DM and her wishes for when she dies

Tbh, I don't think the "after" someone dies situation is for their benefit, it's for the people left behind.

So I'd nod and smile, then bury them as you see fit and for your convenience.

Unless she has something in her will specifying that she shouldn't be buried with DF id do what you want. She won't know, she'll be dead.

Do you tell her that it's not appropriate or fair on you to talk to you this way and treat you like her counsellor?

What kind of verbal aggression? Would you say he is abusive? How does your dad feel about your mum. You mention that she "hates" him so does he know or does he think everything is ok?

I have no idea what I would do and would hate to be stuck in the middle but I think maybe I would be telling my mum that if she is unhappy she needs to leave and offering to help her get set up on her own. I don't see why it's such a big deal to have your parents buried separately but I think it would be right for her to mention it to him in advance. How do you think he would react?

What kind of verbal aggression? Would you say he is abusive? How does your dad feel about your mum. You mention that she "hates" him so does he know or does he think everything is ok?

I have no idea what I would do and would hate to be stuck in the middle but I think maybe I would be telling my mum that if she is unhappy she needs to leave and offering to help her get set up on her own. I don't see why it's such a big deal to have your parents buried separately but I think it would be right for her to mention it to him in advance. How do you think he would react?

Has she bought the plot next to your grandparents? Because I think there is your answer.

Of course you should respect her wishes. You'd be happy burying her with someone who makes her feel like shit just because it's more convenient for you? Won't you feel awful everytime you visit the grave knowing she doesn't want to be there? Put them in the same cemetery but different plots, it won't make your life that much more difficult.

If she dies first then unless it’s specified in her will or she’s booked everything with the undertakers then I’d have thought your dad as NOK would decide and arrange it.

Of course you should respect her wishes. You'd be happy burying her with someone who makes her feel like shit just because it's more convenient for you? Won't you feel awful everytime you visit the grave knowing she doesn't want to be there? Put them in the same cemetery but different plots, it won't make your life that much more difficult.

I'd respect her wishes. He might die first and once she dies you just bury her with her parents. If she dies first it might be more difficult as your father might not respect her wishes, so not much you can do in that instance.

Has she bought the plot next to your grandparents? Because I think there is your answer

Assuming your grandparents were buried years ago she might be able to fit into the plot. I know in Ireland it would be possible to be buried on top of a previous coffin but as far as I know there is a minimum number of years that the previous coffin needs to have been there.

Tell her to put her wishes in writing and you could keep the instructions in a sealed envelope at your house so there are no doubts when the time comes.

It is a moot point unless she owns a plot with her mother and father. A lot of the older graveyards are full up so it is not always possible to buy one when the time comes.

Why wouldn't you respect her wishes? Not wanting to visit 2 graves seems lame. Your annoyed and possibly angry with her but there's 2 sides to that marriage and if she talks about divorce but doesn't do it she may be scared or intimidated. When people die you can do whatever the hell you like but she's your Mum who stayed at home to bring you you up. Couldn't you let have one wish?

1. stop being your mother's counsellor. I've been there so I know how impossible it makes it to be a daughter to either of your parents if you're also trying to be counsellor. Encourage her to seek a paid counsellor, make some boundaries for your conversations with her.
   
   
2. I don't want to visit two graves for my parents - sorry this is a non-issue.
   
   
3. your DM can and should lay out her wishes for her own body in her will. She can't determine what happens to your father. Has he made a will?

You'd be happy burying her with someone who makes her feel like shit just because it's more convenient for you? Won't you feel awful everytime you visit the grave knowing she doesn't want to be there?

She'll be DEAD. Thats the whole point of graves. She won't want or feel anything because she will be dead! Nod and smile and say yes mum, and when she dies, give her the funeral that works for you.

I’m not really sure why it’s an issue for them to be buried in separate graves; they could still be in the same graveyard surely just different graves? Why is visiting different graves an issue?

I am sorry but she should be allowed to choose how she is buried - why would you not want to respect her wishes?

Staying out of it isn't an option without going NC but I love my parents

Actually it can be an option in that you could choose to disengage from the "counselling", or better still suggest she sees a professional on her own
You'll still get the moaning no doubt, but there's nothing to stop you simply changing the subject or downright refusing to be drawn into what is, after all, their mess

As for the burial wishes, tell her to record these in her will, then come the time do whatever you decide is best

Feather 12 raises a good point; burial plots are at a premium these days, so unless she already has a spot booked, it may not be possible to carry out her wishes anyway (unless the plan is to add her coffin to their grave).
If you go for the cremation option when your DF's time comes, you could scatter his ashes in, for example, the Garden of Remembrance next to the graveyard.
Have you asked her what her plans would be, were he to predecease her? Without wanting to sound gloomy, there are more widows than widowers around.....

Is there room in the DGF/DGM grave for her coffin to fit (or will she be cremated and ashes buried there)? I know there was room for DAunt and her DB to both be buried in their DPs' grave, but both DC's had to have flat tops to be able to make it happen, for example.

How likely is it that DF, as her NOK, would outlive her and be organising the funeral/burial arrangements? If she outlives him, there is no issue as she can have a separate grave for him and make arrangements for herself; otherwise, she might need to talk to him ahead of time to let him know her wishes.

If she is that adamant about it, you could suggest she also needs to talk to your DSis at least, so that both her DCs know and understand her perspective. But maybe she needs to have it put back to her that if she has not taken any steps to divorce, but really wants this to happen, she might like to talk to a solicitor or to a funeral director in order to put her affairs in suitable order so that this can happen. But also point out to her that, despite their differences, they have a long-standing union that has resulted in both of you, and you don't want to have to deal with the fallout of her actions once she's gone if she has not put the steps in place herself. As you probably will have to deal with significant fallout even if she HAS put the steps in place herself and you are just giving final agreement to/approval of plans already made.

If she has it all booked and paid for in advance, guess she can go wherever she pleases. What a shame she feels she has to die before she can live as she likes.
It would be very mean to go against her wishes.

Point out you won’t be the only one making decisions at a difficult time, so she should specify her wishes in her will.

But yeah, I’d follow her wishes.

* Of course you should respect her wishes. You'd be happy burying her with someone who makes her feel like shit just because it's more convenient for you?*

^This. Why would you do this to your mum?

She needs to write down her wishes in her will and nominate you as the executor, and that way you can carry out her wishes without a problem.

However, she needs to look at why they are still married. If there's no love between them and they argue a lot, what's the point? They could live separately and presumably they'd both be happier.

I'd not think about it until she's dead.
Tell her 'Of course' for now.

If it were me, I'd push her to consider cremation and her ashes to go in a garden of remembrance or a woodland, rather than a grave. That sidesteps the whole problem.

Or is burial a religious requirement for her?

I don’t see the difference between visiting two graves with grandparents in one grave and parents in the other, or two graves with grandparents plus mum in one grave and dad in the other. Also don’t know why you’d ignore a loved one’s last wishes after everything they’ve done for you?

Your DM can and should lay out her wishes for her own body in her will. She can't determine what happens to your father.

This. I'd be inclined to reassure that you will do your best to follow her wishes but in all honesty it will depend on who goes first and all manner of other circumstances.

I appreciate it's tricky. My mum has had my nan's ashes stashed in a cupboard for nearly 40 years and wants them buried with her when the time comes.

It's looking as though my dad will predecease her and she's mentioned having his ashes in there too.

He and my mum are no Romeo and Juliet and he and my nan actively disliked one another so there is no way that will be happening.

Luckily I have no siblings to consult on the matter.