My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 3)

[workworkworkugh]

Link to part 2:

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Someone recommended I start another thread. I was a bit hesitant to do so I will admit.
I truly thought this would have been over in January, but here we are

What a nightmare. I hope he doesn't have too much in savings that he can dip into. But at least it wasn't an engagement ring.

Does he never see his pals?

Sad to hear your update OP shame his events were cancelled and she continues to have such a powerful stronghold on him! Don't lose faith keep on going on you are an amazing mum 💐

You could “accidentally” anonymously report her parents for having visitors… 😬😬😬

@Justilou1

You could “accidentally” anonymously report her parents for having visitors… 😬😬😬

yip 🎉

Is it legal for him to be going over to hers in lockdown? Christ they are entitled.

Logged in to see how you were OP, I'm glad things are better in some ways. I didn't realise anywhere was in lockdown?

She'll be treating it as an engagement ring though. Rings are symbolic, not like necklaces, earrings or other pieces of jewellery. She really has her hooks into him, poor silly lad. She shouldn't be such a master manipulator at some a young age. Her parents have clearly never said no to her.

She'll be treating it as an engagement ring though

She's certainly unhinged enough... it's a shame he's used all his savings for it too..

Its so sad and frustrating and I really can't blame OP for loathing her..

This lass represents everything we tell our peers to avoid in a relationship.. it's awful 🌸

Such a shame about lockdown and the party as that would have been a nice pinch point for him to experience and decide which way to jump.

There is always going to be something ridiculous @workworkworkugh whilst your DS is entangled with this nutter and her enabling parents.

All you can do is continue to stand well clear so that all of the drama and nonsense is 100% generated by her and focused on her.

He will see it in time.

I think the “no-go” conversations are his volatility under pressure from her - he is trying to placate her all the time and it’s exhausting.....and he snaps at you (which is wrong) - request calmly and repeatedly that he doesn’t speak to you sharply. Don’t get triggered into snapping back. Just model assertive respectful request for him to lower the tone of his voice and speak to you with kinder words.

You can loath her all you want. That’s a very natural and healthy reaction to such a vile character - but let that out elsewhere - never with your DS or her as that will just backfire - summon up your power with deep breaths etc. Play GF bingo - you just know how each and every situation will play out - possessive, controlling, paranoid, difficult - be ready for it.

Little, gentle, reflections with your DS when you have the opportunity - never ask - so - how did that feel?
What did you want to do?
That sounds complicated?
Sounds like hard work.
Did you have fun?
Is that appropriate?
Were you happy with that?

OP, I am struggling to understand the disconnect between the GF being so controlling and tantruming and her parents being described as too permissive and letting her walk all over them. Yet, in essence, that is pretty much what you were doing with your own son. He and his moods have been holding your entire family to ransom too.

I have said the same thing, @BudrosBudrosGalli. I don’t understand the concept of being helpless against the moods and whims of teenagers who are financially and legally dependent upon me. (I have three of them, btw - 17, 15 & 15. Admittedly not dealing with GF like this one.)

It sounds as though your DS is allowed to trample all over you as well. Why on earth didn't you get him home before your latest lockdown, if you're so concerned about his GF and her family manipulating him?

He's playing you in exactly the same way as you say she plays her family. All of this "do lovely things together as a family & don't mention anything horrid which may cause a row" sounds exactly the same as what her family are also doing. Both DC know they are being pandered to by their families. Her family probably think your parenting & your DS are as bad an influence over their DD as you do of theirs.

I've been reading this for months and I'm waiting for the backlash from your other DC when they realise that everything revolves around their big brother. He's 17. Everything is so dramatic.

@BudrosBudrosGalli I see what you're saying. I don't know what else we can do though when he can just do it anyway against our wishes (he never used to be like that).
The rudeness when speaking to us he definitely gets pulled up on. He's not like that all the time and I suppose I do come on here to vent more than anything.

