If you had a miscarriage 1/2/5/10/20+ years ago... (TW for the obvious reason)

[EssentialHummus]

If you had a miscarriage some time ago, how do you feel about it now? How often if at all do you think about the child you would have had, or the circumstances around your loss?

I suffered a loss last year, around the time that covid hit the UK. So we're now just over a year on. I'm pregnant again and touch wood this time things are progressing well, and tbh I feel very lucky as I'm expecting twins. But I still think about my loss quite a bit - sometimes with sadness, sometimes (especially lately) in a more pragmatic/constructive way, ie it led to my current circumstances. For fullness, my MC led to my marriage going into a tailspin that took a long time (and therapy) to resolve, and it destroyed a close friendship (because my friend was so foul and lacking in empathy about it all that I couldn't continue). But it also allowed me to build a stronger marriage, and to create and run a really interesting small charity that is going well and helping a lot of people.

I feel that my feelings are normal, if maybe a bit on the emotional side, especially as I know women who have had many losses and had to endure far worse. But I'm interested - if you've had a MC however long ago, how do you feel about it now?

(And no, it's not really AIBU, but I'm very much "the more this topic is talked about/out in the open, the better") - so here it is on the busiest bit of MN.

17 and 14 years ago. My children are 16 and 14. I planted 2 rose bushes in my garden for my lost ones. I think and wonder about them sometimes but not with distress or sadness now. As it is for many, it was part of the process of getting our much wanted babies.

I have had 3 missed miscarriages and so ended up having 3 ERPCs - all were following ivf - 1 single baby and 2 sets of twins - these were all many years ago now

I do think about it now and again - it's part of my life and influenced what we then chose to do - it definitely bought myself & DH closer

By influenced I mean we then went no further with ivf despite getting it to work very well for us but then going wrong and after some time to heal went on to adopt our DS . Despite the challenges he has bought I wouldn't swap him for anything - I adore him and love him so very much - I cannot imagine loving a child as much as I love him . My journey bought me to him and whilst I'm far from the perfect Mum I try my best and hope when he looks back at his life in many years to come he will be glad I was part of his life

I was very emotional about my loss even when through my next pregnancy. Now I feel the time has passed and I have another child I can speak about it without getting teary. I just remember how hard it is at the time because you see people and they say how are you ? And you pause and say ok, or I'm a bit run down or lie that you have a cold, but how do you say well I'm loosing my pregnancy as we speak. It was hard as I had to carry on as I hate another child at home to care for. I bleed for 2 weeks then had to have a D&C, because It wasn't stopping and I was having gushes. I felt very physically drained and emotionally. Especially as my parents seemed to think it happens one day and it's over. I literally took 3 weeks to be ok, they didn't seem to care.

For me it's the loss of the hope & dream of the child to be. I understand it wasn't to be and if you are lucky to go on to have another child you feel it's destiny because you can't imagine your life any different.

For me I couldn't burden people with my grief at the time and I didn't want to talk about it. Not many people know it even happened. It's not a taboo to me, it was too painful to say. I would of just cried and cried and never stopped.

I have a friend who has a still birth and, I can't even imagine what she went through.

I had 2 MC, both in the early weeks. I had my daughter in between them. Really hard to deal with at the time. Didn’t try for another child after the second MC. Think it traumatised my husband more then me. I’ve accepted them; very occasionally have a little think about them but still get upset when people ask why I had only one child.

I had 4 MC, 2 were MMC which lead to d&c's. The first was 20 years ago. Others were 18, 13 and 8 years ago.

After 3rd MC, I became pregnant with DC1. I now have 4DC (two were born after 4th MC).

I found it incredibly hard to deal with, and the last one really really affected me. My MH suffered enormously.

Luckily, I have the family I always dreamed off now but I still do think what if, from time to time.

The other lasting impact was that I was unable to relax and enjoy a pregnancy. It was always so stressful and anxiety filled for me.

I had a mc in 2009 and a tfmr in 2011.
I had a healthy son in 2012.
I rarely think about my losses, never think about what the baby would have been like or anything.
My mc was on bonfire night so I do remember then. A couple of friends were pg at the same time as me and I do sometimes remember when I look at those children.
DS healed me and I’m fine about it now.

I had 4 between 2018-2019. I rarely think about the first 3. The 4th was a bit more traumatic - slightly further on (10 weeks) so I'd seen baby on a scan, I needed an ERPC and they did testing which showed up a condition and I discovered he was a boy. I think about him now but not really with sadness. I have the scan photos still and a little trinket a friend bought me to remember him by and sometimes I get them out and look at them and have a little think.

Mine was early and I never thought of it as a baby. It was just a bunch of cells that didn't know what they were doing. I cried the day it happened but never after that, and I don't think of it unless reminded.

I think early miscarriage is more about losing the baby you were imagining than an actual baby. Which is why I think late miscarriages must be so much harder to bear - because by then there is in fact a baby.
(I don't mean to invalidate the feelings of people who do think of their early miscarriage as a baby. I'm just describing how I personally feel about it).

