AIBU to be angry with my husband?

[Mackmama]

AIBU - I’m annoyed with my husband who has, without any discussion, walked out of his job after 6.5 years?

He’s had a tough time since returning from furlough last year, its a manufacturing job and supply chains etc have been more tricky during Covid. He seems to have taken on lots of problem solving which is causing him stress, he also works long hours.

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship.

Nursery fees have been a big financial strain but I’ve needed to pay them to keep myself in work and we’re just about coming to the end of them now with my youngest starting school in September. Finances were looking like they would be a bit better then suddenly my husband returns from work saying he just can’t do it anymore and he’s handed his keys in.

Mental health is important I get that but I’ve worked through a miscarriage, two pregnancies followed by minimal amounts of maternity leave, a cancer diagnosis and treatment and alopecia where I’ve lost every hair on my head, sometimes I didn’t want to face work but I did as I know I need to earn so I can look after my family. Is it unreasonable to expect he would stick it out while he looked for something else?

I think it is reasonable to be angry at him for not discussing it with you, or more angry at the situation at the very least. It might be that he is ill - but your already taking on the majority of the work in your relationship by the sounds of it! This is a huge decision that affects the whole family and you had no say in it which is awful. I have every sympathy for him if he is struggling mentally, I don't think anyone would deny how important mental health is and how seriously it needs to be taken but I also don't think anyone would be completely calm in your situation and your emotions are valid and you have the right to air them. It is possible to support someone's mental health whilst also acknowledging that their actions have been incredibly selfish.

@Sciurus83

His reasons are his wife earns twice as much and does ALL the housework, she will pick up the slack like she always does.

Yeh this is really crap OP. Now thats not to say anyone should stay in a job that is making them unwell, but good god you discuss that decision with your partner before just doing it and putting everyone in the shit.

I was thinking this.

He immediately needs to be responsible for DC mornings and evenings, getting them to school and child care and doing housework and shop while he looks for a new job.

No wonder so many men have mental health problems

It’s a wonder more women don’t.

I wouldn't be inclined to leave him over it...as some are suggesting on here...I prob would be more pissed off about doing everything else for years than this one crisis. That said, I would be annoyed if it never came up ever in recent times that he was at the max at what he could take & wanted to just quit. If he can find work that makes him happier then he needs to get on that v v fast. In the meantime I'd be having a very serious discussion about how a partnership works in terms of chores & kids...once he is back at work it is being split...until then he is doing every little bit of it. Too many on here advocate LTB ...he could be the love of your life but has his flaws (that you've allowed slide too) so as long as he is contrite about causing tgis crisis & ready to plunge headlong into next chapter, I'd be willing to allow him some time to show it...

Well I have done this before I broke down after over a year off issues I didn't discuss it I didn't plan it I didn't even think I just blew my top at work walked out and never returned, I had a week to regroup and had a new job a few weeks later, sorry you have had a shot time and so has he but everyone copes differently to stress and this is not the norm for him so he needs to step back regroup and find another job but everyone saying well he can do everything now he might not be in the mental state to do half of it let alone all yes its shit but he need love and support or anger and harshness

@NotFrozen

I disagree with most posters. He has the right to leave his job if it isn’t working out for him.

Nobody said he doesn’t. But he should have discussed this with the OP. He has responsibilities not only to his current family but his previous one as well. What would happen if OP jacked in her job as well because it isn’t working out for her either? How would the bills get paid?

If he got to the point that he couldn’t cope anymore then he did the right thing by leaving work. But now he’s in the position of needing work which is also stressful, and it doesn’t sound like he should be undertaking that without some proper help with his mental health.

@Naunet

No wonder so many men have mental health problems

It’s a wonder more women don’t.

@DolphinFC

No wonder so many men have mental health problems.

@Naunet
It’s a wonder more women don’t.

This.

