Starting to resent my husband....any words of wisdom?

[Koox87]

I’m sorry for posting but I am at my wits end and would love to hear your views and different people opinion. I’m in my early 30’s and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 1. I have a gorgeous teenager who my husband has more or less brought up with me and he’s been incredible!

I feel absolutely terrible verbalising this to people but I’m really really really struggling with my husbands drive / ambition. My issues are truly not materialistic and I am ALL about equality but I am at a loss with how I feel and wondered if anyone else is in same position or was in the same position....

I absolutely adore my husband, he really is incredible In my eyes and is a perfect step father to my son. We met 8 years ago when I was his manager and we just feel in love and that was it until this day......we’ve been trying for a baby for a couple of years and unfortunately keep having miscarriages in the first trimester but we will keep trying with the right medical support, my husband has truly been my rock and is very supportive in that front.

What I have really been struggling with is his drive and his work ethic.....I earn significantly more than he does and have done since the beginning which ‘was’ ok at the time as we were kids. I’ve supported him by encouraging him with his ideas of being an artist, or going back to adult learning and getting a career, he even works part time now so he can do ‘something’ to get a career but has no drive to do it. His passion is art and I love that but he is getting nowhere with it and in the meantime I’m paying all the bills and carrying the whole family, what happens if I fall ill? His salary on full time wouldn’t even cover the mortgage let alone feed us, we are planning a baby and I only get 6 weeks paid MAT leave with my work then I’ll have to go back as won’t have any other option as he simply isn’t getting a career or financially secure to support us.

He is a good man, a loving husband and an incredible father but I can’t help but resent him for this - I somehow feel he’s taking advantage and is ‘comfortable’ that I’m paying all the bills so why should he try and find something more stable.

We argue about this all the time and I am positive it isn’t nice from a mans perspective that his wife is the bread earner and trust me - it isn’t nice from my side either! I am always worrying that we genuinely have NO fall back if anything happens to me and for that - I resent him so much and can’t let it go......needless to say it all comes out very wrong when we argue as you can imagine and he thinks I don’t support him through his ‘dreams’ :(

Sorry about the long post but I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m materialistic - I truly couldn’t care less that I pay for my own bday presents or wedding ring or about anything like that - I just resent him that I have no security at all...he has no drive or ambition...he’s a dreamer and I am starting to lose attraction to him as my husband...

Has anyone gone through this? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading.

I haven't been through that, but I can empathise. When I started OLD, I wanted to meet somebody who earned a similar amount to me (or more!) as I didn't want to be subsiding anybody's lifestyle. I wanted a partnership where we supported each other, not somebody I had to carry.

Does he pull his weight in other ways, e.g. housework?

Would he make a decent SAHD? Is that an option?

I think he's unlikely to change, so I suppose it's a question of whether you think his good points outweigh his lack of drive and if you can live like this or not. Sorry, not very helpful!

Well, dreamer he may be, but being healthy and an adult, in my world = go out to work to earn what you need to live.

And he's not doing that, is he? And that's not cool

@MsVestibule thanks for replying and relating. Yes he does pull his weight around the house when I ask him to. He really is wonderful and I feel terrible thinking like this but I am genuinely struggling mentally accepting that this is our forever and that I will always have to be carrying the family and the financial burdens forever.

I want to be supportive with his dreams but when does that stop? When does the reality hit that if something happens to me then everything is gone? Do I just have to accept this is it......we all have to compromise I know but this is huge.....

What did you end up doing? Did you compromise?

Hi OP - I was in your situation . My exP was a lovely, cuddly teddy bear of a man, like a human Labrador.
However , I worked full time - paid the mortgage, paid the bills , did the wife work , the majority of housework etc.

I ended up resenting him - the resentment built up over time , took a few years , I just could not understand why he didn’t feel the need to provide for his child . I’m not materialistic at all , but feel I need to provide for myself and my children. That’s my drive.

So ultimately I said to him , either you contribute £100 per week into the ‘pot’ or you go. He shrugged and left. I was devastated.

When I had our baby he still didn’t contribute - I paid for everything using up my savings.

I wanted to do counselling , to try and work on things but he refused. He point blank stated he didn’t want to work or provide.
He is now an ex.

he even works part time now so he can do ‘something’ to get a career but has no drive to do it. His passion is art and I love that but he is getting nowhere with it

So he works part time but is neither managing to retrain nor get anywhere with his art?

But then he can't win because even if he was working full time, you say he still wouldn't even be able to pay the mortgage!

It seems you are living according to your salary not his.

When he went part time was there any sort of agreement between you as to a timescale or what he was going to manage to do with his extra time?

Also, if a magic wand could be waved, what would you like to happen?

You need to get him back to work full time before you go on maternity leave. You will massively resent him if you do not get time to recover properly from birth let alone the time you need to bond with the new baby because you have to support him.

Harsh perhaps as I haven't been there but maybe the losses are because you are mentally not in the right place for a baby carrying this resentment?

I'm 14 years into a marriage with similar issues OP. The resentment grows. You can't fundamentally change someone's drive (or I couldn't) but you can make clear your boundaries. In my case it was a series of shape up or ship out ultimatums, not delivered in a row but in a sad, quiet 'this is where I am, where are you' conversation. He is now working and earning regularly, but sadly the damage to our relationship is extensive and permanent. I really hope you can address this with him before it gets to that stage - and really strongly suggest you do it before having a child with him. Good luck!

As long as he is doing most of the housework etc and will be the main carer when you have a baby, I don’t see what the problem is. He sounds lovely. As long as one of you is working and bringing in a decent income, that’s fine.

