AIBU to be angry with my husband?

[Mackmama]

AIBU - I’m annoyed with my husband who has, without any discussion, walked out of his job after 6.5 years?

He’s had a tough time since returning from furlough last year, its a manufacturing job and supply chains etc have been more tricky during Covid. He seems to have taken on lots of problem solving which is causing him stress, he also works long hours.

To facilitate his job I do all picking up, dropping off, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, household finances etc and I also work full time myself earning nearly double my husbands wage - this isn’t new and has been this way throughout or relationship.

Nursery fees have been a big financial strain but I’ve needed to pay them to keep myself in work and we’re just about coming to the end of them now with my youngest starting school in September. Finances were looking like they would be a bit better then suddenly my husband returns from work saying he just can’t do it anymore and he’s handed his keys in.

Mental health is important I get that but I’ve worked through a miscarriage, two pregnancies followed by minimal amounts of maternity leave, a cancer diagnosis and treatment and alopecia where I’ve lost every hair on my head, sometimes I didn’t want to face work but I did as I know I need to earn so I can look after my family. Is it unreasonable to expect he would stick it out while he looked for something else?

*NC
Your situation sounds tough, good luck OP

My wife did something very similar.
She couldn’t cope with her job, which I would describe pretty demanding to be fair. (We both work in the same industry, doing very similar jobs. We earn exactly the same and until then had pretty evenly divided jobs in the house.)
I ended up having to pick up the slack in the house as she found a lot of it overwhelming to cope with the job too. She came home one day and said she had decided (and given notice) that she was now going to work part time. There was no discussion, this was just what she said she needed to do for herself. I was not happy about this but did support her. At the time, I can remember telling a friend that I thought this was a very selfish act because we both knew the financial strain we were under.
I did not speak to her about this, as I didn’t want to cause her further stress. Unfortunately, in real terms, this dropped our combined household income by 25%, which doesn’t sound like much, but when you have an allocated budget that was 25% that we didn’t really have to play with. To compensate, in addition to all the house stuff, I picked up a lot of overtime to keep us financially afloat. I will not lie, this was a pretty hectic time for me.
Fast forward 8 months and she is now much much better, able to go back to work full time in a safe and mentally sustainable way, in a slightly altered role. Even though, this was a difficult 8 months, I am so glad I supported her during this period and she also often says the same. She has struggled to manage some of the household jobs we had previously divided so I am still taking most of the work here, but things are improving.
This might not be the exact same situation for you, but point is that in the end, even though I thought her actions were selfish, it was probably the right thing for her to do at that time. And looking back, I’m actually really glad she had the insight to see what was negatively affecting her, and the courage to do something about it.
Hopefully things will work out for you OP

He gets home at 5:30? I get home at 8 often, so kids are nearly in bed. I do a couple of hours of dishes tidying washing then some more work before bed. Cannot compute someone gets home at 5:30... so can’t do housework. Anyway, as of yesterday he does everything surely? You really don’t seem to be replying on this.

If he was in a highly stressed state he should have telephoned his GP to discuss the issue and been signed off to relieve the pressure while he discussed what he would do with you. He had this option but refused to take it. I would be furious with him.

I wonder if the responses would be different if the OP had posted that he'd taken his own life because he couldn't cope
We have no idea what goes on in someone's head.
Get him to the GP

He isn’t bringing much to the party
Doesn’t earn much money
Doesn’t do any housework or childcare
Now he’s quit his job without any discussion
Sounds like a loser

He sounds on the edge and you already have concerns for his mental health .
For those people slagging him off for being exhausted but gets in from work at 5.30pm have you missed the bit where it says he leaves the house at 5am so he must but up at 4.4/30 in the morning .

Too late now but think it would of been better if OP would of put partner1/partner2 instead of DH/DW as soon as some posters see DH he's automatically wrong and a twat .

Has your DH told you the whole truth? What you describe is him literally walking out of a job after 6.5 years. What about his notice period? Has he kept it from you that he's planned this and has already served his notice? Otherwise it's breach of contract - presumably he has some level of seniority in his role, so it isn't a trivial matter to have walked out of a job without serving his notice.

He could have gone to his GP and been signed off sick if he was stressed, not just walk out.

He needs to call in today and try to retrieve the situation with his line manager, by apologising and saying he is going to immediately seek medical attention and get signed off sick. Under these circumstances his public sector employer is far more likely to accommodate his immediate mental health crisis and support his needs than if he were in the private sector.

No point throwing recriminations at him, best to try and recover the situation and get things back on track.

Is he going to the gp? Get him there urgently.

@daisychain01

Has your DH told you the whole truth? What you describe is him literally walking out of a job after 6.5 years. What about his notice period? Has he kept it from you that he's planned this and has already served his notice? Otherwise it's breach of contract - presumably he has some level of seniority in his role, so it isn't a trivial matter to have walked out of a job without serving his notice.

He could have gone to his GP and been signed off sick if he was stressed, not just walk out.

He needs to call in today and try to retrieve the situation with his line manager, by apologising and saying he is going to immediately seek medical attention and get signed off sick. Under these circumstances his public sector employer is far more likely to accommodate his immediate mental health crisis and support his needs than if he were in the private sector.

No point throwing recriminations at him, best to try and recover the situation and get things back on track.

He doesn't work in the public sector. The OP does

@rwalker

He sounds on the edge and you already have concerns for his mental health . For those people slagging him off for being exhausted but gets in from work at 5.30pm have you missed the bit where it says he leaves the house at 5am so he must but up at 4.4/30 in the morning .

Too late now but think it would of been better if OP would of put partner1/partner2 instead of DH/DW as soon as some posters see DH he's automatically wrong and a twat .

Well said, and if his ex moved away, it's on her to bring his daughter to him not the other way round.

