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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
CruCru · 28/05/2021 17:00

@LoudestCat14

Don't send the pass-agg threatening text, just keep reiterating that your DS knows he is welcome back whenever he wants to come home, your door is open etc etc. The parents have created this monster of a daughter and they should be the ones to deal with the fallout this time.
I agree. Realistically these people want you to take offence, swoop in and take the boy away and therefore get all the shit from their daughter. You’ll just have to grey rock them.
Drinkingallthewine · 28/05/2021 17:44

They want to set you up to be the baddie again because they are afraid of their DD.

You can see where she got her manipulative behaviour from, can't you? They were instrumental in it all coming to this and now they are fed up they want it to be YOUR problem now?

Fuck that.

I'd be non committal to any texts and offer them nothing in the way of advice or action on it. I'd stick to repeating that your door is always open for your DS whenever he wishes to come home, however you are afraid that you have no suggestions as to how they can resolve their household issues.

Because it is their problem now. Let them figure it out.

WellLarDeDar · 28/05/2021 17:46

tbh i think you should stop texting the parents, they're either antagonising you or being ridiculously spineless parents. if you really must text them you should just give the same blanket response every time that's 'he's welcome home when he's ready' and leave it at that.

PinkSatinMoon · 28/05/2021 18:55

Because it is their problem now. Let them figure it out.

totally ... 🌸

dapsnotplimsolls · 28/05/2021 19:24

What piss-poor parents they are. When did they split? Is their indulgence of their daughter linked to that?

Notaroadrunner · 28/05/2021 19:36

Agree with others. Just text the dad that 'Ds is welcome to come home at any stage, as we have told him'. And don't engage with solutions as to how this should happen. Let them be the bad guys this time.

crowsfeet57 · 28/05/2021 20:21

You have my complete admiration OP. I'd have lost the plot with girl's parents ages ago.

Mamadramallama · 28/05/2021 21:02

Been following from the beginning, I think you've been brilliant and so strong. I agree with others, you should stick to the our son is loved and welcome home any time replies

FilthyforFirth · 28/05/2021 21:10

Echoing everyone else. Definitely stop responding to the parents. Constantly tell DS he is more than welcome home anytime and leave it at that. There is no need to communicate with them.

Dont give in and end up being 'the bad guys' again.

I really hope this is the begining of the end for you.

BlackAlys · 28/05/2021 21:55

The chickens are definitely going home to roost for the parents now OP. Talk about short-sighted.

You can see why the DD has turned out the way she has - allowed to have everything she wants.

You are pretty awesome OP.

Justilou1 · 29/05/2021 01:44

I think you are going to have to set boundaries with the father. Let him know that until he and his ex are on the same page and willing to stand up to their own child, nothing is going to change. They have to set boundaries in their own houses, just like you have been attempting to all along.

PinkSatinMoon · 29/05/2021 02:47

Her Father will tell DD and your DS about the messages and he will blame everything in You, you know he will, because He and His ExWife, refuse to accept any responsibility for their DD's behaviour reactions threats and controlling aggression.

Grey Rock them OP, for your sake and to stop them using you as the fall guy again. 🌸

Justilou1 · 29/05/2021 02:51

Just assume the father is spineless

Faultymain5 · 29/05/2021 05:15

@workworkworkugh how are your other children throughout this time?

Have they mentioned anything about it? These things do usually have an effect, but those effects might be missed, because everyone is focusing on one child.

I know for a fact I would not have handled this situation very well. I know I would have reacted harshly with a hammer.

Hopefully you are turning a corner. I’m hesitant to count my (your) chickens though.

BlackAlys · 29/05/2021 08:03

@Justilou1

I think you are going to have to set boundaries with the father. Let him know that until he and his ex are on the same page and willing to stand up to their own child, nothing is going to change. They have to set boundaries in their own houses, just like you have been attempting to all along.
This.
Pickledpenguin · 29/05/2021 08:40

No wonder the girl is so messef up when her parents have no clue how to parent. Now they have raised a monster and are not sure how to cope. Op you have my deepest sympathies. I hope you get your boy home soon.

holb54 · 29/05/2021 16:32

Feeling for you OP, can't imagine to even begin what it's like to be in the position you're in, it sounds horrific.. well done for keeping your cool (even if you think you haven't, trust me you have. I'd have snapped!). Remember to look after yourself, DH and your other sons, I'm sure this all seems all consuming at the moment but you're doing everything a mother could and I fully understand your reasons for not forcing anything.. just keep doing what you're doing, loving him whilst also showing him that you in no way condone it, unfortunately you can't always help people who don't want to help themselves but you can keep trying and being his safe space. Thinking of you all x

Twoforthree · 29/05/2021 17:22

Another one saying grey rock them. Assume that texts will be shared with the dd so don’t write anything you don’t want her to see.

newnortherner111 · 29/05/2021 17:55

I hope ultimately it all ends happily for you OP.

eddiemairswife · 29/05/2021 18:10

I've had to look up 'grey rock'.

YourWinter · 30/05/2021 01:02

OP are the GF's parent's funding your DS while he is staying there, buying (and cooking?) his meals, doing his laundry, paying for his internet use (perhaps this is unlimited). Maybe their DD doesn't eat a lot - are they noticing an increase in their grocery bills as a result of them being there?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 30/05/2021 01:28

@YourWinter we assume so. I know DS would be doing his own washing as he does it at home. They haven't asked us for money and we haven't given any money to them or DS but he does have his own account and some money from work so not sure if he's contributing in any way.

Also DS has messaged us and told us he wants to quit work. We just said that it's up to him and he'd have to find another way to earn money, we also don't think it's a great choice but it's his choice all the same.
(Another point to note is the GF started at his workplace a month ago and she is also looking to quit as she has been applying elsewhere)

@Faultymain5 our other two boys seem ok. One went on school camp recently and the other one loved being the only child at home getting lots of attention.
They of course miss him but DS didn't spend much time with them/us or at home leading up to this anyway so there hasn't been a huge change really.
We are just trying to keep up their normal routine.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 30/05/2021 03:52

If he quits his job have you made it clear you won't be bank rolling him and he'll need to cut his expenses? I'd suggest he looks for a job elsewhere before he quits, easier to get a job when your in a job and good from a reference point. But working in the same place as GF isn't ideal.

I've been reading along but not had much to contribute. But I really wish you well in getting him out of her claws.

scrappydappydoo · 30/05/2021 08:13

Just a thought - I wonder if the work situation is another mini version of what is happening to you e.g she works there too and has been somehow ‘insulted’ by the employer so is looking for another job and making him quit because they upset her... just another example of controlling him.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 30/05/2021 09:20

@scrappydappydoo

Just a thought - I wonder if the work situation is another mini version of what is happening to you e.g she works there too and has been somehow ‘insulted’ by the employer so is looking for another job and making him quit because they upset her... just another example of controlling him.
Hmmmm that was my thought too. How easy will he find it to get another job? This might be a small WTH moment if he quits but can't get another job. Agree also with PP - make it clear YOU will not be funding him (obvs tho if in a really dire emergency you'd help - you are his parents and love him after all- he need to know you're not totally abandoning him) but if he wants to be treated like a grown up, he acts like one. I think that these days, people are all too aware of their 'rights and entitlements' - but then don't realise (or conveniently ignore) their flip side, responsibilities and consequences.