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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry with my husband?

126 replies

Mackmama · 12/05/2021 20:04

AIBU - I’m annoyed with my husband who has, without any discussion, walked out of his job after 6.5 years?

He’s had a tough time since returning from furlough last year, its a manufacturing job and supply chains etc have been more tricky during Covid. He seems to have taken on lots of problem solving which is causing him stress, he also works long hours.

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship.

Nursery fees have been a big financial strain but I’ve needed to pay them to keep myself in work and we’re just about coming to the end of them now with my youngest starting school in September. Finances were looking like they would be a bit better then suddenly my husband returns from work saying he just can’t do it anymore and he’s handed his keys in.

Mental health is important I get that but I’ve worked through a miscarriage, two pregnancies followed by minimal amounts of maternity leave, a cancer diagnosis and treatment and alopecia where I’ve lost every hair on my head, sometimes I didn’t want to face work but I did as I know I need to earn so I can look after my family. Is it unreasonable to expect he would stick it out while he looked for something else?

OP posts:
TopBlogger · 12/05/2021 20:08

What are his reasons? They must be pretty huge to take this step!!

CliftonGreenYork · 12/05/2021 20:09

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would feel extremely angry and hurt if my husband just quit his job without even discussing it with me. I am so sorry that he has treated you and your family like this.

Howshouldibehave · 12/05/2021 20:11

I’d be livid he did this without talking to me!

Why do you work full time yet do ALL of the housework??

Original poster
Mackmama · 12/05/2021 20:16

Frustration with his employer and colleagues, just general pressure I think. Since we’ve been married there have been a series of things we’ve had to overcome, financial problems, health problems, his daughter being moved away and the subsequent 120 mile round trip twice weekly trip to pick her up and drop her off while our kids have been so young. All difficult stuff but just as things are starting to get easier, he’s decided to do this and put us in another difficult situation and I just can’t believe it really.

OP posts:
jetadore · 12/05/2021 20:17

Yanbu. Make sure it’s made clear to him that while he’s out of work he will be doing all housework and childcare (which should at least save on nursery).

jetadore · 12/05/2021 20:20

Also why can’t he do what most people do when you hate your job and want to leave - isn’t it normal to grit it out while getting another one lined up??

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2021 20:22

I would be livid.

Horehound · 12/05/2021 20:23

Is it really set on stone? Surely his employer will ask for a meeting and iron out the issues and give him support if be has been there 6.5 years.

I suppose if he doesn't go back you have childcare sorted but it's not great if your child likes nursery.

You've taken on the grunt work for far too long.

Sciurus83 · 12/05/2021 20:24

His reasons are his wife earns twice as much and does ALL the housework, she will pick up the slack like she always does.

Yeh this is really crap OP. Now thats not to say anyone should stay in a job that is making them unwell, but good god you discuss that decision with your partner before just doing it and putting everyone in the shit.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2021 20:24

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship.

Well, all of this is going to change, isn't it? He will have to get off his arse and actually do something. He can also care for your children so you don't have to pay nursery costs.

HeddaGarbled · 12/05/2021 20:26

I think you are being unreasonable, not for anything to do with your husband, for one of the most extreme descriptions of unhealthy lack of self care I’ve read on here for quite a while.

JackieWeaverFever · 12/05/2021 20:28

No this would not be acceptable in my marriage.
We discussed it premarriage. Our agreement is it needs to be jointly agreed to quit without a job, if not you need to suck it up buttercup and find a new job pre-quitting.

The balance is totally off in your relationship and it sounds like you have been carrying him for a while.

I won't even ask if you can take your child out of nursery and he stay home FT but I already KNOW you know he wont be capable and it'll be a hot mess.

I would seriously be telling him that he needs to move out until he finds a new one or begs hard enough to go get the old one back.

MadMadMadamMim · 12/05/2021 20:33

I'd be livid.

He would now be doing all the jobs I currently do (apart from my full time job) on top of urgently looking for a new job.

I'd also be telling him that if he ever made a unilateral decision that affected the whole family like this again then I'd be looking at ending the relationship. You don't get to just decide you'll quit work and someone else can support you/pick up the slack.

Not in the adult world, and definitely not when you have children to support.

Trytrytryasimight · 12/05/2021 20:33

I have leant that in a fulfilling, boundaried, interdependence and equal relationship both partners do all they can to protect their partners emotional, mental, physical and financial well being.

By walking out on his job, he has reneged on these.

BlueVelvetStars · 12/05/2021 20:34

@Sciurus83

His reasons are his wife earns twice as much and does ALL the housework, she will pick up the slack like she always does.

Yeh this is really crap OP. Now thats not to say anyone should stay in a job that is making them unwell, but good god you discuss that decision with your partner before just doing it and putting everyone in the shit.

spot on 🌸

MadeForThis · 12/05/2021 20:36

It's selfish. Shoes a total lack of respect for you and the whole family.

He definitely needs to take over childcare and housework. Immediately.

DolphinFC · 12/05/2021 20:39

No wonder so many men have mental health problems.

worriedatthemoment · 12/05/2021 20:40

Did it just come to a head on the day though as in he didn't pre plan it and just blew his top / had enough there and then.
But regardless he should now pick up qll childcare/ housework or is he serving notice so not out of work yet ?

worriedatthemoment · 12/05/2021 20:41

Having personally suffered mh problems mine hit me from nowhere it felt and i lost my job , my dh was supportive though as he realised I was ill and it couldn't be helped, I never walked though was more pushed .

LolaSmiles · 12/05/2021 20:44

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship.
He has been showing you who he is for ages OP. He's been taking the mick for ages.

DolphinFC
Do you actually think men have mental health problems because their wives get annoyed at husband quitting his job after wife has been understanding of difficult circumstances, works full time earning most of the household money, runs the household and does all the child duties?

The reasons male mental health is an issue are complex, but it's certainly not because of women.

Hmm
BrumBoo · 12/05/2021 20:45

@DolphinFC

No wonder so many men have mental health problems.
Oh bollocks off with the 'poor men' shit. Seriously, all he had to do was go to work, he doesn't seem to do shit all else, with a wife who not only picks up his slack but has been ill in the meantime. She doesn't get to just walk out of work despite all this. He could at least have waited until September when the youngest started school! Selfish behaviour, it didn't have to be forever but he owed his family a compromise for at least a few weeks.
bigbaggyeyes · 12/05/2021 20:46

I'd be fuming too op

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship

Well at least you won't have to do any of the above whilst he's unemployed.

converseandjeans · 12/05/2021 20:46

YANBU and you also mention a daughter from a previous relationship. I can't imagine his ex will be too pleased either.

He needs to work so could do stacking shelves or something similarly stress free.

MilduraS · 12/05/2021 20:47

To be fair to him, he's stuck it out for over 6 years which doesn't suggest it's his usual behaviour. I quit my job with nothing to move on to a few years ago and I did discuss it with my DH beforehand despite having enough money to cover a year out of work. I feel for your DH in his situation (it was the best thing I ever did for myself) but do think he should have spoken to you about it in the lead up. My own DH responded by saying that if I didn't quit he would have done it for me and that mutual understanding made it a lot easier to take a few months out and get better.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2021 20:48

Bloody hell, OP, I’d be livid too!

He’ll be doing all housework and childcare from now on then? Nursery stripped back to however much is free. That should leave you free to concentrate fully on your better earning job.

Then he applies for any and every job he can, if not now then the moment your dc is in school.

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