Starting to resent my husband....any words of wisdom?

[Koox87]

I’m sorry for posting but I am at my wits end and would love to hear your views and different people opinion. I’m in my early 30’s and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 1. I have a gorgeous teenager who my husband has more or less brought up with me and he’s been incredible!

I feel absolutely terrible verbalising this to people but I’m really really really struggling with my husbands drive / ambition. My issues are truly not materialistic and I am ALL about equality but I am at a loss with how I feel and wondered if anyone else is in same position or was in the same position....

I absolutely adore my husband, he really is incredible In my eyes and is a perfect step father to my son. We met 8 years ago when I was his manager and we just feel in love and that was it until this day......we’ve been trying for a baby for a couple of years and unfortunately keep having miscarriages in the first trimester but we will keep trying with the right medical support, my husband has truly been my rock and is very supportive in that front.

What I have really been struggling with is his drive and his work ethic.....I earn significantly more than he does and have done since the beginning which ‘was’ ok at the time as we were kids. I’ve supported him by encouraging him with his ideas of being an artist, or going back to adult learning and getting a career, he even works part time now so he can do ‘something’ to get a career but has no drive to do it. His passion is art and I love that but he is getting nowhere with it and in the meantime I’m paying all the bills and carrying the whole family, what happens if I fall ill? His salary on full time wouldn’t even cover the mortgage let alone feed us, we are planning a baby and I only get 6 weeks paid MAT leave with my work then I’ll have to go back as won’t have any other option as he simply isn’t getting a career or financially secure to support us.

He is a good man, a loving husband and an incredible father but I can’t help but resent him for this - I somehow feel he’s taking advantage and is ‘comfortable’ that I’m paying all the bills so why should he try and find something more stable.

We argue about this all the time and I am positive it isn’t nice from a mans perspective that his wife is the bread earner and trust me - it isn’t nice from my side either! I am always worrying that we genuinely have NO fall back if anything happens to me and for that - I resent him so much and can’t let it go......needless to say it all comes out very wrong when we argue as you can imagine and he thinks I don’t support him through his ‘dreams’ :(

Sorry about the long post but I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m materialistic - I truly couldn’t care less that I pay for my own bday presents or wedding ring or about anything like that - I just resent him that I have no security at all...he has no drive or ambition...he’s a dreamer and I am starting to lose attraction to him as my husband...

Has anyone gone through this? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading.

Having a baby and returning at 6 weeks will destroy you. If he's lazy then you'll end up being physically unwell/not healed, working and picking up the lion share at home too.

If he wants to do art for a living then he has to realise it's not about faffing about in the garage, it's an agressive game of networking and promotion. If he doesn't want to do that then he needs to get a job that channels his art somehow but the time for that was last decade. If he wants a baby with you then he has to forego that now and get a job that pays. Otherwise I'd not be having a baby with this man at all. Don'tal saddle yourself with it all. Your poor older child will end up picking up after him and it'll ruin you all.

You would be reasonable to leave him. Hes not meeting basic needs. And this doesnt appear to concern him.

Workshy. Unmotivatived, no ambition. I couldn't respect him. When the respect goes and resentment creeps in, the attraction dies.

6 weeks maternity leave wouldn't be acceptable to me.

Of course, if you're comfortable in your role or breadwinner. It's ok. And being his 'patron' , supporting him to achieve, whatever it is, also ok. But I wouldn't be having a baby with this man.

You’re going to hit some nerves here op from women who are housewives or part time low earners….

@Bluntness100

You’re going to hit some nerves here op from women who are housewives or part time low earners….

She might hit some nerves. But they don't have children together. Yet she's supported him through most of her twenties. It appears he may never have supported himself...

This is not a reversal of the sahm threads that pop up regularly here.

It's also important to note that a SAHM would be highly unlikely to see housework, childcare, and all the jobs that go with running a home are somehow still the repsonsibility of their partner, and that they are 'helping out'. Because you can bet your life that this waster won't step up to being a SAHD. He'll still be cocklodging and 'helping' when asked.

He already works less than you, OP, you should be 'helping' him with the household duties, not the other way around.

This is not a reversal of the sahm threads that pop up regularly here

I think you may have read too quickly and missed what I actually said. I made no reference to sahms. As such clearly I was not insinuating this was the same as that.

