Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to be angry with my husband?

126 replies

Mackmama · 12/05/2021 20:04

AIBU - I’m annoyed with my husband who has, without any discussion, walked out of his job after 6.5 years?

He’s had a tough time since returning from furlough last year, its a manufacturing job and supply chains etc have been more tricky during Covid. He seems to have taken on lots of problem solving which is causing him stress, he also works long hours.

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship.

Nursery fees have been a big financial strain but I’ve needed to pay them to keep myself in work and we’re just about coming to the end of them now with my youngest starting school in September. Finances were looking like they would be a bit better then suddenly my husband returns from work saying he just can’t do it anymore and he’s handed his keys in.

Mental health is important I get that but I’ve worked through a miscarriage, two pregnancies followed by minimal amounts of maternity leave, a cancer diagnosis and treatment and alopecia where I’ve lost every hair on my head, sometimes I didn’t want to face work but I did as I know I need to earn so I can look after my family. Is it unreasonable to expect he would stick it out while he looked for something else?

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2021 20:48

No calling himself a SAHD - to a school aged child conveniently- if it’s not agreed

MamaWeasel · 12/05/2021 20:50

I am in the minority, because I think you are being unreasonable. If he has reached HIS breaking point, he was right to get out. You have been through hell yourself by the sound of it, but it's not a competition.

Rosebel · 12/05/2021 20:50

I do have some sympathy for your husband as I know what it's like to hate your job to the point where it makes you physically and mentally ill. I suspect he's got depression and couldn't see anyway out except quitting.
That doesn't mean it's okay but it does mean that it's not as simple as being selfish. I think you need to discuss why he quit and why he didn't discuss it with you.
If it's the case he is just being a selfish git then read him the riot act
Regardless of his reasons tell him he'll be doing all the housework from now on and the childcare.
Yes he needs to get another job but that rather depends on his mental health.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/05/2021 20:51

@Aquamarine1029

Well, all of this is going to change, isn't it? He will have to get off his arse and actually do something. He can also care for your children so you don't have to pay nursery costs.

And with your free time you can do the finances and see if it will be much of a loss if you hire a solicitor and leave the selfish bum.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 12/05/2021 20:52

He has really fucked up here. There are so many ways he could have tried to deal with this that didn't involve funking you over without even a chance to discuss it. Why not see the GP and get signed off, if mental health is so bad? Why not talk to your spouse? He's just opted out of adulting, leaving you to carry the family... which is not ok.

Have you had a chance to properly talk to him yet?

DolphinFC · 12/05/2021 20:54

@LolaSmiles

DolphinFC
Do you actually think men have mental health problems because their wives get annoyed at husband quitting his job after wife has been understanding of difficult circumstances, works full time earning most of the household money, runs the household and does all the child duties?

The reasons male mental health is an issue are complex, but it's certainly not because of women.

Your clear lack of understanding is part of the problem.

No I don't think men have mental health problems because their wives get annoyed with them.

I'm saying that this particular man might be on the edge of a nervous break down and the Mumsnet verdict is "That's as maybe but he damn well better go the cleaning"

NotFrozen · 12/05/2021 20:55

I disagree with most posters. He has the right to leave his job if it isn’t working out for him.

Brefugee · 12/05/2021 20:55

Frankly, OP, and this is really harsh but here goes: you've been a bit daft about all this, haven't you?

Post after post after post about how families centre the man in the family with his important manly job bringing in the bigger pay packet and so stressfull that the lower earning wife picks up all the slack.

In your set-up HE should be the one doing all that facilititating you having good mental health and being well rested to earn the money. And yet - you're letting him get away with doing... well, what exactly?

As PP said: we all have times when we want to walk away, and i get that good MH is important. But bloody hell: line up a job first. At least speak to your partner about it. In your shoes? I'd be making it clear that he's doing EVERYTHING for at least 2 months and you'll concentrate on earning the money.

NotFrozen · 12/05/2021 20:57

Also, OP why were you doing all of those things while working full time? Why do his ironing, for example? This is not the 1950’s- you don’t have to be the house maid!

