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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

256 replies

TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 21:56

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/05/2021 23:25

Absolutely not especially not with 2 kids and especially not a heroin addict. This is extremely dangerous. I worked in mens prison for 7 years and people like this need specialist help not accent in a family home. Your husband is an absolute idiot with no concerns for his familys safety. Id make it quite plain that if this friend moves in you and the children move out. What the hell is he thinking?
Id be reconsidering my marriage because of this.

Lollypop4 · 13/05/2021 23:31

100% No and it always would be.
Your DH is selfish tbh, Honestly can he not see you and Dc are priority here?
BIL had major drug issues ect and Dh suggested he stayed to " get help and get clean. It was a firm no and, as selifish as I sound, I have no amd would have no regrets saying no

HelloDaisy · 13/05/2021 23:39

Dh had a lovely friend who ended up on drugs, sad sad story.

Anyway, he used to come and stay with us to detox which was incredibly stressful but that was before we had dc. No way would either of us let him stay after they were born.

You need to protect your dc first and foremost, as well as the young, vulnerable, and maybe impressionable sil that is also staying.

Startingagainperson · 13/05/2021 23:41

No.

Prison does have support when you first get out, someone to help you find somewhere to live or point you to places to assist. He has to rely on the agencies and himself, and shacking up ‘when it’s raining’ is just leaving everything to the last minute and expecting someone to pick up the slack. It’s no way to restart your life after prison.

I had a friend like this, he was absolutely lovely, such a good heart. However long term addict with all the dodgy associations that brings. I remained his friend, helped him if I could. However no way did he ever come near my home and I never had him to stay. And he was the most respectful guy ever. But my kids come first, I couldn’t ever take the risk that he bought drugs in, or whatever.

me4real · 13/05/2021 23:43

Nooo.

It actually won't help him either, he needs to go to the council or a hostel or something and they'll help him get on his feet, apply for benefits, find somewhere to live etc. (I've been homeless twice so I know what I'm talking about.) They doon't ask for money eeither in my experience, as they apply for housing benefit for the person. The only genuinely homeless people not in a hostel are those who try and use substances or alcohol in there and get thrown out, or very occasionally people with mental health problems who aren't also addicts maybe.

If he genuinely is homeless, your DH is just enabling him.

I actually don't think the prison would've discharged him with nowhere to go, so either he's told your DH some lie, or your DH is telling you one.

Glitterblue · 13/05/2021 23:47

Not unreasonable at all, you have your children to think about. DH works with homeless people and he always has lists of prisoners getting released and has places lined up for them to go on their release so presumably your local council will do something similar. Any who are not on the council's radar would be able to get emergency accommodation through the council.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 13/05/2021 23:47

@Startingagainperson if you leave prison at sentence expiry date, there is nobody to help.

Lemmeout · 13/05/2021 23:48

You have responsibilities to put your children first.
Including to protect them from your DH altruism for risky adults.

Lemmeout · 13/05/2021 23:48

He can register as homeless.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 13/05/2021 23:48

@me4real dozens of people get released from prison every day with nowhere to go, so your idea that someone is lying is likely incorrect.

SallyCinnabon · 13/05/2021 23:52

I have a feeling if you let him in, it wouldn’t just be one night OP

Sidesaladofchips · 13/05/2021 23:56

Wow your DH needs to get real. It has to be a big fat no. Protect your children and tell your DH that this is a ridiculously BAD idea.

Startingagainperson · 14/05/2021 00:00

[quote RoseRedRoseBlue]@Startingagainperson if you leave prison at sentence expiry date, there is nobody to help.[/quote]
There is information whilst in prison. That isn’t to say there is a person allocated to you or accommodation when you leave. Far from it usually. However there is information on shelters, on temporary accommodation, on local agencies that can assist, on homeless local agencies. There are agencies locally that help anyone who finds themselves homeless and all of these numbers are usually to be found.

I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not. It’s a horrible life being an addict, at every stage, whether being in and out of prison, the danger, health problems. Really not great.

However this man has to go through the agency channels, or the local homeless provisions or shelters.

