If you had a miscarriage 1/2/5/10/20+ years ago... (TW for the obvious reason)

[EssentialHummus]

If you had a miscarriage some time ago, how do you feel about it now? How often if at all do you think about the child you would have had, or the circumstances around your loss?

I suffered a loss last year, around the time that covid hit the UK. So we're now just over a year on. I'm pregnant again and touch wood this time things are progressing well, and tbh I feel very lucky as I'm expecting twins. But I still think about my loss quite a bit - sometimes with sadness, sometimes (especially lately) in a more pragmatic/constructive way, ie it led to my current circumstances. For fullness, my MC led to my marriage going into a tailspin that took a long time (and therapy) to resolve, and it destroyed a close friendship (because my friend was so foul and lacking in empathy about it all that I couldn't continue). But it also allowed me to build a stronger marriage, and to create and run a really interesting small charity that is going well and helping a lot of people.

I feel that my feelings are normal, if maybe a bit on the emotional side, especially as I know women who have had many losses and had to endure far worse. But I'm interested - if you've had a MC however long ago, how do you feel about it now?

(And no, it's not really AIBU, but I'm very much "the more this topic is talked about/out in the open, the better") - so here it is on the busiest bit of MN.

16 years ago I had 2 early miscarriages, the latter of which was physically traumatic and resulted in a hospital stay. Then a MMC at 12 weeks which was devastating. These were in quick succession and by far the worst time of my life. There was no counselling and only a few people who I knew had been through similar that really understood. I went on to have 3 healthy DC, it wasn't until DC2 that I felt in any way 'healed' emotionally. I suppose like any grief, you carry it with you always. I remember how I felt back then and what would have been their birthdays but have not felt sad for many years. I'm grateful that I have my 3 but the experience of 3 MC left a mark and I've never been quite the same person since. I can talk freely though and have supported friends and acquaintances who have been experiencing MC, it's good to be able to offer hope.

I kept my pregnancy tests with my daughter but after the miscarriage I got rid of all the ones I had taken then. I also got her a "going to be a big sister 2020" t-shirt that my dh has hidden for me. I think I wanted it erased. However when I got it confirmed at the hospital they gave me a scan pic of my wee blob. I haven't been able to look at it since but I know it's there.

I don’t think about it often - and whilst it was pretty awful at the time, I actually felt quite accepting - I knew the statistics, the pregnancy felt different to my first, and I was suspicious for the whole 12 weeks - I wasn’t very sick for example. I had told close friends about the pregnancy which was great as I need them for support. DH was perhaps more affected at the time, but we look back on it and it made us closer I think

My 1st 4 were all late term miscarriages. They were all boys. I sometimes wonder about the men they would be now ( They would be aged between 36 and 31 had they lived). Due to their deformities I never saw them, but I have a picture in my head of 4 handsome lads. Baby number 5 was a perfectly healthy girl.

I wish medical staff had better training on what not to say to a woman who is experiencing a miscarriage. I was told my baby was 'just a few cells' when I knew that was not true as they had had a heartbeat. I don't know why I was treated so differently to how I was treated at my scan two days before.

I had 3 early miscarriages and put them down to what happens sometimes. All prior to 12 weeks - one just and it seemed easier than assuming it was a lost baby since at under 12 weeks it was still unable to survive as a baby and many women years ago wouldn't have know they were even pregnant up to 12 weeks so I took that view. Easier to do that when early in the pregnancies and appreciated that not everyone can take that view.

It must be heart breaking later in the pregnancy when you have carried for a long time

I wish medical staff had better training on what not to say to a woman who is experiencing a miscarriage.

I think it's very much down to the individual health care worker you get, some seem to have had a compassion bypass. And compassion training is really limited in health care, which is ridiculous.

However I'm very grateful that those treating me were really matter of fact about it. I didn't want compassion, kind words, softness. I wanted medical care and matter-of-fact mess. But I know I'm a n the minority and it's the majority that should be catered to.

