AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

[TheRobberBride123]

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

@OwlBeThere

I think it’s pretty shit not too for 1 night

The OP has children, and this man may or may not be on drugs but has definitely 100% been threatening in the past. Not worth the risk.

With all due respect @me4real I am a Probation Officer and I can guarantee you 100% that people are released street homeless every single day. Through The Gate has many failings and has widely been panned as a box ticking exercise, despite well meaning and dedicated staff. The naïveté on this post is staggering. Obtaining any sort of grant requires ID that many prisoners don’t have, and that’s without even getting into those that have made themselves intentionally homeless or can’t manage to live independently.

@Startingagainperson I have not suggested at any point that this chap staying at the OP’s home is a good idea. In fact, I highlighted the fact it was likely to be a licence breach.

@me4real

Nooo.

It actually won't help him either, he needs to go to the council or a hostel or something and they'll help him get on his feet, apply for benefits, find somewhere to live etc. (I've been homeless twice so I know what I'm talking about.) They doon't ask for money eeither in my experience, as they apply for housing benefit for the person. The only genuinely homeless people not in a hostel are those who try and use substances or alcohol in there and get thrown out, or very occasionally people with mental health problems who aren't also addicts maybe.

If he genuinely is homeless, your DH is just enabling him.

I actually don't think the prison would've discharged him with nowhere to go, so either he's told your DH some lie, or your DH is telling you one.

I think this is very area dependent to be honest.

@RoseRedRoseBlue fair enough. It’s all a bit tragic and sad isn’t it, addiction with the crime that goes with it.

Oh no way. Someone just out of prison would be housed by the council I think under the homelessness duty. Perhaps he's turned down that accomodation due to a requirement to not take or have drugs or alcohol on the premises?

You are being reasonable OP

The man put his foot in the door to prevent her closing it...
She does not feel safe.

Helping him is the kind and right thing to do but DH's responsibility is to ensure that his family are safe and feel safe too.

Finding him a place to stay. Being a supportive and listening friend. These can be done.

How could you even vaguely suspect that you might be unreasonable OP?! Obviously it’s not ok to usher a criminal on drugs in to your kids home. If he’s lovely, your husband is free to meet up with him any time and enjoy his company.

@Startingagainperson it’s an absolute nightmare to deal with and when someone has made themselves intentionally homeless through ASB or whatever, nobody wants to know. Risk managing someone who you can’t even locate and has nothing to lose is extremely stressful and has literally given me sleepless nights, especially when they are High risk or have committed serious offences.

Wow, your H doesn’t give a shit about his kids does he? Cares more about this bloke.

No, he can’t stay.

@AmberIsACertainty, no they wouldn’t. There is no duty in the majority of cases.

You also have SIL living with you. Would she feel safe having him stay?

I actually don't think the prison would've discharged him with nowhere to go

Of course they do! All the time!

And unfortunately many hostels are either closed or taking in far fewer people in order to maintain distancing.

Quite recently I was involved in finding someone who's just been made homeless, a roof over their head. Unlike my friend, I had the luxury of a computer, decent mental health and tenacity, and the time to research and phone around many charities and organisations. It took all day, and I was getting quite panicky. Everyone was apologetic but no-one could help. At the last minute a place was found with some Catholic nuns who take in homeless people. My friend was the only person in a whole dorm because they could only have one person per room due to covid.

Oh no way. Someone just out of prison would be housed by the council I think under the homelessness duty.

You're very wrong. This hardly ever happens. Again, so much naivety in this thread.

@saraclara I imagine some people are getting a real education via this thread. The constant “holiday camp” rhetoric about UK prisons feeds into the lack of understanding.

Pass go is right - he must leave

I'd be frustrated. Your husband has tried to help him before. Personally, my compassion and charity run dry when someone has had help, falls right back into the patterns, then expects the same people who helped him the first time to be there again. You can only do so much.

Some people will be a drain on your resources (material and emotional) for your whole life, if you let them. You shouldn't have to have someone you don't feel safe around (and don't even like) in your home. YANBU.

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@saraclara I imagine some people are getting a real education via this thread. The constant “holiday camp” rhetoric about UK prisons feeds into the lack of understanding.[/quote]
Absolutely, with regard to your last sentence. I blame the Daily Mail and The Telegraph!

No yanbu unless you want to spend the night awake with one eye open.
There are hostels available.
I'd probably feel guilt too, if I could afford a travel lodge or similar for one night I'd pay but let him know it's the last favour ever.

@saraclara bane of my life 🙂

Drug use and prison aside, the fact he's turned up shouting and demanding money and put his foot in your door means he doesn't respect you and is willing to overstep boundaries. He's made himself unwelcome.

I agree with VaggieMight to be honest .
Just say No.
End of .

Not a fucking chance in hell.

My older brother is an addict and has behaved in similar ways to your "friend". Once I had children, he was no longer welcome in my house. Never again.

Your first responsibility is always to the safety and well being of your DC. It should be your DH's too, assuming he is their father...

If DH is so desperate to play the hero, can't he pay for a cheap hotelroom for him for one night?

Travelodge, ibis etc can be dirt cheap. Obviously this depends on location, I do appreciate that not everywhere has cheap hotel rooms.

As soon as you said heroin I stopped reading. No fucking way should you or your deluded husband deal with that shit. If he wants to run a hostel for homeless addicts tell him to fill his boots. But make sure that is out of your orbit by about 3 fucking light years. Does he use smack or is this sheer white knight syndrome?