To believe it’s not selfish to spend some of the money I work for on myself ( despite being a mum)?

[Labradabradorable]

Am I that unusual in feeling no guilt whatsoever in spending some of my hard-earned on myself? My friend thinks I might be.

DH and I both work hard, enjoy our jobs and earn well, our kids have all they need ( and most of what they want). I like to have and do nice things for myself ( as well as the rest of the family). Not yachts and mansions, we are more in L’Occtaine bubble bath, exciting family holidays and a newish Mini territory. DH has no issue at all with my spending. He likes to buy many, many obscure books but not much else.

A friend (and she really is a friend, this isn’t a falling out) recently commented she wishes she could treat herself like I do, but feels guilty when she does. She said that most mothers she knows put themselves last in the family and feel guilty about spending on themselves. She does not do paid work (does amazing volunteer work), which maybe changes her outlook. She has not bought new clothes or had a haircut for years.

Is one of us unusual, and if so, which one? And if this is the way many mothers feel, I also wonder if this is a (British?) cultural attitude. My own (French) mother has never modelled these issues and is definitely no stranger to the hair salon.

From your first post I thought your friend sounded like a bit of a smug martyr, but from your updates it sounds like she has maybe lost her sense of identity since having kids. Very sad.

Also I bet her husband has bought new clothes and had a haircut since the kids were born.

If your children have all they need and quite a bit of what they want then you have put them first and what is left should enable you to have the same - ie all you need and some of what you want. Why should you not be treated as an equal member of the family?

I have to stop myself sometimes as I was brought up by a very puritanical mother who thought spending on clothes and make up was wasteful. I cringe when I see pictures of myself as a child and teenager from the things I had to wear. I'm jolly well now buying myself nice good quality stuff and paying to have my hair done.

Not selfish at all, assuming the children have everything they need.

No point being the richest person in the graveyard!

DS always had supermarket brand clothes when he was little because he grows so quick it's a complete waste of money to spend more. He barely used a few T shirts we got him one year - rainy days and by the end of the summer they looked like crop tops!

I'd spend a little more on my clothes - I've finished growing so my clothes are for comfort or appropriateness.

And I used to have facials (developed rosacea so I don't do them any more as they aggravate my skin) once every couple of months. Even as a SAHM. Because I enjoyed them, they relaxed me and we could afford it.

If we couldn't afford new shoes for DS or he was walking around with trousers half way up his calves then I wouldn't have had the facials.

So no, I don't spend every last penny on DS. He has enough and the money will be there if he needs something. I certainly don't put myself last. It's more like a see saw - if I need new shoes or a hair cut I'll get it. If DH or DS needs them the money is spent on them. If there's enough to go around there's no need for martyrdom. If there isn't then it's whose need is greatest at the time.

Unless she's really struggling financially she's being really daft, following some kind of bullshit made up ideal rather than her own wants and needs. No one gets a halo for putting themselves last.

It would help her self esteem massively to accept that she does matter as a person not just wife,mother whatever.

From your last update, where you days she only takes the kids out for walks, it doesn’t even sound as though she feels able to spend on the dc. Is she definitely not being financially abused?

Slightly off topic but probably relevant for those of us who find it hard to put ourselves first occasionally (particularly with having a bit of 'me' time rather than finances).

When my mum had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's for a year or so I had to go to the doctor about a back problem. The GP, who was also my mum's doctor, asked me how I felt generally with the caring duties I'd taken on. I said I was OK and I always remember his reply. "Make sure you try to prioritise your needs. Your mum will be cared for but if you go down who steps in? Who looks after mum and DS? You're as important as they are, probably more so, because without you it all falls apart'. Parents (mums in particular) tend to forget that.

are you sure that actually her relationship is a healthy one? She can't spend money, she can't go to the next town by herself, she can't spend on activities for the children? It all sounds worrying

The reality is that when you have a child or children you have less disposable than a couple who are both working. You have to have the funds to pay rent or mortgage, the bills, for food, clothes, haircuts and then a bit towards the wants at times.
The reality is that if you have kids and if you're working outside or inside the home you should have money to call your own to spend on your hair, new clothes and the odd treat. It's not selfish but if you don't value yourself your husband or kids won't.

