To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

[TurquoiseKiss]

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

I don’t know why people get so sensitive about this. Of course ML is not a big holiday but for 99% of mothers it is still a time that you enjoy more than work (otherwise you just go back early). You get to spend time doing nice things, baby classes, walks with friends, coffees etc.
It is not always easy but please let’s stop talking about it like martyrs.

@Ussernayme I can understand why you are sensitive but again I am not referring to you specifically

I don’t know why people get so sensitive about this. Of course ML is not a big holiday

Might it be because OP’s colleagues are implying it is, indeed, a big holiday?

The SMP system is archaic - No professional woman I know could afford to live on £150 per week

Never heard of enhanced maternity pay that many 'professional women' are entitled to?

The package my employer offers allows a year off and you only lose about 6 weeks pay due to combination of full pay, annual leave and SMP.

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

I don’t know why people get so sensitive about this. Of course ML is not a big holiday but for 99% of mothers it is still a time that you enjoy more than work (otherwise you just go back early). You get to spend time doing nice things, baby classes, walks with friends, coffees etc. It is not always easy but please let’s stop talking about it like martyrs.

Exactly this. If it was such a hardship why wouldn't you go back sooner? Instead many women are heartbroken to return to work and say they'll miss their babies?!

Start talking about how your vagina is completely ruined and all the gross medical parts and they'll soon stop teasing you.

Or, just say it was a fabulous year off and you really enjoyed the time getting to know your baby. They can't really say much because you're agreeing with the sentiment but not rising up to them and try and argue it was work work. It's not paid work but you don't actually care because that's not what having a baby is all about. You're back now and you're doing your job that you're paid for. I did this when I returned and the comments dried up really quickly.

Think you are being overly sensitive. Your colleagues sound lovely.

You did have a year off the daily grind. Yes, replaced with another type of more delightful grind, but still. Also, probably a good proportion of your colleagues (if they are female) have been through the same and many probably didn't get a year away from work if they are older ladies.

Please don't martyr yourself.

Exactly this. If it was such a hardship why wouldn't you go back sooner?

And if it’s such a relaxing lovely easy time, why aren’t more men keen to take up SPL?

I did miss my babies when I went back, and I did enjoy my mat leaves. But they weren’t a lovely stress-free relaxing year of holiday that women have somehow connivingly wheedled out of employers, and we aren’t obliged to pretend like that’s what mat leave is if our colleagues are being clueless and/or rude about it.

People look at things from their own perspective. You can push back a bit if it bothers you, but it’s only natural.
I was off sick for 6 months, and when I returned I was treated to a barrage of “you left us in the lurch, it was so hard for us, we had to deal with [add list of crap] because of you.” It wasn’t nice for me, but that was their reality.

@Sleepplease1111

Welcome to parenthood - If you are working part time get used to the ‘jokes’ about having a long weekend etc coming your way every week.

Yes this!

I have it every week, not helped by the fact I finish my week earlier, rather than having my days off at the beginning IYSWIM. The funny thing is, those that generally say it, don't work full time either, it's just that they've had Monday or Tuesday off !
Also I don't just work part time, I also volunteer elsewhere on my days off - so hardly sat with my feet up.

Just get used to it, smile and walk away.

Ussernayme I can understand why you are sensitive but again I am not referring to you specifically

And I'm saying that you couldn't know. I looked like one of the 'many' who had a good time but was just moaning. You never know what's going on underneath.

If a man took a year out to raise a child, I bet you the comments from your colleagues would be really different. In fact we did have a male colleague take a year out after adopting a baby and no one in my workplace considered that as a 'holiday'.

The people who make those snide remarks about holidays are never going to get it. If you try to explain, it's going to be perceived as moaning.

I'd go for hyperbole: "Oh, it was great! We did the Maldives, the Algarve, skiing in Queenstown in NZ. Fabulous, you should try it!
The baby? Oh, whenever she woke up we just passed her to one of the nannies. We have a round-the-clock team, all from Norland. Have you seen those cute uniforms? We hardly know we have a baby, really, until the photographers come for the weekly shoot for social media. If we're off on holiday, they just Photoshop us in. Such fun!

They'll shut up quite quickly, guaranteed. 😉

@Biffsboys

Similar to people saying oh your so lucky you only work half a week - yeah and I only get half a wage at end of month 🙄

Ha yep another funny one that I get!

Yes you are being a snowflake about it. It IS a time off from the workplace.

@Namechangeme1

I actually think a year off is excessive unless you support yourself financially. It should not be an expectation or entitlement

Why not? That first year is hard. Getting over (physically and mentally) the birth. Getting used to having a child, or another child if not your first. It's physically and mentally exhausting. Or would you rather the US system where they get a maximum of 3 months (unpaid) leave begrudgingly?

I'd go for hyperbole: "Oh, it was great! We did the Maldives, the Algarve, skiing in Queenstown in NZ. Fabulous, you should try it!
The baby? Oh, whenever she woke up we just passed her to one of the nannies. We have a round-the-clock team, all from Norland. Have you seen those cute uniforms? We hardly know we have a baby, really, until the photographers come for the weekly shoot for social media. If we're off on holiday, they just Photoshop us in. Such fun!

Yes, do this!

All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?”

Bizarre that people would have been asking you what you got up to and whether you'd had any nice trips in the middle of a global pandemic in which much of the population spent a significant period on Lockdown and much of the rest of the time on movement restrictions.

Where do you live?

@BarbaraofSeville

The SMP system is archaic - No professional woman I know could afford to live on £150 per week

Never heard of enhanced maternity pay that many 'professional women' are entitled to?

The package my employer offers allows a year off and you only lose about 6 weeks pay due to combination of full pay, annual leave and SMP.

Your lucky then

I have a professional job - my enhanced Oxnard is 6 weeks @ 90% pay and 12 weeks at 50% then it's SMP ONLY

not everyone gets an enhanced package like yours it's very much the exception rather than the norm

I might well say (because I did actually think this in my 20s); 'Oh yes, before I had a child, I imagined that maternity leave would be the perfect opportunity to write a novel or learn a language, in between changing the odd nappy.'

And I might add, 'turns out looking after a baby is a bit more occupying than that' or 'how naive was I!' depending on who I was talking to.

@HopeClearwater

Did you have a baby for anyone’s good except your own?

Laugh along and say, “yeah it was great, aren’t we lucky to live in a country where maternity leave is a thing?”

This

She didn't have a year off work? She had a baby

She had a year off from her job. She didn't go to her workplace for a year. She had a year off work. Not sure how people are so confused to be honest.
Yes, she had a baby, which can be very hard (although some people find it very easy), but she still had a year off work.

@BarbaraofSeville

The SMP system is archaic - No professional woman I know could afford to live on £150 per week

Never heard of enhanced maternity pay that many 'professional women' are entitled to?

The package my employer offers allows a year off and you only lose about 6 weeks pay due to combination of full pay, annual leave and SMP.

I don’t think you realise how incredibly lucky you are to have this available to you

You did have a year off your usual work, though. And please don’t tell anyone you ‘ birthed’ a baby. You gave birth to one, or you simply ‘had’ a baby. Everyone knows that means you went through labour - nobody imagines it was delivered by Hermes.

@SkedaddIe

This thread is a parent pity party

This.