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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

999 replies

workworkworkugh · 14/05/2021 22:24

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Mix56 · 27/05/2021 16:06

Yes unfortunately you can't say anything like, "you virtually kidnapped our child, if you don't want him there, bring him home. Your sociopath daughter will create a shit show, but you created this monster, I am not getting involved with you telling him to leave, I am not prepared for more death threats from your psycho bitch daughter"

DdraigGoch · 27/05/2021 16:57

"The door is alway open for DS, he only has to ask us..."

"...if only she'd unlock the manacles"

Reearry · 27/05/2021 18:08

I have been following the thread from the beginning OP and you have been doing a great job considering the circumstances. However, I would ask you to be mindful of what you say/ type to the girls parents. They do not have your best interests at heart and will manipulate everything to suit their interests. You can best be assured that the girls father will share the messages from you and twist it to suit their narrative. So I would ask you to be extremely mindful of the words you type and say and use phrases that cannot be twisted. Have a couple of phrases on hand to use constantly...we love our son and he knows he can come back home anytime . He knows we love him and he knows he can come back home anytime. He knows his family is always happy to have him home etc etc

CruCru · 27/05/2021 18:51

Must admit that I now have a delicious rush of schadenfreude (about the girlfriend’s parents, not you obviously). They’ve encouraged him to move in with them and are now wondering how to get out of it.

I agree that her parents will share all messages with your son and his girlfriend. I like the idea of using the phrases Reearry suggested.

4OneDay · 27/05/2021 19:10

I would reach out to your son and ask if there are any problems as girlfriend’s dad reached out asking he go home. Tell him your door is open but understand if he prefers staying with girlfriend. Get the upper hand before they do.

Rejoiningperson · 27/05/2021 19:35

I don’t understand. So what if you are the bad guys? That’s ok. If they want you to come and take DS home, then why not do that? Someone has to parent - they aren’t kids in a hotel.

itsgettingwierd · 27/05/2021 19:41

Simply reply "when you tell my ds he is no longer welcome we will collect him. We didn't agree this was in his best interests in the first place however you insisted. If you've hanged your minds you need to tell him that and as his parents we will be there for him"

That way if they ever do show him or he says you didn't want him it's written evidence of the contrary.

forumdonkey · 27/05/2021 21:02

I'm late to the party but have read all three threads. It's heartbreaking and I feel for you. There's much criticism on these threads but what seems to be forgotten is that there are adults in this situation and they react as your DS and these adults have far more life experience than a 16 year old boy.

I'd be happy and loving towards him but I'd get on with family life. If I was seeing him at a game, I'd happily chat about all the great things you'd all done without him, eg cinema and meals out etc. Tell him that you missed him there but he's living with his gf and you don't want her to take it out on him. Yup, casually turn it back on her - in the nicest way.

I'd have to stop with the driving lessons and everything other than his phone.

Remember, when talking about what's happening, make it about the actions, not about her. You're also entitled to tell him how you feel about reading things about yourself on FB, eg hurt, upset.

Good luck OP, stay strong.

JudyGemstone · 27/05/2021 23:07

Might be good to get him while he’s at dads in case mum isn’t on the same page?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 27/05/2021 23:21

Interestingly, the kids are at the Mums this week and the Dad was the one messaging, so not sure if the Mum knows. They usually discuss things so she may well do, but can't say for certain.

It's still quite funny to me, this is exactly what we said would happen. DH and I know that GF is going to throw a major tantrum if DS comes home and I think the dad has just realised that too.

One part of a message asked us for ideas to encourage DS to come home but he doesn't think "just dropping him off home is the right thing to do" 🙄

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 27/05/2021 23:43

Been a lurker for a while...so glad it's progressing positively, finally

From your most recent posts I'm delurking to say, as tempting as it must be to snatch at this tiny end of a thread of hope, please stay strong and stick to your most recent modus operandi.

Don't make this a joint problem you need to help his parents solve. Enjoy the schadenfreude, keep the breezy positive messages to DS, and to the Dad "of course he's welcome to come home whenever he wants" on an absolute broken record, do not engage in the solution for them, just lots of "gosh how tricky" and long gaps between replies to texts to the dad. Your DS will be home much quicker that way than if you break cover now. Slowly slowly catchee monkey etc. Keep going OP Flowers

PinkSatinMoon · 28/05/2021 03:13

This is a great turn of events @workworkworkugh

Stay calm and let them unleash in their daughter ... don't let then use you...

Stat positive ☺️🌸🌷

Toasty280 · 28/05/2021 07:15

tell them they created the situation they need to solve it....

Sssloou · 28/05/2021 07:32

@Cavagirl

Been a lurker for a while...so glad it's progressing positively, finally

From your most recent posts I'm delurking to say, as tempting as it must be to snatch at this tiny end of a thread of hope, please stay strong and stick to your most recent modus operandi.

