Starting to resent my husband....any words of wisdom?

[Koox87]

I’m sorry for posting but I am at my wits end and would love to hear your views and different people opinion. I’m in my early 30’s and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 1. I have a gorgeous teenager who my husband has more or less brought up with me and he’s been incredible!

I feel absolutely terrible verbalising this to people but I’m really really really struggling with my husbands drive / ambition. My issues are truly not materialistic and I am ALL about equality but I am at a loss with how I feel and wondered if anyone else is in same position or was in the same position....

I absolutely adore my husband, he really is incredible In my eyes and is a perfect step father to my son. We met 8 years ago when I was his manager and we just feel in love and that was it until this day......we’ve been trying for a baby for a couple of years and unfortunately keep having miscarriages in the first trimester but we will keep trying with the right medical support, my husband has truly been my rock and is very supportive in that front.

What I have really been struggling with is his drive and his work ethic.....I earn significantly more than he does and have done since the beginning which ‘was’ ok at the time as we were kids. I’ve supported him by encouraging him with his ideas of being an artist, or going back to adult learning and getting a career, he even works part time now so he can do ‘something’ to get a career but has no drive to do it. His passion is art and I love that but he is getting nowhere with it and in the meantime I’m paying all the bills and carrying the whole family, what happens if I fall ill? His salary on full time wouldn’t even cover the mortgage let alone feed us, we are planning a baby and I only get 6 weeks paid MAT leave with my work then I’ll have to go back as won’t have any other option as he simply isn’t getting a career or financially secure to support us.

He is a good man, a loving husband and an incredible father but I can’t help but resent him for this - I somehow feel he’s taking advantage and is ‘comfortable’ that I’m paying all the bills so why should he try and find something more stable.

We argue about this all the time and I am positive it isn’t nice from a mans perspective that his wife is the bread earner and trust me - it isn’t nice from my side either! I am always worrying that we genuinely have NO fall back if anything happens to me and for that - I resent him so much and can’t let it go......needless to say it all comes out very wrong when we argue as you can imagine and he thinks I don’t support him through his ‘dreams’ :(

Sorry about the long post but I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m materialistic - I truly couldn’t care less that I pay for my own bday presents or wedding ring or about anything like that - I just resent him that I have no security at all...he has no drive or ambition...he’s a dreamer and I am starting to lose attraction to him as my husband...

Has anyone gone through this? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading.

It's not just the money. It's time. He has lots of free time to "play" and do his hobby while you have to adult.

He sounds really selfish and lazy. And he has to be asked to do housework on top.

Stop apologising. You are you and he is himself. If romantic love is enough for you, then great. If you need an equal partner, then he will never be it.

Gender doesn't matter here. If one person isn't living up to their own ambition in words, then they need new words. I've not often seen a person's level of ambition change, because you can't teach confidence and drive.

You know where you are. It's not as bad as you think. You sound incredibly empathetic, but this means he may be taking advantage of your good nature. Doesn't make him a bad person, but you don't deserve to be frustrated either.

I think you need to stop bigging him up, open your eyes and look at reality. He's not wonderful. And you know it! Deep down. It's why you have to keep telling us he is, because you're typing all this stuff that's evidence that he's not.

He's planning to let the mother his DC return to work after 6wks (!!!) maternity when she's carried a precious baby for 9mths following multiple miscarriages. That's not a nice thing to do. Is 6wks even enough time for your body to heal properly?

What if you're someone who for health reasons needs to take maternity before the baby is born, will you just crawl off the delivery table and back to work same day because your maternity leave is already over?

He leaves you to carry all the mental load too. And probably too much of the physical load, which as he's part time should be mostly on him. Not wonderful, not nice.

He needs to grow the fuck up and get a job, a full time one doing whatever is available for whoever hires him first. If he doesn't like the job then he can look for another whilst working, like everyone else has to.

