If you had a miscarriage 1/2/5/10/20+ years ago... (TW for the obvious reason)

[EssentialHummus]

If you had a miscarriage some time ago, how do you feel about it now? How often if at all do you think about the child you would have had, or the circumstances around your loss?

I suffered a loss last year, around the time that covid hit the UK. So we're now just over a year on. I'm pregnant again and touch wood this time things are progressing well, and tbh I feel very lucky as I'm expecting twins. But I still think about my loss quite a bit - sometimes with sadness, sometimes (especially lately) in a more pragmatic/constructive way, ie it led to my current circumstances. For fullness, my MC led to my marriage going into a tailspin that took a long time (and therapy) to resolve, and it destroyed a close friendship (because my friend was so foul and lacking in empathy about it all that I couldn't continue). But it also allowed me to build a stronger marriage, and to create and run a really interesting small charity that is going well and helping a lot of people.

I feel that my feelings are normal, if maybe a bit on the emotional side, especially as I know women who have had many losses and had to endure far worse. But I'm interested - if you've had a MC however long ago, how do you feel about it now?

(And no, it's not really AIBU, but I'm very much "the more this topic is talked about/out in the open, the better") - so here it is on the busiest bit of MN.

This is a very sad thread but also very comforting as I feel less alone when I read of the myriad reactions. It validates some of the feelings I have that I sometimes feel are stupid. It's almost like there is this invisible network of people out there and I'm part of it.

I lost twins at 19 weeks 18 months ago. I think about them multiple times per day and I don't think i will ever be truly happy again. Some things are too traumatic and painful to really get over.

@padsi1975

This is a very sad thread but also very comforting as I feel less alone when I read of the myriad reactions. It validates some of the feelings I have that I sometimes feel are stupid. It's almost like there is this invisible network of people out there and I'm part of it.

There is no right or wrong way to feel regarding pregnancy loss. And I'm sorry if anyone, on this thread or IRL, has ever made you or anyone else feel that way.

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks in 2009. I never managed to conceive again. I still think about them and what they might have been like and it makes me sad.
But, we adopted a little girl three years later and she is amazing! We wouldn't have her if we had had a successful pregnancy.
Support and empathy was non existent from my family. OH's family have been amazing throughout our whole journey.

I had three miscarriages. My first, 13 years ago, was a very traumatic experience and I was blue-lighted to hospital. Both physically and mentally it took a long time to recover. I then went on to have another two before going full term. I think about them often. I have a slight inner conflict in that, had my first pregnancy been successful I wouldn’t have my daughter who is just an absolute joy.

First miscarriage I was 16 years old. My then boyfriend was more upset about it than I was actually. Looking back I don't think i really understood the enormity of what was happening and in a way it was for the best that it didnt work out as i don't think i would have coped well. No family support (care leaver) and nothing in the way of financial security, I didnt even have a place to live.
I think I was mostly planning on going through with the pregnancy as I knew it was what my boyfriend and his family wanted, but not what I wanted. I even remember feeling somewhat relieved about it once the initial shock and upset (more upset for my boyfriend who was heartbroken) subsided.
That boyfriend had a family of his own about 5 years after all of that, is married and their daughter is now 12 years old. Hes very happy and makes a wonderful father and husband to the family he was supposed to have.

Second miscarriage was about 10 years ago. I didn't even know I was pregnant at the time but it came away during sex with my ex. It was a shock to see the 'sack' (that's all it really was, there was no fetus in there that I could see) and the realisation that I had been pregnant but I wasnt really upset about it as I didnt know I had been pregnant anyway.

I have a 6 year old dd now which puts things into perspective, I wasnt in the right place to be a parent back, theres no way I would have managed it or been anything like the parent I am today. So although sometimes I do think about what might have been, I'm not upset about it because it wasnt something I had been planning or had put my heart and soul into in the first place.

I miscarried between my first two babies, when my eldest was 2. At the time I was so devastated I was single minded in falling pregnant again. It's 20 years ago now and I fell pregnant again fairly quickly and had my DS, and have gone on to have more children all happy and healthy.

I remember the due date of my lost baby, and I'm extremely thankful to have only experienced that once.

