to think it shouldn’t be on my daughter to delete her social media?

[Daytimetellysucks]

DD (16) had some issues with a boy in her class. He had a crush on her, he asked DD out, she said no (not interested/she already has a boyfriend).

The boy took it badly and seemed to see her as some kind of challenge and subjected her to some wildly inappropriate behaviour, both online and in real life.

DD would block him, and he’d either create new accounts or use someone else’s phone to continue to message her or he would hang around outside our house hiding behind the bushes until she left for school or something.

I warned him off, DH warned him off, all her friends and her boyfriend warned him off, even her big sister and her boyfriend had words (and DD1 is enough to scare anyone) but he was completely obsessed.

Due to some additional needs that DD has, she has a mentor in school so we spoke to the mentor who had words at school, and we reported it to the police.

The police were great, spoke with school and visited him at home with his parents and warned him about his behaviour. He was clearly told that if he contacted her again, either directly or indirectly, he would be arrested.

All good. Her mentors have kept a close eye on it at school and all has been well for the last few weeks

Until this weekend. He sent DD a nasty, abusive message from a different number, and she then started getting some grief from a couple of his friends. DD blocked them all again.

I contacted the police again, gave then the original crime reference number so they had all the history and sent over screen shots of all the messages.

Their response - we can’t do anything, tell DD to change her number and delete all her social media.

We’re in the process of getting a new number, but she doesn’t want to delete her social media accounts, especially while we’re still in lockdown and she’s not allowed friends/her boyfriend over

She doesn’t post photos or anything like that but her friendship group all use Instagram DMs, group Facebook messenger and chats on WhatsApp. Her and her friends use WhatsApp video calls and revise together, she’s in a group video call and group chats for an Xbox game she plays so if she deletes all her social media she’ll end up cut off from all this.

I’ve gone back and asked for the original officers who dealt with it to look at it again - they’re on rest days at the moment so am waiting for them to contact me

Hopefully, once she’s changed her number they won’t be able to contact her via WhatsApp and stuff, but she hasn’t actually done anything wrong here so she shouldn’t have to remove herself from social media

2bazookas: "You hope for his sake" could be construed as a threat, tbf.

@TimeForTeaAndG

In the old days, someone would have given him a good kicking by now.

I very nearly asked if she has any big cousins/friend's big brothers?

My cousins offered to "speak to" my abuser after I kicked him out and he kept contacting me.

Sorry, I crossed loads of posts.

We’ve all warned him off. Her frankly terrifying older sister had words, her sister’s boyfriend had words, DH and I had words, DD’s boyfriend and all their friends also warned him off. He would leave her alone for a few days then start up again

We’ve done as much as we can to warn him off contacting her online, but he used to hang around outside our house, or behind the bushes down the road around the time she needs to leave for school - we drove her to and from school for a while - she just wanted to walk in with her mates.

The original officers are on rest days until Friday so I will be contacting them again first thing Friday morning.

It was a police officer I spoke to this time - I reported it through 101 and then the police officer called back

I have personal experience of this because an ex boyfriend stalked me for months after we split years ago. He would do exactly as this boy is doing to your DD- call/message me off other people’s phones constantly, sit outside my house in his car so I couldn’t leave without having to confront him, send me letters, follow me to work and shout things from his car window or beep his horn at me every single day for months. I told the police but they weren’t interested at all, they basically told me to keep a diary but unless he did anything violent they couldn’t do anything. He then assaulted me in broad daylight with witnesses but other than question him and tell him to stay away from me, they did fuck all. Thankfully that was enough to scare him off but it seems like this boy is completely determined and the police presence hasn’t frightened him.

I am sorry to say the police are unlikely to do anything though unless he severely hurts her. It’s very sad and I hope it doesn’t come to that obviously but they don’t even seem interested in low level assaults against women. The school should do more really, I’m certain his behaviour warrants suspension.

@Daytimetellysucks

Yes, the boys family are aware. The police visited him at home with both his parents in attendance

I think they think we’re making a mountain out of a molehill, I know they encouraged him to try and “take DD off her boyfriend” back at the beginning.

They encouraged him to "take DD off her boyfriend"? Is it any wonder why boys grow up thinking girls are objects for men to possess. That's gross

I would lodge a complaint with the police for this. They are allowing harassment to continue here.

Demand to speak to the original officers who had assured you that if he continued to offend then he would be arrested. Make sure they are aware of what has been said to you on this most recent contact. Hopefully they will address the situation. If not then press ahead with the complaint.

How terrifying for your DD. Have you got cameras? If you haven't I'd be purchasing some so you can see if he still lurks around by the house.

This behaviour is not normal at all and the police need to take it more seriously (hopefully they will on Friday).

The parents need to do more.

This boy is going to grow up being a stalker and could end up dangerous if his not stopped at a young age.

Also make sure her socials are all on private and only allow her close friends to see what she posts etc.

I’ve had this happen to me and the police can’t do anything.

How I’ve managed is temporarily deleted my profiles and when I returned changed my name so it was harder to be found. Also found Instagrams privacy a lot better than facebooks so I’m no longer on there at all.

