To believe it’s not selfish to spend some of the money I work for on myself ( despite being a mum)?

[Labradabradorable]

Am I that unusual in feeling no guilt whatsoever in spending some of my hard-earned on myself? My friend thinks I might be.

DH and I both work hard, enjoy our jobs and earn well, our kids have all they need ( and most of what they want). I like to have and do nice things for myself ( as well as the rest of the family). Not yachts and mansions, we are more in L’Occtaine bubble bath, exciting family holidays and a newish Mini territory. DH has no issue at all with my spending. He likes to buy many, many obscure books but not much else.

A friend (and she really is a friend, this isn’t a falling out) recently commented she wishes she could treat herself like I do, but feels guilty when she does. She said that most mothers she knows put themselves last in the family and feel guilty about spending on themselves. She does not do paid work (does amazing volunteer work), which maybe changes her outlook. She has not bought new clothes or had a haircut for years.

Is one of us unusual, and if so, which one? And if this is the way many mothers feel, I also wonder if this is a (British?) cultural attitude. My own (French) mother has never modelled these issues and is definitely no stranger to the hair salon.

I treat myself too, I work hard why shouldn't I? My DC don't go without, if it was between me and DC then obviously it would be the DC.

My DH is more than happy not that he spends much on himself.

I agree with you! Even if you hadn't been in paid employment but an (equally important role) SAHM you're still entitled to look after yourself!

For some people the warm fuzzy glow of being a martyr is reward enough.

Guilt is not an emotion I am familiar with !
I put myself first sometimes.

I’m on your side with this. If the children have everything they need as well as some of the things they want then I never feel guilty about paying for a decent haircut or buying a nice pair of shoes

I never used to spend anything on myself. In fact I still have items in my wardrobe I consider newish which actually I bought over 12 years ago. My nice leather boots are 20 years old. I have always had my hair done though, although only 3 times a year. I felt guilty about spending on myself, and to be fair had no disposable income for any additional spends. I earn a bit more now so do buy myself the odd item of clothing here and there. Most of my peer group have a load of designer handbags, jewellery and all the usual nice things which I don't own. I think if you have the means then you should definitely treat yourself.

I always put kids first and myself last , not complaining, and I get/got most things I wanted

I spend money on decent coats, shoes, work bag etc but I do feel the need to justify them to myself (DH doesn't care) on a spend per use basis. I tortured myself over a mistake which meant my car cost more than I thought per month, despite it being essential for my work & based around family needs.

This almost certainly comes from my Mum's behaviour (don't tell your dad I bought a new pair of shorts for the summer - everything from the sales) and a dad who's got a really weird 'tight yet generous' combination of behaviours going on.

Definitely agree with you! If you can afford it and your children don’t go without, why not spend money on yourself? IMO mum guilt is a tool of the patriarchy, it tells women that once they’ve produced an offspring their only worth is in relation to their child, so essentially every expensive bubble bath you buy yourself is an act of feminist rebellion

I think that might be more to do with not being employed. For lots of historical reasons, I'm not employed, so it always feels to me like spending DHs money. It's not true but its still there in my head.

I think your friend is a bit passive aggressive.

I prioritise things for the kids first, but once they've got everything they need and some of what they want, the rest of the fun money is spent on everyone. Sometimes that's fuck all, sometimes lots, but I definitely get nice things too.

I'd not see them with bugger all while I was flashing the cash, but there's no chance the reverse is happening either.

I think only if you dont have the money. If I didnt have the spare cash for nice salon visits then it wouldnt happen. Guilt only comes if you dont have the cash to spend

I think teaching your children that everyone in the family has worth and role modelling self care is a positive thing. You won’t always be there to take care of them so they need to see that people should also take care of themselves.

@IceSwallowCome

For some people the warm fuzzy glow of being a martyr is reward enough.

Yep, this too. 😁

I cannot stand mummy martyrdom.

I feel absolutely no guilt looking after myself, treating myself or considering my own needs as an individual.

I didn’t lose my identity when I became a mother. I didn’t turn into a household/parenting appliance.

I agree, of course its not selfish to spend money on nice things for yourself too. My weakness is skincare (what DH calls my "lotions and potions") and I love to treat myself when I can, obviously DH and the kids get treated too.

But equally I do understand what your friend means. I find I put myself last in the pecking order in the family, in terms of time spent on myself/my needs/my tasks that need doing. So I'll carve out time to make sure that DH and the kids have accomplished what they need to do, which frequently means I run out of time to do the things I would like to do for me. I do feel guilty at sometimes saying, no I need this time for me. DH encourages me to find the time and tells me to stop being silly if I apologise for taking time for me, but that automatic sense of guilt is there and I have to work hard to tell myself that my needs and time are just as important as everyone elses.

I think I'm a better mum for being selfish and prioritising my happiness when I can. My son never misses out but I make sure I treat myself and live a life that suits me as well as him.

Martyrs are boring 😴

You're not wrong at all, but I am one of these mums that do feel guilt at spending money on myself. I don't think it's healthy and I wish I didn't feel this way. I only buy myself new clothes if they're as a replacement to something too ragged to wear anymore and I haven't been to the hairdressers in nearly 10 years. I realise I'm being ridiculous but can't seem to get out of this mind frame.

I consider the family as a whole, the kids, then dh, before considering something for myself. I certainly wouldnt talk about that with anyone or question anyone else thinking and acting differently.

And I dont like that I do it. But we are a low income family and both dh and I would prefer spare money to be spent on the family first.

@IceSwallowCome

For some people the warm fuzzy glow of being a martyr is reward enough.

this!

I don’t think your friend is unusual, but I don’t think you are wrong either. Most women I know that don’t buy things for themselves love to bring it up in conversation because they like being seen as a selfless, devoted martyr. It’s how they measure their self-worth. It’s not my mentality though. I’ll treat myself, but I am very frugal and get a thrill out of haggling prices down or finding a deal in a charity shop. Others treat themselves no expense spared and that is how they feel better. None if it is wrong per se. I have a live and let live approach.

I like to go skiing without my kids. Couldn't afford to take them and they would spoil it by needing to be on a blue run all the time. Your friend wouldn't be impressed with me!

Kids first, family second, me last

but I still have my hair done every 6 weeks, wear decent clothes, pay for exercising.

Normal people manage to do things within reason. I'd judge a parent on an average salary going overboard and being selfish. Spending a ground on a dress when you dress your kids in Primark clothes is cringey. Spending a few hundred on clothes for you is normal!
Spending everything on a sports car and not taking kids on normal holidays, wrong too.

Balance...

DS needs always get met first - if we only had enough food for one person, he'd get it. Luckily we are not in a position where we ever have to make that kind of choice and we are able to meet all of our needs. When it comes to wants, it's a free for all. I buy whatever I want for myself and I also buy whatever I want for DS. I don't not buy myself a pair of shoes because I'm a mother (presuming, obviously that DS' basic needs re shoes are met). I find it quite a bizarre attitude to be honest and not sure what good it does to stick yourself at the bottom of the pile constantly - all you're doing is reinforcing the idea that your wants aren't valid.