Yes, women have less mental health problems than men, and it's because they simply CAN'T break down and go to pieces. If they do, there will be no-one to pick up the pieces and look after the children. Because in 4 out of 5 cases, the MAN sure won't do it. Men are inherently very selfish and self-serving.

I know of a few cases where the woman in a relationship/marriage has become quite ill - not mental health, but cancer and MS, and the man couldn't get away fast enough. Being a carer for her, and being responsible for the family, the home, the children, all the home admin etc, was just something he was not prepared to take on.

In each case, the man left, and was living with another woman within a few months. I remember thinking 'I hope you don't get ill luv!'

@DolphinFC

Fuck his mental health!

Has he done the hooving yet?

Did the OP say she has a horse?

'Did the OP say she has a horse?'

🤣🤣 Here's a horse for you OP...if you don't have one already

🐎

this was a decision that might have been better if it had been discussed, but it sounds like he’s a bit down in the dumps and needs support.

he was getting a shit ton of support though what with OP doing all the other stuff. All of it.
And as per her update he's been moaning on about changing his job for ages - probably since she didn't find one for him he couldn't be arsed or something.

I get it. I have stuck out jobs because of the money and the stability and so on while, at times, being nearly suicidal. The difference being that i discussed every move with my DH and he supported me to keep my mental health on track, and eventually things did get better. Jacking your job in when you already have so much support at home, dumping your wife in the shit and piling on the stress of being sole breadwinner?

Dick move.

@SionnachGlic

'Did the OP say she has a horse?'

🤣🤣 Here's a horse for you OP...if you don't have one already

🐎

@TiltTopTable well when I lost my job and had a huge mh issue my dh had to take on all this and work his long stressful job as i was a mess for a couple months and he also tried to support me , so yes some men do

You haven’t explained why you do it all.

You seem way more understanding than I would be

I think your last paragraph is quite telling; you perhaps cope with stress by throwing yourself into your work. On the other hand, he has a different coping mechanism.

I’m not saying either one is the right one, but communication is really key here. Yes he definitely should have discussed it first and yes he should be pulling his weight around the house, but there’s more underlying here.

You two need to sit down and have a talk about this disconnect. Why didn’t he feel like he could tell you? Is it because he knows your coping method is to tackle it all head on and ‘just get on with it’ and he feels embarrassed or ashamed that he can’t do the same?

Everybody copes differently and whilst I don’t condone his behaviour it seems as though things were at breaking point for him to just up and leave - he will absolutely know that’s put you in a terrible position.

A calm, rational discussion about why he left (without being angry, but just letting him explain his side) and then you explaining why that’s so frustrating for you (he has to just listen here, repaying the courtesy you showed him first) might open up some communication lines going forward.

@littlepattilou have you evsr had severe MH issues as sometimes this is what it comes to or a job that is impacting on your health
My dh jiob is making him ill and as someone who suffered a breakdown unexpectedly I can see the signs in him possibly and the other day I suggested if things don't change he should hand in his notice as no job is worth your health and money wise we would manage if we had to even if that meant benefits etc
Difference being to the OP though that we have discussed things and I support him doing this if needs ve

@DolphinFC

No wonder so many men have mental health problems.

Let’s hope the op mental health doesn’t suffer, and she needs to walk out on her job.

Fwiw op, my ex did very similar. I hated the pressure it put on me. The fact that I could rely on him for anything was a massive factor of him being an ex.

If he is suffering from mental health issues so bad he’s walked out of his job, I assume he’s got a doctors appointment lined up for tomorrow straight after nursery drop off.

Will you be handing over the housework to him, OP?

@SionnachGlic

I wouldn't be inclined to leave him over it...as some are suggesting on here...I prob would be more pissed off about doing everything else for years than this one crisis. That said, I would be annoyed if it never came up ever in recent times that he was at the max at what he could take & wanted to just quit. If he can find work that makes him happier then he needs to get on that v v fast. In the meantime I'd be having a very serious discussion about how a partnership works in terms of chores & kids...once he is back at work it is being split...until then he is doing every little bit of it. Too many on here advocate LTB ...he could be the love of your life but has his flaws (that you've allowed slide too) so as long as he is contrite about causing tgis crisis & ready to plunge headlong into next chapter, I'd be willing to allow him some time to show it...

