to think it shouldn’t be on my daughter to delete her social media?

[Daytimetellysucks]

DD (16) had some issues with a boy in her class. He had a crush on her, he asked DD out, she said no (not interested/she already has a boyfriend).

The boy took it badly and seemed to see her as some kind of challenge and subjected her to some wildly inappropriate behaviour, both online and in real life.

DD would block him, and he’d either create new accounts or use someone else’s phone to continue to message her or he would hang around outside our house hiding behind the bushes until she left for school or something.

I warned him off, DH warned him off, all her friends and her boyfriend warned him off, even her big sister and her boyfriend had words (and DD1 is enough to scare anyone) but he was completely obsessed.

Due to some additional needs that DD has, she has a mentor in school so we spoke to the mentor who had words at school, and we reported it to the police.

The police were great, spoke with school and visited him at home with his parents and warned him about his behaviour. He was clearly told that if he contacted her again, either directly or indirectly, he would be arrested.

All good. Her mentors have kept a close eye on it at school and all has been well for the last few weeks

Until this weekend. He sent DD a nasty, abusive message from a different number, and she then started getting some grief from a couple of his friends. DD blocked them all again.

I contacted the police again, gave then the original crime reference number so they had all the history and sent over screen shots of all the messages.

Their response - we can’t do anything, tell DD to change her number and delete all her social media.

We’re in the process of getting a new number, but she doesn’t want to delete her social media accounts, especially while we’re still in lockdown and she’s not allowed friends/her boyfriend over

She doesn’t post photos or anything like that but her friendship group all use Instagram DMs, group Facebook messenger and chats on WhatsApp. Her and her friends use WhatsApp video calls and revise together, she’s in a group video call and group chats for an Xbox game she plays so if she deletes all her social media she’ll end up cut off from all this.

I’ve gone back and asked for the original officers who dealt with it to look at it again - they’re on rest days at the moment so am waiting for them to contact me

Hopefully, once she’s changed her number they won’t be able to contact her via WhatsApp and stuff, but she hasn’t actually done anything wrong here so she shouldn’t have to remove herself from social media

There is an feature in the i newspaper today called "How I stopped the stalker I met on an dating app". The author met someone via OLD and he rapidly turned into a stalker. She reported him to the police who were not interested. She blocked him on all SM platforms and tightened up her security, so he turned to harassing her friends and family as well as contacting her employer. One person he contacted and harassed was a Police Officer and suddenly the Police were interested - surprise, surprise. He was prosecuted ,found guilty and she got a protection from stalking order.
She had a lot of assistance from the Tech Abuse Team at Refuge, might be worth a call to see if they are able to help your DD. Refuge Helpline number 0808 2000247 or Refuge Tech Safety Website www.RefugeTechSafety.org

These people might be worth a call too:

paladinservice.co.uk/

The founder is ex Scotland Yard and is on a podcast I listen too. My daughter will contact them when she next feels the need.

Sorry, should have said, it's a stalking advocacy service.

I would be concerned that if he couldn’t find on her SM anymore would he step up other methods to harass her? Ie physical stalking or similar. Deleting her accounts doesn’t solve the problem, because the problem is HIM not her. Disgusting response from the police 😡

DD is definitely going to give hers, but she says the other girl is quite nervous about it

They are brave young women. Can you say thank you to them from many many other women. They are doing something tremendous - I know that sounds OTT, but they need to know that by reporting & making statements, they are looking out for other women and girls, even if they don't know it.

Courage calls to courage!

I cant get past the parents, honestly. We go off on one about teaching our girls to stick up for themselves, bodily autonomy, consent, respect etc but it's all for nothing unless we teach our boys the same. What the fuck are this boys parents playing at.

This is terrifying and is like the case of the girl stabbed by schoolboy who was harassing her. Kick up a fuss and get the police involved again. Make complaints. It's totally unacceptable

It's victim blaming in many ways. Same principle as telling a person whose house has been robbed that they should have locked their door or a woman who being sexually harassed that she should wear longer skirt. Wrong on all levels.

Thanks all

DD has been having a major wobble the last couple of days so I’m not really sure where to go now.

She was supposed to give her statement after school on Friday but has ended up having a total breakdown about it so we’ve stepped back a little bit.

The boy has been spreading around school that DD is mad, she made false accusations, that his parents have reported her to the police and they’re going to arrest her, that his parents have got him a lawyer, that she needs to apologise, yadda, yadda , yadda.

She’s frightened and wishes she’d never said anything in the first place - she’s got 2 weeks left in school and just wants to get her head down, finish her assessments and forget all about it.

School and the police are being very supportive. They’ve reassured her she’s not in any trouble, that she’s definitely not going to be arrested, the officer has reminded her they saw all the stuff on her phone and took the action they did based on what they saw and that they consider this behaviour a continuation of the harassment.

For now, we’ve stepped back and taken the pressure off her, the police are looking into what they can do without her statement and school are supporting her and keeping a very close eye on the situation

I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry in my life, I want to kill him

Can the police do anything regarding the lies he is spreading?

It is more harassment of her.
Poor girl.
Just awful.

Bloody hell OP. I have nothing useful to add but obviously you did the right thing. It must be awful for DD right now but you've taught her to stick up for herself and hopefully sent this ridiculous boy and his family a message too.