@GaraMedouar I am so sorry to hear how it’s ended and how little he has done for your child too. It’s not acceptable and I hope you’ve managed to recover from all of that. Your story does hit home but the difference is he would do house work (when I ask), go food shopping and complete tasks - do you think you would have stayed if your ex helped that way?

Don't have a baby with him. Sounds like a bit of a Cocklodger. Only pulls his weight when you ask him to?? Really.

So, not wanting to be picky, but why did you marry him a year ago? These problems must have been apparent, surely? I think us women wanted equality, but now we have it, we don't always like it. Men have always (I say men, but not all men, of course) supported the family without any help from their DW.

@IsThePopeCatholic thank you, he is lovely in that aspect and I really don’t want to portray him in any other way. I just worry we have no security if anything was to happen....but your points are valid. Thank you.

I think there are two different issues here. You said a couple of times that you are worried about your situation if something happens to you... presumably illness or another reason you couldn’t work. Have you got an insurance in place for this situation? It might ease the pressure a bit.
The second issues is your dh’s lack of drive. If that is still an issue, even with insurance in place, then you need to talk about it and decide for yourself if it is a dealbreaker.

But he does stuff when you ask him? That’s no good surely? You’re still carrying everything

My DH is similar although works ft.

I earn more than double.

I enjoy working a lot for many reasons. I get a lot out of it.

He doesn't like it.

I really struggled on mat leave with loss of so much. He looked after me and the kids. He is way more maternal than me. Patient, kind, and loving.

He is good at baking and does that with the kids. His job means he could be away from home for the whole shift but he chooses to come home on his breaks.

He is currently downstairs sewing something that DD would like.

He's creative and artistic.

I knew who he was when I married him. And in a family it's good to have a mix of work ambition/ stay at home etc.

If you're worried what happens if you get ill then you need insurance. IP etc.

Having said all that. I've probably projected a bit! Because loads of people don't get me and DH. Because we do things the wrong way round for men and women iyswim.

So I will reread OP and think, even though you did ask for experiences and that ^ is mine :)

Surely him oy doing housework when you ask isn't good enough either?

It's his house too, you shouldn't have to ask! Particularly if he only works part time.

Yes he does pull his weight around the house when I ask him to.

So you have to pay all the bills as well as managing all the housework etc? He just does what you tell him to? What does he actually take responsibility for?

If he worked full time in a low paid job and did his share of the domestic stuff without being told what to do, I think that would be OK, but he just sounds like an overgrown teenager. As a woman in her 30s, I'm guessing you're starting to find that quite unattractive now? I don't think that feeling is going to leave you 😕.

I may get slated for this, perhaps rightly so, but it's only what I've observed...there seem to be very few relationships that thrive on the woman "keeping" the man (disability etc aside). Both earning well and her just earning more is not really an issue, but her being fully or almost fully responsible...I just don't see it working for many people. It wouldn't work for me.

I don't think it's anti feminist to prefer a man with some drive...if it is, maybe I'll have to hand in my card. But I'd feel the same.

he would do house work (when I ask)

Yes, this "just tell me what to do" isn't attractive either. Again, I think women generally like proactive men who can see for themselves that the laundry bin is overflowing or the house needs a hoover and JFDI.

I think if I was you I would stop trying for a baby. Don't add a baby right now while things are a bit rocky. AND having a baby will put you back into decades of earning and providing really mattering .

You have a child. Your child isn't so many years away from adult independence. At that point the financial pressure will ease, Maybe you and your DH can have separate finances.

But right now Mr Artist can't justify having his own child.

Does he realise how vulnerable he has made himself? Ask him what he would do if you left. And let him know he is heading that way if he doesn't change.

It sounds a bit one way to me. You have supported him with his dreams for 8 years. But the longer this goes on the less likely it is going to become reality. And meanwhile does he support you with your dream of not being stuck with the pressure of bearing the financial burden for the family? Of being able to drop a couple of days at work to pursue your passions? Where is his support with this?

I earn half of what my husband does (bit more if I pro ratad up from 4 to 5 days) but its still enough to live on, if we had to, and I do work equally as hard and him and am trying to advance my career etc. We could afford for me to be a SAHP, but I appreciate his point of view that he found it quite a lot of pressure being the sole earner when I was on mat leave (his industry is quite unpredictable).

As to what you do...he is happy taking from you. You either accept this and try and make the most of it (eg accept he doesn't want to work and then maybe he could do more childcare) OR you give him less. Tell him you're going to live within his means so it's a more equal partnership. Cut back spending money. Downsize house. Less holidays etc. And save the rest for your future or mat leave or whatever since he wont be funding it.

To be brutally honest though I think nothing will change and the resentment will grow and grow over time. I think the last thing you should be doing is having a baby. It's bad enough when he is not supporting your partnership financially but its going to be 10x worse when it's your baby he is letting down and you have to go back to work with a few weeks old baby so he can follow his dreams.

I can see its difficult. But isn't there always a wage difference in a relationship? I've always been the lowest earner in the household, although up until we had our children I always contributed half towards the bills. But there would be no way I could've supported my husband and kept the household going if he'd have become unable to carry on working. The same applies now we have children. I've had to go part time and we still rely on his wage to survive.
I do hope he doesn't resent me. He's never indicated he is unhappy with my lack of earning, in fact when I suggested I get another part time job in unsociable hours so he was around for childcare he said it wasn't worth it and he'd do extra overtime to earn more money if we needed it.
Instead of arguing about it could you not write down your worries and approach it that way? I'm assuming you've spoken about who would care for the baby and other childcare arrangements? Hope you work it out x

Re write your post with positions reversed .. mum who earns less.. dad who earns more but has a kid to support. Would anyone find 'you' the lower earned unreasonable?

Yes you need to earn more as YOU have YOUR child to support .