To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

[TurquoiseKiss]

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

Are you seriously suggesting that the person asking this question thinks that a new parent has done absolutely no work of any description for an entire year?
Well, without asking the person we can't know 100%, obviously, but the wording of the questions and the general context of people wishing they could 'take a year off' and 'how nice it must have been' on ML suggests that yes, they do think that. Or perhaps it's more like they just don't think that their comment might come across as if they think that. Which is no better, IMO, and is what needs challenging and changing in the workplace.

This has gone beyond ridiculous. ‘Hi Jane, did you have a good weekend’. ‘What! How dare you. I didn’t have a weekend. I have children. I work 7 days a week without a weekend, please check yourself’. That’s what’s next folks.

The phrase 'year off' very much implies that the person thinks the OP has had a year off doing anything that could be called work.

No, it doesn't. You're showing your own insecurity there by inferring that. They are implying, and stating, that you have had a year off from your paid employment. Which you have. They neither know nor care whether you consider looking after your own baby "work". That's for you and the chip on your shoulders problem.

@HoppingPavlova

This has gone beyond ridiculous. ‘Hi Jane, did you have a good weekend’. ‘What! How dare you. I didn’t have a weekend. I have children. I work 7 days a week without a weekend, please check yourself’. That’s what’s next folks.

Next? I reckon some of these posters are already there!

@IntermittentParps If someone genuinely hears "I wish I could take a year off" and think it means "I wish I could give birth to a baby so that I could do absolutely no work at all for an entire year", rather than, "I wish I could give birth to a baby and take some maternity leave to have a break from the 9-5, the commuting, and the daily office grind", then honestly, that's on them. It's a huge reach, and challenging it in my workplace on this basis would be met with a lot of confusion.

Bim, I should point out that I don't have a dog in this fight, having never had a child or had to deal personally with ML in the workplace.
I'm not insecure and the only 'chip' on my shoulder is about endemic low-level devaluing of 'women's work'. Which all these comments only add to.

and the only 'chip' on my shoulder is about endemic low-level devaluing of 'women's work'. Which all these comments only add to

No, they don't. If anything you are devaluing womens paid work as well as their work as parents. They are both important, but they are not interchangeable.
And you are severely overestimating how much anyone cares.

If anything you are devaluing womens paid work as well as their work as parents. They are both important, but they are not interchangeable.
I really don't see how you reach that conclusion.

And you are severely overestimating how much anyone cares. Again, I can only see this kind of comment as shutting down conversation about the issue.

I actually think that OP has a point. It feels a bit like resentment masked as a joke from her colleagues. They’re implying that they’ve spent last year working on Very Important Things whereas OP was just doing nothing. And it’s not true. Yes, it’s her choice to have a baby but she doesn’t have to feel guilty for her year off on maternity leave. She’s got this opportunity by law to give her baby the best possible start in life because as a society we’ve recognized that it’s important.

And OP didn’t ask for a medal here she wanted advice how to cope with negative attitude towards new mothers.

I really don't see how you reach that conclusion

You don't? Well, as an example, my paid work is something that took years of training to qualify in, is very difficult both physically and mentally, needs constant professional development and literally saves lives. By contrast I spend most of my first maternity leave sitting on my arse watching box sets eating cake and playing with the baby (not my second, but thats a different matter!).

By lumping my work and my maternity leave in together and saying they are equal, how are you not devaluing my paid work?

@BimBimBapp

and the only 'chip' on my shoulder is about endemic low-level devaluing of 'women's work'. Which all these comments only add to

No, they don't. If anything you are devaluing womens paid work as well as their work as parents. They are both important, but they are not interchangeable.
And you are severely overestimating how much anyone cares.

How much anyone cares about what?

I certainly care that the veiled banter often reflects resentment toward maternity leave, whether it’s 6 months or one year.

@Bagamoyo1

But it is a year off. What else is it? You chose to get pregnant, have a child, and a year off work with that child.

I concur. Of course it was gruelling at first - BF and no sleep or relatives around to help, just me and DH - but I suspect it's that way for a lot of people. It was mothering, family leave, a way to bond with my child while my brain took a break from the hard stuff (fortunately too, because baby brain is definitely a thing!)

It's not the same thing as the pressures of the workplace, which is why I did see it as a year off (and loved it)!

the only 'chip' on my shoulder is about endemic low-level devaluing of 'women's work'. Which all these comments only add to.

In a sense I'm with you. How I would love to get rid of any silly gendered assumptions of what's 'women's work' and 'men's work'. I really thought by 2021 we'd be over that.

I wouldn't glorify domestic labour, or see it as in any way gendered, or actually care a toss how other households divide up their paid and domestic tasks. But it does very much surprise me that when women become proficient at a certain career, that career has historically tended to lose social status, even in some of the professions. Examples off the cuff: secretarial work (high status when men did it). Nursing. Teaching. Some areas of the law (especially childcare and legal aid work). It's an interesting pattern, especially given the way women are rapidly losing the ground feminism gained us in the 20th century. Parenting is now much more of a 2-person job. But those losing status or taking on part-time work are often women. Now the graduate sphere has broadened so much the jury's still out as to whether the same will be the case in the sciences and medicine, where women have had the unholy nerve to stick our upstart little heads over the parapet.