I have seen woman become martyr mothers and being honest I think your don't value yourself as a person. One of my friends noticed a friend going into martyr mammy (mm) mode re one of her kids.
My friend gave her advice that mm needed to hear and mm got highly offended over this. In fact they stopped talking to my friend for a while. My friend was right about this and after a few things happened mm finally acted upon what she was told.

I’d feel guilty op if not employed so wouldn’t be buying treats.

My children will always come first so their needs and wants are taken care of and then they see DH and I have treats. I think it’s good that they equate hard work with both paying the essentials and extras.

It's not always about martyrdom. I put myself last because we don't have a huge amount of money and I feel frivolous spending it when I know we might need or want it in the future. I wouldn't sacrifice the kids happiness though so I make sure they have what they want and need, plus activities etc but buying for myself is hard to justify at times as it's something I know I can go without, without feeling guilty or like I'm letting my kids down.
My DH is the same so it's not like he's walking round in Rolex's and me in rags, and I will occasionally get myself some clothes but never spa days or expensive bags or anything. I'd rather squirrel any spare money away and know that if one day I really want a nice holiday or we need a new car etc, the money is there.

I can't bear martyrs

My children's NEEDS will always come ahead of my WANTS

My needs will come ahead of their wants

Their needs would most likely come ahead of my needs (IE if we both needed a new coat because neither of us had one and I only had enough to buy one (cheap) I'd buy one for them - if I had enough to buy one expensive one I'd buy us a cheap one each)

Wants weighed up but sometimes I'd have my wants ahead of theirs

You have plenty of money that you earn, you can spend as you like. Your friend has no money of her own and feels guilty about spending on herself and does nothing nice for herself and lacks confidence.

Personally I'd be asking how I could help my friend, rather than inviting the vipers on AIBU to give her a kicking and call her names, but whatever makes you feel good, OP.

It's not always about martyrdom. I put myself last because we don't have a huge amount of money and I feel frivolous spending it when I know we might need or want it in the future

But this is very different, and I mean that Gently, the ops kids are not going without, they have what they want and need, so she doesn’t need to feel guilty. It’s very different when you spend it on youtself if your kids need it, or if you need to save it.

@IceSwallowCome

For some people the warm fuzzy glow of being a martyr is reward enough.

😂

Kids and family come first of course

What does the and family bit mean? Does it mean kids, then male partner, then the mother?

Notice that the only bloke to post on this thread didn't include a "kids and family/wife" caveat in his post.

On a more serious note, I think it's really toxic for children to grow up with a mother who treats herself as a second class citizen. It's everything from not buying herself clothes or a haircut to serving herself with whatever is left over when she cooks a roast.

This is where boys grow up with the notion that women are there to serve.

I can think of many many men who put themselves last. Maybe have no interest in clothes or anything, possibly, but don't "treat" themselves or spend anything on themselves while everything goes to their wife and kids.

@toocoldforsno

You have plenty of money that you earn, you can spend as you like. Your friend has no money of her own and feels guilty about spending on herself and does nothing nice for herself and lacks confidence.

Personally I'd be asking how I could help my friend, rather than inviting the vipers on AIBU to give her a kicking and call her names, but whatever makes you feel good, OP.

That's what I felt reading this as well

@motherloaded

I can think of many many men who put themselves last. Maybe have no interest in clothes or anything, possibly, but don't "treat" themselves or spend anything on themselves while everything goes to their wife and kids.

Bullshit.

Personally I'd be asking how I could help my friend

anyone who can handle the work as a volunteer can find a job instead. It's not difficult.

AccidentallyOnPurpose

Bullshit.

so you met a few selfish blokes and you can talk for the entire male population now, can you?

@motherloaded

AccidentallyOnPurpose

Bullshit.

so you met a few selfish blokes and you can talk for the entire male population now, can you?

Why did you jump straight to "selfish"?

I know plenty of men and women that treat themselves now and then, that put themselves first sometimes , that do things for themselves etc. Neither are selfish.

I've yet to meet a man or woman in real life that gives it ALL to the "family" and absolutely nothing to themselves.

I've yet to meet a man or woman in real life that gives it ALL to the "family" and absolutely nothing to themselves.

ok..so what?