My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

Please don't stop paying for his mobile - it cuts off contact with you and he may need it one day for rescue.

We've also told him we love him and miss him and want him home (in past conversations) and tonight he told us that's not true and we don't mean it.

OP, rather than your DS actually believing you don't want him home, this may be his way of expressing his insecurity - he's anxious about the possibility that you won't want him to come home and is seeking reassurance. Subconsciously he wants to know that his escape route is still open.

I hear what you're all saying, I do, but if she's convincing him that we don't love and care about him and we stop doing all those things it will confirm in his mind that she's right and we don't care.
I saw my psychologist yesterday which was helpful.
I have told the school as well and the person I spoke to said she would talk to DS, otherwise they didn't sound too bothered.

I think I'm with you @workworkworkugh.

Whilst you do these things he will know in his heart of hearts that you are there for him really. He can't throw it back in your faces later. It seems like a huge tug of war. Whilst you are there, just being normal, doing things for him and telling him he's welcome home it's still am option, despite the lies and poison she feeds him.

I am desperately sad that the school don't seem to care. I would keep on at them and come from several angles (tutor/coach/student services/head). Someone will care. Does his gf go to the same school?

I would continue paying phone and giving lifts to keep communication open and demonstrate you're there for him no matter what. Your actions show you care even if girlfriend tries to tell him otherwise. Such a difficult situation.

I agree OP, if I were you I would still offer him lifts, take him places, spend time with him etc. Show him that you do love him, keep that relationship going between you.

The gf wants to isolate him from you, don't let her! See him as often as possible but without being overbearing or getting involved in a tug of war. Keep that communication going, keep telling him you love him.

I do agree with a pp that he is doubting your love (gf obviously convincing him you don't care about him), so keep showing and telling him that you love him and that he is always welcome home.

Don't cut him off, if you do, that just helps the gf and her agenda.

Good luck.

I agree with you, @workworkworkugh - this is too delicate a situation for you to risk alienating your son completely and giving any grist to the girlfriend's mill that she is his only refuge.

.

I’ve been following your threads for awhile. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you but I think you’re doing the right thing. It sounds like the girlfriend hasn’t had a great experience of being parented with loving consistent boundaries and is interpreting the boundaries that you’ve put in place for your ds as ‘not love’ when in fact it’s the opposite.

@workworkworkugh, to expand on my last post, when your DS says he doesn’t believe you love him and want him home, it’s more than likely that there is a complex mix of factors and emotions underlying his statement.

Anxiety

• He could be anxious that you might not still love him or want him home after he’s gone against your wishes to move out of home and stay with his GF
• He could be anxious that you might not give him a second chance if he admits he’s made mistakes in the way he's handled the situation

Shame
Shame is a common and powerful emotion when you’re stuck in an abusive or controlling relationship – shame at getting into a mess in the first place and shame at not being able get out of it. Under these circumstances, shame can look from the outside like pride or stubbornness, but it's really a desperate desire to hide one's shameful failure from other people.
Your DS might be feeling some of the following:

• Ashamed that he can’t “fix” the relationship himself
• Ashamed that he needs help from others to manage the relationship and isn’t as grown-up and independent as he’d like to be
• Ashamed that he can’t make his relationship like normal, happy ones he sees elsewhere (parents, his mates and their girlfriends)
• Ashamed that his GF is the dominant one in the relationship, rather than him “being the man” (I grew up in Australia and am all too familiar with Aussie male culture)
• Ashamed that he isn’t mentally strong enough to take your advice and end the relationship

Anger

• He may be angry with you and blame you for not “rescuing” him by somehow forcing him to end the relationship - even though he made it very difficult or you to do that (I’m not suggesting he’s justified in blaming you)
• He may be angry with himself for being unable to get himself out of his current situation

All these emotions are very powerful motivators of behaviour, and they are all emotions that we prefer to hide from others (because admitting to them feels shameful in itself). It may be genuinely less psychologically distressing for your DS to buy into the narrative that his parents don’t want him anymore, than to admit to himself that his own actions might have jeopardised his relationship with you, or to acknowledge feelings of shame or anger.

Deep down, he doesn't really believes you don't love him and don't want him home - it's a defence mechanism that he's using at the moment to protect himself from having to acknowledge the sorts of emotions I've described above. He can cling to that narrative precisely because he knows it's not true, he knows that he's "safe" with you and saying these things won't make you reject him. The best you can do is keep the door open for him in a non-judgemental way that doesn't reinforce his sense of shame.

I know I have said it before, but I wonder if he really wants someone to make this all go away. By accusing you of not loving him is it anger that you can't make this stop?

He seems terrified that she will harm herself and that it is some how his responsibility to stop her.

Like I said way back give him a code word- remind him that he only has to say the word and you will get him out, no questions asked, that he is absolutely not responsible for what she does if he leaves. He can say it right now and you will make it all go away.

Keep going you are amazing.

@workworkworkugh, a couple more thoughts:

• Shame and low-esteem often go hand in hand. No matter how loved-up your DS might appear under current arrangements, it’s quite likely his self-esteem is on the floor. Having low self-esteem makes it difficult to act to resolve problems, because you doubt your own judgement and ability to succeed, and at some level you doubt that you “deserve” any better.

• He may be anxious that he’s going to be stuck in this relationship, or that he isn’t “worth” enough to get a better one in future.