You're supposed to put up with his lazy arse ways in the name of supporting his dream. Bollocks to that. He's not supporting your dream of being a mother again is he? I'm guessing this resentment has reared its head because after several miscarriages you're wanting to spend time with the baby and have a proper maternity leave.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Sure you can compromise and maybe downsize the house or get a job with a better package yourself, but regardless I'd be saying enough is enough and he needs to get himself into a financial position so you can have a year maternity leave. I'd put pregnancy on hold until he does, unless you're prepared to divorce and be a single mother which is where I think you're headed otherwise (you seem too intelligent and self sufficient to want to stay in a miserable marriage, which is what you'll have with the resentment of his laziness and selfishness, if nothing changes).

I absolutely hate those words "my dream"! We all have dreams but meantime life happens and we have to face reality. What would happen to his glorious dream if he couldn't live off you? I wouldn't care how much he earned. It's the whole dreamer thing which is so selfish. Could ye go to couple counselling since it is the one thing that is causing strife in your relationship? The counsellor hopefully would challenge him on that whole notion of deserving to swan around doing nothing while you break your back. Hearing a complete outsider might wake him up. What about your dreams ? You are perfectly reasonable expecting him to contribute and he is manipulating you in wrapping it all up in this talk about his bloody dream. Truth is he is too lazy to work and sees you as a soft touch. It's completely OK to get tough about it and say the good times are over! You have your dc to think about and watching a man not going out to work is not a great role model in his life.

It’s important to follow passions and dreams - but not at the expense of making someone else responsible for a big chunk of our lives while we do it.

I’d be pretty concerned about having a baby with this man because if he doesn’t have the drive and time to work more than part time, do chores (when asked!) and pursue his artistic dreams now, without a baby in the mix, how the hell is he going to fit in parenting?

I would foresee if you had a child with this man that you’d continue to be the breadwinner while also doing the lions share of the childcare - including paying for it because is he going to look after a baby on the days he doesn’t work if right now that’s for his art? Or would he give up part time work altogether, placing more pressure on you?

At the very least I think you need to understand how time consuming a baby is and how for the most part (unless you have a LOT of help) hobbies and passions and all that go out the window for at least the first few months. Can you see yourself working full time, and also facilitating his artistic dreams? How would that happen? You pay for nursery for the baby while he sits at home doing his art? Could you really stomach that?

I've known a fair few arty types and noticed that they all have one thing in common - they feel that it's their right to basically fanny about pursuing their dream career or just expect a lucky break to fall into their lap rather than work at any job to pay the bills and consider their art/music a hobby. Very few make much money through their art and music but seem to believe that their brilliant, creative minds cannot be expected to work at a different job to pay the bills and are horrified at the thought of wasting their talent in an office or something when they deserve to be creating something wonderful all day, as though everybody else's dream jobs have just landed in their laps and we all absolutely love our jobs.
He needs to prioritise his family over his dream of being supported to do very little in an area that is very unlikely to ever really make any money. He can still do it as a hobby, but around work.

This isn't a lack of drive problem in my opinion, it's a lack of respect. My DH doesn't have much drive, but he works and brings in an income because he knows he can't lie around being nagged into chores and doing nothing all day. His other qualities cannot override a lack of respect. Don't have a baby with this man!

We argue about this all the time and I am positive it isn’t nice from a mans perspective that his wife is the bread earner and trust me - it isn’t nice from my side either!

So much for equality. Do women find it difficult when the reverse is true?

Your husband doesn't work full time because he doesn't want to and therefore doesn't bring much money into the home.

He won't help around the house unless you ask him to

I'm afraid I'd be telling him that unless he gets a FT job and takes on some regular household chores he needs to leave

Please don't have a child with this man until the money and chore issues are finally sorted out

Hes not a wonderful man by the way. He's a skiver and lazy. I would have lost respect for him years ago

@Koox87 I have been sole or majority income earner for nearly all of my married life (30 years this year). There have been times when I have resented the burden. There have been times when I have felt very stressed that it was my responsibility to earn the money to feed, clothe and house 5 people.

Having that responsibility meant that I could only take short maternity leaves. I have had to suck things up at work. Sometimes as a working woman with children I have felt that I have had to work harder and show more commitment than an equivalent man.

But I think a lot of men in my position probably feel similar.

I fear you aren't compatible. Be clear - this is YOUR issue, not his. You can be equal in a relationship without earning the same amount.

