AIBU to be angry with my husband?

[Mackmama]

AIBU - I’m annoyed with my husband who has, without any discussion, walked out of his job after 6.5 years?

He’s had a tough time since returning from furlough last year, its a manufacturing job and supply chains etc have been more tricky during Covid. He seems to have taken on lots of problem solving which is causing him stress, he also works long hours.

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship.

Nursery fees have been a big financial strain but I’ve needed to pay them to keep myself in work and we’re just about coming to the end of them now with my youngest starting school in September. Finances were looking like they would be a bit better then suddenly my husband returns from work saying he just can’t do it anymore and he’s handed his keys in.

Mental health is important I get that but I’ve worked through a miscarriage, two pregnancies followed by minimal amounts of maternity leave, a cancer diagnosis and treatment and alopecia where I’ve lost every hair on my head, sometimes I didn’t want to face work but I did as I know I need to earn so I can look after my family. Is it unreasonable to expect he would stick it out while he looked for something else?

Does that mean you've experienced what this is like?

Quite simply, the level of financial, emotional and practical pressure it puts upon one person to have this happen is too much - I know I can't do that ever again. Whilst DP was busy being unwell, I was busy being unwell and carrying the two of us. There was no space for me to have any weakness, which cost me physically, financially and emotionally. I couldn't sleep for worry. I got into debt and there were times when I had a negative balance on payday and ran out of overdraft by the following week.

I will always carry the terror that he'll walk out of work and refuse to go back because it's nicer staying at home in bed all day and then if the house is still standing, saying he's really tired and needs a rest so the vacuuming can wait for another six weeks. It took years and two big walkouts, the second two hours into the second day because somebody might say something mean to him when he was stressed about a new (voluntary) job. But the absolute worst thing to do for his MH was for him to get used to being at home instead of working. Had he kept the routine, the habits, the interaction and activity, he'd have been back in work within a short time. Staying off meant his world shrunk further and further until the outside was scary and it was easier to claim 'I'm a househusband' than admit he didn't want a job, he wanted me to pay for everything whilst he didn't have to work for a living.

A unilateral decision is a quick route to substituting a husband for a fucking cocklodger, albeit one whose need to stay in bed all day or only do what is interesting to him is justified because 'he's ill'.

I absolutely agree with @NeverDropYourMoonCup

I've been in exactly this position. And the resentment nearly destroyed our marriage. Whilst I chose to stay with him I can't forget (or forgive) what he put me (and us) through. I'll always been on edge he'll do the same again

So it seems like he is going to be a sahp. And taking on those jobs (although I had a laugh the other day at a thread saying parenting was a full time job and household tasks should still be split evenly). Nothing wrong with that as seen on countless threads where women have given up their jobs to be sahp.

Whoarethewho
The person who does nothing around the house is going to be a SAHP?
I doubt it. PP have probably hit the nail on the head when they say he'll probably decide he is a SAHP, but the type of SAHP who fritters days away doing very little whilst the OP still has to do everything. In other words, a cocklodger, not a SAHP.

There is nothing wrong with a man or a woman being a SAHP. There is everything wrong about one person unilaterally making decisions when they don't pull their weight as it is. This situation is nothing like parents choosing to have one parent be a SAHP.

I would be angry too. He had options. This is not the first thing you do if you are stressed at work and don’t like your job.

Can you ask him why this is the option he chose? Why he didn’t choose to go to his GP, apply for other jobs (in the year or so he’s been unhappy), get some qualifications in something he enjoys, adopt some self care strategies.

I would be angry. Does he at least acknowledge the additional pressure he’s put you under and offered to take on all the household chores while he looks for work??
In your shoes I would not pull the DC out of childcare because it would be too disruptive if he finds something quickly but I would expect him to take on the lions share of the domestic duties while looking for work. And I would expect him to show some care towards your feelings and appreciation for all you have done and continue to do. And to develop self care and a plan for the future. I’d make it crystal clear that I would not tolerate this happening again.

@LolaSmiles

Yes. Exactly why I pay more out in childcare per month than what my DH now earns....because I'd have murderered divorced him if I had to work all day and then come home to his idea of being a STAHP which wouldn't have involved a fraction of the work that I would get done of a day

Sounds like he's angling for full cocklodger status.

Id give him till September to get a new job, and in the meantime he can take on all the extra jobs you currently do.

Although personally I dont know how you could stay with someone who was happy to watch you work yourself into an early grave.

[quote Newkitchen123]@neverdropyourmooncup
As the saying goes you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option.

I wasn't widowed through suicide but through illness and if I wrote down what we both went through and later what I went through on my own i would wonder how I coped.