There's no right or wrong way to feel. I had a miscarriage around 20 years ago. Started bleeding at 9 weeks and scan showed no heartbeat. I was upset but dealt with it ok. I think something hadn't felt right from the beginning if I'm honest.

Conceived again about 6 months later and was anxious after the last one, but reassured by the usual pregnancy symtoms and feeling pregnant. Went for scan at 13 weeks and was told sorry no heartbeat. This time I was deveststed and fell into a deep depression which took a long time to come out of. I did go on and have DC2 snd I wouldn't have him if I hadn't had the miscarriages.

Now I just view it as something that happened to me but I still remember the pain I felt and I can definitely empathise with others going through pregnancy loss

I had a loss 7 years ago (ectopic not miscarriage) and I rarely think about it. If I do then I don't feel sadness as such, especially as DS1 was conceived 3 months later so I wouldn't have him if that pregnancy had been viable. I know it is very different for later losses though. I also have a friend who had a similarly early loss and is still really affected by it so I know different people react in different ways.

I had six miscarriages between 2004 and 2013, interspersed with the births of two of my three children (my third born thereafter).

I found them very, very hard at the time, obviously. I still know all the approximae due dates. But by and large, now they are simply sad memories, parts of the story of my life. I am under no illusions whatsoever, though, that I wouldn't be feeling very differently if they hadn't eventually been followed by live births.

I had a miscarriage twenty years ago. It was at around 14 weeks and I felt treated with coldness by medical staff. It was unplanned and I had not wanted another child as I was late thirties. I sometimes think about it and my dh says he felt sad and disappointed. I went back to work a week later and no-one mentioned it to me. The day it happened one of my colleagues mentioned that I looked grey and ill.

Only a year later my very young dd got pregnant and had a baby boy. It would have meant two babies just over a year apart in the house. Grandmother to one and mum to another. In any event, I ended up bringing up my grandson and his brother so it was very full on for us. Perhaps this is why I don't think about it too much.

I had IVF for both of my children, I was expecting twins the first time, 13 years ago and heard their heartbeats and have scans. I lost one twin at 8 weeks. The same with my second pregnancy 8 years ago but at around 6 weeks. I think about frequently and wonder what they would love and what they would look like. Both of my children are from the original batch of eggs so twins (kind of), they look alike so imagine my other children would too.

I lost babies at 19, 24 and 29 weeks. I planted a rose Bush for each and have their non-Christening cups. I visited a garden planted by SANDS for about five years on the anniversary of the 29 week baby - not in a big memorial type way, but as part of a family day out (it was in Botanical gardens with play area and cafe).

Occasionally I’ll think about them when the children have reached certain milestones and wondered what might have been. It’s a passing thought and not a sadness though life is as is, not as might have been.
Mainly I tell myself that if they had gone to term, I’d not have our beautiful youngest. I also tell myself there was a good reason they didn’t get to term and it was probably for the best.

I think I probably had a few earlier miscarriages too (under twelve weeks) but don’t really think about those at all. It’s just what happens.

I had an early one at 7weeks in 2012, first pregnancy. I was sad at the time, but I was pregnant again within a couple of months. I never really think about it now, and I'm not sad when I do either. I can't remember the due date, but I remember the miscarriage was early May, because I ate my birthday chocolate early to cheer myself up. I do remember that it was really painful, physicially. I cried, and was sad for a couple of weeks. That's more or less in line with how I generally deal with death and loss, including of close friends and family. The difference is, when friends and family die, I'll think of them only really when something triggers a memory. I tend to get on with life relatively quickly after the initial grieving period. Which is just as well, because I'd have been in permanent mourning the last three years, there's been so many untimely deaths in my friend/family circle. For the miscarriage though, there's nothing to think of, there are no memories because the pregnancy ended too early for it to be properly part of my life, so I only really remember when someone mentions miscarriage.
I credit my parents with teaching me to cope with grief and preparing me for unpleasant things in life. We acknowledge it, then get on with things.
Not everyone is like that, and you can't control your own response. You feel how you feel.

I had a late miscarriage 20yrs ago, I was very young at the time and although it was a physically horrible experience and distressing at the time, I feel nothing but relief it happened tbh.

I had a miscarriage and chemical pregnancy more recently whilst trying for my children. I was sad at the time as ttc but now have a healthy DS (3) and DD (14wks) and never think about the losses, I don't have any feelings about them at all. Miscarriages are so very common, I just view it as one of those things.

I had a miscarriage last Easter weekend. It was very early so I didn't think about it as a baby yet so it wasn't a grief for a baby per se but I'm still trying and no further pregnancies so I'm worried that that was my only chance and it won't happen.

I had a series of strange experiences afterwards, almost euphoric and I think I am someone who is very sensitive to hormonal changes but I was acting pretty strangely and erratically and then I possibly caught Covid last May. It's been a hell of a year to be honest.

