If you had a miscarriage 1/2/5/10/20+ years ago... (TW for the obvious reason)

[EssentialHummus]

If you had a miscarriage some time ago, how do you feel about it now? How often if at all do you think about the child you would have had, or the circumstances around your loss?

I suffered a loss last year, around the time that covid hit the UK. So we're now just over a year on. I'm pregnant again and touch wood this time things are progressing well, and tbh I feel very lucky as I'm expecting twins. But I still think about my loss quite a bit - sometimes with sadness, sometimes (especially lately) in a more pragmatic/constructive way, ie it led to my current circumstances. For fullness, my MC led to my marriage going into a tailspin that took a long time (and therapy) to resolve, and it destroyed a close friendship (because my friend was so foul and lacking in empathy about it all that I couldn't continue). But it also allowed me to build a stronger marriage, and to create and run a really interesting small charity that is going well and helping a lot of people.

I feel that my feelings are normal, if maybe a bit on the emotional side, especially as I know women who have had many losses and had to endure far worse. But I'm interested - if you've had a MC however long ago, how do you feel about it now?

(And no, it's not really AIBU, but I'm very much "the more this topic is talked about/out in the open, the better") - so here it is on the busiest bit of MN.

I've had 2. For me, they're just something that happens. I don't think of them as potential children I lost as they were never going to be. I didn't find them upsetting at the time. But mine were pre 12 weeks and I think it'd be different if they were later. I don't think about them now much at all. But I know my view isn't very common or popular, nor do I think everyone should think the same, it's very individual.

Two miscarriages around 20 years ago, one at 9 weeks, one at 12 weeks.. They were, at the time, the worst thing that had ever happened to me and for a long time I found myself randomly crying about them. But I never really thought about them as babies or children; I thought it likely that there was something seriously wrong and that they wouldn't have survived to full term anyway. I was massively helped by subsequently have two normal pregnancies resulting in healthy babies. Now I think they are just a sad thing that happened, but I feel less sad about them than I do about the death of my father, for instance.

I had a miscarriage 7 years ago and a termination 14 years ago. Both have names and birthdays which only I know. I think of them occasionally with a twinge of sadness and wonder what they would have been like now.

Time is a healer. I'm sorry for your loss, and those of others on this thread.

I had a lot of miscarriages ranging from 2016 - 2019. I now have DC.

To be totally honest, having DC helped dull my pain an awful lot. I was really struggling before they came along and I think the road to recovery would have been harder and much longer had I not had them when I did.

I still get upset and it's put me off every trying for another which makes me sad too but I refuse to go back to that place. It was very dark.

I do sometimes look at DC and find myself sad at the babies I lost and who they could possibly have been but in general I am much happier now.

I had two 15 years ago in quick succession when my DS was 6 and 9 months old. I don't think about it and at the time I just wanted to get on with trying again. I went on to have three more children and I don't talk about the miscarriages. A couple of times I have mentioned to others who don't know that I've been pregnant six times but it is not something I think about much to be honest. It doesn't mean that Im not sympathetic to those who have gone through it and grieve deeply for their lost babies but for me its not something I've held onto

I had a miscarriage when I was 14.

It was a blessing really, but at the time I was devastated. I can’t say I ever think about the child that could have been, especially as I went on to have my first before I was 18.

When I think about it, I feel sad for my 14 year old self to have gone through that more than anything.

I had a miscarriage age 19 (I'm now in my 30s), I don't think about it unless someone who knows about it asks about it and then I'm very much a "it was fate" response.

I have a DD now aged 6, who I'm grateful for.

About the little souls lost, I love them. It is just part and parcel of the sad parts of life and I function normally, so I guess I have acceptance and we have a happy wonderful family.

But I remember feeling very lonely and isolated with the losses. I have mentioned the lost babies to my OH over the years and he always seems taken aback. We have children but I tend to add the ones we have lost to the overall number. So we have two but I'll say we had five. I feel the need to mention them.

I found my miscarriage between DCs very hard at the time, but these days I only think about it now and again because it robbed us of time to have a third child before DH’s cancer diagnosis. We should be a family of five with two grown ups, not a family of three with one adult.

for everyone’s losses

I've had several miscarriages, mostly between my two (alive and well) children who are 9 years apart. One was at almost 20 weeks and that was by far the worst. Devastated doesn't cover it. Then compounded by several more earlier miscarriages. For a long time I was consumed by what had happened. I didn't think about "the child I would have had" because my brain just doesn't work like that. It was more a sense of total disappointment, failure and anger that it had happened to me.

I did eventually have my rainbow baby - she is 7 now and she saved me. I was a broken person for a few years and my marriage was hanging by a thread.

For a couple of years I thought about my lost babies a lot, but in a much more positive way because without them/ what had happened I wouldn't have had my youngest. My 20 week old baby has a grave and I used to visit a lot and say thank you to him for sending me my youngest.

It did fade after that, a lot and I don't think about those losses much at all. Mainly because I'm consumed with looking after the children I've got, but also because it was such a dark time in my life - the losses spanned over 4 years - it actually really does upset me to think back and that is not helpful for me. It's not so much thinking about the babies themselves but how deeply unhappy and broken I was. Is rather not remember now.

I had a miscarriage in 2014 - it was my 4th pregnancy and the previous 3 had gone well. We didn't try again - I was frightened of it happening again and still am tbh. I think about it but it doesn't dominate my life. I will always be a bit sad - it hits me occasionally that I came close to having a 4th dc but it didn't happen. It doesn't feel like there is someone missing around the table every time we sit at it, but it is a small sadness I will always carry with me.

