to think it shouldn’t be on my daughter to delete her social media?

[Daytimetellysucks]

DD (16) had some issues with a boy in her class. He had a crush on her, he asked DD out, she said no (not interested/she already has a boyfriend).

The boy took it badly and seemed to see her as some kind of challenge and subjected her to some wildly inappropriate behaviour, both online and in real life.

DD would block him, and he’d either create new accounts or use someone else’s phone to continue to message her or he would hang around outside our house hiding behind the bushes until she left for school or something.

I warned him off, DH warned him off, all her friends and her boyfriend warned him off, even her big sister and her boyfriend had words (and DD1 is enough to scare anyone) but he was completely obsessed.

Due to some additional needs that DD has, she has a mentor in school so we spoke to the mentor who had words at school, and we reported it to the police.

The police were great, spoke with school and visited him at home with his parents and warned him about his behaviour. He was clearly told that if he contacted her again, either directly or indirectly, he would be arrested.

All good. Her mentors have kept a close eye on it at school and all has been well for the last few weeks

Until this weekend. He sent DD a nasty, abusive message from a different number, and she then started getting some grief from a couple of his friends. DD blocked them all again.

I contacted the police again, gave then the original crime reference number so they had all the history and sent over screen shots of all the messages.

Their response - we can’t do anything, tell DD to change her number and delete all her social media.

We’re in the process of getting a new number, but she doesn’t want to delete her social media accounts, especially while we’re still in lockdown and she’s not allowed friends/her boyfriend over

She doesn’t post photos or anything like that but her friendship group all use Instagram DMs, group Facebook messenger and chats on WhatsApp. Her and her friends use WhatsApp video calls and revise together, she’s in a group video call and group chats for an Xbox game she plays so if she deletes all her social media she’ll end up cut off from all this.

I’ve gone back and asked for the original officers who dealt with it to look at it again - they’re on rest days at the moment so am waiting for them to contact me

Hopefully, once she’s changed her number they won’t be able to contact her via WhatsApp and stuff, but she hasn’t actually done anything wrong here so she shouldn’t have to remove herself from social media

[littlepattilou]

@Daytimetellysucks Can't add anything to all the good advice already posted, but I am SOOOOOOOOO with you here. I sympathise totally, as my daughter went through similar in the late noughties. (When she was in her mid teens..) A group of 4 horrible bullies turned against her - over a boy! The boy liked my DD, (but she wasn't interested in him,) and this other girl liked him (but he didn't like the other girl!)

Apparently it was my DD's fault. So the girl got 3 other girls to hound her on social facebook... and joined in herself. Proper bullying, goading, telling lies about her etc. When we complained to the Head, all he did was tell my DD to delete facebook, so she didn't have to see the comments!

Hilarious!

Fortunately, it blew over after a few weeks, and the girls fell out with someone else over an alleged stolen blackberry phone.

DD didn't delete her facebook btw, she just blocked them, and changed her privacy settings.

We were disgusted though, by the nonchalant attitude of the Head Teacher. Yeah by cancelling facebook, DD wouldn't see the nasty things these girls were saying, but the bloody comments would still be there! (For everyone else to see.)

I said to the Head 'what if I said on facebook that your wife is a nasty little thief who shoplifts from the stores in town?' You AND her would be fuming, and understandably so. When you confront me and demand I take the comments down, what if I say just delete your facebook so you won't have to see the comments then. How stupid would that be? Because everyone ELSE can see still them!' He just frowned and said nothing. Fucking idiot.

The girls never said my DD was shoplifting btw, that was just an example. I won't say what they did say... But yeah you do have my sympathy, you really do...

[mumwon]

point out to police about your dd special needs & as such it is victimization of a disabled person (you may or may not want to push this but disability is something they have to take into account)

[BreatheAndFocus]

No, she shouldn’t have to delete her SM. In an ideal world it would be him who’s banned from SM. Certainly he should be banned from contacting your DD directly or indirectly via friends.

What struck me is that he was visited by the police, stopped for a few weeks, but is now doing it again despite that police visit. Is he just incredibly immature and thick, or is there something else? It sounds nasty and worrying.

I hope you get proper support from the original police and I hope something is done to stop him. What a vindictive, insecure boy he is - horrible. His parents sound pathetic too.

[SkodaKodiaq]

@DIshedUp

She should be able to set her SM to private so no one but her friends can message her. She can also set it so she has to add friends and so she's not searchable to people outside fb. Id also do a clear out of her friends list to make sure theree no one there she doesn't want messaging her

She shouldn't need to delete her SM. But equally at this point the boy has been approached by the police and is still harassing her. It might be the best solution right now

You can no longer prevent non friends from messaging you (besides blocking) on Facebook. Infuriates me

[Beachbabe1]

I don't want to alarm you but I watched a documentary on stalking today. This behaviour is where it starts. Call the national stalking helpline for advice. It was set up by mothers whose daughters had been stalked. They will tell you what you can do and raise it with the police if you feel that they aren't taking you seriously enough.

[Beachbabe1]

The national stalking helpline no 0808 802 0300. Check it out online: the Suzy lamplugh trust. Please don't leave it to get worse.

[GoddessKali]

Nice bit of victim blaming there from the police.

[Dingleydel]

I wouldn’t say this is where it starts, it’s full blown stalking. Very worrying at such a young age. Unfortunately it’s very hit and miss how police handle it. There’s an awful case going on locally to me at the moment and the police have been completely useless. I hope you find a solution that doesn’t involve your dd having to make sacrifices. Stalking is such an awful crime.