I've had people talk about their issues and then say oh I shouldn't be saying this as it's nothing compared to what you went through. No it's not. Not for that person. And that's what matters! Everyone deals with things in their own way. And some people cope with more than others. That doesn't make the other person weak[/quote]
And it doesn't mean the person who coped wasn't negatively effected by it 'because you coped, didn't you?', either.

Whether people like it or not, focusing solely on the wants/needs/desires of the 'ill person is hugely detrimental to the wellbeing of the other and, as there was earlier on the thread 'bet you'll be sorry if he kills himself' doesn't help the people who are forced into a position of having to cope with the immediate fallout of somebody announcing they'd walked out of work with no notice.

Of course everyone has the right to chuck in their job if it's affecting their mental health. That goes without saying.

However, with rights comes responsibilities. He should have got a new job before leaving,

I've been working for 35 years, and yes there has been times when my mental health has suffered as a result of my job. However, as there are bills to pay, I've always got a new job to go onto before leaving. TBH, I thought everyone did this.

I disagree with most posters. He has the right to leave his job if it isn’t working out for him.

@daisychain01

He is a married man, with a wife and children. With rights come responsibilities. The trouble with the move towards more acceptance of Mental Health problems is that it seems to give people license to throw in the towel without any attempt to do it in a way that doesn't put a bomb under their life, finances and the wellbeing of the people in their life.

All of this. ^

@Newkitchen123

I wonder if the responses would be different if the OP had posted that he'd taken his own life because he couldn't cope... We have no idea what goes on in someone's head. Get him to the GP

@Naunet

For fuck sake 🙄 and what about OPs mental health? Do you think women are just support bots for men? How does she cope with this? Does he need to get her to a doctor, or is that women’s work? He’s a grown man with a wife and children, if he was struggling that much (and we have nothing to suggest right now that this is anything more than general work stress), he should do something about it other than dumping yet more onto OP.

This too. ^ As a pp said, this man is nothing but a selfish waster. Like hell would I spending another MOMENT with him! The OP would better off without him.

I agree with a pp who said he is going for full on cocklodger status. And as another pp said, why should we feel sorry for da menz? Women have MUCH more to cope with in life than bloody men, but we just have to cope don't we?! Coz that's what is expected of women! A man must be treated like a fucking egg shell though if HE 'isn't coping.'

We have all had a shitty, stressful, horrible job, working with (or FOR) cunts. Most people deal with it, because they can't just jack in their job and LEAVE!

"And it doesn't mean the person who coped wasn't negatively effected by it 'because you coped, didn't you?', either."

I think we'd all agree with this

Edging to stay at home and be the at home parent doing fxxk all, because he never has done and when you eventually crack and try and separate he will come out with some blackmailing bullshit about being the fulltime resid4parent and will threaten to take your children from you and YOU will be paying HIM.

He is a lazy waster, looking to do even less.

Split up with him and save yourself OP, otherwise you are going to be at his mercy.

My DH has done this 3 times. His sister has 7 or 8. It's not depression, he is a narcissist and has an undiagnosed personality disorder. He can't work for or with anyone else because has a massive problem with any kind of suggestion from anyone else about how and when he should work.

I am struggling to get out now because he is Self employed and doesn't file returns so I can't prove his income (hides bank statements etc). I will get out though.

Similar to your DH he has spent years doing what he wants, when he wants to without any consideration for me or our DC. Including gaming all night.

If you can, get out now. If it's been going on for a while he's already proven to you what's important to him. Its him isn't it.

Good luck

Holy moly the amount of crap everyone is giving without actually understanding the mans point of view. Has anyone actually considered why a man or anyone would quit a job that they have been doing for over 6 years? There is more to this and you should have a deep conversation with your husband as to why he quit.

I stuck it out in a job for 7 years before I was made redundant. And I was so glad it was a relief the number of times I thought of doing something to myself because of the constant bullying by my manager made it so unbearable. and forced to do late nights including weekends, I developed high blood pressure and diabetes because I was working 80+ hrs a week with not enough sleep. But I carried on because I didn't feel like I could talk to my wife about it, I only spoke to my best friend. I looked for a new role but it was during the financial crisis and nothing was coming.

Before everyone belittles this guy please understand that there's always another side to a story.

MullinerSpec
I'm more concerned at a relationship where a man has been quite happy for his wife to work full time to fund most of the household plus doing all the child things and running the household throughout the relationship.

I don't think anyone doubts stress is an issue or that men can have mental health issues.

