To believe it’s not selfish to spend some of the money I work for on myself ( despite being a mum)?

[Labradabradorable]

Am I that unusual in feeling no guilt whatsoever in spending some of my hard-earned on myself? My friend thinks I might be.

DH and I both work hard, enjoy our jobs and earn well, our kids have all they need ( and most of what they want). I like to have and do nice things for myself ( as well as the rest of the family). Not yachts and mansions, we are more in L’Occtaine bubble bath, exciting family holidays and a newish Mini territory. DH has no issue at all with my spending. He likes to buy many, many obscure books but not much else.

A friend (and she really is a friend, this isn’t a falling out) recently commented she wishes she could treat herself like I do, but feels guilty when she does. She said that most mothers she knows put themselves last in the family and feel guilty about spending on themselves. She does not do paid work (does amazing volunteer work), which maybe changes her outlook. She has not bought new clothes or had a haircut for years.

Is one of us unusual, and if so, which one? And if this is the way many mothers feel, I also wonder if this is a (British?) cultural attitude. My own (French) mother has never modelled these issues and is definitely no stranger to the hair salon.

@motherloaded

Personally I'd be asking how I could help my friend

anyone who can handle the work as a volunteer can find a job instead. It's not difficult.

Which is partly why several of us have posed the question whether she may be in an abusive relationship. Some women's partners control them to the extent that they are not allowed to find a job or earn their own money.

Everyone gets everything they need.

Beyond that, treats are fine, whoever they are for. I get my nails done every 2 weeks and pay for gym membership, where I attend 3/4 classes pw. I work hard for the money to pay for it though, I dont feel bad. My kids are happy

Let’s be honest, no kid ever wishes their mum would look a bit scruffier (and no man ever wishes his wife would). I’ve just had seven involuntary haircut-free months and I feel guilty for making people look at the state of me by the end. Your friend sounds like she’s in quite a concerning situation, OP.

I don’t spend much on myself but that’s because I have cheap tastes. A new kindle book and I’m happy.
I worked out recently most of my spending is in the charity shop as I love a bargain.
Children get spoilt on their birthdays and whatever books they want bought for them.

@MiddleParking

Let’s be honest, no kid ever wishes their mum would look a bit scruffier (and no man ever wishes his wife would). I’ve just had seven involuntary haircut-free months and I feel guilty for making people look at the state of me by the end. Your friend sounds like she’s in quite a concerning situation, OP.

Your attitude doesn't sound particularly healthy either tbh.

Also worth mentioning that treating yourself doesn't always translate to looks. Some people have other interests,wants and ways to look after themselves.

@IceSwallowCome

For some people the warm fuzzy glow of being a martyr is reward enough.

This is what I was thinking, too.

@motherloaded

Personally I'd be asking how I could help my friend

anyone who can handle the work as a volunteer can find a job instead. It's not difficult.

Bullshit. Volunteer work is usually flexible and doesn't need particular qualifications. It's apples and oranges, there are any number of reasons why someone would be able to do unspecified volunteer work and yet not be able to get or keep a job.

Bullshit. Volunteer work is usually flexible and doesn't need particular qualifications. It's apples and oranges, there are any number of reasons why someone would be able to do unspecified volunteer work and yet not be able to get or keep a job.

if you are looking for excuses, obviously you will always find them.

*Your attitude doesn't sound particularly healthy either tbh.

Also worth mentioning that treating yourself doesn't always translate to looks. Some people have other interests,wants and ways to look after themselves.*

No, trust me, it was bad. I looked like Meatloaf.

When I was growing up we didn't have much and it was a case of everyone getting mostly what they needed but the adults got the luxuries (such as they were). This was 'normal'. I'm not sure what happened to turn that on its head. Having said that, because I was a girl there were things that I needed (school-related) that were either withheld or deeply resented. That burns to this day.

Well if she does not earn her own money that is going to make up part of why she feels the way she does.

Volunteering work is obviously fantastic and she’s a parent and I assume supported by her partner and therefore she does have access to money but there’s absolutely a different feeling when it is not your personal money.