@Bouncebacker

I don’t think about it often - and whilst it was pretty awful at the time, I actually felt quite accepting - I knew the statistics, the pregnancy felt different to my first, and I was suspicious for the whole 12 weeks - I wasn’t very sick for example. I had told close friends about the pregnancy which was great as I need them for support. DH was perhaps more affected at the time, but we look back on it and it made us closer I think

I was similar to this - accepting and I think that makes it easier because sadly some never develop due to defects/mutations in cells etc and will never survive. I think the black and white thinking helped me.

However I'm very grateful that those treating me were really matter of fact about it. I didn't want compassion, kind words, softness. I wanted medical care and matter-of-fact mess.
I'm actually the same, I prefer the facts, there was no need to say something so completely untrue though.

@Marty13

Mine was early and I never thought of it as a baby. It was just a bunch of cells that didn't know what they were doing. I cried the day it happened but never after that, and I don't think of it unless reminded.

I think early miscarriage is more about losing the baby you were imagining than an actual baby. Which is why I think late miscarriages must be so much harder to bear - because by then there is in fact a baby.
(I don't mean to invalidate the feelings of people who do think of their early miscarriage as a baby. I'm just describing how I personally feel about it).

I am glad it isn't me only. I have been told I am 'odd' or cold for not getting really emotional about it (different times and cultures have also different views on this some don't consider early loss a baby and it many years gone past it was so common and often not realised anyway) - we are all different and what works for one doesn't for another and also don't wish to invalidate others when the say even a couple of weeks is a loss of a baby but to me it wasn't.

@NoMLMbot @NoMLMbots
I agree with you both. I feel that there is a huge world of difference between a developed foetus where you often have to actually give birth, etc. let alone a stillbirth, compared to a first trimester miscarriage which is really far more about your own hopes and imaginings.

@Allthereindeersaregirls

However I'm very grateful that those treating me were really matter of fact about it. I didn't want compassion, kind words, softness. I wanted medical care and matter-of-fact mess. But I know I'm a n the minority and it's the majority that should be catered to.

I felt the same way as you and I don't think that the many women who feel this way should be dismissed or have to deal with unwanted sentimentality, any more than those who feel differently should have to deal with what they perceive as coldness or lack of care.

Ideally everyone should be treated the way that works for them, with the most important thing being that women receive the medical care and attention we need.

I've had 3 mc between my two living children and they all happened within a 10 month time frame.
I think about my babies daily even though my last miscarriage was Sept 2019 but having all of my children has been deeply traumatic for me as I've either lost my babies or my living ones have been premature and faced life threating complications as newborns along with my own health issues and bad treatment during one miscarriage that has been classed as unnecessary suffering and medical negligence by the hospital board, is a pain that runs deep for me.
However I don't often cry about them and I'm glad they never suffered unlike their brothers. We speak of them often and my eldest knows that he has sibling in heaven.
To us its about love not sadness but if anyone finds it strange, we don't care because they are our babies whether they are here or not.

I'm actually the same, I prefer the facts, there was no need to say something so completely untrue though

Depends what you mean though. A heartbeat at 6 weeks is not the same as a heartbeat at 12 weeks or 20 weeks in terms physiology and to me, does amount to "a cluster of cells". But clearly not to everyone and that's important. The worker who treated you was wrong.

I had a first trimester MC five years ago. I was incredibly upsetting at the time and probably more so because it caused a bit of a marriage crisis that DH and I had to work through. I remember being upset around the time that would have been my due date. Now, five years on, I can't say I ever think about it much. It was sad, but I've moved on. I went on to have DC2 the following year so I guess that has kept me busy.

I had a number of miscarriages from 15 years ago until my last, 8 years ago as well as an EP. Each was traumatic in its own way but my grief seemed to increase each time.

Looking back, I was consumed and obsessed. Now I still think of my beans, I still wish that things were different but I feel better about it. I know it wasn’t me (we were part of a major maternity review and one of the cases against them) and that the healthy thing was to let go.

