If you had a miscarriage 1/2/5/10/20+ years ago... (TW for the obvious reason)

[EssentialHummus]

If you had a miscarriage some time ago, how do you feel about it now? How often if at all do you think about the child you would have had, or the circumstances around your loss?

I suffered a loss last year, around the time that covid hit the UK. So we're now just over a year on. I'm pregnant again and touch wood this time things are progressing well, and tbh I feel very lucky as I'm expecting twins. But I still think about my loss quite a bit - sometimes with sadness, sometimes (especially lately) in a more pragmatic/constructive way, ie it led to my current circumstances. For fullness, my MC led to my marriage going into a tailspin that took a long time (and therapy) to resolve, and it destroyed a close friendship (because my friend was so foul and lacking in empathy about it all that I couldn't continue). But it also allowed me to build a stronger marriage, and to create and run a really interesting small charity that is going well and helping a lot of people.

I feel that my feelings are normal, if maybe a bit on the emotional side, especially as I know women who have had many losses and had to endure far worse. But I'm interested - if you've had a MC however long ago, how do you feel about it now?

(And no, it's not really AIBU, but I'm very much "the more this topic is talked about/out in the open, the better") - so here it is on the busiest bit of MN.

I had 2 early mc and then didn't conceive again for several years, I now have 3 dc. I found my mc devestating, they both came after months of ttc and then I had such a long gap before I conceived again successfully. I grieved them hard and it really effected my MH. However since having my children I've barely thought about it and I feel like having a baby healed that hurt.

I had 2 EPs both late diagnosed and lost both tubes. In both cases the babies were growing and had heartbeats - the first one was about 12 hours from rupture and I was 10 weeks when they found it - the little bugger was right at the top of the ovary end of the tube and whilst they knew I was pregnant they couldn't find him.

I was treated kindly but very medically as a surgical patient and the loss wasn't really acknowledged. My dh also struggled to see this as a 'baby' as it was never ever going to be.

It has left its mark - I remember both due dates and whilst I don't think about them often it's often in the context of the kids they could have been - boys in my head and the eldest would have been 17 this year!

I subsequently got pregnant via ivf and have twins so I have the family I always pictured. This has helped hugely but the scars remain - I was hideously anxious through pregnancy, suffered quite severe post natal ocd and continue a decade later to still suffer from a (mostly well controlled) anxiety disorder. I assume pregnancy is a time of worry not joy and when I'm stressed, my reoccurring bad dream is being told I will never be able to have babies.

I do tend to minimise this to everyone but dh but it changed me at a fairly fundamental level.

I miscarried my first child at 13 weeks. My pregnancy was unplanned but I was over the moon to be pregnant and had so many plans for the future. The whole thing was soul destroying. It happened slowly over 2 weeks, I was admitted to hospital because I was losing blood twice within a week, they kept me in one night each time and then released me saying that there was nothing to do for me. I was told to go home and let nature take its course. The third time I was admitted after 12 days of bleeding off and on they did a scan but sent me back to the ward without telling what was going on. A junior nurse was sent to tell me that my baby had died and that they were sending me in for a D&C. I was devastated. She was about my age and the only person who treated me with any kindness during that whole time. I will never forget her kind words. All the other staff at that time were cold, judgmental bastards.

I was young and unmarried at the time and was treated with scorn because of it. I had a well paid, full-time job and was engaged to my partner but I was never asked about that. I was treated as though I was going to be a drain on the welfare system. I wish I had the confidence then that I do now, I wouldn't let anyone treat me like that now. I'm glad attitudes seem to have moved on since then. There doesn't seem to be the same amount of disapproval here (in Ireland) for young mothers anymore which is a good thing.

Sorry, that was longer than I thought but very cathartic to get out, I never really spoke of the experience before!

I do still think about what might have been, my DC's know about their older sibling and we talk about them every now and then.

I had 3mc between Dec 2010 - Dec 2011 and then DD Jan 2012 followed by mc Dec 2012. I was 42 then and just couldn't face trying anymore for a second DC whilst looking after a baby. Emotionally and physically I needed a break from baby making.

For me the first mc was the worst. I was actually admitted to hospital and still think of this baby over 10 years later. I have never forgotten the utter sense of loss and disbelief. For the others I was more prepared although had I know that the last mc was my last chance at another baby I think I would have been more upset. At the time I thought I was postponing ttc but actually we never did again.

I had 4 in 2016 and 2017. One was a 12w MMC, the other three 6-7w MCs. I have a 17mo daughter who is the light of my life. I still think about my miscarriages with sadness, especially the MMC one as it was such a shock and much harder to accept and deal with than the other three. It took me long time to recover but I still know the date it happened, what the due date for that baby was... Having DD helped a bit, I must confess - at least it removed the fear that I will never have a child, but the loss itself is still there.

I had a miscarriage around 18 years ago. I am grateful i did because i was pregnant with a man who was abusive, and cheated on me left right and centre. If I'd had the baby i would have been a single mum within months of it being born. I was only 24, still living at home and my career was just taking off. My life would have been very different. I do still think very fondly of the baby that would have been and consider them in someway my baby still, but in a kind of abstract way. I read not long ago about the cells of a baby in some way being left in the mother and liked that idea, that somewhere in my body there is some reminder of that baby.