I’ve had four miscarriages. The first one was six years ago and the most recent was last year.

I still think about them. Each one was different and difficult. I often think about the children that might have been, but it has got a bit easier over time.

My first was 18 years ago, I don't think about it much now. Sometimes I wonder what they would have been like. I had ten in the last 18 years, at the time they were horrible, but it's faded. I've got a two year old daughter now and I wouldn't have her if any of the others were here. It's strange to think about.

@pigsDOfly

I had a similar experience to queenMab99 when I had a still birth 43 years ago.

The baby was taken away from me as soon as it was born so I never saw him/her and never learned the baby's sex. The baby wasn't named and didn't have a funeral.

No one talked about it and it was almost dismissed as a non event by everyone both medical and family.

I went to my ILs a couple of weeks afterwards and it was as if it hadn't happened no one mentioned it and I was too overwhelmed to say anything; in fact there was another family member at ILs who asked me how long I had till the baby was due because no one had told her I'd lost the baby.

I don't think about it often but when I do the whole thing still makes me angry and sad.

I went on to lose another pregnancy at 4 months - what was then called a 'missed abortion' - I think it's called a less unpleasant term now, and then a miscarriage at 9 weeks.

I only had about three months between each pregnancy, which I think was a big mistake for me as I never had time to really grieve properly or come to terms with what happened.

I did however, go on to have three healthy babies but suffered quite severe pnd with the first one, something that I'm sure was the result of all that had happened.

It's good to see that so much has changed around miscarriage and particularly still birth, and that mothers now get to hold their babies, name them and give them a proper burial and are given the chance to say goodbye.

One of my miscarriages resulted in me having to have a D&C, this was last year.... The paperwork had 'missed abortion' so obviously still a medical term although not quite appropriate for a baby that was very much wanted :(

I lost four , two before I had my daughter and another two before I had my son. All were around the 12 week mark. These happened about 40 years ago. I was sad at the time, but I tended to think that they were just not meant to be. I don't think much about them now - if I'd had those two first babies I wouldn't have either of my dearly loved children now. I'm really fortunate to have my family and I don't dwell on past events.

It's so sad reading everyone's experiences. I miscarried one of my twins 11 years ago. We went for the 12 week scan assuming there would be one baby which we saw on the screen. The sonographer then focussed on something else which I immediately assumed was a tumour due to the size. DD's twin had died a week or 2 earlier.

It actually feels quite surreal as unlike most people on this thread, I was still pregnant and DD was born 6 months later. I also didn't have any medical effects to deal with as the foetus was absorbed into the placenta. I thought about DD's twin a lot in the first few years but probably only a couple of times a year now.

I had two, both 10/11 years ago after DC2 (I would have liked three, but stuck at two after the MCs).

I feel very ambivalent and pragmatic about them. It's just something that happened. The first it was incomplete and I ended up hemorrhaging and in hospital having an emergency d&c with no anaesthetic. The second was more straightforward. I was about 11 weeks with each.

I don't think about them now, don't feel any sadness or 'what ifs'.

I accept my reaction may not be entirely typical, but I don't think I'm alone or wrong in feeling like this. We all process things differently and there's no 'right' way, any feelings around potentially traumatic events are perfectly valid.

I had one 10 years ago. We were trying for a 3rd baby and went on to fall pregnant again a few months later.
I honestly don't think about it much. It was about 9 weeks maybe, I didn't need any medical treatment, I very much see it as "just one of those things" as my wise old gran says.
But then it was straight forward, I already had kids and I got pregnant again fairly soon afterwards. If any if those things had been different I might have reacted differently.
Maybe I'm quite cold-hearted, maybe I didn't think about it enough, I don't know.
The range of feelings on here is reassuring actually.

I lost my dc2 at just shy of 22 weeks not so long ago. It was a TFMR and it has broken me in ways I didn't know were possible. I also have PTSD from it.

I also had a chemical pregnancy shortly after which didn't really register, as soon as the lines weren't progressing I wanted it over and done with.