This is really hard, I think we would all like to waft around like students and do things that fulfil us creatively and that’s great but if you want to do that stay single and don’t have kids. I think if you want those things you have to evolve and you have to take on the responsibility that having a baby requires needing more money. I would be really lovely and good humored all the time if I could drift around doing some painting while someone else financially supported me.
I remember having a row with a boyfriend who said
‘well you knew what my job was when you met me’
and I was like
‘yes great but it’s seven years later I expected you to progress’
otherwise we would all be married to paperboys.

Working part time is a luxury few can afford. I would love to work part time but like many I just cannot afford it. He has to get a full time job.

I would not have a baby with him. If he becomes the SAHP by default he will never work again. I know because that is exactly what my DM did.

I could not be with someone who earned less than me because I would want things to be equal. However, some do but I think its when both are working full time.

The problem is that his job is essentially little more than a hobby. It’s not something which is bringing in money for bills and doesn’t look likely to. Like actors, most artists have other jobs to give them stability when creative work is thin on the ground. You only give those up when you’re established and the money is coming in, whereas he’s got it upside down - he’s hoping if he carries on as he is, the work will start to be generated.

He seems to have a bit of a dreamer mentality where he isn’t materialistic (a good thing) but isn’t practical or forward-planning either. He has no plan for if anything should go wrong. You’re right to be worried. You aren’t writing him off as a rubbish husband - he seems lovely - you are simply requiring that he starts to accept he has adult responsibilities and you don’t have a financial cushion that supports his dreamy creative aspirations.

I think he should be finding some way to bring in at least part time money while doing his art.

@Bluntness100

You’re going to hit some nerves here op from women who are housewives or part time low earners….

Not at all. I am one of those people.

There's nothing wrong with being a housewife (or house husband) or being a part-time low earner so long as both parties in the relationship are happy with the situation, but OP is not happy.

Its not a question either of if he'd be a SAHD

(I think he'd be lazy at the house chores and possibly at the parenting too, as he seems to have an attitude of he's done it once and now wants to have fun)

but whether the OP wants him to be a SAHD. She has grafted long and hard and perhaps she would prefer, in an ideal world, to go part time this time around and bring up her child herself?

It sounds like OP was a single, career driven, mother of a small child when they met and her husband has slotted himself into a sort of 'assistant' role within the family. I expect he's slacked off more lately, or will do, because now they're married he's 'got' her, and her support, for keeps.

If they divorce, as the higher earner she'll lose out. If he gets enough in a settlement to buy a flat outright and continued working part time minimum wage he'd not be destitute and could easily fix his life by working full time. A share of her pension would make up for him not having one. If he's a SAHD she stands to lose even more, including the status of resident parent. He's not stupid, he knows all this. Therefore he has absolutely no incentive to do anything other than coast along being supported to do whatever he wants.

And yes I know men often find themselves in a similar position with their partners being SAHM. The difference is men aren't women. 'Equal' doesn't mean 'same'. Both will grieve a miscarriage, but it's the woman who has hormones flying around that were preparing her for a baby which no longer exists, her body that has to recover from the miscarriages. It's the woman who has the physical hard work of being pregnant and birthing, her body that needs to recover from that. It's the woman who is filled with milk, and hormones telling her not to leave her baby's side. Men and women aren't just two interchangeable clones in a relationship, it literally isn't the same experience for both of them.

I am sorry OP but it sounds like you have outgrown him. And in your heart you know that, so you married him as a sticking plaster over the cracks in your relationship.

I think you need to stop trying for a baby, get off that treadmill so you can really assess your relationship. What may have worked in your twenties is not working now you have grown up and stepped up and he hasn't drifted on. You cannot change him, so you have to accept this is what he is like forever, or accept your marriage has a sell by date.

I do not think he sounds like your life's partner for the long haul anymore, so it may be better to cut your losses now rather than keep ploughing on believing you can change him.

I don't think I could deal with this.

I'm perfectly comfortable with a man earning less than me but there has to be a commensurate adjustment in his responsibilities domestically. You've basically said he'll do domestic stuff when he's asked to, ie not proactively. If he's at home more than you and barely contributing financially he needs to step up and "own" this.

And more to the point it doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to make the art into a career.

Art is a difficult career and if you really want to make it you need to work really hard at it: ie carve out time each week to focus on it. Or just treat it like a hobby and find a job which enables him to contribute more. It doesn't sound like he's doing either of these: just noodling around and using the fact he's an "artist" to avoid pulling his weight either financially or domestically. He can't have it both ways.

And yes, don't continue trying for a baby with him. Honestly it sounds like your marriage isn't going to get better unless he has a significant wake up call. I'd put it to him in these terms: ie if you want a child with me you need to get a better paying job or take on more on the domestic front.