She wrote him a book with a page for each month they've been together (glossed over the dumping him and the threats of course) but they're apparently spending Xmas together (will see if that happens but I'll be really sad about that), about their lasting love and incredible bond from everything they've been through, how she can hopefully get more money to spend on him, and how she can't wait to marry him and have his babies etc etc.

She also mentioned something...a few months ago the GF mother was having a dinner for a special occasion and asked if we'd allow DS to have one alcoholic drink, we said yes at the time and that was the last we've heard about it, but in the book GF goes on to mention it has become a weekend tradition. So now the mother is apparently providing them with alcohol most weekends haven't brought it up to DS as yet to find out the story there if it is still going on, but bloody hell.

I understand the teenage love bubble and would probably think it was cute if it was someone else, but it just sounds too much when put with all the other behaviour.

How is your school system working during lockdown? Are they still going or are they home schooling or are they on holiday still? What does your DS plan to do in the next 12-18 months when (presumably) he leaves school?

@workworkworkugh - you have more than enough ammo to call the police.

1. They are encouraging your son to stay during lockdown.
2. They are providing minors with alcohol.

You’re being just ridiculous.

Well, I have read the saga for months (name-changed because someone found me on here) and I am shaking my head. The hypocrisy shown towards the parents of the girls is staggering! You are just as permissive and enabling all of this crap too. You have taken the brakes off and now you're wondering why the damn thing won't stop. I feel sorry for your younger DC caught up in this shit show, partially of your making.Stop blaming the other parents and start effectively parenting your own DS.

@BudrosBudrosGalli ok I get it, we're pathetic, weak and enabling and we're part of the problem.
We genuinely don't know what to do though.

If we tell the parents/police, he'll pretty much move out and never have anything to do with us and yeah that makes him sound like a spoilt shit but he was never like this and even the counsellor agrees it's a learned behaviour from her.
Our fear over alienating our son is stronger than anything else at this point.

We know our DS and he'll push everyone away to keep her happy to the point where even if he wants to break up with her he'll feel like he can't as he'll have 'no one to go back to'.

perhaps this is the 'trapped' situation he needs to see what his life is now like.

I dunno OP ... I'd have lost it by now .. credit to you for keeping the equilibrium 🎉

Tbh, I'd enforce boundaries to protect you, and just let him go, if that is his choice.
I've had horrible experience with DD and yes, it is so upsetting, but ultimately you have to protect you and the rest of your family

And. You have done your very best. But there comes a point where you have to recognise the end.
And protect the rest of your family from this toxic situation.

@SpringCrocus thank you, we are working with my psych regarding the boundaries with DS.

The boundaries help within our own home but doesn't really help when it comes to these situations when we're not sure if to approach the parents or not.
We're obviously choosing not to, as much as we want to, out of fear.

Respect to you OP 🌺

I think you are handling it the right way. He’s got to come to his own conclusion and you’ll be waiting in the wings. You can’t force that realisation, much as you’d like to. You can’t put an old head on young —stupid— shoulders.

I disagree. He’s learned from the expert that when you throw a tantrum and threaten to leave, adults give you everything you want. Both of these kids have behaved badly and have no consequences. I imagine if the driving lessons, etc were cut off, he’d be a lot less appealing to this girl. Hate to think what comes next… Teen pregnancy to trap him further, I expect.

I’ve been lurking on this thread for several months now & always waiting for your updates. I just want to say that my heart truly goes out to you @workworkworkugh. It is so hard to walk on these egg shells with your son. I hate the comments you get that are saying you are enabling this behaviour & to let him walk away because despite the fact he’s 16, 16 years old is still very young & naive to be making these decisions. He is clearly in an emotionally abusive relationship & it’s disgusting that the police haven’t done anything about this! Imagine if the gender roles were reversed? I’m sure it would be taken more seriously then. I don’t have much advice but to tell you that you’re a good mum & you’re doing what you think is right for your family. There’s no handbook on how to deal with these things. I hope your son comes to his senses soon & you have your little boy back.