@bitheby

I had a miscarriage last Easter weekend. It was very early so I didn't think about it as a baby yet so it wasn't a grief for a baby per se but I'm still trying and no further pregnancies so I'm worried that that was my only chance and it won't happen.

I had a series of strange experiences afterwards, almost euphoric and I think I am someone who is very sensitive to hormonal changes but I was acting pretty strangely and erratically and then I possibly caught Covid last May. It's been a hell of a year to be honest.

As in Easter 2020 right at the beginning of the first lockdown.

11 years in July since my MMC. I found it really difficult at the time but fell pregnant with my eldest 3 months later so if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have her.

I think I only really fully accepted it and was able to move on once I had DD to be honest. 11 years on though I don't really think about it apart from on the date and when I see FB flooded with candles.

2010 for me, I was 20. I didn't want a baby, it was a complete accident (I was on the pill) and miscarried before I could get an abortion. The guilt of that ate me up for a long time. In the back of my mind I thought that maybe I wouldn't go through with the abortion - but I never got the chance to make that decision for myself.

It got easier over time.

Admittedly it wasn't the same situation as most on here, but even so I do sometimes think 'oh my god s/he would be in year 6 now' and things like that. It doesn't make me feel sad as such, more in a 'wow my life would have been so different' kind of way.

I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was a surprise pregnancy after 6 years of trying to conceive including many faile iui & ivf attempts. It was a cruel blow by nature just when we'd resigned ourselves that it wasn t going to happen- bam - there it was, a pregnancy. Of course it brought all the hope & longing to the fore again & for a few weeks we were so so happy.
Until that dreadful 12 week scan. Horrific traumatic day I'll never forget.
And it took 3 long weeks from the no heartbeat scan to actually miscarry. Which I did alone, at home at 5am after a night I'll also never forget. I will take those memories to my grave

We're extraordinarily lucky that we had 1 dc already. I never had another child.
I think about that baby still. It was all the time in the early days but now several year later it's less but always around the date of the loss & my due date.
Given how many of us experience it, it's still a surprisingly under talked about area.
I also think it very much depends on all sorts of circumstances how much it will have a profound or lasting affect on people

I thought I was infertile because of PCOS (PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome) so my first miscarriage was devastating. My eldest child was conceived the month after that babies due date.
Some people might not understand but I feel that I will see that soul in heaven, so I don't imagine life with them here. But I do have a little box with my medical paperwork and a Teddy and things in it.
I have since had a couple of early losses but the first miscarriage was like a labour, I was completely unprepared for the pain etc and it took me a long time to recover mentally. I had no support.
I have actually had to write about the miscarriage this week as part of a family court case, its 12 years ago now but it is still upsetting to think about.

I had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks four years ago. Had ERPC, was my first pregnancy, ttc for a while. I was emotionally fairly ok about it, but physically I bled for quite a while afterwards, was very drained and exhausted which went on for months and felt like I was unprepared for what it would take out of my physically. Conceived my daughter after the due date for that pregnancy, which felt like a long wait, currently pregnant with no 2.

I don't often think about it: if there's a reference to miscarriage I do. I'm very happy to talk about it openly. But I think about the miscarriage, not really the baby that would be. There's a child who is a friend of friends, in our childcare, born on what would have been my due date, occasionally when I see her I think about having a child that age but there's only 9 months gap and I love my child and couldn't have had both. For me, I very much don't think of that early loss as a person: I think it was a potential baby that probably had something wrong that meant it wasn't to be. Its funny because when I think of friends who had even slightly later losses I conceptualise that very differently. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to have dealt with a late loss, but I emotionally recovered very quickly from my early one.

I still feel the physical effects of miscarriage aren't talked about enough. Women's healthcare makes me angry, and it was only when I started TTC I was really exposed to all the many ways in which we're failed - through fertility journeys, miscarriage, pregnancy, birth injuries, etc etc. So many stories of women I now know who have been let down by the system.

I had a series of miscarriages five years ago.

The last one was the worst for me physically and mentally as it was a MMC. And we were thinking I was still pregnant before the scan.

I do think about my lost babies often and altho my losses were before twelve weeks and the MMC discovered at ten weeks baby had died at eight weeks, I know some people think that’s just me being stupid for mourning. But those babies were my much loved, longed for babies.

This next is very unMN. I’m very religious and I hope one day I will meet those babies and hold them in my arms, just because I never met them in this lifetime it doesn’t mean I don’t ache to hold and cuddle them and tell them how much I love them.

It took me a very long time to function normally after my last MMC and I was so scared to TTC afterwards, as I was pretty sure my heart would not be able to take any further losses.

For me personally I’ve found over time I can cope with the memory of my lost babies but the pain of their loss will always be firmly in my heart.

I've had 3 MC, all around 6 weeks so very early - 1st, 2nd and 4th pregnancies. I do occasionally think about those times with sadness, but I don't think about the children those babies would have grown up to become.... I wouldn't have my amazing DC (13 and 8) had they been born.
I do sometimes think about the way I was treated by healthcare professionals, and the general lack of care and understanding. I wish I had been strong enough at the time to complain.