Starting to resent my husband....any words of wisdom?

[Koox87]

I’m sorry for posting but I am at my wits end and would love to hear your views and different people opinion. I’m in my early 30’s and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 1. I have a gorgeous teenager who my husband has more or less brought up with me and he’s been incredible!

I feel absolutely terrible verbalising this to people but I’m really really really struggling with my husbands drive / ambition. My issues are truly not materialistic and I am ALL about equality but I am at a loss with how I feel and wondered if anyone else is in same position or was in the same position....

I absolutely adore my husband, he really is incredible In my eyes and is a perfect step father to my son. We met 8 years ago when I was his manager and we just feel in love and that was it until this day......we’ve been trying for a baby for a couple of years and unfortunately keep having miscarriages in the first trimester but we will keep trying with the right medical support, my husband has truly been my rock and is very supportive in that front.

What I have really been struggling with is his drive and his work ethic.....I earn significantly more than he does and have done since the beginning which ‘was’ ok at the time as we were kids. I’ve supported him by encouraging him with his ideas of being an artist, or going back to adult learning and getting a career, he even works part time now so he can do ‘something’ to get a career but has no drive to do it. His passion is art and I love that but he is getting nowhere with it and in the meantime I’m paying all the bills and carrying the whole family, what happens if I fall ill? His salary on full time wouldn’t even cover the mortgage let alone feed us, we are planning a baby and I only get 6 weeks paid MAT leave with my work then I’ll have to go back as won’t have any other option as he simply isn’t getting a career or financially secure to support us.

He is a good man, a loving husband and an incredible father but I can’t help but resent him for this - I somehow feel he’s taking advantage and is ‘comfortable’ that I’m paying all the bills so why should he try and find something more stable.

We argue about this all the time and I am positive it isn’t nice from a mans perspective that his wife is the bread earner and trust me - it isn’t nice from my side either! I am always worrying that we genuinely have NO fall back if anything happens to me and for that - I resent him so much and can’t let it go......needless to say it all comes out very wrong when we argue as you can imagine and he thinks I don’t support him through his ‘dreams’ :(

Sorry about the long post but I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m materialistic - I truly couldn’t care less that I pay for my own bday presents or wedding ring or about anything like that - I just resent him that I have no security at all...he has no drive or ambition...he’s a dreamer and I am starting to lose attraction to him as my husband...

Has anyone gone through this? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading.

Why do you have to ask him? Can he not see it for himself?

Also, I like art, but I like paying the mortgage more.

Unless he's the next fucking Banksy he needs to get a job and contribute.

And I'm sorry but doing housework when you ask is pathetic.
If someone was basically subsiding me a few days a week to stay off work so I could do my hobby, I'd automatically pick up the majority of the chores (if it wasnt a viable business) and I think the majority of decent people would. Like the person who gets home earliest puts the washing out or starts dinner because they have more time and it doesnt really feel fair to sit and take time for yourself for a couple of hours and wait for your partner to come back and either do it or ask you to. Which is what he is doing

Twice you’ve said he helps if asked, yet only works part time? He’s a lazy cocklodger, OP, he knows he’s on a winner with you! Tell him he needs to step up, it’s past time, and get a full time job. I couldn’t live with a half hearted bloke like this. Bloody hell, don’t have a baby with him! Maternity leave pay won’t cover your outgoings if his wage doesn’t even pay the mortgage.

He’s not being realistic. He needs to do what most people do: work for work, and have his passion as a hobby. If he gets good enough at his hobby to switch it to work, then great. But your basically just letting him cruise along aimlessly by supporting him like this. And, sorry, I work in the arts and if he’s reached his age without any luck whatsoever he needs to rethink.

Have reread. You don't say what sort of art but having any success/ monetising it in any significant way is so difficult that it shouldn't even be considered.

The creative people I know all work other jobs as well. The most successful artist I know (multiple high profile exhibitions at a national arts venue) works part time.

First thing is get insurance.