I had one 7 years ago and have not been able to conceive since. Looking back I think it was one of the tipping point that led to my mental breakdown

I had several, the first 18 years ago and the last 8 years ago. Only the last one really still bothers me a little, it was late and messy and quite traumatic.
But I don't think of them as babies and I don't identify with the rainbow baby/candle lighting/calling them babies narrative at all.

The main longterm effect is that I am always amazed when someone gets pregnant and says I'm having a baby in X monh or whatever, and acts as if its a done deal. I suppose I see every pregnancy as only potentially meaning a baby and am surprised when people are so confident.

I had a miscarriage years ago, I didn't even know I was pregnant and never wanted children. I never give it a second thought, it was for me for the best.

I had an early miscarriage 4 years ago of a twin pregnancy which would have been dc 4 and 5. I still think about it especially as I haven't been able to get pregnant since. I do feel lucky to have my 3 children though.

I had a loss at 16 weeks 7 years ago, then went on to get pregnant and have my youngest daughter a year later.

I feel like it put a lot of pressure on my marriage and we did split up while i was pregnant with my daughter after.

I don't think about it that often now though apart from when people talk about baby loss/ miscarriage. I feel sad about it but so grateful to have my children.

I had a miscarriage last year. I found out on 20th May my baby had gone. I do wonder what that baby would've been like and sometimes I think it would be X months old now.

However I'm currently pregnant again and just waiting on baby making an appearance.

I think that I lost that one so that this one could be born and the fact that it could be born on the same day I found out about my loss is giving me something to celebrate rather than mourn my loss if that doesn't sound too harsh.

Sorry for your loss OP ❤️

I had one four years ago and I'm 100% fine with it - I've done my grieving and have moved on. I'm actually glad it happened. It absolutely broke me at the time but I now realise it was for the best for everyone involved including the potential baby, given the circumstances at the time. I was in a toxic on/off relationship with the father and we were terrible for each other. I'm glad a child was not brought into that situation. I don't really think about what the child would have been like. It does cross my mind occasionally but mostly I just feel terrified of how close I came to tying myself to that nutter.

I'm married to someone else now and have a nearly three year old DD 🙂 Actually it was the miscarriage that brought me closer to my now husband as we were already friends and he supported me.

11 years ago at 11 weeks. I was devastated at the time but luckily was pregnant again within the year and always think I wouldn’t have my wonderful DS if it hadn’t happened.
Rarely think about it anymore unless someone mentions miscarriage. Agree the more it’s talked about the better.

I had a miscarriage 5 years ago. For a while I was very upset about, I found the Christmas following the miscarriage (about four months later) quite difficult. The first year or two I would think about it often. But it was also wrapped up in a lot of other trauma that needed to be dealt with too.

Now, 5 years later I still think about it sometimes but the intense sadness isn’t there anymore really. Weirdly I find the times I think about it the most are when I’m hanging the washing out in the garden. I don’t know that I’m “over it”, because what does that even mean anyway?

I had an abortion, my choice, totally, then a MMC several years later.

Then I had my twins. I wouldn't have had them without the other things happening and I wouldn't change it for the world.

No regret, barely think about either, ever now.

In 1977 I had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. I had been bleeding and on bedrest for a week but ended up with an emergency D & C. We were really sad at the time but went on to have two healthy DC.

Being so long ago, I never had a scan. I never saw a little baby on a screen. It must be very easy to bond with a baby you can see, and so devastating to have an apparently healthy baby not survive. I think in pre scan days everything seemed much more of a gamble. It was not wise to announce ones pregnancy before 12 weeks "just in case". Home pregnancy tests were not commonly available - we just waited and hoped things would be OK.

Also, and I really hesitate to mention this, birth defects were rarely found prenatally. Abortion in any case was extremely restricted. In those days there was very much a feeling of "there must have been something wrong " and miscarriage was nature's way of dealing with this. If I had seen a healthy baby on an ultrasound I would not have accepted this.

OP in answer to your question, I seldom remember my miscarriage, but I feel so sad for friends and family when it happens to them.

I had one mc at 9 weeks, 15 years ago. First pregnancy. I've had 3 dc since.

I was devastated at the time. But if I'm totally honest, now...i don't really feel anything about it.

I can acknowledge that it was a sad event at the time but I don't really feel sad about it iyswim, or any other emotion really. It was just something that happened.

My kids are aged 18, 16 and 13 and I had 4 miscarriages before and between those pregnancies.

I don't think of the babies at all. I am no longer sad by them. For me they were devastrating at the time, but once I had my subsequent children, the loss faded.
In fact I could only tell you the due date of one of them, and that is because my neice is exactly the same age.

I think that having children helps enormously, although, like a previous poster, I felt all through my pregnancies that it was nit a certain thing, not a done deal, not 'safe' until the babies were actually born.

I've had 3 mc and 2 dc. I think about my losses most days. I think mostly about the heartache I felt rather than the potential children they might have been of that makes sense? I know I wouldn't have the dc I have now if the pregnancies had worked out and so in that sense it feels like they were meant to happen, but that doesn't take away the sadness I feel, and felt, when they happened. There is still definitely a lot of grief that I carry but on a positive note, my mc's do help me appreciate my dc more that I think I would have if I hadn't have them.