So yes, work thought to be 'women's work' is not as well-valued socially as it should be, even in our supposedly enlightened times. And to coin a less than lyrical Mumsnet phrase, it 'boils my piss'.

@greenlynx

I actually think that OP has a point. It feels a bit like resentment masked as a joke from her colleagues. They’re implying that they’ve spent last year working on Very Important Things whereas OP was just doing nothing. And it’s not true. Yes, it’s her choice to have a baby but she doesn’t have to feel guilty for her year off on maternity leave. She’s got this opportunity by law to give her baby the best possible start in life because as a society we’ve recognized that it’s important. And OP didn’t ask for a medal here she wanted advice how to cope with negative attitude towards new mothers.

Absolutely this.

@BimBimBapp

I really don't see how you reach that conclusion

You don't? Well, as an example, my paid work is something that took years of training to qualify in, is very difficult both physically and mentally, needs constant professional development and literally saves lives. By contrast I spend most of my first maternity leave sitting on my arse watching box sets eating cake and playing with the baby (not my second, but thats a different matter!).

By lumping my work and my maternity leave in together and saying they are equal, how are you not devaluing my paid work?

This highlights a persistent perennial problem that parenting is considered to be low value work.

I worked hard for my professional qualifications and work hard at my job but I maintain that parenting has been one of the most challenging jobs I’ve ever done. It’s been the most rewarding by far.

OK. Agree with the connection between low pay and work in which women dominate. That can and should be tackled, primarily in terms of financial reward.

How do you think the issue of parenting being considered to be low value work should be tackled? Salaries to be paid to parents for parenting? Social campaigns for maternity leave to be seen as an alternative form of employment and/or workplace and/or equivalent to paid work? I can't see that campaigning for people to refrain from using the words "year off" (from the workplace) is going to do much for the cause, without being clear about what you actually want changed.

If what you want is for people to recognise that having a baby and raising a newborn involves work, then - congratulations, job done. If you can find me one person who genuinely believes that this involves no work whatsoever, I'll happily eat my humble pie.

This highlights a persistent perennial problem that parenting is considered to be low value work

Parenting is not work in the sense we are talking about. Work is paid employment, parenting is a lifestyle choice you made. Whether it is difficult or valuable is immaterial to the point at hand. It is not work in the sense work as we know it.

I maintain that parenting has been one of the most challenging jobs I’ve ever done

It's not a "job" though, and you know that, so why do you keep conflating parenting with paid work?

I viewed my maternity leaves as time out from work and took a year plus annual leave both times and loved it!!

5 days of hospitalisation isn't much out if he whole year off to he fair and the majority of your time hopefully was nice

Just a shame covid stopped people doing what they wanted to do

By lumping my work and my maternity leave in together and saying they are equal, how are you not devaluing my paid work?

'equal' rather than 'the same'. Equally deserving of time and pay (as is written into law). And equally deserving of respect –as in, colleagues should not 'lump in', to use your phrase, ML with 'a year off' or time in which in their minds the OP just went on lots of nice trips.

@BimBimBapp

This highlights a persistent perennial problem that parenting is considered to be low value work

Parenting is not work in the sense we are talking about. Work is paid employment, parenting is a lifestyle choice you made. Whether it is difficult or valuable is immaterial to the point at hand. It is not work in the sense work as we know it.

I maintain that parenting has been one of the most challenging jobs I’ve ever done

It's not a "job" though, and you know that, so why do you keep conflating parenting with paid work?

You do realise that not all work is paid? You also realise that some parents stay home to look after their kids, without pay rather than going out to work and paying for childcare?

I really don’t whether you call parenting a job or work - I think we all know the effort involved.

Continue to minimise its value.

But lots of people do go on nice trips during maternity leave

Even with Covid, there have been many months when people have been able to go away in the last year.

@maggiethecat

It's still not a job.
Renovating your own house is hard work but it's not a job. It's a choice to make. Lots of things we do are hard work, but it's not the same as a job.

I found maternity leave hard but I also really enjoyed my freedom. If I was a bit tired or not feeling up to much I could just choose to do less, cook easy food, leave the cleaning, play with the baby indoors instead of going out somewhere etc. Whereas when you're working, you can't just not do things because you don't feel like it. You have other people to answer to, whether that's a boss or clients etc.

But lots of people do go on nice trips during maternity leave
Well we could (and this thread does) argue all day about what people do/don't/should/shouldn't/could/couldn't do on ML, but that's really not the point.

For me the key to this whole thing is colleagues projecting their own assumptions on to the OP, rather than talking to her and listening.
The sensible and sensitive thing to do when someone's back from ML is to say something fairly neutral like 'How have you been?' or even just 'It's nice to have you back.' Then the returner can say whatever they like –'Oh, it's been lovely, like a year on holiday' or 'I'm pleased to be back too, TBH; it's been crazy' or 'I was fairly unwell for a bit, although it did get better', or whatever. etc etc.

I do think the OP has a point though.
Jokes and biases about maternity leave are what leads women to feel guilty about taking it, and bosses to resent women taking it.
Being on maternity leave isn't the same as working on a job full time, but it's still a valuable role. If people didn't have children, society would go to shit pretty quickly.

@Fauvist that is fantastic, thanks for sharing. I've saved for when I return to work.