Second thing is your employment package sounds poor. Is that standard in your industry? I'm assuming you are some way up the ladder and benefits often improve.

He'd be a SAHD presumably if you have a baby? (I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages). In which case his personality will be a positive thing

This is the role men have been expected to take for years. If you're all for equality then while I understand your issues I also think well loads of men live this way

At the moment though you only have one teen. I agree working PT is s bit rubbish. does he carry the load when your work needs it? EG DH has been able to be there for the kids when I have been travelling etc

In the end you knew what he was like when you married him. You are ambitious and enjoy working and earn well. He is different and that is who you fell in love with and still love.

I think in your situation I would take some insurance and stop arguing with him about it tbh. What's the point? I paid for DH to do career coaching etc have helped him with applications but in the end he's just not interested. It's not who he is. He loves to be at home with the kids. Making cakes, being really patient with stuff they want to do, being a sort of stable constant calm lovely person. And that is really really important.

Would you be happier on your own? You'd still have all the financial responsibility and he wouldn't be around to support you. And you love him. Is that better or worse for you.

@Koox87, how would you feel if he was working full time, had a stronger work ethics but still had a much lower income than you?

I mean what you are describing is the situation that many couples are in but in reverse...

[quote CovidSmart]@Koox87, how would you feel if he was working full time, had a stronger work ethics but still had a much lower income than you?

I mean what you are describing is the situation that many couples are in but in reverse...[/quote]
I really would be ok because I would know he would work his absolute hardest to do the best he can to look after us if anything happened in future.

@NiceGerbil

Have reread. You don't say what sort of art but having any success/ monetising it in any significant way is so difficult that it shouldn't even be considered.

The creative people I know all work other jobs as well. The most successful artist I know (multiple high profile exhibitions at a national arts venue) works part time.

First thing is get insurance.

Second thing is your employment package sounds poor. Is that standard in your industry? I'm assuming you are some way up the ladder and benefits often improve.

He'd be a SAHD presumably if you have a baby? (I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages). In which case his personality will be a positive thing

This is the role men have been expected to take for years. If you're all for equality then while I understand your issues I also think well loads of men live this way

At the moment though you only have one teen. I agree working PT is s bit rubbish. does he carry the load when your work needs it? EG DH has been able to be there for the kids when I have been travelling etc

In the end you knew what he was like when you married him. You are ambitious and enjoy working and earn well. He is different and that is who you fell in love with and still love.

I think in your situation I would take some insurance and stop arguing with him about it tbh. What's the point? I paid for DH to do career coaching etc have helped him with applications but in the end he's just not interested. It's not who he is. He loves to be at home with the kids. Making cakes, being really patient with stuff they want to do, being a sort of stable constant calm lovely person. And that is really really important.

Would you be happier on your own? You'd still have all the financial responsibility and he wouldn't be around to support you. And you love him. Is that better or worse for you.

Thank you so much for this advice.

If you feel resentment, you feel resentment, and unless he gets a well paid full time job, that's not going to change. So it's up to you what you do about that. You either accept it or you don't. If anything happened to me my DP wouldn't be able to afford the bills, but we have insurance. I do most of the mental load and house stuff, but apart from very occasionally it doesn't bother me. I am in control of my life and don't want to rely on DP day to day. If the roles were reversed would it even be a problem I wonder. Btw my partner is a woman so we are not affected by the male female gender stereotypes. You said you adore him, that sounds perfect. That's not easy to find.

He needs to keep his artsy fanning around as a hobby and get a proper job. You have every right to be concerned. And what you have described as him being so lovely, is the basics of a relationship anyway so he isn't doing anything special for you to feel grateful enough to subsidize his laziness.

Is your mortgage really not covered by his full time hours? Even on NMW he would clear £1200 after Small NI and tax deduction?

Your problem isn’t that he’s an artist. It’s that he’s shit at BEING an artist.