Does that mean you've experienced what this is like?

Quite simply, the level of financial, emotional and practical pressure it puts upon one person to have this happen is too much - I know I can't do that ever again. Whilst DP was busy being unwell, I was busy being unwell and carrying the two of us. There was no space for me to have any weakness, which cost me physically, financially and emotionally. I couldn't sleep for worry. I got into debt and there were times when I had a negative balance on payday and ran out of overdraft by the following week.

I will always carry the terror that he'll walk out of work and refuse to go back because it's nicer staying at home in bed all day and then if the house is still standing, saying he's really tired and needs a rest so the vacuuming can wait for another six weeks. It took years and two big walkouts, the second two hours into the second day because somebody might say something mean to him when he was stressed about a new (voluntary) job. But the absolute worst thing to do for his MH was for him to get used to being at home instead of working. Had he kept the routine, the habits, the interaction and activity, he'd have been back in work within a short time. Staying off meant his world shrunk further and further until the outside was scary and it was easier to claim 'I'm a househusband' than admit he didn't want a job, he wanted me to pay for everything whilst he didn't have to work for a living.

A unilateral decision is a quick route to substituting a husband for a fucking cocklodger, albeit one whose need to stay in bed all day or only do what is interesting to him is justified because 'he's ill'.

@Nanny0gg he’s just never really been around to do much, he leaves for work at about 5am and returns at about 5.30pm, by which stage he’s exhausted and too ratty to do much with the kids. Until recently he finished work at about 1.30pm on a Friday and did the 3hr round trip to collect his daughter. Work again at 4/5am on Saturday until late morning then back on the road on the Sunday afternoon to drop his daughter off returning at about 6pm for it all to start again the next day.

He’s conscientious and wants to do a good job and I think as a result he’s had more and more put on to him and he’s got totally over involved in troubleshooting taking him away from his own work and meaning he has to work even more hours to keep up.

I have more flexibility with my job and work fewer hours, I also love caring for my kids so I think maybe I’ve been a bit too willing too. All the other stuff is keeping up appearances and really not wanting to appear as though we’re not managing to stay on top of housework, washing etc..

Did you guys move away from his child or did his ex move?

@Horehound his ex moved as she’d met somebody. We couldn’t move because of our jobs and the need to be close to my family to get some help with childcare etc... we also couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t just move again. This went on for about 7 years but she’s recently moved back closer to her family which is much closer to where we live.

So he got in from work at 5.30pm, and was too exhausted from his day that he couldn't do any of the childcare or housework in the evenings?

...unlike you who did all the morning childcare and a full day's work as well... just the same as him? But I guess you didn't have the option not to sort out dinner and kid's bedtimes etc, did you?

[quote worriedatthemoment]@TiltTopTable well when I lost my job and had a huge mh issue my dh had to take on all this and work his long stressful job as i was a mess for a couple months and he also tried to support me , so yes some men do [/quote]
To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship You missed the bit about it not being a new situation, ie. she's always done everything, so nothing to do with his current crisis, and I stand by what I said, a man would not do this.

Just came across this thread and it is bringing back really bad memories for me. My XH did this twice in our marriage and it has left me with terrible trust issues. Once in 2001 with a mortgage, a 9yr old and a 6yr old. Just lost his temper one day at work and told them to stick their job. Luckily found a new one soon after but by then it was fairly obvious that he had mh issues and depression causing him to the same thing in 2006 leading me to divorce him after several overdoses (him not me) and generally being really unstable. Im married again now and no longer have a mortgage or money problems and my new husband is extremely stable but i still find it very hard to trust and be completely secure in my relationship. No advice, just sending hugs, i know that feeling of anxiety when you dont know what will happen next.