To believe it’s not selfish to spend some of the money I work for on myself ( despite being a mum)?

[Labradabradorable]

Am I that unusual in feeling no guilt whatsoever in spending some of my hard-earned on myself? My friend thinks I might be.

DH and I both work hard, enjoy our jobs and earn well, our kids have all they need ( and most of what they want). I like to have and do nice things for myself ( as well as the rest of the family). Not yachts and mansions, we are more in L’Occtaine bubble bath, exciting family holidays and a newish Mini territory. DH has no issue at all with my spending. He likes to buy many, many obscure books but not much else.

A friend (and she really is a friend, this isn’t a falling out) recently commented she wishes she could treat herself like I do, but feels guilty when she does. She said that most mothers she knows put themselves last in the family and feel guilty about spending on themselves. She does not do paid work (does amazing volunteer work), which maybe changes her outlook. She has not bought new clothes or had a haircut for years.

Is one of us unusual, and if so, which one? And if this is the way many mothers feel, I also wonder if this is a (British?) cultural attitude. My own (French) mother has never modelled these issues and is definitely no stranger to the hair salon.

I wouldn't let my child go without to spend on myself but given this is not the case then she's being totally unreasonable!

Spend all you want in yourself as you've earned it!

I do put myself last but still treat myself. Kids have everything they need when they need it, they don’t have to wait for anything. Their wants however they have to save for as I’m not sacrificing things for wants (games etc). They do lots of activities and my treats are family meals out, days out and nice holidays (although I still watch the budget). I rarely buy clothes because I’m not interested but I like skincare and treat myself on that. When we go on weekends away I book myself into the spa. DH has his own treats.
I’m not working my entire life and sacrificing 20+ years of treats because I had kids. Where’s the fun in that

If your DC are well provided for, then of course you can spend your hard earned money on some treats for yourself.

I would make sure you have some rainy day savings, and also that you are investing in a pension as well.

But once the family expenses are covered, you shouldn't feel guilty about spending on yourself.

BiddyPop totally agree about savings and pensions. One thing I learned early on from DH is that the nice stuff only comes after the pensions and investments money has been safely tucked away!

Think it depends on how much disposable income you have and what you prioritise as a want or need. In our house, kids get their needs and some of their wants first.

Many necessities for me and DH can always be rolled over (e.g. we can wear our tatty jumper for another year if it means little one gets a new party dress).

I'm not interested in beauty or clothes so I would pay for ballet classes or swimming lessons before I got my hair cut and coloured, and would feel guilty if I spent that money on a treat like that for me. But to some people, they would say that's a necessity for them to feel good about themselves.

I think she sounds like a martyr but maybe that makes her feel good about herself, I know some women who really get a feel good buzz about being unnecessarily frugal.
I think trying to retain your sense of self as a mum requires that you continue to invest in yourself because when the kids leave home all you have left is you. At that point it’s great if you feel you have taken care of your appearance, health, hobbies and mental wellbeing. Also just because you are a mum doesn’t mean your life stops having a sense individual needs and wants , of well-being and treats to look forward. These are the things that make life worth living In my opinion being a weatherbeaten empty vessel achieves nothing.

I agree. But it’s easier to get out of the martyr mindset as the kids get older, and infinitely easier if you have disposable cash.
I don’t feel guilty spending on myself although I’m less a “style and beauty” woman and more “yoga retreat” kind of spender, but financial freedom allows for that once you know kids needs are met.

On the point of clothing though, I wouldn’t blink dropping $200 on shoes for myself with the kids living in primark clothes but that’s because they grow like weeds and live in tshirts and shorts (hot climate).
When they need quality, we buy quality (I’m looking at you school shoes that last longer than a semester!)
It’s much easier to stick in the “selfless” mindset when you have to watch the pennies for the whole family and I know myself that I’d want to make sure my family’s needs are met before my own. Sometimes that mindset becomes a mantra even when circumstances change which is unfortunate.

Stroke Yes I agree, sometimes I find myself using the frugal kids come first as to why I feel/ look a mess haven’t sorted my clothes/ exercise etc, Then I give myself a shake and realize if I sell some stuff on eBay revamp my wardrobe and treat myself to a haircut I feel less like a bystanding dollop and more like an attractive dynamic woman who happens to be a mum!

I treat myself. I don't work particularly hard either 🤷

My mum was also incredibly glamorous and really kept living her own life as well as being a great mum and as I moved into my teenage years I had a lot of respect for her sense of self and the way she would set boundaries to enjoy/ pay for the things she enjoyed. She was so amazing and had such a knack of making even the smallest most inexpensive things a celebration. I loved that about her.