It’s the parents I’d be furious with @Daytimetellysucks. What sort of people can they be?

Parents of boys have a tough job, but they are key in stopping this kind of misogyny.

Well he’s learning fast isn’t he?

One of the men that abused me used to go to therapy, not for therapy but for victims, because someone with mental health issues is already much easier to label ‘crazy’ should they reach out to anyone for help over his abuse of them.

Whoever this lad is he is learning these MO’s from someone with experience and they are every bit as culpable imo. I really hope the police are able to act against both because grooming the young to become abusers often lets serial abusers get away scot free to create more abusers and subsequent victims. This shit needs stopped at source.

Randoms on the internet won’t mean much to your DD but I for one am in awe of her strength and fortitude at her young age and your support of her.

I hope action will be taken by police, school and friends to support your DD, the other girl(s) involved, to sanction/rehabilitate the boy and find out if someone has been grooming him to abuse.

He doesn’t sound smart enough to have thought of some of these tactics himself.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you maybe need to be a bit tougher here.
She's 16. Almost an adult, and she is going to have to toughen up to get on well in the world as a woman. And she needs to learn that the system isnt designed to women in these situation, we need to help ourselves by staying the course and pushing through with whatever course of action is necessary.

Of course be supportive, let her cry, be there for all of that. But also tell her that she needs to be tough here and she needs to help herself by getting in with it, otherwise this boy gets away with it.

It's not a nice lesson to learn as a woman, but she is going to learn it one way or another. She needs to be strong if she wants to get on in the world.

@billy1966

Can the police do anything regarding the lies he is spreading?

It is more harassment of her.
Poor girl.
Just awful.

Unfortunately defamation like that is not a criminal matter, so the police wouldn't act. It's a civil matter for the victim to take up herself. Unless the original poster is prepared to go to court herself to apply for an injunction, and possibly damages, there's not much to be done.

@Sacreblue I completely agree. He's being taught this by someone.

Given his parent's attitude and their "take her from her boyfriend" statement I think we all know what's going on at home. He doesn't stand a chance if this kind of behaviour is being condoned and encouraged by his own parents.

And so the cycle continues.

Thanks all

He definitely knows what buttons to press.

DD does have issues with her mental health and the last year has been horrendous - she’s mad, she’s crazy

She’s ugly, why would I ask her out? She wishes

She’s fat anyway - she’s not, she’s tiny but this one has pushed lots of buttons

I was just being kind, I felt sorry for her

She’s lying, we’ve reported her to the police, complained to school, got a lawyer, etc, etc.

Tbh, from what I understand, his behaviour has gone down like a bucket of cold sick with the rest of her year at school.

This only reared it’s head on Thursday evening, I think she needs a few days to panic, cry and just generally stress her head off about the whole thing, then she’ll calm down, listen to reason and logic, realise that her classmates and the police and her friends all believe her and will then go and give her statement.

That is the classic abuser script. He's spotted her vulnerabilities and then used them against her.

Amazing how young they learn to do this, especially when encouraged at home

I'm really pleased her year group aren't tolerating his behaviour. He's obviously not bothered by police involvement so maybe trial and judgement by his peers will make him rethink his actions.

Well done to your DD. She's doing a great thing not only for herself but for other girls and women who unfortunately experience abuse.

I work in the area and am supervising a now adult (was a child when the offence was committed) for stalking and malicious comms . More can be done

Sorry op. I posted, and your thread has moved on. Your poor daughter. I hope she has a good outcome and he gets the scare of his life from the police

Should the school not have excluded the boy, at least for now?

I don’t condone this, but something similar happened to one of my cousins. Albeit she was a bit older. He did the whole bushes outside her house thing etc. The only thing that worked was her Uncle basically threatening to break his legs with a metal bar if her came near her again. She never heard from him from that moment on, I’m not condone it but sometimes a sharp shock like that is the only thing that will work when the police won’t do their job properly.

The police should have a designated officer who’s role it is to oversee how stalking cases are dealt with and ensure correct procedures are followed, I’ve had contact with them through my work but can’t remember what they’re called but it’s worth asking for the name of your forces.

You could also think about applying for a non-molestation order which is like a civil version of a restraining order.

I would encourage your daughter to give a statement but there’s no hurry. Sounds as though the boy could do with some early (ish) intervention, the best chance of him receiving this would be through the probation services.

She knows he's doing all this to STOP her giving a statement. Please explain to her that giving this Statement helps create a footprint of his behaviour, so that in time when he does this to others, the footprint is there. It needs to be on record, otherwise he will get away with treating people like this forever.

Please help her find the strength and courage to give her Statement. 🌸

@BiscoffAddict

I don’t condone this, but something similar happened to one of my cousins. Albeit she was a bit older. He did the whole bushes outside her house thing etc. The only thing that worked was her Uncle basically threatening to break his legs with a metal bar if her came near her again. She never heard from him from that moment on, I’m not condone it but sometimes a sharp shock like that is the only thing that will work when the police won’t do their job properly.

I certainly don't condone violence but I certainly wouldn't judge another parent who's child was being harassed and wasn't getting any tangible action.

Sometimes nasty little bullies need a dose of harassment themselves.