My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

@Orgasmagorical

We think her Dad has never said that and that's just what she tells DS.

You're quite right, you cannot trust a single word that comes out of her mouth. She'll lie even when there's no need to.

I hate to say this, but your son is also not covering himself in any glory here - being angry at you for those messages, you what the hell is his justification for that?? I hope he's pulled her up on that?

He is the victim in an abusive relationship. It's not a normal relationship, his head is full of confusion - he won't know which way is up. The GF is manipulating him, and anyone else she can, to get her own way, which will never be enough. If OP had said she wasn't going to see her son for his birthday, GF could have it all, it still wouldn't have suited her. She will always be fighting against everyone, she will always be the victim, in her head.

The OP's son has to keep himself safe (although he'll not realise that's what he's doing at this stage, it's happening subconsciously) and if that means blaming his mum, that's what he will do. Also because he knows he is safe with his mum, if he was to stand up to the GF he would be severely punished by her - but DS was near hysterical telling him not to as it just makes things worse.

Wow.

This is actually brilliant. She has shot herself in the foot … all there in black and white.

Your approach has delivered.
Drop the rope and she makes a total dick out of herself and there is no “he said / she said” because it’s crystal clear who the loon is.

Well done you.

I think that your DH needs to take a different approach - the same that you did. Calm, boundaried and compassionate - he needs to be careful not to fall into the trap of making him run into her arms.

Do what your DS wants.

Don’t tell her parents - this will back fire. They are NEVER going to do anything and it will feed energy into the drama system that keeps this going.

Keep calm and considered for your DS. He will come round. He doesn’t need to see two angry berating options because he will inadvertently chose her over your DH.

Your DH needs to show calm as a contrast to attract him back.

It doesn’t matter that this incident is hideous - it’s important to keep your eyes on the prize and see the end game which is that you DS sees she is nuts and is centred enough to walk away to a calm home. Your DH advice to grow some and deal with her is not correct really - because you don’t want him to have to manage boundaries with someone so unhinged. You want him to see it and walk away and for him to know that he has a safe calm encouraging welcoming home, parents, family, siblings, friends network to return to with open arms.

I agree, don't send anything to the parents - they clearly don't care that much and it will feed the drama, to gf's delight.

Is anyone else having problems finding this thread - as it doesn’t come up in my “threads I’m on” and I can’t see it on AIBU ever? I have to google search it?

@DFOD maybe how DH handled wasn't right but other stuff has gone on that's not written here and I think he's just sick of seeing me as DS punching bag.
He usually keeps quiet because I ask him to.

Other examples are: I asked DS if he was home for dinner and he got stroppy as I apparently clearly didn't want him there by asking.
And he was dressed up one day (more than usual) and I said he looked nice and did he apply for a job today (relevant Q, not just out of the blue) and he said I was attacking him and making him feel bad.

Also after the GF told DS that he's changed because he said No to her a few weeks ago, DS has since yelled at me because "I clearly don't like change and can't accept that he's changed", again because I asked him a question about something trying to be supportive.

He obviously has a problem with me and maybe GF's comments are more correct than we know.

DFOD have you tried watching the thread and going to it via Threads I'm Watching? TIO never works properly for me.

I was wondering if the correct response to any of her texts is to ask DS exactly how you should reply, so you can do type that back and when she goes mental at whatever it is you have said, then it just proves the point to DS that you can’t answer correctly enough for her to not act up.

I wouldn’t tell her parents, it won’t do any good.

I don’t mean to be critical of your DH and I understand that there are many layers here and you are all at the end of your tether doing your very best in extreme circumstances.