28 and 10 years ago. Still think about them, the grief for me changes more from the “what the children would be like” perspective as the years passed. Never had a live child. Second one in particular broke my heart, relationship foundered. Not so painful now but still get unexpected grief when hear of others going through it, some times holding babies. But it wasn’t to be.

I had a missed miscarriage 4 years ago. It was a very much wanted second baby. I was devastated for quite a long time, but what took longer for me was coming to terms with not getting pregnant again, as I'm 45 now, and it just hasn't happened. I still think about what might have been and still feel sad. I am grateful for having my DD7 though, and try to focus on the positives!

Honestly? After my miscarriage I got pregnant again 6 months later and then after I had DD I rarely gave it another thought. It doesn’t bother me or upset me now either. I don’t mean that callously either, it’s just genuinely how it affected me.

Well, it happened about 12 years ago now. At the time I cried and cried & cried until I couldn't cry any more. Then had to have a D&C because it didn't all clear out. I have had 2 kids since then. I used to think about it from time to time & sometimes get sad. But it has just become part of life now. I was lucky it was very early on. I think it would be different later in pregnancy. Sending love to all going through this or those feeling sad 🤍

I think about it occasionally but doesn't cause me the same sadness it did. I had 3 miscarriages 4-5 years ago (after my son). We decided after that to stop trying. Yes it pains me sometimes when my son asks for a brother or sister but it just wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that. Saying that, I have a child so my feelings would likely be very different if I didn't. Yay for your rainbow! 🌈.

I had 2 early losses fairly close together. They devastated me at the time because I was sure something was not quite right with me, and it turned out I was right (bicornuate uterus). For a while I thought I would never have a baby.
It’s been almost 3 years since then, and while I occasionally think of what might have been, I learned to accept it because if things hadn’t happened that way, I might not have the son I have now- and in that sense I wouldn’t change anything.

I had a miscarriage in October 2019 and to be honest it was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. It really tested my marriage as I felt very alone and I felt like a failure for a long time. The pregnancy was ectopic and I'm lucky I didn't have ever further complications. I felt so silly for being upset because it wasn't a viable pregnancy and it really made me depressed. I'm now pregnant with my third daughter and feel so lucky but I do feel guilty about being happy and looking forward to having this baby when I wasn't able to have the one I lost. It's little things for me, this is my third baby but forth pregnancy. I don't want to forget the baby that we couldn't meet. Also I'm due around a week before it would have been his/hers first bday. It's definitely got easier as time has past but some days I have a little cry when I think about it.

I only ever wanted one DC, so when I think about the (multiple) miscarriages I had I don't so much feel sadness for the loss as much as I do gratitude for DS.... in a way if I hadn't had those miscarriages I would let have him IYSWIM?

I know that's maybe an odd way to think if it but it helps me.

I had a miscarriage in October 2005, not sure how many weeks I was got a pregnancy test didn't show as positive at 5 weeks, but at nearly 7 weeks when it was nearly over which was when I found out, it showed positive. I dont think about it a huge amount, but I always remember the anniversary and its strange to think that I would have an almost 15 year old. Cause I bled for nearly three weeks, also wonder if it was a twin pregnancy and also if it was a girl, I have two boys aged nearly 14 and 11. I was anxious about my next pregnancy, took me 11 months to get pregnant again which was hard, but I had a strange quiet confidence. It came on the back of other bad luck which made it harder to cope with, but I dont feel that its the worst thing that has happened to me, mainly cause I went on to have two healthy DC and secondly unfortunately I suffered a few bereavements and other difficult family and work situations. If the subject comes up I am honest about it. My friend's daugher (this is my friend who died), was talking about wanting children a few years ago. She commented that she hoped she wouldn't have any miscarriages like Beyonce. I told her that it had happened to me, mainly cause I wanted to normalise it as something that happens to lots of women.

I had a Miscarriage in early 2019 and while it was upsetting and disappointing at the time, I hardly think about it not, it's not a touchy subject etc. If I hadn't have got pregnant afterwards I would feel differently but I think my sadness would be more about not conceiving rather than about having had a miscarriage. Mine was early though and I hadn't known for long. I'm pretty sure I'd be absolutely gutted for a long time if I found out at the 12 week scan or later.