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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to allow DH's homeless friend to stay over on this rainy night

256 replies

TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 21:56

DH has a friend from his school days who has taken a few wrong turns and is addicted to heroin, homeless and in and out of prison. DH has spent considerable time and money helping this friend previously and he was clean and doing well for a while, but it went to pot when the pandemic hit.

Friend has just got out of prison and DH wants him to stay here tonight, as he's apparently clean and it's raining. DH is making me feel like a terrible person for saying no. We have two kids under 3 and I won't feel safe with him in the house. Friend has previously turned up outside pur house at midnight screaming for money, once put his foot in the door when I answered, and if I'm honest I really don't like him.

SIL is currently staying with us because she has dropped out of uni due to her mental health, and we have previously had another of DH's friends stay for several months as he had to get out of a bad situation. I do try to help people. Am I an awful person?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRobberBride123 · 13/05/2021 22:24

Also he has been in prison for shoplifting, so nothing violent. I just don't feel comfortable with him in the house at all, and I feel resentful of being put in this situation where I have to be the bad guy.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/05/2021 22:25

You're doing the right thing. Children are regularly removed from families because their parent fails to safeguard them and allow drug abusers into the house. The foot in the door thing is threatening and the turning up outside your house at midnight screaming for money is horrific. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

And I don't know what he was in prison for, but I do know of someone who had addictions and became homeless after a prison sentence for child sex offences. I'm guessing the first 2 were as a result of the guilt/repercussions from the latter. Not all addicts are just unlucky and "fall on hard times". Some make VERY poor life choices (to put it mildly Hmm. And that's all I'll say about that particular matter, before anyone says any more about it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/05/2021 22:26

Ah cross post about the prison sentence.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2021 22:27

@Saz432

I’m not sure I could say no in this situation, but then I don’t know the situation and what has happened historically, whether he has stayed with you before, how that went etc. Presumably the difficulties faced with him in the past have been due to drugs - if he’s clean, I would put him up if I had space.

With your kids in the house? A drug using male who has previously turned up in the middle of the night and put his foot in the door when asking for money?

It would be irresponsible to let him stay when OP has children there. It's really unfair of her DH to make her the 'baddie' by saying no when he should prioritise his family and say no himself, instead focusing on ways to help his friend (who may well be on their way to get better and want to work through their difficulties) that don't require risking his family's welfare.

As an ex addict myself, I would always remind people that addicts or newly clean ex users can be manipulative and deceptive to a staggering degree. That isn't me damning them and saying they're bad people, but trusting them blindly in good faith is foolish and not something someone with children in the house should do. Ever.

Summerdayshaze · 13/05/2021 22:28

Yanbu. I wouldn’t have him near my children.

RoseDelatour · 13/05/2021 22:28

No, your home is your sanctuary. Even more so, in the current climate. It would be a hard no from me and I’d be pissed with DH even making the suggestion!!

Sinner10 · 13/05/2021 22:30

@Toolateplanting

Was he not released to an address? If he is homeless and been given temporary accommodation he will lose it and all his rights to it if he does not stay there.
They’re not always released with somewhere to go. He will get offered emergency accommodation but this is not a quick thing, there is often lengthy waiting lists.
mrscatmad31 · 13/05/2021 22:30

My own brother is homeless but I would not let him stay in my house because I do not trust him, absolutely not being unreasonable not wanting him to stay

GreyStairs · 13/05/2021 22:30

YANBU, well done for standing your ground. You can tell your DH that it was a resounding agreement with you on MN.

StartingGrid · 13/05/2021 22:33

I think your DH needs reminding his wife and children are his priority, and whatever he wants to do to fulfil his saviour complex should be done only if it has no effect on your family's home, safety, time, and finances...

RoseRedRoseBlue · 13/05/2021 22:38

If he has come out of prison on licence, he will be in breach if he stays at any address not approved by his Probation Officer.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/05/2021 22:49

@AnneLovesGilbert

No. Your husband’s white knight complex shouldn’t be invading yours and your children’s home.
This^ If he wants to save everyone suggest he join the salvation army. You and your children should be protected and cherished first - then his sister. Not random friends with drug addictions or mental issues.
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 13/05/2021 22:55

Absolutely fucking not.

With two young children and a vulnerable young woman in the house? He needs to give himself a wobble.

