To believe it’s not selfish to spend some of the money I work for on myself ( despite being a mum)?

[Labradabradorable]

Am I that unusual in feeling no guilt whatsoever in spending some of my hard-earned on myself? My friend thinks I might be.

DH and I both work hard, enjoy our jobs and earn well, our kids have all they need ( and most of what they want). I like to have and do nice things for myself ( as well as the rest of the family). Not yachts and mansions, we are more in L’Occtaine bubble bath, exciting family holidays and a newish Mini territory. DH has no issue at all with my spending. He likes to buy many, many obscure books but not much else.

A friend (and she really is a friend, this isn’t a falling out) recently commented she wishes she could treat herself like I do, but feels guilty when she does. She said that most mothers she knows put themselves last in the family and feel guilty about spending on themselves. She does not do paid work (does amazing volunteer work), which maybe changes her outlook. She has not bought new clothes or had a haircut for years.

Is one of us unusual, and if so, which one? And if this is the way many mothers feel, I also wonder if this is a (British?) cultural attitude. My own (French) mother has never modelled these issues and is definitely no stranger to the hair salon.

I never spend money on myself. We'd saved a reasonable amount of money (for us) and took the kids out shopping last week. I kept picking things for DH, the kids or home but I just couldn't spend on myself. Ended up getting a bottle of bubble bath from poundland as DH wouldn't let me leave empty handed.
Its something I'm wanting to work on this year, I want to start treating myself

Your friend sounds like a martyr. Fair enough if there’s absolutely no money spare for yourself but don’t let her make you feel guilty. I have no qualms about spending money on books/ gym membership/nice wine/travel - my DC don’t go without at all.
Martyred types tend to be secretly resentful which creeps out as PA behaviour which is unpleasant for everyone.

Kids get what they need - but I wouldn't put getting them luxuries ahead of me.

For example, DC1 is starting GCSEs next year - I said I'd pay for a basic laptop because it seemed they would need one rather than just sharing our work computers (self-employed!). But in fact it ended up that we contributed what a Google Chromebook would have cost, plus Christmas and birthday money (all over the same period) and they then put in more from other Christmas and birthday money/pocket money etc and built their own computer.

Family first kicks in when you are on the bones of your arse.
If not on the bones of your arse, it is better to balance needs and value yourself too. Do we really want to model female self-abnegation to our daughters and sons?

Labra- that all sounds great! I want to go on all of it.

I'd tell your friend to work on her self worth and advise 'all the mothers she knows' to do the same. I always made sure that I got an equal share if the disposable income pot. My hair was my luxury and I always bought decent make up. Women around me would talk about guilt, but I never saw what good guilt does anyone. Mine was in the 80's onwards. I would have hoped that this wouldn't apply to modern mothers. My DD doesn't have the mummy martyr syndrome.

You are an important member of the family and should treat yourself with a household income appropriate amount. Haircuts are needed for work usually and hardly a treat.

Yes, I put my child first, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything for me. It means if she has a need she gets it. For wants, we find balance.

@Love51 there is something to be said for taking the same approach with your time though. I will make time to go for a run for 30/45 minutes or whatever even though there are many things I could do with that time. I used to feel really guilty but that didn't get me anywhere either, especially when DH was home looking after them. The irony is I am a lot more motivated to get done what needs doing if I've done a bit of something for me. Same goes for spending! Mum is still a person, she shouldn't always come last because she is Mum.

I absolutely do not feel guilty for treating myself. I'm part of this family too, I'm not going to flagellate myself on the altar of I Must Come Last just because I'm the mum.

We have money. Not wealthy but we have enough.

My OH is a bit like this. She works and earns less than me and I think feels she's not entitled to the money.

I bought myself a £300 VR headset the other day, the kids will get some use out of it but it's mainly a toy for me (yes, I know, I'm a manchild) and I didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt. I'm not breaking the bank, we're still saving a decent amount per month, so why should I?

Whereas getting her to spend anything on herself is like getting blood out of a stone. She looks through the Joe Brown catalogue and knows exactly what she wants for her birthday months beforehand. I'm like "Buy it now, you'll find something else you want soon enough!" but it never happens.

After 15 years I've given up, and just spend an absolute fortune on her for Christmas, Birthday, mothers day etc.

YANBU. DS never goes without but I buy myself things too.

I disagree with PPs who said it's bad to spend thousands on clothes for yourself but only buy your DC Primark clothes. I don't spend thousands as I don't have that kind of money but I occasionally buy myself vintage designer pieces as they're a lot cheaper than new.

I'm not buying designer clothes for DS, he's 7 years old and doesn't care where his clothes come from, plus he will quickly grow out of them and get them filthy. It's a waste of money until he's old enough to appreciate them and look after them.

My tendency is to be like your friend. In order to compensate, I have made savings pots in my bank account that I call 'haircuts' and 'clothes' This means I have money that is specificly for that purpose so it helps me to allow myself to spend it.