[HappyGirl86]

Looks like there's a lot of people on here who are all law experts and in a position to criticise the police.
There's even some police hatred I see.

OP I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this. I've got two daughters and I'd be so stressed if my daughter was in that position.
I'm not a police officer and I don't have any legal knowledge but I did work for a domestic abuse charity and often the police appear to be doing nothing but they are tied to the law and what they can and can't do. I know it doesn't help us as parents to feel any better.
I'm also aware that the police deal with a large amount of issues about social media. I think it is very much recommended that victims delete their profiles/block accounts as this is one way to just cut ties initially. It doesn't mean that your daughter won't be able to go back to these sites eventually but I understand your frustration.
Definitely go back to the police and ask for more support, and please remember that most police officers are good people who want to do their job. Yes some are lazy....you get that in every job.
I hope you manage to get this sorted.

[lanatolater2]

@HappyGirl86 I don't think it's an issue with individual police men or women. It's the police as a whole not having the training or funding and having to cop out with these lazy victim blaming measures

[HappyGirl86]

@lanatolater2 yeh you're right, funding is definitely one of the issues.

[PinkKecks]

I don't think deleting the account is good advice from the police. Surely it is "evidence", no? I can't imagine the police telling any other victim of crime to erase evidence of crimes committed against them. If she later asks for a restraining order she will need as much evidence as possible, so I think she should keep it (although change the privacy settings where possible).

[tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict]

Depending on who your MP is they might take an interest? Public authorities tend to up their game when they get a letter from an MP

[blubberyboo]

I wouldn’t delete anything as the old messages could be valuable evidence
This is terrible harassment and deeply concerning for your dds safety.
Perhaps she could temporarily deactivate the old one and start a new one, and then reactivate it later

[Eightiesfan]

OP, I’m sorry that DD iS going through this. As usual the onus is put on the girl/women to protect themselves from what clearly amounts to an prolonged example of aggressive stalking.

Despite the knowledge that this behaviour often escalates the Police appear determined not to take the safety of women as seriously as they would theft or damage to property.

The fact is, as women we are always going to be vulnerable to negative male behaviour. Keeping ourselves safe has been instilled into us from an early age, don’t walk home alone, partner-up on nights out, don’t drink too much, the lists of dos and dont’s go on and on.

This boy is clearly getting a thrill out of finding ways to torment DD. I’m glad she has so much support around her, but he clearly needs help and should be removed from school until he has received some much needed counselling.

[BlueVelvetStars]

His behaviour is escalating, he is involving other people in the harassment now, this is now a group campaign of harassment. He has taken no heed of the warning.

Do not let this go, make complaints about the Police response if you have too.

[StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear]

I think changing her number is a good idea but no way should your daughter, the victim in this, be expected to delete all her social media. Why the hell should she? Not to mention the fact this has already escalated to hanging around outside your home spying on her. That along with the abusive messages should be enough for the police to take action.

I wish I was shocked at the “helpful advice” you got from the police but I’m just pissed off. The way women and girls who are being abused are often treated by them is appalling.

[Daytimetellysucks]

Thanks all

So, I went back through 101 last night and complained, asked for it to be looked at again and that I felt the advice received was unacceptable and was the complete opposite to what we were told by the original officers.

However, DD had a phone call last night from another girl in her class - turns out he has been harassing and stalking her for the last few weeks - the same stuff he was doing to DD. Her parents have also now got the school and the police involved.

Have spoken to the police and the school this morning - the police are going in to school later this morning to see DD and the other girl and they’ll then come and see me.

We’ll see what happens later

[Brokenpencilsarepointless]

Are you not allowed to go down to the school and be present when they speak with your daughter? Given the last response you had, I would be very concerned that they will try and minimise it to the two girls and simply say things like, "well, did you not think to change your phone number" or, "why didnt you just delete your social media."

I think you need to be there ti strongly advocate for them and shut down any attempt by the police to place blame or responsibility for fixing it onto the girls.

[Lesssaideasymended]

This boy’s behaviour is only going to escalate as he gets older. He needs dealt with accordingly

Your poor daughter

[Brokenpencilsarepointless]

Also, have you told the police about the conversation with his parents where they told him to take your daughter from her boyfriend? It's important that they know about that, so they know that the parents are not going to be helpful in stopping his behaviour. They're teaching him that it's all a big joke and that a girl saying no to him doesnt mean anything because she is simply something to possess and steal from another boy. He has been taught that no doesnt mean no; it means it's a challenge. A game. The police need to know that.

[Gazelda]

Jesus! He sounds an absolute menace. And in danger of escalating his behaviour even more.

Apart from the distress he is causing, his parents are letting him down badly.

I'm glad this is now being treated with the seriousness it merits.

[Daytimetellysucks]

I’m not allowed in school, DD will have her mentor with her.

They were different officers again this morning and they’re coming to see me straight after so I will be ensuring they take it seriously

[billy1966]

She is lucky to have such a supportive, proactive mum.

I would be furious with the police response.

Well done for pushing back.

Teen boys like that grow into highly abusive men because they were never dealt with decisively.

[MagentaRocks]

I think it is likely the officer that told her to delete SM is going on ‘old’ advice. The most recent advice in my force is that we do not tell people to delete SM, change number etc. This gives the opportunity for the victim, in a domestic abuse situation to manage risk as they will be able to see the telltale signs of escalation. Stalking is more serious than harassment so if she is changing her routine, behaviour etc to avoid this boy then it is a stalking offence.

By the sounds of the reaction from the initial police and the most recent ones it appears that the one who gave you that advice is mistaken. But definitely needs following up.