You claim to be okay about the money, so then it really is his personality that you object to.

I speak from experience as my first long term partner decided to do a PhD and become an academic. He earned almost nothing, let his parents subsidise him, had no clue how he would support himself long-term. Meanwhile I was pushing myself up the career ladder. We split up age 28 as it became clear that I was prepared to graft to earn money, but I couldnt cope with the fact he just wafted around, "discovering" and indulging himself in these pursuits.

op you set the bar very low as to what Is a healthy, equal relationship. And what you describe as wonderful is just the bare minimum you should expect in any case. It seems like you feel very grateful that he accepts your ds as his son, and you are trying to compensate for this by putting up with his lifestyle. If you call it what it is, then he is a lazy man coasting along being funded by you.

I think this is a difficult position to be in .On one hand your DH should be seen to be "stepping up" and getting a FT post .On the other he has supported you and your DC at a very young age ,and is kind and caring .I wonder if he could become a SAHD at all? This would surely be the best answer here .He is not very driven ,and is artistic ,thats who he is and he probably wont change now .If you separated and found a new partner who was earning more would he be so kind ?

He is a good man, a loving husband and an incredible father

And I'm sure you are a good woman, loving wife and incredible mother- but you can manage to step up and contribute to the family. Your concerns are very valid - what if you can't carry the family? He is very lazy op, your ds is a teen so not much supervision required. Why can't he use this time to get going with things - find a ft job, study, set up goals? If you have a baby, this resentment will explode. You will then see how much you resent him.

He's a lazy fucker. Stop defending him as a wonderful husband and step-father because from what you've posted, he's neither of those things.

You have supported him for 8 years while he pursues his dreams.

You have to ask him to take care of his own home.

Tell him it's your turn now, your dream is 12 months maternity leave, how is he going to support you through that?

He sounds inherently selfish. He must see you carrying the load, what does he ever do willingly and without you pointing it out that supports you?

When did he go part time and what was the discussion prior to this?

Doing housework ‘when you tell him to’ isn’t brilliant!

I could have written a similar post though with my dp its more a case of having no 'get up and go ' to improve things. It's been years and I do resent him for it.

You have supported his hobby and enabled his lifestyle for 8 years. He sounds like a nice bloke except for his massive streak of entitlement.
It seems that living off you is working well for him. I would be resentful too. Are you going to have the grown up talk with him?

The longer you put up with this situation, the more it becomes the norm and he won't change. I couldn't live like that. My Mil has a partner who played at employment his whole life. Now they are retired, only she has a pension and incredibly still works at 75 while he faffs about spending her hard earned money. The whole family resents him, but puts up with for the sake of there lovely mother.

Firstly take out income protection insurance.

DH needs to return to work full time. The extra income from this can be saved to pay for your maternity leave.

Can you look at reducing your regular bills or moving to a cheaper house? To take some pressure off.

I won't go into details of my own circumstances but the resentment never goes away, it brews. It's destructive. Have the talk. If things don't change, do not have a child with him. At the moment you can walk away.

if youre irritated by his lack of ambition and work ethic then youre kind of irritated by his personality. Hes not going to suddenly become someone he never was. It sounds like you value a lot of his other qualities, but is that enough? Would you be happier with his lack of professional ambition if he was a better homemaker. if he wants to be arty and creative instead of bringing in money thats one thing if he was actually taking on the mental load of running the house too, but if you actually have to delegate him jobs and chores rather than him actually working out what needs doing and then doing it, then it sounds like hes in some sort of extended adolescence. Youre not his mum. Being a nice person doesnt pay the rent.

This reminds me of a dental receptionist at my dentist. He is long haired, covered in tattoos but smartly dressed/hair tied back and polite/chatty. He looks totally out of place sitting there with the older “traditional” type female receptionists but I thought “good on him” as he looks the arty/music type but seems like he needed the stable money coming in.

Of course, I could be wrong and that was his chosen career all along but I can’t imagine this or that he has much in common with his colleagues.
So, it can be done!

Like others have said, he needs to pursue his “dreams” as a hobby first whilst contributing more financially so the burden is spread a bit more equally.

What's does he do part time?