Don't make this a joint problem you need to help his parents solve. Enjoy the schadenfreude, keep the breezy positive messages to DS, and to the Dad "of course he's welcome to come home whenever he wants" on an absolute broken record, do not engage in the solution for them, just lots of "gosh how tricky" and long gaps between replies to texts to the dad. Your DS will be home much quicker that way than if you break cover now. Slowly slowly catchee monkey etc. Keep going OP Flowers

I would agree with this and also keep this up if / when he comes home - because he could be boomer ranging between you all for a while and even if he isn’t the RS will still be all push pull drama triangle toxic energy trying to involve you - be indifferent, never talk about her or the relationship, change the subject - bright and breezy with your focus on fun activities positive experiences that the rest of the family are doing - he can join if he wants (never beg) - so he can see the contrast - social, light, varied, fun stuff with lots of family and friends or one to one knotted heavy engulfing suffocating abusive emotional stuff with his GF - his choice.
StaffRepFeistyClub · 28/05/2021 07:53

Don’t help them they didn’t help you.

Karma

Clutterbugsmum · 28/05/2021 08:08

The father said quite a few, utterly ridiculous, things about being hesitant to bring him home etc
Sounds like they want us to be the bad guys and pick him up so they don't have to feel the wrath of their daughter and she can focus her anger at me instead of them.

That's exactly what it is. They are so wrapped up in not upsetting their little baby, that they have created the monster that is their teenage child.

Newstaronhorizon · 28/05/2021 08:32

Why would he be getting driving lessons without contributing anything in return? It has to be give and take at that age otherwise they become entitled and spoilt.

Cleaning the windows, gardening, doing stuff for others etc this is all impt at this age. Also prepares them for independent life.

Wants a lift? What's he doing in return?

I think a sense of humour is in order now, laugh off her ridiculous behaviour.

Keep exchanges with your son light-hearted so he doesn't see you as an adversary.

But start giving him lessons in give and take otherwise he will take for granted the kindness he is receiving.

Mummyratbag · 28/05/2021 08:35

They are completely and utterly spineless! Let it implode, everything crossed he will be running home soon. Meanwhile enjoy the peace of not having to engage with her.

Dashel · 28/05/2021 08:43

Definitely don’t be the bad guys here.

I can’t believe that her parents didn’t think about the consequences of having your son to stay. The gf was never going to be happy with a week or two, I’m sure she would be thinking that they would be together forever. Her parents created this situation and they need to call time on it, al, I would do is repeat we love you and this will always be your home, we would love you to come home, but it’s your choice.

I would also be wary of anything you say to her parents can be twisted and any texts can be shared.

I think you are amazing OP. It’s a horrible situation and I hope it ends soon

LookItsMeAgain · 28/05/2021 09:59

@workworkworkugh - in relation to this comment in your last post
One part of a message asked us for ideas to encourage DS to come home but he doesn't think "just dropping him off home is the right thing to do" I would feel that in your position I would have to respond with something along these lines (but obviously not word for word and I've just used random names in the example):

Hi John,
I am sorry but I cannot help you in working out how to encourage Mike to leave your daughter.
DH and I could see that this would happen based on past events but we were given no support from you or your wife in trying to prevent it from happening again so you're going to have to work out how to separate them safely and without causing our son any issues or any harm, or we will be left with no option but to bring charges against you and your wife for endangering our son. That last bit you may not want to include but it's how you feel.

Put the ball firmly and squarely back in their court. They are wimping out where setting good guidelines and expectations are concerned for their daughter.

I too hope this situation comes to an end soon for you. I do think though that if there was another girl involved perhaps your DS's head might be turned and he might spark up a friendship with another girl, especially if Psycho is his first 'real' love.

OwlIsBeingAnOwl · 28/05/2021 10:26

I disagree, don't send a text like that, it's engaging and needling. Don't deviate from just reminding your son he's welcome back, as others have said.

Zzzexhaustedzzz · 28/05/2021 11:11

OP well done I think you now have the right tactic and scenario. You are doing the best thing for your son.
Isn’t it awful how we have to ‘let go’ of kids at this age. I am in the midst of letting go of my daughter and it’s terrifying. 16yo, done her exams, wants to be out with friends I don’t even know.... This is my third and last teenager. I have only learnt that it can be very very hard and that boundaries and being consistent now is as important as with toddlers! Been through self harm, ED, possible ASD, OCD, misophonia.... not had anything like your situation so far and have followed your thread with interest and horror, as it is an extreme example of what can happen during this transitional phase, when they have so little life experience but can come across some of the most challenging behaviour of others.
Having left home at 15 myself and moved in with a manipulative older man, I have been thinking about what/ if anything could have helped me re. my parents behaviour. The best things they could have done are:
Made it clear they still cared about me and wanted to see me
Said and reinforced over time that they thought he was unsuitable due to his age and manipulative behaviour
Made sure I knew and reinforced that they would be there to help me
I got out after approx 18 months.
I hope you are finding time for yourself in all this.

prettybird · 28/05/2021 12:06

I've lurked on these threads and just wanted to applaud you in your measured approach in these difficult circumstances Thanks.

I agree that the broken record of "you are/our son is loved and welcome back whenever you want/he wants" (depending on whether the message is to him or to the gf's parents) is the right way to go and there is no need for further engagement, which could be twisted against you.

LoudestCat14 · 28/05/2021 15:16

Don't send the pass-agg threatening text, just keep reiterating that your DS knows he is welcome back whenever he wants to come home, your door is open etc etc. The parents have created this monster of a daughter and they should be the ones to deal with the fallout this time.

itsgettingwierd · 28/05/2021 16:35

@Toasty280

tell them they created the situation they need to solve it....
This. Nothing more nothing less.

They wanted him there to make their lives easier and now if it's easier for them he leaves they need to be the ones to instigate it.

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