If you had a miscarriage 1/2/5/10/20+ years ago... (TW for the obvious reason)

[EssentialHummus]

If you had a miscarriage some time ago, how do you feel about it now? How often if at all do you think about the child you would have had, or the circumstances around your loss?

I suffered a loss last year, around the time that covid hit the UK. So we're now just over a year on. I'm pregnant again and touch wood this time things are progressing well, and tbh I feel very lucky as I'm expecting twins. But I still think about my loss quite a bit - sometimes with sadness, sometimes (especially lately) in a more pragmatic/constructive way, ie it led to my current circumstances. For fullness, my MC led to my marriage going into a tailspin that took a long time (and therapy) to resolve, and it destroyed a close friendship (because my friend was so foul and lacking in empathy about it all that I couldn't continue). But it also allowed me to build a stronger marriage, and to create and run a really interesting small charity that is going well and helping a lot of people.

I feel that my feelings are normal, if maybe a bit on the emotional side, especially as I know women who have had many losses and had to endure far worse. But I'm interested - if you've had a MC however long ago, how do you feel about it now?

(And no, it's not really AIBU, but I'm very much "the more this topic is talked about/out in the open, the better") - so here it is on the busiest bit of MN.

I have had 4. A couple I was devastated by, thought about for years, etc etc. The most recent one - which would have been a wanted sibling for our much-loved first child, with just the age gap we envisaged, etc etc - not so much. It's strange I can see it as 'one of those things', although I was upset at the time, and yet a lost pregnancy at a far less appropriate time of my life has really stuck with me.

Maybe it helps that I have one child, and while I'd love more I don't yearn for them in the way I did before I became a mother. I know that parenting can confound your expectations in so many ways, and that things might not go the way you imagined but still be wonderful. My heart is full and my life is busy, I don't need the specific fulfilment of a child the way I did before I had my first. I'm just speaking for myself here, I know others long for a full brood, or want a sibling for their only. And that's ok too. Completeness is going to be different for everyone.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP

Mine was 20 years ago, I don’t tend to think of it too often these days, mostly when her birthday would have been. She’d have been 20 this coming October and I go and light a candle for her every year on her birthday. I sometimes think I’m the only one that remembers her anyway, DH never talks about it, I think maybe it’s too painful for him.

But if I hadn’t have lost that pregnancy then I wouldn’t have DD and she’s just lovely. So it all turned out ok.

Mine was long ago. A coil pregnancy and I bled on and off so didn't realise I was pregnant. I had a mc at around 16 weeks. It was horrible with labour pains and my milk came in. She would have been 40 now. I still feel a gap in my family and that I should have four children, not three. My rainbow baby didn't take away that feeling of loss. Having been hands on with my GC has helped, but not completely.

I had my first at 16 in 1995. It was very late, so late that to call it a miscarriage feels wrong but medically that’s what it was, it was traumatic and wrapped up in a terrible violent relationship. It gave me the strength to leave him but I’ll always feel guilty I didn’t leave sooner as my child paid the price. He was a boy and I think of him often.

I also had 5 between 8-12 weeks between 2002-2007. I feel sad about those but not in the same way.

I had a mmc 11 years ago, at the time it very traumatic, but things happen for a reason. Few months later I was pregnant with my now nearly 10 year old son.

Thank you to everyone who replied - I’ve been reading the thread quietly to myself through the morning.

It sounds a bit odd to write, but I’m heartened by the range of responses - for some people miscarriage was (and sometimes remains) a raw, devastating thing; for others it “wasn’t meant to be” or time has dulled your feelings. That seems very normal, somehow, that breadth of response. Whether or not a successful pregnancy followed later seems (understandably) to make a big difference.

I suppose for me the sadness now is becoming a sliding doors sort of sadness, wondering what life would’ve been like and knowing I’ll never be able to know. I’m not sure I think about a lost child/person as such, but he (assumption in itself) had a name - my older DD sussed early on that I was pregnant, and gave the baby the name of someone she liked to talk about - so I think about this named baby who I won’t have. (Which isn’t our thing normally - DD wasn’t named until the Registry Office door, and these two, if things progress ok, are heading the same way.) I’ve memorialised the loss in a way that makes sense to me, with a piece of jewellery that I wear.

I also suspect that there may be women reading who want to post / have something to say but would find it too painful to do so, and that kind of silence speaks volumes.

to everyone who is still feeling their losses acutely.