I had a loss at 12 weeks in 2006 and whilst I still feel a little sad when I remember it's more "what could have been" rather than that yawning pit of sadness.

I went on to have another two babies with few if any problems and obviously they've helped me come to terms with the loss.

@AprilShowerThoughts yes, it’s the possibility that hurts. The loss of a life that you could’ve had.

Thank you for this thread OP. I posted earlier about having three MC, my first a MMC at 12 weeks, and then never getting pregnant again, so I don’t have any biological children.

It rarely comes up in conversation now but when it does I always get that people ‘understand’ as they have had early losses as well. These are all friends who went on to have birth children. It’s been comforting to read all of the stories on here and for some people to acknowledge that their feelings about their MCs may have been different if they hadn’t then gone on to have children themselves. In my circle, I’m in a group of just me in terms of having MC and not going on to have birth children. It can be a lonely place sometimes so in a strange way this thread has made me feel my feelings are recognised.

@Allthereindeersaregirls

I'm actually the same, I prefer the facts, there was no need to say something so completely untrue though

Depends what you mean though. A heartbeat at 6 weeks is not the same as a heartbeat at 12 weeks or 20 weeks in terms physiology and to me, does amount to "a cluster of cells". But clearly not to everyone and that's important. The worker who treated you was wrong.

I see now it could be understood in different ways. I had done reproductive biology in undergrad the year before and I was thinking 'what the hell?'. My friend was told similar when she had a termination as a young adult and was heartbroken and angry when she was pregnant with her first child and was reading the pregnancy week by week articles. She felt she had been lied to.

I miscarried after dc 1 and 2, then got pregnant easily with twins afterwards, so now have 4 dc.

I rarely think about it tbh. It was hard at the time but it's not the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I realise I was very lucky as I already had 2 dc when it happened so I knew I could carry babies to term, the loss was very early on and I got pregnant easy soon afterwards.

to those who haven't had it so easy.

I’m glad you’ve found the thread helpful @FrankSpencersBeret. I have too. Hopefully we’re not the only ones. It feels like a good sort of holding space for a multiplicity of different views/experiences.

I’ve had 2 miscarriages between DD and DS. Both were at 7 weeks and it happened 3 years ago. I still think about them often and feel sad that I didn’t know, and will never know, if they were girls/boys and they never had names.

I had a miscarriage at 6/7 weeks in 2007. I already had dd1. It was a traumatic weekend as after going to hospital due to bleeding was scanned and all seemed fine (heartbeat etc) but next evening bleeding got worse and I went back to hospital and mc confirmed. It was a very hard few days but I really did move on pretty quickly if I'm honest, it definitely helped having dd1 . Weirdly the date I was in hospital when the miscarriage was confirmed exactly a year later I was in hospital giving birth to dd2.
Looking back I'm actually surprised the hospital kept me in overnight as it was very early on - I think these days I'd have struggled to get even a scan and I don't think a and e is the best route for early pregnancy .

After I had DS, I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and then 4 early miscarriages (around 6 weeks) about 7 years ago. Investigations in to them lead to a diagnosis of cancer which treatment led me to be infertile.

Weirdly, I'm sort of glad as my cancer wouldn't have been found for a long time and was incidental to the MCs. I don't feel sad about them or even really think about them now. In fact I had to try and think if I 4 or 5....sounds awful really.

Time is a healer and life moves on. I'm happy and it helped me to draw a line under my child bearing years.

I miscarried roughly 10 years ago. I didn't realise it was that long ago. I was fortunate to fall pregnant straight away after and had dd.

At the time it was of Course sad. And I had decided on a surgical procedure. The first one I was bumped off the list after waiting all day and had to go back on A second date for the operation. which then left me with an infection and that rumbled on. It's all a vague memory now. And I only remember the to due date as it was Christmas Day.

For many it is a long term trauma and upset. I feel fortunate to of been able to accept it. And as other have said I would not of had dd if that hadn't of happened.