This boy is displaying very serious behaviour.
He is 16 so well above the age of criminal responsibility and absent any cognitive disability he should be well aware his of the potential consequences of his actions.
He is stalking and abusing her and is encouraging others to collaborate in this abuse.
I hope the first officers are able to give you some better support.

I'd have asked why they weren't arresting him as originally stated.

@knittingaddict jaded ex DV worker here. I worked with a woman who ended up having her children removed largely because she wouldn't move across the country to get away from her abuser.

They were already in a refuge but he found her. Instead of him being recalled to prison she had the children removed and was then moved alone to another refuge.

The whole thing was so unfair. The children were settled and in school but instead of punishing him they're now in foster care in one part of the country and their mother is alone in another.

She'd also had to change mobile number, car, social media etc multiple times and he found her every time.

Call the police again - yes, I know it's more work - and speak to the original case officers. Ask why he hasn't been arrested yet.

Don't fall for the line 'a criminal conviction will ruin his life, he's just a kid.' That's not true.

The sad truth s that crims like this carry on doing it, and escalate, until they're stopped.

DD isn't the first, she won't be the last, but with any luck if you take action she'll get out without further harm.

As a first practical step, she and you should review all her security and privacy settings to make it as hard as possible for him to contact her.

Then I would go over the original police officers head in whatever way is possible.
Assuming the boy is also 16, there is still time to change his behaviour too. But he needs to know it's wrong and unacceptable.

Have her privatise her social media's (so people have to request to follow and message her) alternatively she could could create a new one and have it for close friends only then come back to her old one once this has all passed.

It's annoying for her that she has to rearrange her socials due to a few idiots but it may only be short term and worth it to not give them a platform!

@Berthatydfil

This boy is displaying very serious behaviour. He is 16 so well above the age of criminal responsibility and absent any cognitive disability he should be well aware his of the potential consequences of his actions. He is stalking and abusing her and is encouraging others to collaborate in this abuse. I hope the first officers are able to give you some better support.

Yes, this exactly. He is young and can turn his behaviour around, but to do that he needs to know exactly why it's wrong etc. Treating him with kid gloves is not going to help him or any other woman he comes into contact with in the future.

Make sure when you speak to the officers you are clear that his course of conduct is causing you daughter harassment, alarm and distress and you want to know how they are going to respond to that especially as he has already been given a warning by them. The officer you've spoken to this time is wrong.

how unfair and how does it stop him physically stalking her as he has done previously

as pp said changing phone numbers/names is only a temp fix once it gets out her new one she'll be back to square one

He clearly needs dealing with properly by the Police but it’s good advice to delete her social media. Why wouldn’t you delete an avenue that he can contact you through.

Op. Try to catch the original officers on Friday. Your daughter obviously shouldn’t have to change her social media , the issue is it’s one where they really need to consider if they wish to go via a court case and criminal record.

Sadly this isn’t uncommon in teenage boys. When I was her age I went out with a boy for two weeks. Two weeks. I ended it. For the next five years he wa obsessed, coming to my house, asking me out repeatedly, following me when I was out. Fortunately it was before social media existed.

It’s like some of them get a crush and it becomes all consuming.

Hopefully the police officers on Friday will have some better advice and will pay him another visit.

The advice given by the police is ridiculous. Why should she basically hide herself away to prevent him from contacting her. He’s the one with the problem.

OP I think you need to make a formal complaint about this advice and you need to push for him to be arrested for harassment. Can you also seek legal advice to get some sort of restraining order against him?

I also think you need to report his friends to the police. They need a wake up call.

Make sure you keep the school updated too. He should not be allowed to get away with this behaviour.

@CleanQueen123 that's heartbreaking

@lanatolater2 it was horrific for everyone involved.

Which is why this kind of behaviour needs to be shut down as soon as it appears. It's not too late for this boy to turn it around but by the sounds of it his family see nothing wrong so he's going to have to be told by others.

The police should be supporting the victim, not telling her to protect herself and giving him zero consequences.

@Daytimetellysucks have you been in contact with your local DV organisation? The one I used to work for had dedicated workers for young people.

They did one to one support but also held group sessions in schools to help teach acceptable relationship behaviours.

It might be worth liaising with the school to see if you have something similar locally so the whole year group can be better educated and your daughter can have specialist support.

Ditto everyone else unfortunately. I had to shut down accounts, close my business, change number twice, and move home.

The onus seems always to be on female victims to find a way to hide rather than live life to the full - that’s a right left to abusers

I would send a letter by post outlining your experience. Mine didn’t get a response from either police or prosecution service but, like with the abuser himself, I remain hopeful that one day it will all have a blast of sunshine enough to show up failings and prompt change.

Grey rock is so useful at first but I quite liked having a full life and your DD shouldn’t have to contemplate missing out on one too especially at her young age.

Society has copped on by now that prevention of more serious offences at the start of a potential criminal career is better than allowing abusers to gain experience, confidence and knowledge of getting away with crimes - about time police and courts catch up.

Best of luck on Friday and I hope DD knows she isn’t alone, and that this is a systemic failure, some officials do try and paint it as ‘if only you’d do this/be compliant/hide’ as a way to make the victim feel it’s their individual fault, and that can be isolating in itself until it becomes clearer this is a wider issue affecting women and girls everywhere.

I would report it as a disability hate crime