Ask him to email his boss and get him signed off on the sick until he is better, hopefully they will keep his job and pay sick pay until he is feeling better, get him to the GP, his health is more important atm.

@NotFrozen

I disagree with most posters. He has the right to leave his job if it isn’t working out for him.

not when it affects his wife and child no ! iv got the right to leave my job that i hate ,but i wont because my 12 year old dd would be fucked , hes only done it because hes relying on his wife to carry him and its not on

@Newkitchen123

I wonder if the responses would be different if the OP had posted that he'd taken his own life because he couldn't cope We have no idea what goes on in someone's head. Get him to the GP

No, I'd have been just as fucked over financially and had a funeral to pay for in top.

The lack pf respect comes from not speaking to you beforehand, if he had said he was nearly over the edge I'm sure as his wife you would have supported him, maybe to take some time off sick or help with looking for another job. As it stands he leaves everything to you and now the stress of being the sole earner too.

Only you know if he is worth the effort but a man who continually puts himself first is not a partner in any sense of the word. Ask him to seek help from his gp for his mental health and that as he is no longer working you need him to pick up more of the house admin, so pick ups and drop offs are now his job alongside wither cleaning or cooking. In light of his mental health it might be worth seeing if things improve over the next few weeks or months but it is down to you, you really need to have an open, honest sitt down conversation otherwise the resentment will just build.

@neverdropyourmooncup
What a lovely response.

I speak as someone who has been widowed

@Newkitchen123 my error re public sector.

My advice still applied, he needs to contact his employer pdq.

I disagree with most posters. He has the right to leave his job if it isn’t working out for him.

He is a married man, with a wife and children. With rights come responsibilities. The trouble with the move towards more acceptance of MH problems is that it seems to give people license to throw in the towel without any attempt to do it in a way that doesn't put a bomb under their life, finances and the wellbeing of the people in their life.

I wonder if the responses would be different if the OP had posted that he'd taken his own life because he couldn't cope
We have no idea what goes on in someone's head.
Get him to the GP

For fuck sake 🙄 and what about OPs mental health? Do you think women are just support bots for men? How does she cope with this? Does he need to get her to a doctor, or is that women’s work? He’s a grown man with a wife and children, if he was struggling that much (and we have nothing to suggest right now that this is anything more than general work stress), he should do something about it other than dumping yet more onto OP.

Naunet
1st rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do

I can't believe there are actually people on this thread suggesting that the OP is unreasonable for being annoyed that in addition to already working and doing almost everything in the house to facilitate his job, she is now the sole earner because he quit his job.

She also said in her OP that this isn't new and her doing everything on top of working has been the case throughout their relationship. This isn't a short term change in character for her DH. He's been content for OP to so everything for years.

I’d be livid. I don’t know any people that love their job and could really do without the stress. You can’t just quit with no discussion or forward planning.

I'm not saying it's her responsibility. I'm not saying she doesn't have a lot on. If course she does! The housework and childcare conversation should have been done a long time ago!
I'm saying that someone who works those kind of hours and travels that kind of distance every week does not just opt out of adulting. He needs to talk to someone. She needs help. They need to talk to each other. People saying I cope with ABC so he should be able to cope with XYZ doesn't really help the situation.

Is it possible something has happened in work and he went before he was pushed. From a CV point of view, leaving is better than being sacked.

He does need to talk to someone.
He doesn't just get to quit his job and expect his partner (who is already working full time and has been doing everything at home for years) to prop him up indefinitely.

Would he have walked out on his job if he didn't feel confident someone else would be paying the bills and running the house and looking after the family? I doubt it.

The OP isn't unreasonable for being annoyed by his actions.

Not rift

Just from the OP I can see a considerable lack of self-care on either parties tbh. Having had a breakdown in part due to work I can understand the husband's POV, but OP is also heading to disaster too. They need to have a proper talk about everything. They might need to make dramatic changes. I mean. the husband already has, but he should have run it by the OP first. That said, I can see too much stress going on, which cannot be good for the family. Hard decisions need to be made.

@Newkitchen123

I wonder if the responses would be different if the OP had posted that he'd taken his own life because he couldn't cope We have no idea what goes on in someone's head. Get him to the GP

I suppose she’d think I earnt most of the money to support us, did all the housework all the cooking and the parenting and supported him to work and to spend 100x as much time with his other children as he did with his children with me and he still didn’t seek any help for himself so if his mental health were that bad, well I’m only human too and that was my limit, I couldn’t do any more for him.

@Sciurus83

His reasons are his wife earns twice as much and does ALL the housework, she will pick up the slack like she always does.

Yeh this is really crap OP. Now thats not to say anyone should stay in a job that is making them unwell, but good god you discuss that decision with your partner before just doing it and putting everyone in the shit.

Op, he's no prize.

All he has to do is work outside the home YOU do EVERYTHING else and he couldn't even do that.

He sounds like a selfish waster OP.

God help getting stuck with such a dud.

Protect yourself.
You have a long hard life ahead of you with him.
🙄

[quote Newkitchen123]@neverdropyourmooncup
What a lovely response.

I speak as someone who has been widowed[/quote]
Not lovely, practical. After all, it wasn't as if I was able to be emotional or upset about anything at the time, as I was tasked with being the one who kept everything going, no matter the effect upon my mental and physical health.

Because you don't have any choice about it, you have to cope, don't you?

@neverdropyourmooncup
As the saying goes you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option.

I wasn't widowed through suicide but through illness and if I wrote down what we both went through and later what I went through on my own i would wonder how I coped.

I've had people talk about their issues and then say oh I shouldn't be saying this as it's nothing compared to what you went through. No it's not. Not for that person. And that's what matters! Everyone deals with things in their own way. And some people cope with more than others. That doesn't make the other person weak