Interesting what PP have said about self worth. She has really struggled with this since becoming a mum. And I think that part of the reason she does not work is that she had lost all confidence. She cannot, for example, drive to a neighbouring town for an appointment without her DH. They have a beautiful mortgage-free home and her DH has a good job, so I think the block is more likely to be more psychological than financial. I feel desperately sad for her, when I write it down like that.

Of course it’s not selfish; as long as your kids have what they need then it’s fine. I do prioritise my DC above me but when money allows I treat myself. I work really hard so that I can do both.

I do think it's different if you're working and not working. Though it shouldn't be. I know when I was on mat leave, when I was spending towards the end of the year it felt a bit weird thinking it wasnt really my money, and I'd have probably discussed any bigger purchases that I might not have done when I was earning. And I don't necessarily think my husband would have done the same in reverse. I think if shared finances it's a good idea to get everything child related out of the main pot and have equal ish spending money with purchases over a certain amount discussed with the other person. I see on here a lot that women seem to spend their own spending money (be it from their own earnings or from an allocated amount of family money) on kids stuff which I think is unfair

If I'm really honest I often put myself ahead of my DC when it comes to luxury items. Obviously I clothe them and feed them well, but they're preschool age so they don't know/care that I buy them cheaper clothes so I can splurge on mine! I will continue to do so while I can get away with it. My mother was a martyr and put herself last always. I find it a very irritating trait. There's no way I'm allowing myself to go down that route. I won't entertain guilt in these circumstances.

I’ve always been a saver. I drive a 10 year old Mazda even though have 6 figure savings in the bank.

However I’m splitting from my DH and those savings are enabling me to buy him out of our home, so I’m glad I saved the money and resisted the expensive car and holidays.

It means going back to very little in bank and starting to save again though.

I feel extremely guilty spending money on myself, however I’m my only income is a student loan so any spare penny goes on making sure the kids have everything they need. Putting myself before them in this situation would feel like failing. If my children had everything they needed (and most of what they wanted) I wouldn’t feel guilty about spending money on things I need or want.

Your friend doesn't work and has no income. She never spends anything on herself and says she would feel guilty if she did.

Just a random thought... does she actually have access to money, or does her dp allocate a set amount for 'housekeeping'? Could there be even the faintest possibility that she is being financially controlled or abused in any other way?

Kids and family come first of course, but not only do I not feel guilty about spending money I earn on me, I think it makes me a better mother, wife and overall human.

I'm not a martyr and I don't see anything admirable in it. Respect starts from within and I'm not going to demonstrate to my daughter that her lot in life is to be an ambulatory kitchen appliance with no sense of self. I treat others better when I treat myself well; respect for people includes respect for yourself.

It is not admirable or desirable to enable or encourage people to treat another human badly, and that includes me.

Our DC will always come first but it is important (if you can) to treat yourself from time to time. This woman just wants to be a martyr, just ignore her. I don't want my kids to be embarrassed of me or DH when we arrive at the school gates for them by completely neglecting ourselves. I wouldn't class a haircut as a treat though

I'm like your friend, though I'm trying to be more like you. I genuinely don't put myself last because of any martyr like feelings, but when the kids were little money was painfully tight, and I've just never got myself out of the mindset - despite being much more comfortable nowadays.

I know it's ridiculous - I even struggled to convince myself to pay for some much needed new glasses the other week. So I'm actively working on changing it, it's just slow progress.

I'm writing this on the way back from a shopping trip where I took a day of leave from work, left my kids in childcare, and bought myself new nice tops, lipstick, and earrings. So I think you can guess what side I'm on.

And yes, I buy myself nice clothes and my kids cheap ones, sometimes secondhand ones too. Not because I'm somehow better but because I have a style that I want to fulfil, I need smart clothes for work, and I'll wear them for literally years whereas they trash and/or grow out of things in a matter of months.

As you said, my kids have everything they need and many or most things they want. My needs and wants matter too. Per PP I think it's healthy for a mother to value and nurture herself. Both DH and I have personal budgets taken out of our main budget and that's my money for socialising, hair, clothes, travel, whatever I want, and that's what I spend it on. Me. We also have an agreement that we each get some solo travel/time away every year.

If money is tight then of course kids' needs come first. But if you have some wiggle room... I have no time for mummy martyrs.

I think that kind of mummy martyrdom sets a hideous example to the children, especially daughters. And if you expect other people (including your husband and kids) to value you, you need to start by demonstrating that you recognise your own value.

Also self image - I make a point of never saying anything negative about how I look in front of my children and in fact try to quite regularly mention that I feel pretty in an outfit or something. They’re tiny at the moment but it’s soooo important to me to model good body image and overall self esteem. Even if I don’t always feel it inside! Showing them that I don’t think I’m worth a regular haircut does not fit with that at all.

Of course the children come first at all times in a fundamental sense but I fail to see how self neglect benefits them in any way.