I do think plenty of women are suspicious when a man who has not pulled his weight at home throughout a relationship suddenly quits his job with no notice and expects his wife to suck it up.

Thanks for your advice everyone, I’ve managed to convince my husband to see a doctor who has been very helpful. Husband will be at home for a few weeks so I’ve asked for more help with kids and household stuff, we’ll have to see how it goes.

more help ??!! First of all it's not 'help' he is a father and an adult so he should simply be taking responsibility for his life, kids and house! Secondly, I'd be expecting him to do the lions share. Leaving a job doesn't mean he gets lie ins every day. It means he gets up with the kids? Gets them ready for school, packed lunches, dressed etc a new take them to school, the. He has the joys of housework and chores etc.

bigbaggyeyes has said what I was going to.

He isn't helping you if he does domestic tasks. He should be doing domestic tasks because adults in a relationship do their fair share. Now he is no longer in work, his fair share should be the lion's share with the children in school.

Keep your wits about you. I wouldn't be surprised if he expects you to carry the mental load and tell him what needs doing each day.

@bigbaggyeyes

more help ??!! First of all it's not 'help' he is a father and an adult so he should simply be taking responsibility for his life, kids and house! Secondly, I'd be expecting him to do the lions share. Leaving a job doesn't mean he gets lie ins every day. It means he gets up with the kids? Gets them ready for school, packed lunches, dressed etc a new take them to school, the. He has the joys of housework and chores etc.

You’re very lucky as it doesn’t sound like you have ever met someone who is in a really bad place mentally? They can’t do stuff like that. They don’t leave work to go complete Netflix. They have no motivation, feel dreadful a lot of the time and struggle to do things. It’s a really quite harrowing thing, and giving him a list of chores he must do may not help/ make things worse.

Just because you are an adult and a parent doesn’t mean you get to have no mental health problems.

The GP is a great shout OP, well done to both you. And it’s good news he is gonna try and help out around the house more too.
I hope all works out for you both

@MrBrightside324 I know very well how awful mental health issues can be. But the op doesn't know that her dh does have mh issues.

@MullinerSpec

Holy moly the amount of crap everyone is giving without actually understanding the mans point of view. Has anyone actually considered why a man or anyone would quit a job that they have been doing for over 6 years? There is more to this and you should have a deep conversation with your husband as to why he quit.

I stuck it out in a job for 7 years before I was made redundant. And I was so glad it was a relief the number of times I thought of doing something to myself because of the constant bullying by my manager made it so unbearable. and forced to do late nights including weekends, I developed high blood pressure and diabetes because I was working 80+ hrs a week with not enough sleep. But I carried on because I didn't feel like I could talk to my wife about it, I only spoke to my best friend. I looked for a new role but it was during the financial crisis and nothing was coming.

Before everyone belittles this guy please understand that there's always another side to a story.

And I stuck out a similar job because, with a DP at home sleeping all day when he wasn't watching movies and then spending the night up watching more because he couldn't sleep, I didn't have the choice to talk to him about it because it 'would put more pressure on' him - but the bills still needed to be paid.

There's always another side to the story. Not just the one of the conventional victim being ill, there's the one of the person who has to keep going no matter what, because they know they aren't getting any help and support to bear the load.

My partner's happiness and mental health is more important to me than what they can contribute to the joint account.

You mention him not having much support when he was growing up and not getting many qualifications. At a guess, was his family life as a child chaotic and a series of crises? People often recreate their family dynamic unconsciously because it feels familiar to them. Things were going quite smoothly so he precipitates a crisis? And what about you? How did you decide that you should have the caretaker role? Something for you to think about.

@Newkitchen123

I wonder if the responses would be different if the OP had posted that he'd taken his own life because he couldn't cope We have no idea what goes on in someone's head. Get him to the GP

This is happening an awful lot, I'm seeing it more and more in my profession. We are living in far, far different circumstances to those we have ever known before. The pressure in some jobs now is immense.

GroovyPeanut
You're right, the pressure in some jobs is enormous.

However the OP's DH hasn't been pulling his weight at home throughout the relationship and this seems to be being overlooked by some in favour of suggesting that the OP is unreasonable for being annoyed that she's now forced into carrying all the financial load as well as all the domestic responsibilities.

The responses would have been very different if a man who had always pulled his weight started behaving out of character. Unfortunately this is a man with form for opting out of family/domestic responsibilities whilst his wife continued to work and look after the family as she suffered miscarriages, had short maternity leaves and recovered from cancer. People take a dim view of relationships where the burdens fall on one person and the other expects their partner to bend over backwards to accommodate everything for them.

My DH is murder for this

But every time he gets work straight away and better paid