• His comment about not believing you want him to come home may be him rejecting you before (according to his fears) you reject him – his way of regaining some control in a situation where he has very little because his GF is pulling all his strings.

Keep going OP. It’s tough, but keep going.

And do keep paying for the activities you approve of. You want him at sport and school and to have a phone - if he stops going because he doesn’t have lifts/can’t afford it, then it will close him off to the outside world and outside views, and he really needs to be doing as much as possible away from the GF to try and keep (get?) some perspective. Plus, it gives you 1:1 time with him during the drives, keeps your relationship going. And yes, I agree with others, the “you don’t love me” is testing you. He wants to be reassured each time, and is probably doing it more and more now as he feels unsettled and needs to know the escape room home is still there, despite what he has done. But these are big complex emotions for a teenage boy and he probably can’t articulate that.

I suggested before inviting him over for a family dinner. Our lunch? While she is at work? Favourite meal, sees his brothers, keeps the home connection and then he can go back, but he will feel more secure in his loving home. The more drama filled hers gets, the more yours will look like a great place to come home too.

You are doing really well OP. This is a v complex and enmeshed emotional situation where normal rules don’t apply.

100% keep his phone - and don’t get cross when he doesn’t respond - because it’s v v likely that she is screening, monitoring, censoring his phone and his interactions with you.

If the driving lessons and lifts to sports provide any one to one contact time with him seize it - little and often, simple opportunities where he can rebuild his trust and speak to you safely. Also you need him to be engaged in anything and everything where he gets to be away from her crazy home and immersed in normality.

Is the “you don’t love me comment” a new thing with him? I suspect that she is drip feeding this in his ear.

I expect he is very confused, ashamed and vulnerable.

Just keep being consistent, calm, light, available - keep that rope dropped because that previous tug of war tension is the energy in this RS. She needs this drama to triangulate the RS - once you step back then the valency isn’t there and it falls apart.

As others have said - let him know that he is loved and welcome home - that he can be collected at any time. Focus on him - don’t refer to the RS.

100% keep the lines open and the activities and all your participation. Keep doing what you are doing. My nephew is home and a changed boy, but it's taken years of calmly keeping the channel open to get to this. Keep telling him you love him. He's being silly really - why would you put yourselves through all this if you didn't? He needs to be reminded love isnt 'yes, do what you want' when you are a parent. It's 'yes, I will always try to do what you need.'

Such wise words Sssloou I wish I'd had your advice navigating my daughter through her teens thankfully through it now!! Good luck OP keep the faith x

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4245195-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-3

Oops, wrong thread 🤦🏻‍♀️

Glad to hear you are also getting support @workworkworkugh. Hang in there

So the dad has been messaging us recently, sounds like they have wanted DS to come home for a while now but that is not happening (and I can't see DS refusing them as that is not like him, so can only assume it's coming from her)
The father said quite a few, utterly ridiculous, things about being hesitant to bring him home etc
Sounds like they want us to be the bad guys and pick him up so they don't have to feel the wrath of their daughter and she can focus her anger at me instead of them.

Got to say, DH and I have had a little laugh about it, of course we absolutely want DS home and that is our ultimate goal, but at the same time, they (the parents) refused to listen to us, they encouraged constant time together and sleep overs and him moving in with them etc and now they don't know how to end it 🙊 we've told them what to do to get him home and they're still refusing to listen as they don't want to be the bad guys and want us to get him the off the hook. Starting to think another week there might not be so bad...kidding of course.
Sounds like we're on our way to get him home, I know it won't be easy once he's here but at least he's away from her more often

That sounds loads more positive. Sounds like the Dad doesn’t want another teen in his house for the coming week so is leading this.

I suspect that your assessment of it all is correct - that they are setting you up as the bad guys - don’t let this happen.

Please don’t engage with these despicable, manipulative people - they are not on your side. Anything you do or say will be twisted and YOUR relationship with YOUR son will be damaged. Give them zero ammunition.

Patience.

Deal only with your DS. Keep close to the rules and guidance you have set yourself. It’s working - stick with it to the end. Maybe him to go back and forth - don’t add any emotional energy to this.

we've told them what to do to get him home and they're still refusing to listen

Please don’t do this - he will share it with his DD and your DS.

Let it all implode on them - do not be in the way to catch any shrapnel never mind take the blame / brunt.

This might be good news. I would just answer saying you are happy to pick him up and have him home any time, and DS should just let you know when. Don't get involved in any of their chat!

@Sssloou it's hard when our DS refuses to respond in any way to us.
We asked that the father not mention the messages to DS/GF and I hope he honours that.
We of course want out son home and will do what we can, but I refuse to put myself in her firing line again to save their asses because they're to weak to say no to her.

[quote workworkworkugh]@Sssloou it's hard when our DS refuses to respond in any way to us.
We asked that the father not mention the messages to DS/GF and I hope he honours that.
We of course want out son home and will do what we can, but I refuse to put myself in her firing line again to save their asses because they're to weak to say no to her.[/quote]
That’s the right approach.

I wouldn’t bother sending your DS any texts that require a response, nothing above lighthearted simple daily greetings - have a nice day etc.....because she is most likely monitoring / censoring everything - just wait patiently for him to ask you stuff. Don’t chase him. Don’t hold your breath about the DPs not sharing stuff with your DS the GF.

They can’t be trusted - the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. She is either her DM or her DF - it’s just that the parents have learned to socially mask their manipulation.