This would be the same if he was a pilot, bus driver, accountant, binman, or lawyer. It’s not about his aptitude, it’s about his attitude.

He’s lazy.

He’s happy to let you work your arse off while he plays at being a grown up, but he’s got you convinced he’s trying! He’s ‘even’ got a part time job! As if that’s some sort of massive, unreasonable expectation! He’s good at housework ‘when you ask’ - so you still need to do the actual thinking for him.

Balls to that.

He needs to grow up.

There’s nothing wrong with one person not having an employed job, but only if both people are happy with the contribution each other makes. He isn’t contributing, he’s draining you.

@NiceGerbil

Have reread. You don't say what sort of art but having any success/ monetising it in any significant way is so difficult that it shouldn't even be considered.

The creative people I know all work other jobs as well. The most successful artist I know (multiple high profile exhibitions at a national arts venue) works part time.

First thing is get insurance.

Second thing is your employment package sounds poor. Is that standard in your industry? I'm assuming you are some way up the ladder and benefits often improve.

He'd be a SAHD presumably if you have a baby? (I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages). In which case his personality will be a positive thing

This is the role men have been expected to take for years. If you're all for equality then while I understand your issues I also think well loads of men live this way

At the moment though you only have one teen. I agree working PT is s bit rubbish. does he carry the load when your work needs it? EG DH has been able to be there for the kids when I have been travelling etc

In the end you knew what he was like when you married him. You are ambitious and enjoy working and earn well. He is different and that is who you fell in love with and still love.

I think in your situation I would take some insurance and stop arguing with him about it tbh. What's the point? I paid for DH to do career coaching etc have helped him with applications but in the end he's just not interested. It's not who he is. He loves to be at home with the kids. Making cakes, being really patient with stuff they want to do, being a sort of stable constant calm lovely person. And that is really really important.

Would you be happier on your own? You'd still have all the financial responsibility and he wouldn't be around to support you. And you love him. Is that better or worse for you.

DH became SAHD when our 3rd DC was born, Best decision we ever made. DH was far better than I was at the traditional home maker activities. Left to me the DCs would probably have had to live on what the cat could catch.

Best thing ever for us.

But.... DH took the view that running the home was his job. He made sure that all housekeeping was done during the week while I was at work. This left weekends free for family activities.

Would your DH be up for that?

Your security are 3 months of savings that would cover the bills if you got ill, which would give him time to pull his finger out if it was serious.
Other wise it doesn't sound like you can afford another baby, from what you have said.
Maybe if yiu love him accept him, accept your role in the relationship, prepare for the worst with savings and stop trying for a second child?

There are loads of men who earn more and that's fine, but if a man earns less it's often seen as not good enough. I think you need to re evaluate what you want from life and from the relationship. You can't change him. You either need to split up or justify things on your own mind so that you no longer feel resentful. A man who was highly career focused would probably not be interested in being a great stepdad. So he has that in his favour. If you have a child it will be good that he is a hands on dad.
On the other hand, can you live more cheaply so that the burden on you is less?
I earned about double what my partner does but I reduced my hours since mat leave and we both earn about the same now, he works more hours in a low paid job but still part time, it's his choice as he is qualified for better paid work but chooses not to. He's pretty good around the house and we enjoy spending lots of time together and with the children. We live cheaply but our quality of life is excellent. I think I would feel resentful too if we had a huge mortgage that I was responsible for, but as it is things work really well. Once the children are older I would probably like to focus on my career again, so it will be handy to have a partner who cooks, cleans etc. I actually think I would resent being the one responsible for all the housework even more than the financial side. But depends whether you prefer working or being at home I guess.

As for security, I have a lot of savings, as a pp says I would prioritise building up 3 or 6 months worth of salary for in case something goes wrong. You should discuss maternity leave now and plan how it will be funded. You should both save so that you can have a decent amount of leave. Perhaps your partner can do more hours even for a short while to help with that. Going back after 6 weeks sounds miserable tbh.