Maybe some of DS reactive rude behaviour is symptomatic of someone under stress in an abusive relationship where they are under threat 24/7. It doesn’t excuse any his behaviour towards you and your family or make it acceptable but it might explain it and it might indicate that a calm yet still firm and assertive boundary setting discussion is the way forward. Hurt people, hurt people. I do think that this relationship has run its course and I would be preparing your DS for her likely dumping him and ruining his birthday. He might be in for a very painful end - it might be a lot of painful back and forth for weeks / months and he will also need time and support to emotionally recover and heal from this relationship once he is out the other side. Otherwise he is likely to end up in a similar relationship again.

I can totally see why DH lost it with him. And I wouldn't say he was wrong, DS can't get away with being abusive to you.

I don't think I'd send her parents the screenshot they aren't exactly reasonable people. They can't see their DD in the wrong ever.

I usually use the search function to find this thread - girlfriend 3 - ticking the "title only" brings it up.

I think when it does eventually end it might be worth him doing some counselling sessions, or some sort of course on healthy relationships. It's a well known fact that abuse victims often go from one abuser to the next.

She has literally got him mentally hysterical about any criticism from anyone about her.. listen to the state of him at the thought of his Dad speaking to her Dad..

She has damaged his psychological well being.,, he's walking on egg shells to avoid angering her and everyone around him is walking on egg shells to stop him lashing out at them for fear that they inadvertently anger her ... she has conditioned him to prioritise her neefs feelings and demands above all others including his own...

It's frightening what damage she has achieved 🌸

Other examples are: I asked DS if he was home for dinner and he got stroppy as I apparently clearly didn't want him there by asking.
And he was dressed up one day (more than usual) and I said he looked nice and did he apply for a job today (relevant Q, not just out of the blue) and he said I was attacking him and making him feel bad.

Also after the GF told DS that he's changed because he said No to her a few weeks ago, DS has since yelled at me because "I clearly don't like change and can't accept that he's changed", again because I asked him a question about something trying to be supportive.

He obviously has a problem with me and maybe GF's comments are more correct than we know.

These are her words coming out of his mouth.

she has conditioned him to prioritise her needs feelings and demands above all others including his own

@QueenBee52 absolutely this.

H

Have you told your DS that she is not his project to 'fix'? She may have issues and problems but she is not his responsibility to sort out, that is down to her parents?

I'd say at this stage this is carrying on like she is saying that she will drink herself to a stupor if he leaves, so he stays, out of care to start with and then it becomes duty and eventually it will turn. There will be a point in time when he does realise that going back again and again to be metaphorically kicked and punched when he's down doesn't have to happen. Hopefully this will be sooner than later but he'll realise that he doesn't have to stay and her choices are hers alone and for someone to put all that responsibility onto another person is wrong.
He got involved with her when they were both so young so it is very hard for him to see the wood for the trees at the moment.

I would go ahead with the birthday plans for your DS and if he shows, he shows. If he doesn't, you're not putting your lives on hold any more waiting around. Life happens. He can either be part of it with you or not (at least for the birthday celebrations).

I suspect that him saying “No” to her has just upped the ante and her abuse, control, threats and degradation of him has increased - hence his more fractious and reactive behaviour towards you (because he might be emotionally at the end of his tether walking on eggshells with her and he can’t risk expressing his basic emotions or needs to her so he flips out disproportionately to you to release the stress in a safe place) - his flip outs are not about your comments at all they are about the internal pressure / terror he is trying to contain inside related to her. I would cut him some slack on big life decisions / actions - just for now - as being in a place of mental turmoil is just about survival of that day and being hyper vigilant 24/7 to avoid upsetting her and is likely taking up his entire headspace and energy - that he can’t focus on anything beyond the moment. The cracks are there - as others have said it will be around his birthday - just be calm and ready to put him back together when he falls. The priority for now is to get him out of this destructive relationship safely by attracting him back to his family and friends who in time will be able to nurture and rebuild his self confidence.

I suspect it will be over by the end of the year. Deep breath. Dig deep. This is a far from normal experience that your family has been thrown into - it’s v tough and extreme for you all but if you can all resist being infected with her drama contagion you have a much better chance of him leaving her - because she is just goading you all into a fight.