Porcupineintherough · 12/05/2021 20:57

I guess it all depends on how close to the end of his tether he was. It really makes no difference what you've been able to withstand/overcome/ work through because he's not you.

At least now you dont have to do the housework/childcare any more.

littlepattilou · 12/05/2021 21:01

@Mackmama YANBU. This would be a dealbreaker for me tbh.

Leaving a job before getting another one is a fucking stupid thing to do, when you have a home and a family, and I would be FUMING that he cared for me and the family so little that he is prepared to throw us under the bus financially.

It would be game over for me sorry...

lulujuju · 12/05/2021 21:02

I would honestly leave if my DP did this. Who does he think he is to just quit without discussing with you.

Original poster

Mackmama · 12/05/2021 21:03

I do fear for his mental health, I’d fully support him in a change of role, something with less responsibility and less income would be fine, as long as we can manage. I wish he’d done it in a different order and I think I’m just disappointed to be plunged into another crisis when it doesn’t seem like we needed to be. He’s talked about looking for something else for a while and then not done anything about it until it’s come to this. He knows he needs to work so I guess it will get sorted sooner rather than later.

OP posts:

DolphinFC · 12/05/2021 21:04

Fuck his mental health!

Has he done the hooving yet?

Msfoxy17 · 12/05/2021 21:06

I dont quite understand how his job is so demanding that you pick up all the slack and yet earn almost double?!
Is he thinking of changing industry?!

littlepattilou · 12/05/2021 21:08

@NotFrozen

I disagree with most posters. He has the right to leave his job if it isn’t working out for him.

What if SHE left hers as well?

Heyyyy why don't we ALL quit our jobs when it's 'not working for us...?'

Grown-ass adults, emotionally MATURE, sensible responsible adults with responsibilities and commitments do NOT quit their job without another one to go to.

Sciurus83 · 12/05/2021 21:12

"NotFrozen

I disagree with most posters. He has the right to leave his job if it isn’t working out for him."

I don't think anyone disagrees with this actually, its the doing it without discussion, without a backup plan, without going to the doctor and getting signed off sick with stress while he works out what he needs to do. Just anything that's not this, it's not the what it's the how and the no discussion or even warning

AnneElliott · 12/05/2021 21:18

This would also be a deal breaker for me. H doesn't like his job but he knows he needs to earn enough to pay half the bills (I'm the higher earner). No way would he quit with no new job to go to.

katy1213 · 12/05/2021 21:24

I'd be livid - and he'd better believe he's now a full-time house-husband who'll be out on his ear unless he does a good job. Your days of shopping/cleaning/cooking are now officially over.
Don't go giving him spending money, either. He lost his fun money when he walked out on his job.

GabsAlot · 12/05/2021 21:28

Of course anyone has a right to leave their job after theyve discussed it with their partner and worked out what to do next

not just up and leave when he has children to look after

TiltTopTable · 12/05/2021 21:30

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage can you imagine any man doing this? Please OP, we teach others how to treat us. What has your DH learned?

Original poster

Mackmama · 12/05/2021 21:31

I wish he would have a change of industry @Msfoxy17 I’d support him as much as I could to retrain in something else, he didn’t get much support when he was young and hasn’t many qualifications so his options are a bit limited. I can see if he does get another job doing something similar the same problems and stresses he has now will reoccur. My job is in the public sector so my conditions are pretty good, I do work full time but I get a bit of flexibility and my managers have always been brilliant which I’m really grateful for.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 12/05/2021 21:33

If he hasn't walked out of a job before or been dramatic changes then I'd actually be very worried about him. Make dr appointment asap.

Jumpingjackflash29 · 12/05/2021 21:42

@DolphinFC

No wonder so many men have mental health problems.

This. It does sound like this was a decision that might have been better if it had been discussed, but it sounds like he’s a bit down in the dumps and needs support. It’s not about scoring points on who does what, it’s about giving everyone in a relationship what they need. If you arnt getting what you need (maybe you’re not if you’re doing all the housework ect) then you probably need to talk to him about that too.

BlowDryRat · 12/05/2021 21:50

I'd be furious. He should have either had another job lined up first or discussed, planned and agreed his plan with you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6