Oh no, the struggling artist. The fact is that almost all artists have to work in other areas to support themselves. What would he do if he lived alone? It's great he's good with your teenage child but he's acting like one himself as he's expecting you to financially support him and tell him what housework needs to be done. With such short maternity leave you know he'll stop work altogether. Why are you prepared to put yourself through all that? You have a lovely child but you also have an entitled husband.

Gnome- the kids are at secondary school and I've told him in no uncertain terms that if he ditched his job without another one to go to I'd be more than unimpressed and he knows that I'm the sort of person not to make empty threats.

In the end our I suppose personalities roles and sadly power is a massive reverse of the norm. I will not be fucked with and he knows it and I have the financial ability to walk.

We did look into him going pt when the kids were small and yes he would have done it well and enjoyed it. As he works shifts the answer was no.

He seems like one of those people who thinks he just needs more ‘time to find himself.’ It’s all very well in your 20’s when you are fancy free and irresponsible but a bit sad and frustrating when you are wanting a child.

How do you split bills atm? Do you pay for everything and his money is fun money? What is he responsible for? Does he have a plan or timeline for his art business to become sustainable?

Also, think about the future down the line. He won’t have a pension for retirement and you will always, always be paying for everything, every holiday throughout life. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing or not to do it but is that a life you could accept without resentment?

I just can't imagine not wanting to work, earn etc though.

My brother has had one job in his life and that lasted about a year. He's 45.

He seems very happy. Can't understand it from any angle.

People are different and that's fine. Relationships are different and that's fine.

I think given that OP knew what he was like all along, loves him, he has been brilliant emotionally during difficult times etc. It seems a shame to ditch that and blame him when it's her views that have changed. Would she really be better off without him?

Maybe she'd meet a high flying top earner type. I'd not get on with a man who was like that because of who I am. But she's not me obv.

Sorry that was long.

I think you have to just budget to live within your means. People have limitations as to what they can/are willing to do. Some people will not take shift work - as it doesn’t fit them, some people find certain types of jobs stressful - even if it brings in more money. Some people have limitations due to their health.

Could you cut down your expenditure to have some savings - in case you needed it for mat leave or illness? Could you consider life insurance - at least to provide for your son? I guess it depends how tight your finances are. Does he have the same attitude to finances as you - some people are less ambitious, but are content with less spending too.

No one is perfect. Imagine someone who earns around your salary, but does no housework or doesn’t help look after your son. Do you think life would be better if you were single?

I guess difficult questions - but try not to compare with the ideal: someone who earns the same as you, does at least half the chores, has a similar financial attitude and has a good relationship with your son - it might be hard to find such a person.

His dreams haven't turned into anything after 8 years have they, so realistically, they aren't going anywhere. Has he tried selling his art anywhere like Red Bubble where a lot if arty people make a living? Time for a reality check. Art teacher? You are just going to resent him more otherwise. Unless you can be happy with him being at home with any children & you being the breadwinner.

Why don’t you have a sit down with him and both write down what you want over the next 5 years. What you want to achieve and the things you both value. Me and my DH do this every year or so, it helps us know we’re both going in the right direction, even if things aren’t working out how we’d imagined right now. If what you want is totally different, it’ll be plain to see without an argument.

If the positions were reversed, and it was a man complaining about his wife not working, I would say:
"If you want the marriage to survive, accept it and adapt to it."
1.) Buy lots of life insurance (gross income X 5)
2.) Set up a savings account and deposit 9% of your monthly income until you have an amount equal to two years salary.
3.) Pay off the mortgage as soon as possible. If you are renting, buy something that is suitable for retirement and pay it off asap. You can rent it out until you are ready to retire and settle there.
4.) Remind yourself that earning potential isn't the only quality of a good husband/wife and think about their many good traits.

He sounds lazy. Tell him he needs to go full time again so you'll manage when on mat leave. How many hours does he work?

He does the housework when asked?! Do you need to be asked to do it?! Or work full time? Or pay the bills?