I’ve been quite concerned right from the start how the GF seemed to be targeting you as opposed to your DH. I would step right back and let your DH deal with it. He might make the odd misstep but I think it’s very good that he read your son the riot act. Why should you tolerate her nastiness and aggressive messages? Block her on everything and tell your son that you have done so and if there is ever any real need for her to contact the family then she should contact your DH.

You have been concerned, and rightly so, about her impact on your son but let your DH care for you. I feel very sorry for you all.

I'm so sorry this is still going on. That girl is just unbelievable. Not lacking in confidence, is she?

@KatherineSiena

I’ve been quite concerned right from the start how the GF seemed to be targeting you as opposed to your DH. I would step right back and let your DH deal with it. He might make the odd misstep but I think it’s very good that he read your son the riot act. Why should you tolerate her nastiness and aggressive messages? Block her on everything and tell your son that you have done so and if there is ever any real need for her to contact the family then she should contact your DH.

You have been concerned, and rightly so, about her impact on your son but let your DH care for you. I feel very sorry for you all.

I would be inclined to agree with this. Any messages in the future forward to your husband and let him reply. It would be interesting to see how she would reply to him in comparison to how she replies to you.

I would block her - have you ever had any constructive or even just non-abusive messages from her? It is really odd to message your boyfriend’s mum - I’m not even sure DH has DM’s number, and we have been together 20 years. If DS asks why you’ve blocked her, just point out she’s his girlfriend not yours, and he doesn’t message you friends so no need for his to message you especially when they don’t even like you.

Step as far away from her as possible. Don’t let DS talk to you about her. Re: the birthday, tell him you won’t arrange anything for now since he’s got other plans but to let you know if he has time to do both.

I may be over invested, but I will do a happy dance when your son tells her to get to fuck this girl is out of your lives

I second that Mummyratbag !

This girl has serious problems.

Notimeforaname - I don't know how OP stays so calm, my BP rises just reading about her!

This really has got out of hand. I agree with PP. Block her on everything and refuse to have any more contact with her.
I would also give some very clear boundaries and consequences to DS on how he is treating you. This complete lack of respect or empathy for your feelings is just not OK. I would be inclined to let him have the space from you that he supposedly wants. Take a massive step back from everything. Tell him why. Tell him you love and support him but his behaviour is unacceptable and you can't allow him to keep treating you like this.

[quote workworkworkugh]@rolyisntittimefor her parents don't want to know.
DH wants to send them the screenshots but DS was near hysterical telling him not to as it just makes things worse.
DS told us that GF said her Dad hates us anyway for the last time and he's so mad at us for the things we were saying about her (not sure what as we were never nasty about her and only told the truth)

We think her Dad has never said that and that's just what she tells DS.

DH still wants to send them but doesn't want any repercussions for me so isn't sure what to do.[/quote]
This would make me suspect the dad agrees with you. She can't have you agreeing / communicating and teaming up against her and her mother.

Oh my god, OP, I'm amazed at your restraint. I can't believe that a child could have the temerity to write that.

I agree with PPs; block her on everything. She's a poisonous troll.

Oh she's definitely blocked now.
Sometimes these things take me a while as I like to give people a chance. I thought maybe with time she'd mature and it's been months since any drama.

@Mummyratbag trust me, I'm not always calm! I sound calm when I'm writing here but in real life I am losing my shit. Sometimes I have yelled at DS or it's usually when my DH and I are talking about it, I rant and cry. It stresses me out. I had 3 hours sleep the other night.
But the longer it goes on, the more I realise I have absolutely no control over any of it. And everything I do will be 'wrong'.

I do worry too much about what lies she might be telling others or her parents. I hate thinking that they think I have done something so awful to her to make her feel suicidal, when that's clearly not the reality.

But she is 'letting' him see his friends again tonight while she's at work. So she's coming across as the best girlfriend ever. It's always on her terms though, never his.