16 years ago, and I still think about it, but not with the same hugely negative/sad feelings I had before - in fact, I feel sort of neutral about it now really.

I was 17 at the time it happened, so wasn't really emotionally equipped to deal with it at all, so it certainly had a big effect on me for a long time.

Giving birth (twice) to healthy children totally changed things. I had my first at 26 and my second at 29. I'm now 33 and most definitely at peace with what happened.

I had three all at 7-8 weeks CNN in 2005, 2006, 2007, in between my two DC. I got on with them at the time, got through them ok, had very little time off work. And then on second day in hospital after DC2 was born I cried my eyes out about them on a sympathetic midwife. Years later I can’t remember any of the exact due dates only the rough months. Years later I asked about the sex of the third as I knew it would be in my notes as I was under the mc clinic then. I don’t really know why, I just wanted to know. Do I think about them now? Hardly ever. I count myself very lucky to have my DC but I’m always willing to talk about mc to anyone who asks for support. I think early pregnancy testing has possibly had a negative consequence. Women find out very early, probably don’t consider mc, tell people, and then have a mc, which is actually very common, and they are devastated. I think we need to get the word out there how common they are. Perhaps 3 is not, but even at 40 with poor ovarian function I managed to have a successful pregnancy after them.
MIL told me that in the 60s you didn’t go to the Drs until you were 2 or 3 months and some early mcs were probably not recognised as such.

I had three consecutive miscarriages 40 years ago. I was described on my medical records as a 'habitual aborter'. That description still hurts even now. (And I really hope this term is no longer in use). But I was later blessed with 2 DC, so not all sad.... I do think about these miscarriages, but as a part of my life, and not the whole of my life. I think back to it being a time of sadness, but life goes on.....

OP - I'm sorry for your loss

I had a miscarriage (8 weeks) nine years ago. We'd been trying for our first for about a year. It was awful at the time, excruciatingly painful and I felt really alone because nobody talks about it.
I had my first DC 11 months later though, which helped enormously. I still think about what might have been, very occasionally.

I had a mmc in 2015, 2018 and 2020. I think about how my family should look (especially post the 2018 and 2020 mcs as I have had no children since those) and it's like an ache that just won't go away. For me it feels like a permanent sorrow that I walk around with and that no one can see. I have considered having therapy to try to move on as I don't want to feel like this forever, I want to be very happy with the three lovely children I do have. There is just always this voice whispering 'there should have been more'.

22 years ago I had twins prematurely who both died, then 20 years ago I had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy. I never got pregnant again though we did become a family through adoption.
That time was a terrible time. Everyone around me, family and friends, were having babies. I was so distraught and angry. Especially a friend who got his very casual girlfriend pregnant around the same time.

I do think of the twins as they both born alive. I wonder what they would be like. I don't think of the others as much. You don't forget.

Like others I cannot believe how some people are so confident that everything is going to be ok when they get pregnant.

I had a termination against my will at 18. I was very sick with HG and in no fit state to stop what happened to me. That saddled with a sadness and a longing that didn’t really heal until years later when I finally had my first child.

I had 3 children after that termination and have always felt very lucky to have them.

In February this year I lost my son at 18 weeks. It was traumatic in ways I can’t even explain and I think of him almost constantly. I accept that in time I won’t think of it/him as much as I do now, but I will always remember my son.

I’m currently pregnant with twins and I’m possibly miscarrying them as I type. It’s early and I will be incredibly sad to lose them and I will mourn their loss, but it won’t be the same as losing my son, there will always be a hole in heart for him.

I had a miscarriage two years ago and fell pregnant again very quickly - I do think about it occasionally but it wasn't a viable pregnancy so I don't feel too much loss.

I do feel an incredible sense of guilt/remorse/regret about the abortion I had about 10 years ago however, which I don't think I will ever forgive myself for. I didn't understand the full implications of what I was doing and the long term effect it would have on me at the time - and IMHO it was "too easy". It was also done (at a professional centre) with no sedative or local anaesthetic, so I can remember it in terrible detail. Thinking about the fact I can never take it back makes me feel dizzy/sick to this day.

Mine were 14, 13, 12 and 6 years ago. I don’t think of the them constantly, but they are part of who I am now. The person who they could have been is sometimes in my thoughts, especially as my other children grow and become more mature people.