Why should anyone feel guilty about spending their own money?

Your friend has told herself that it’s bad and wrong to spend on herself and therefore cultivated a feeling of guilt.

Maybe she’s happy with that? Maybe she feels better feeling guilty?

Who knows, people are complex.

No one needs permission to live their lives in the way that suits them best.

Assuming your children are healthy, fed, warm, loved and looked after then what does it matter if you spent twenty quid on bubble bath.

There is no “normal”

Your df is very unwise.
Being selfless teaches your dc that you're not important.
The way you treat yourself is the way your adult dc will treat you. Make sure it's well.

My own mum did this. In part it was necessary due to low income but at times it was also a choice that made her feel very virtuous. Consequently I felt guilty spending money on myself until I met my DH and he talked me into seeing how unhealthy it was.

I happily get my hair done, go out with friends, buy clothes etc and I know my mum thinks I am self indulgent but I don’t care anymore. It’s more important that my daughter knows women are still valuable after having children.

@Labradabradorable

Am I that unusual in feeling no guilt whatsoever in spending some of my hard-earned on myself? My friend thinks I might be.

DH and I both work hard, enjoy our jobs and earn well, our kids have all they need ( and most of what they want). I like to have and do nice things for myself ( as well as the rest of the family). Not yachts and mansions, we are more in L’Occtaine bubble bath, exciting family holidays and a newish Mini territory. DH has no issue at all with my spending. He likes to buy many, many obscure books but not much else.

A friend (and she really is a friend, this isn’t a falling out) recently commented she wishes she could treat herself like I do, but feels guilty when she does. She said that most mothers she knows put themselves last in the family and feel guilty about spending on themselves. She does not do paid work (does amazing volunteer work), which maybe changes her outlook. She has not bought new clothes or had a haircut for years.

Is one of us unusual, and if so, which one? And if this is the way many mothers feel, I also wonder if this is a (British?) cultural attitude. My own (French) mother has never modelled these issues and is definitely no stranger to the hair salon.

My mum put herself last and honestly i dont think it is healthy. I do think children should come first in terms of necessities. But after those, there is nothing wrong with showing your children the rewards hard work can bring and that you value yourself enough to do things for you and not just them. In my mind that will help my child value herself when she is older too

When my mum died we found a load of money in a spare handbag. It turns out my dad would try to get her to spend money on herself by giving her the cash, and she'd squirrel it away as a just in case instead. Always worried the family might need the money more than she needed new clothes (we never did), but I don't think she ever got over having to be careful with money when us kids were little.

It's quite sad, but understandable. She wasn't a martyr about it, just cautious and nervous.

When money is reasonable for us I truly believe that teaching my Dc that everyone has equal roles that should be respected is important. I have slipped unintentionally in the past in guilt over my divorce and I put myself last when I didn't need to. It wasn't a healthy response. It quite quickly leeched into their behaviour. Expecting me to sacrifice my entire being just because I was Mum. It wasn't their issue it was mine because I had been modelling it.

Now its very much sold that everyone has needs and they are met and everyone gets equal consideration of their wants. I don't necessarily ascribe to the concept that because I earn the money I have more right to it (because to be fair at 8 and 5 its not like ots their choice not to work) but I do get equal consideration in spending. So no I don't feel the slightest bit guilty because I stand by that part of my parenting. I'm a human being as well as a mum.

The difference I suppose is when money is an issue (which it has been last year) then no my wants come last and some of my needs but its the same for DP. The DC were provided for first because it was our responsibility to keep money coming in so if we slipped on that (irrelevant that it wasn't our fault) then we took the hit.

I don't feel remotely guilty spending on myself but if a sacrifice needs to be made it will be me first and DP to make it. Our role as parents is to provide , if we can't do that for any reason then the first to feel the effect should be us. We did get to a stage twice where we limited our own food and rationed it but the DC didn't miss any need. As soon as money increased the DC got some wants back and we got our needs back. Then finally money reached a reasonable level and we all get both.

So money good....I'll happily treat myself and I have little time for pointless martyrs. Money tight then yes absolutely parents (not just DM ) should take the hit first.