If you were a man I’d say you’ve got a good woman. If you have to be a bread winner so be it.

I guess that can apply to you, if you’re happy in all other aspects of your life then can you work on it.

Does he look after the housework Or do you have to tell him what to do?

It is really frustrating he is chasing a dream without any effort.
It is a smoke screen. If he really wanted to follow his dream his ambition would show.
It's disrespectful putting the responsibility on you.
He isn't mature enough for a baby.

God, don't have a baby with him or make him a SAHD or you'll be paying for him for the rest of your life and be NRP for your child.

I guess it is no different to all the couples where the wife only earns a little bit of 'pin money'. If he's going to not earn much he will have to do all the 'wife work'. Look after the baby (if you have one), look after the house etc.

[quote Koox87]@MsVestibule thanks for replying and relating. Yes he does pull his weight around the house when I ask him to. He really is wonderful and I feel terrible thinking like this but I am genuinely struggling mentally accepting that this is our forever and that I will always have to be carrying the family and the financial burdens forever.

I want to be supportive with his dreams but when does that stop? When does the reality hit that if something happens to me then everything is gone? Do I just have to accept this is it......we all have to compromise I know but this is huge.....

What did you end up doing? Did you compromise?[/quote]
' . . . when I ask him to . . . '

C'mon, OP, you do NOT have to accept this or compromise. This is your life, you have agency here. Do you owe yourself more than this?

He's not an equal partner, no matter how 'wonderful' he is. Of course you don't have to accept this!

Who would support his bloody dreams if you weren't enabling it? He's not acting like an adult.

I'd find this frustrating too and would not like the idea of giving up my maternity leave so that he can be a stay at home dad, even if that is the option that makes sense.

Not sure what the answer is. If you love him and he's a good man then it's probably not something to break up over. I'd probably stop supporting the artist dream but some people are just not money motivated. I can handle not being money motivated but I would expect him to work hard and to work/be paid for full time hours in whatever he chooses to do....

I earn now 6 times what my husband does. It doesn't really bother me I'm ambitious and have done well. He is not and had a very bad childhood a runaway at 15. However he works full time and is very reliable for his boss ina a manual job. If he was a layabout and didn't work I wouldnt support that at all.

We talk about his maybe retraining into something that maybe doesn't pay more but he would find more fulfilling as he does get down about that sometimes but a nice trade like carpentry or something I think he'd find more satisfying.

I have various insurances and try to live far below our means to save for what of I get I'll type of situations. It works for us. We balance each other out. Only think is I wish he do a bit more around the house or organising things buys he's not too bad compared to some when it comes to chores around the house.

I’m in a similar situation in the sense that I’m the main earner (£30000+ a year more than DH) and he works part time to my full time. However we agreed on this as he wanted to do a day release course to further his career. He also does most of the housework and school run for DSD etc. And it is temporary with a goal in mind - in 2 years time he can use his course to increase his job role to full time and on a better salary. If your DH wants a new career or to be an artist etc he needs to get productive - can he sell his art via social media or at craft fares etc to bring in more money to supplement his part time role? Is he looking to enrol in college or uni? If so he needs to get applying now for September entry. Tell him you will support what he wants to do but he needs to do something. Give him a time frame to make a move towards his goal.

@Chimen

If you were a man I’d say you’ve got a good woman. If you have to be a bread winner so be it.

I guess that can apply to you, if you’re happy in all other aspects of your life then can you work on it.

Does he look after the housework Or do you have to tell him what to do?

What a load of bollocks. How many men do you know who are the breadwinner and also carry all the mental load at home, as well as doing the majority of the house chores, whilst their "good woman" works part time and "helps with some housework when asked" (OPs words)?

Yeah, none!

YABU partially, as you knew what he was like when you married him and I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to change his attitude to work/ambition levels. Your expectations of this and of him are on you - it doesn't seem like he ever pretended to be something he wasn't in that respect.

However, if a baby is thrown in the mix then YANBU for worrying about these things and expecting him to step up as a father. But note that this does not have to mean stepping up as a provider in the way that you have been doing (financially). If he stepped up in a primary carer/secondary earner type way that happens to be what a lot of women do all over the country, which would enable you to be the breadwinner, then that could be an option. You seem like a black and white thinker around men's and women's/fathers' and mothers' roles. Try and put these aside and think of what you two are doing as a parenting unit regardless of who does what individually.