I think that it might be a case of disposable income. We sometimes struggle on what we have, so always careful with money. If I want something I have to think where DS might need something first.

Also we are lucky that both myself and DS share the same hobby, that does help

I used to be terrible for this when we had little money but would go without for DS to have. But I recognized that this was a chip on my shoulder as a single parent.

But even then, I always bought a really good coat every couple years and decent footwear for myself. I'm quite quirky so would get nice things in thrift stores and I always spent money at the hair salon and sometimes nail spa.

As I started to earn more I bought myself more and had more treats. Women should not neglect themselves as it leads to resentment. I would be worried that your friend does not have a paying job.

This entirely stems from her not being in paid employment. Both from a practical point, that inevitably they will have less disposable income and from a mental place of not being able to justify it.

When people say things like that to me I just say 'well, we have two good salaries coming in so can afford it'. I'm not apologising for spending the money I earn. Your friend has chosen not to do paid work and while she probably has very good reasons for doing that the downside is that they have less money. If her DH didn't want her to work and was financially controlling that would be another issue again.

I think worthy charity work is great but it’s sounds like she is trying to guilt trip because you’d like to treat yourself which is wrong. It’s great if she wants to do charity work rather than a paid job and not buy new clothes etc but then trying to make someone else feel self conscious about their choices isn’t very charitable. Also I do find that attitude abit of a boring drag, she is fortunate that as a family they can afford to do unpaid amazing charity work rather than needing to earn a salary. Its a choice that is not a financial option for most people. Oddly she already has a luxury choice in her life which is not available to a lot of others.

I think this is your friend's problem, not yours. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself, it's not as if your kids are unkempt and starving.

Well you have to put your children’s need for a roof over their head above buying treats you can’t afford obviously.

But that doesn’t sound like you at all OP.

As long as you can afford it over all, then I think it’s fine. Good even! It’s not necessarily healthy for kids to see you as someone with no sense of self, who is permanently martyred.

Thank you for the reassurances. I really was wondering if I was unusual. I did feel a bit sad when I was talking about lockdown easing and she said it wouldn’t be any different for her, as she never visits shops or goes out anyway, just for walks with her kids. Today I booked tickets for the Science Museum and a table at a Korean bbq for half term, booked a seafood restaurant for a weekend lunch with a friend, and booked a sneaky lunch for DH and I when the kids are at school. I’ll foot the bill and I can’t bloody wait 😉

I’ve never denied myself anything if I can afford it. My mum always kept herself nice as well. Neither of us believe in being mummy martyrs.

as she never visits shops or goes out anyway, just for walks with her kids.

She really needs to drop the charity and get a job. It's not fair on the kids their mum is wasting her time like that. Not fair on the partner working either.

Volunteering should be done in your spare time if it's that important, not instead of providing for your family!

@nimbuscloud

Guilt is not an emotion I am familiar with ! I put myself first sometimes.

This

I noticed this. Mostly mothers doing without or less to give the best to their kids. Best being designer clothing, iPads etc... whilst they make do with supermarket clothes and cheap tablets.

One of my friend is exactly like that and I could never understand. The latest is having saved for years to buy her just turned 18yo a very nice car whilst she drives an old banger.

When I ask her why, she says it’s makes her happy and indeed, I’ve got to understand that she derives more happiness from seeing her kids happy and excited than she dies from her own pleasures.

Sadly, I find that this has led to her kids being quite selfish, entitled and not so grateful any longer. I’m glad I treated my kids but not at the cost of me doing without. They have grown to aspire to get what they want for themselves and not to expect it from others. I think they are overall happier.

My children do naturally come before me but once they’re sorted, I have no issue with buying myself something. I love Lucy and yak clothes so that’s my weakness.

I think she’s just a bit envious. I suspect it’s something causing her lifestyle Ie either they don’t have the money or her husband doesn’t give her access as she doesn’t work herself. Either way there is something unspoken that’s caused her comment. It’s quite an unpleasant comment too.

The only time anyone would feel guilt is if the kids are doing without and you’re treating yourself. That’s not the case here. There is nothing to feel guilty over.

I'm not a massive spender on clothes, and never have been. My issue is time. I give time to work, the kids, DH, household shite, and I'm not happy about how little there is leftover for me. It's exhausting. Same problem, different manifestation.