He can give him money for a premier inn and consider his white knight syndrome placated. His priorities and alliance lies with his wife and children, not a friend who has addiction issues and a record of being volatile/violent to his home.

skybluee · 13/05/2021 22:56

I feel sad reading this.

People who are saying nasty things - judge not lest ye be judged.

We've no idea what kind of pain this person has been through. No one wants that life for themselves, they don't. It's miserable.

I'm not writing this to the OP as you sound non-judgemental and like you want to help. You're perfectly within your right not to have him stay and honestly I wouldn't either. I wouldn't judge him though and that's the issue I have with this thread.

If you're desperately unhappy, in physical pain most of the time, or a whole host of other things... it's easy to see why something that even just makes you feel 'OK' and makes things bearable can seem like a better option than taking your own life for example. It happens to a lot of people and it's easy to sit from far away and to not understand how it can happen - until it does.

You sound like a good person so none of this is aimed at you, just at some of the attitudes on here. I hope your DH's friend is OK and that you and your DH are too.

Redjumper1 · 13/05/2021 23:00

No. I had similar. Not with convicts tbf but with relatives who wanted to stay for months for this reason or another. How exactly does that benefit my child? It doesn't and so therefore not happening. It's the same principal here. It doesn't benefit your children so therefore shouldn't happen. You actually get zero thanks for it anyway.

PurpleRainDancer · 13/05/2021 23:03

@AnneLovesGilbert

No. Your husband’s white knight complex shouldn’t be invading yours and your children’s home.
This
WarwickHunt · 13/05/2021 23:04

@skybluee

I feel sad reading this.

People who are saying nasty things - judge not lest ye be judged.

We've no idea what kind of pain this person has been through. No one wants that life for themselves, they don't. It's miserable.

I'm not writing this to the OP as you sound non-judgemental and like you want to help. You're perfectly within your right not to have him stay and honestly I wouldn't either. I wouldn't judge him though and that's the issue I have with this thread.

If you're desperately unhappy, in physical pain most of the time, or a whole host of other things... it's easy to see why something that even just makes you feel 'OK' and makes things bearable can seem like a better option than taking your own life for example. It happens to a lot of people and it's easy to sit from far away and to not understand how it can happen - until it does.

You sound like a good person so none of this is aimed at you, just at some of the attitudes on here. I hope your DH's friend is OK and that you and your DH are too.

Well said @skybluee
WarwickHunt · 13/05/2021 23:06

How exactly does that benefit my child? It doesn't and so therefore not happening. It's the same principal here. It doesn't benefit your children so therefore shouldn't happen.

This seems to be a remarkably selfish code to live by.

wizzywig · 13/05/2021 23:06

He is likely to be breaking his licence conditions by staying with you.

saraclara · 13/05/2021 23:09

I'm astonished at the naivety of people on this thread who think that prisoners are given accommodation to go to on release!

I do understand your DH wanting to help, but much as I think the system is terrible and I have sympathy for someone released with nowhere to go, a home with young children in it isn't really an option. I'm glad the guy has found somewhere else.

RachelRaven · 13/05/2021 23:12

@WarwickHunt

How exactly does that benefit my child? It doesn't and so therefore not happening. It's the same principal here. It doesn't benefit your children so therefore shouldn't happen.

This seems to be a remarkably selfish code to live by.

How is protecting your children and putting their needs first selfish?
Moneyissue101 · 13/05/2021 23:13

I think I agree with you. If absolutely pushed I'd have made DH sleep in the living room with the guy but I'd have been very uncomfortable about the situation.
Glad he's found somewhere to go though

RoseRedRoseBlue · 13/05/2021 23:14

@saraclara and that is a constant struggle for Probation Officers - that the general public think we are responsible for providing accommodation. Honestly, the lack of understanding of the Criminal Justice System in England and Wales is shocking.

Cowbells · 13/05/2021 23:21

YANBU. It won't be one night. He'll be sofa surfing, bullying you and unsettling your DC. Make it plain to DH he can support his friend on his own time but not at the expense of your and your DC's safety and ease of mind.

Redjumper1 · 13/05/2021 23:22

@WarwickHunt

How exactly does that benefit my child? It doesn't and so therefore not happening. It's the same principal here. It doesn't benefit your children so therefore shouldn't happen.

This seems to be a remarkably selfish code to live by.

If not having a man, who was smashing in my door, sleeping one one door away from my child makes me selfish so be it.