but he wants @workworkworkugh to sort it out because he is terrified of GF and her DM. He doesn’t want to be seen to be the bad guy because he lives in fear of recrimination. I suspect that he has NEVER said a thing to the DM at all. She is still lording it over the universe because SHE has won the competition between her and @workworkworkugh. It was HER idea always.

Justilou1 · 30/05/2021 11:17

My suggestion is to stay out of it all. Keep silent and uninterested. It will implode. DS will have nowhere else to turn.

Notaroadrunner · 30/05/2021 11:28

I agree with others who say do not fund him if he does give up his job. If her parents then come looking for money to cover his living expenses don't give them a cent. Reiterate that he is welcome home at any time but given he has chosen to leave home, it's up to him to fund his own expenses.

StaffRepFeistyClub · 30/05/2021 11:44

Be careful in case you get lumbered paying rent for them both somewhere. Just in case her parents are scrambling for an exit route which includes them moving into a place of their own!

Anothermother3 · 30/05/2021 13:26

I really think these parents are pathetic. Kids need boundaries and this girl is awful. Her mental health isn’t your concern and sadly shouldn’t be your Ds’ but obviously you can’t say that to him. Have you had any light contact with him lately. Honestly I don’t know any better way you could have played this but I hope you are having a bit of time for yourself because emotionally you must be drained. Have fun with your other boys (I don’t mean that in a trite way as I know you will have your DS on your mind) and I hope things change sooner rather than later.

Mix56 · 30/05/2021 15:33

Does he want to leave work because she wants to leave ?
I would definitely try to get him to keep his job until he finds another
1 It keeps him busy/away from her
2 You cannot give him any more than you are currently. won't he want a car at some point ?
3 If they are both not working they will spend more time together

KarmaNoMore · 30/05/2021 16:07

I think good parenting involves letting kids learn from their mistakes. I wouldn’t be encouraging him to find a job ir anything, I would just let him lear what happens when you have no income, at the end of the day, he has a house and food to come back to... if he wants to.

Mix56 · 30/05/2021 17:31

It's interesting that he is asking you though..

Justilou1 · 30/05/2021 22:55

I think if you want him to keep his job, now is the time to tell him that he’s funding his own driving lessons and phone since he lives elsewhere now. It might keep him on a more stable trajectory (and give him time without her.)

DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/05/2021 23:38

@Justilou1

My suggestion is to stay out of it all. Keep silent and uninterested. It will implode. DS will have nowhere else to turn.
This.

Week2 at the Dad’s house could be the turning point.

WalkthisWayUK · 31/05/2021 00:35

I think good parenting involves letting kids learn from their mistakes I differ as I don’t see that as parenting. I see that as just letting kids fail while we are elsewhere.

Eventually kids will make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them because they had good secure parenting in the past. But that is after parenting stops.

Justilou1 · 31/05/2021 04:42

Good parenting allows kids to fail and learn from their mistakes - and being there to give them the skills and resilience to pick up and try again or learn something new. Nobody is suggesting that good parenting involves dumping them in the dirt and pointing and and laughing at them! 🙄 You can’t expect your kids to grow to be independent in action or thought if you “fix” every single thing for them. Real life has consequences.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/05/2021 08:19

Just catching up - sounds like the parents have finally caught on that giving into their DD the whole time isn't necessarily the right move!

But I would be very wary of sending any text responses to the dad that seem to be you "washing your hands" of the situation, as they might be using those texts to feed into her narrative that you just don't give a shit about him or want him back. I wouldn't trust either of those parents as far as I could throw them - they're absolute twats and probably ready to stab you all in the back just to keep the peace.

Justilou1 · 31/05/2021 08:29

No... Just the dad, and he’s too chicken to do anything. He wants to throw the OP to the wolves though.

Justilou1 · 31/05/2021 08:38

Honestly, the mother is probably happy as a pig in poo.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 31/05/2021 09:19

Update... he is home!
He came home an hour ago and was in an ok mood. We're not even going to address what's happened, not yet anyway.
But he's also asked twice within 30mins of being home if we want him here for dinner or there (her house) Confused

He's in his room and has been on his phone constantly, to her we assume.
The longer he is here, the grumpier he seems to be and we can only imagine what's happening on his phone between them.
But we are not harassing him and are giving him space so not to bombard him.

But he is here. How the next few days go will determine how we move forward, will have to take it a day at a time.
But I got to see my son for the first time in just over a week and give him a hug for the first time in two weeks.

OP posts:
Petsgalore · 31/05/2021 09:24

Thats great news, so pleased for you that he is back

Moviestar · 31/05/2021 09:26

I'm delighted to hear your son is home with you. I feel terribly sorry for you and the appalling situation you have found yourself in, I feel the girlfriend's parents are responsible for most of this mess, with their endless appeasing and enabling.I have no advice but wanted to wish you well and hope that your obvious love for your son will win through in the end!

Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2021 09:27

Just keep telling him you love him as I'm pretty sure her texts will say you don't.
Please be prepared that he may go back to hers again - but don't react- let her behaviour be what he notices, not yours

notapizzaeater · 31/05/2021 09:30

That's brilliant, she won't be happy hes 'left her' so is probably giving him some grief. Awful that his first real relationship is so abusive 😫

MyOtherProfile · 31/05/2021 09:37

So glad he is home. Hope he can really feel the love now and realise what he is missing compared to being with her.

Justilou1 · 31/05/2021 09:39

Really? I’d be insisting it’s time he gets back to reality.

Mix56 · 31/05/2021 09:41

So glad he's home.
Was it the father who bought him home ? Have both the parents decided he should leave ? Who's week is it? As the parents are separated the mother may back track....

SavoyCabbage · 31/05/2021 09:45

Oh gosh that’s great!

You are doing the right thing by just leaving him be. You’ve handled this really well throughout. This might not be the end of it all but it’s certainly a good sign that it’s his family he’s turned to when things are rocky.

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