Mine was back in 1994. I don’t think about it much because I believe with absolute certainty that my DC1 is the reincarnation of the baby I lost. Hard to explain, but before I missed my period, I just knew I was pregnant again and there was this little voice saying “it’s me, I’m back”.

Op - I will say that time really does help. I lost two babies between my sons. The first mc hurt terribly, the next one not so much despite losing that baby around the due date of my first miscarried baby. For my second mc I don't even remember the due date - I didn't get attached.

I now have a 3 month old baby who was born a year after when my first mc baby was due. At that point I did think a lot about that lost baby.

But now I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old- all my energy goes onto them and there isn't much room left for anything else plus they bring so much joy too.

This thread has reminded me why I get so annoyed that it is hard to talk about mc in real life and yet so many of us have been through this. I have great friends who have never had a mc and they are useless and never talk about it.

Good luck with your twins!

I had a miscarriage at around 8w, around 12 years ago.
It was confusing (I didn't know I was pregnant, I had just come off the pill to ttc, and had been bleeding on and off for weeks, not knowing I was pregnant) and upsetting at the time. We were fortunate enough to have two kids with no further losses. I probably felt sad about the mc until I got pregnant with dd.
Quite honestly I don't feel anything about it now and barely think about it. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for feeling differently to me. Everybody's different I guess.

I had 4 miscarriages all just before 12 weeks & it hurts, even over 5 years later.

I can still picture & feel my husband's grief with 'the last one', as we knew we couldn't put ourselves through it again. My in-laws behaviour towards me was horrific for not giving him a child, so that doesn't help the pain. I'm now no-contact.

I think healing is often helped by life circumstances & whether you already have children or go on to have them. Not always obviously. Everyone is different, as we can see here & all feelings are valid.

Unfortunately, I became medically disabled after I had a virus while pregnant. Not being able to return to my old life & 'keep busy' to deal with the grief has been extremely challenging. A double whammy.

So sorry to everyone who has experience with miscarriage & stillbirth & still feels the grief. It can be utterly miserable

I had a miscarriage between my two boys, about 7 years ago. I don't really think about it too much now. It was incredibly traumatic at the time, but I wouldn't change my youngest for anything.

I had a loss at 12 weeks, 13 years ago next week actually. I still think about that baby often. But in all honesty, it was for the best. I was 20, in a relationship that had run its course and I needed to move 200 miles due to family problems. He would have moved with but it wouldn't have worked. We would now be Sharing custody with a 200mile gap. I know some people make that work but it's hard.

But yes, the baby is still in my thoughts. Probably daily.

I had a loss at 32 weeks 17 years ago and ds was born 18 months later. Ds was a twin and I lost his twin at 8 weeks. I think about my first loss most days but not with the sadness I felt in the first few years. He remains part of our family and is forever in our hearts. I light a candle on his birthday and we have a cake. Ds has a learning disability so doesn't understand anything about this. I occasionally think about the twin I lost but it is not something I have ever been upset about. At the time I was relieved that we didn’t lose ds as well.

I had eight, plus three failed IVF rounds and a discharge of no further help available.

I now have two DD, both within two years.

How do I feel?
Difficult to answer that. It's always in my mind. Angry sometimes, furious sometimes, sad, bitter, resentful, sick.
I feel like my pregnancies which carried to full term were destroyed and I have had no option of enjoying or cherishing special moments. I was crippled with anxiety following first baby arrival. I genuinely thought I would leave hospital without her. I never believed it would really happen.

I wonder why me? Why is it so easy for some people and yet the hardest thing in the world for others. I've had counselling, I adore my children and I count my blessings every moment of every day but I don't think I will ever fully recover.

12, 9 and 6 years ago.
For me the weight of the loss doesn't change you just get used to holding it - so you don't notice it day to day.
Those early days, the first few years, that raw grief. I remember that but I don't "feel" it. The physical reaction has gone.
I picked a day and it goes in the calendar as kind of an official memory /grief day for me to consciously think . But it pops up as and when through the year.

Interesting reading range of replies.
I had two early miscarriage (9/10 weeks) few months before pregnancies of second and third children.
First one didn't take much notice second I cried for a day then moved on, think found bit harder as had been to Dr told some people about pregnancy.
On occasion I remember the time but never consider 'what if' I had not had miscarriage.