Even my friend, when he ended up with no accommodation at times, wouldn’t ask to stay with me. I knew that sometimes he was in a terrible state somewhere, or staying god knows where. Possibly even on the streets sometimes. The loveliest guy it would break my heart sometimes to think of him. But I knew that no way ever could he stay with me or even encroach too much on my family life. He knew that too and respected me so he never even asked. He knew he couldn’t be trusted. He knew he bought a kind of chaos and devastation. Didn’t stop me feeling for him and still giving him my friendship, but with really strict boundaries.

HoppingPavlova · 14/05/2021 00:05

No way, I would spring for a cheap hotel for 1-2 nights while he sources emergency accommodation.

happinessischocolate · 14/05/2021 00:07

I know a guy in the same situation, he's had a horrendous life and it's shit but I wouldn't let him stay either.

Chances are if he's just been released then he is clean and all would be fine, but then do you let them stay again another time? And another time??? Because sooner or later it won't go well and you'll come down in the morning to either find they've overdosed on your sofa or they've taken all your valuables whilst you slept.

Maybe not this time or next time, but it will happen eventually.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 14/05/2021 00:14

@Startingagainperson your post clearly said that there would be someone to help. Leaflets and helplines are no good if someone is illiterate, non-English speaking or struggles to deal with bureaucracy.

Returning to the post, if this guy is on licence he can’t just pitch up at the local homeless shelter, as it will be a clear breach.

Longdistance · 14/05/2021 00:15

gets out tiny violin
Fuck, no! I’d your dh stupid? Young dc and an addict and crim in the house. You’ve already got his sister as a guest. Does he think your home is some sort of stop off point for down and outs?

AliceMcK · 14/05/2021 00:15

You have definitely done the right thing op. I understand your DH wants to support his friend and being in your home would feel good for his friend, but your family comes first.

I was going to suggest paying for a travelodge/premier in for a couple of nights so he has a warm bed to go to, if your DH wants to help him.

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 14/05/2021 00:19

Fuck no, even without children in the mix. I wouldn't trust him not to nick something and sell it. Just because he's been in prison it doesn't mean he's clean - plenty of drugs available in prisons.

OwlBeThere · 14/05/2021 00:24

I think it’s pretty shit not too for 1 night

HollowTalk · 14/05/2021 00:25

Shoplifting obviously wasn't his first offence. Your husband needs stronger boundaries and to protect his family.

Startingagainperson · 14/05/2021 00:27

@RoseRedRoseBlue

quote from Shelter
Most prisons have a housing advice and resettlement service called Through the Gate. The service is delivered by charities including Shelter, St Giles Trust and Catch22.
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_ex_prisoners

I’m still not saying it’s easy, probably not, there is supposed to be a resettlement officer in most prisons but I imagine it’s not always that great. However this guy should be following the above and not asking a family to house him. It’s that simple. And that’s not to blame the guy, it’s probably a hard old life he has there. But it does no good, what the OPs DH is doing.

So just to be clear, in my post I was not saying a magic person will appear in prison and sort everything.

What I am saying is that there are options for him, agencies, information and yes probably people to speak to. It’s not to say this will result in a definite place to stay. But you just can’t draw someone into your world as an addict, you just can’t, and staying overnight in a family home crosses the line.

me4real · 14/05/2021 00:27

@RoseRedRoseBlue

'Most prisons have a housing advice and resettlement service called Through the Gate. The service is delivered by charities including Shelter, St Giles Trust and Catch22.'

They can also get grants if eligible, council housing, emergency housing etc etc england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_ex_prisoners

They really wouldn't be likely to just release them on to the streets, as that would increase risk of reoffending.

AMillionMilesAway · 14/05/2021 00:31

No.
If he was just down on his luck, I would say YABU, but he has possible current addiction issues and you have children in the house.
I would offer to pay for him to stay in a hotel for one night, on the understanding he presents to the local council ASAP tomorrow, who can arrange proper emergency accommodation. If he doesn't do that, it's not really your problem.

Startingagainperson · 14/05/2021 00:32

@me4real

Do we have the same mind?! Smile

They also say prisoners can get 50 pounds for first night stay I think - and can apply to the council before leaving prison. I think I’m right but better check! It’s late!