“ I genuinely have only seen all this talk of financial vulnerability and what if your husband buggers off on here. “
Well exactly.
When we moved into this house pre-lockdown, I met a few neighbours after I temporarily lost the cat, so I invited people over for coffee. It was something like a Thursday morning and from ten houses up the road one way and the same on the other, pretty much they all came over. I assume they’re all SAH women as they’re all available in the day, but who knows? The point is, nobody asks and nobody cares!
There are women I’ve known for years at the school gates. Four kids in three different schools so it’s a a lot of people since reception. Again, I assume they’re SAH as they’re there, but they could be doing anything between 9 and 3 for all I know. But nobody cares. There are some mums who work and again, nobody cares or thinks a thing of it. It’s never crossed my mind as to who is financially more vulnerable than who.
I know two people who are divorced - that’s it. The one who is a SAHM is much better off than the one who worked / works. The one who was a SAHM... her husband who was a few years younger than her, ran off with an older woman. Obviously my friend was devastated and she was seriously ill for a while. But financially, she’s still in the house and he gave that to her and he still pays the school fees as they’re still his kids. The new woman ended up leaving him because he expected her to do his childcare on his weekends. Since then he’s had some form of breakdown. My friend has returned to work part/time and is fine with a new partner.
My other friend who was known for a quite niche thing on TV, has slowly ;over a decade or so) redeveloped from flats a townhouse in the Chelsea area which, if she was still in it today, would be worth probably 7 million. She is now in a rental flat and really struggling because her ex- banker husband got her to re-mortgage the house to prevent his various positions being stopped out on the City Index and they lost everything and more.
I don’t know why people can’t grasp that a single income is less significant to “financial security” than the overall financial set-up you are in. Ok, if you’re on a massive income, fair enough. But maybe your mortgage is huge because you’ve overstretched there? Maybe the family with the SAHM nextdoor has assets you don’t have? Maybe they have no mortgage, fewer kids, no school fees to cover, more savings? Maybe that couple with the SAHM receive income from other properties or investment schemes snd she knows ex’s tot where she stands financially (perhaps better than you) and she knows could survive pretty well, even if they split. This is precisely why she is a SAHM! She’s not a dimwit - quite the opppsite. Maybe she has a job that is relatively easy to pick up again? Maybe not because she wouldn’t need one?
Basically all families do what they can afford. Anything they can’t afford is a “risk.” If they can afford a SAHM, then that’s an option. It is not an option for most families because most in 2021 need two incomes. So you have to assume, that, for the small proportion of families where a woman (or msn) is a SAH, these couples have decided that this is feasible for a year, two years, indefinitely, or whatever the case may be. If they can’t afford it, they wouldn’t be doing it (or certainly they wouldn’t be doing it for long). So please credit people with the intelligence to have have done their own cost / benefit analysis. Exactly the same as the cost / benefit analysis you did when deciding what job to take and is the pay worth the hours. You came up with your solution and they came up with theirs. Same process, just different outcomes.
Yes there will be fine women who can’t afford to go to to work because the cost of childcare is too high. Again, their decision. If they are low income, the job was not likely to be a high powered career-type job and so they figure they will take a couple of years out and then just get some form of job later. They do their cost / benefit analysis and decide the benefits outweigh the costs.
If you have a disabled child you may not give a hoot about financial security down the lines because you have more pressing worries which take precedence.
Some women may be in financially abusive relationships but this applies to women who work as well. If you are a SAHM in a financially abusive relationship, getting a job will not end the abuse because he will likely take your money and misuse it anyway. Some low paid job might marginally help you to leave, but you still have to pay for childcare in that event and also it’s unlikely to cover rent. That type of DH will make sure you’re screwed over regardless.