Starting to resent my husband....any words of wisdom?

[Koox87]

I’m sorry for posting but I am at my wits end and would love to hear your views and different people opinion. I’m in my early 30’s and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 1. I have a gorgeous teenager who my husband has more or less brought up with me and he’s been incredible!

I feel absolutely terrible verbalising this to people but I’m really really really struggling with my husbands drive / ambition. My issues are truly not materialistic and I am ALL about equality but I am at a loss with how I feel and wondered if anyone else is in same position or was in the same position....

I absolutely adore my husband, he really is incredible In my eyes and is a perfect step father to my son. We met 8 years ago when I was his manager and we just feel in love and that was it until this day......we’ve been trying for a baby for a couple of years and unfortunately keep having miscarriages in the first trimester but we will keep trying with the right medical support, my husband has truly been my rock and is very supportive in that front.

What I have really been struggling with is his drive and his work ethic.....I earn significantly more than he does and have done since the beginning which ‘was’ ok at the time as we were kids. I’ve supported him by encouraging him with his ideas of being an artist, or going back to adult learning and getting a career, he even works part time now so he can do ‘something’ to get a career but has no drive to do it. His passion is art and I love that but he is getting nowhere with it and in the meantime I’m paying all the bills and carrying the whole family, what happens if I fall ill? His salary on full time wouldn’t even cover the mortgage let alone feed us, we are planning a baby and I only get 6 weeks paid MAT leave with my work then I’ll have to go back as won’t have any other option as he simply isn’t getting a career or financially secure to support us.

He is a good man, a loving husband and an incredible father but I can’t help but resent him for this - I somehow feel he’s taking advantage and is ‘comfortable’ that I’m paying all the bills so why should he try and find something more stable.

We argue about this all the time and I am positive it isn’t nice from a mans perspective that his wife is the bread earner and trust me - it isn’t nice from my side either! I am always worrying that we genuinely have NO fall back if anything happens to me and for that - I resent him so much and can’t let it go......needless to say it all comes out very wrong when we argue as you can imagine and he thinks I don’t support him through his ‘dreams’ :(

Sorry about the long post but I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m materialistic - I truly couldn’t care less that I pay for my own bday presents or wedding ring or about anything like that - I just resent him that I have no security at all...he has no drive or ambition...he’s a dreamer and I am starting to lose attraction to him as my husband...

Has anyone gone through this? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading.

@Biffbaff

YABU partially, as you knew what he was like when you married him and I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to change his attitude to work/ambition levels. Your expectations of this and of him are on you - it doesn't seem like he ever pretended to be something he wasn't in that respect.

However, if a baby is thrown in the mix then YANBU for worrying about these things and expecting him to step up as a father. But note that this does not have to mean stepping up as a provider in the way that you have been doing (financially). If he stepped up in a primary carer/secondary earner type way that happens to be what a lot of women do all over the country, which would enable you to be the breadwinner, then that could be an option. You seem like a black and white thinker around men's and women's/fathers' and mothers' roles. Try and put these aside and think of what you two are doing as a parenting unit regardless of who does what individually.

Totally see your point, but as a woman who had just given birth to a baby, would you be prepared to give up your maternity leave in order to return to work after just 6 weeks? I personally wouldn't. Not saying what's right or wrong, just that I was totally and utterly absorbed in a world of post natal recovery, feeding, bonding and nappies at that point and I could not hold an intelligent conversation about anything other than babies for a good few months! And I loved it.....

I think there are 2 scenarios here.

1. As you are with 1 teen. He needs to pull his weight in the household chores but the money side is really down to how you feel.

1. Adding a baby to the mix - I simply would not do unless/until he had a job to cover the bills which he commits to until baby is 6 months old or you saved 6 months worth of bill money etc. You don't know what state pregnancy/birth will leave you in and stress about finances will not help that.