I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old

[whiteblinds]

Shouldn't my parents have at least said something to me? AIBU?

Surely that age gap should have rung some alarm bells?

Parents just can't win in these situations (see the thread about the 16 year old and his GF - I know it's clearly different circumstances but an example of whatever parents say will not be appreciated).

Looking back, my DPs did occasionally say, in a very gently way, if they didn't think a boyfriend was 'suitable' ... mainly due to snobbish reasons (the famous question 'what does his father do for a living') ... I was dating in the 1970s and in those days it was expected that a boyfriend would pick you up at home and be introduced to the parents . But of course, there were a few totally unsuitable BFs that I kept secret but fortunately I never got too serious with any of them and never found myself in an unhealthy relationship.

But as a parent now myself I would find it very hard to say anything and just hope that I've managed to bring my DC up to make wise choices - but who knows?

When I was 19 I met a 36 year old and we were very happily together for over 5 years.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that age gap, but if one party is a predator/abusive/grooming then that’s the turd in the punchbowl rather than the respective ages.

I’d say that a significant proportion of older men going after much younger women are controlling or want someone they can mould and a dynamic where they’re in charge, so this would account for shitty treatment.

Some 19 years olds are also still immature(I was not).

If you were groomed, it’s because he was a predator, not because he’s 33.

It’s not fair to tar age gaps as the issue, rather than the character of the people involved.

I was in a situation like that. I was scared to leave. Eventually he was sexually assaulting me, rape, threatening to burn the house down if I left him. My mum refused to intervene just said “don’t tell your father”.

Luckily I was living with my parents at the time. My mum could see what he was like. He rang the house phone and would hang up if my parents answered, he would keep the line open and question me why I needed to make a phone call (my mum intervened in that situation).

I look back and think wtf! I was a young 19 (so I looked 14-16) he was 31!

Your parents would have been horrified, and rightly so. They, no doubt, didn't want you to push them away by telling you that your relationship was inappropriate. You were an adult who would have most likely resented their 'interference'. Sometimes you just have to let your children learn their own lessons.

Most parents with any sense would have tried to at least talk to you about the power imbalance and the liklihood that he was looking for someone young and vulnerable OP because he can't deal with women his own age.

It's a cop out to suggest that never broaching the subject at all is excusable just in case you take it the wrong way.

Then of course you get those idiot patents who still think it's 1950 and that an older man with a job is as much as any girl can hope for, and try and get her married off as young as possible.

The reality is that a pregnancy with a much older man at this age effectively changes a woman's entire life and stops her doing most of the things that young women are free to do.

Thankfully nowadays, we now tend to prosecute people in positions of power who exploit those under their care. Eg teachers.

@Hallyup6

Your parents would have been horrified, and rightly so. They, no doubt, didn't want you to push them away by telling you that your relationship was inappropriate. You were an adult who would have most likely resented their 'interference'. Sometimes you just have to let your children learn their own lessons.

How can you know this, @Hallyup6? Truly - how can you? Perhaps you're drawing your own inferences from what you would do, or what your parents would have done, but that's it.

@whiteblinds Is your relationship with your parents such that you can ask them now about it? Not in an accusatory way, but just “having a chat”? You may discover that they had their reservations but didn’t know how to voice them. I think the fact that you are the eldest may have been a contributory factor to their seeming indifference to your relationship. You may have come across as mature and not needing their advice or help. Have a talk with them. It may put your mind at ease.

Nearly everyone in my family has a 10-15 year age gap (mines by far the smallest at only 5 years between me and DH) and we all met our older partners when in our teens and are still happy and stable decades on.

I dont think parents have any right to interfere in their kids love lives and I certainly dont think age matter between consenting adults.

@WhatMattersMost

It sounds like you haven't felt guided and protected by your parents - and it also sounds like you're correct in feeling this way. Ignore the posters who are basing their responses on an assumption that you came from a healthy background.

Perhaps now you're starting to realise the extent of a certain type of neglect. It might be worth finding someone to talk to about this, because you won't get support from your family, and you're also not going to get the support you want and need here.

Yep, this.

truthfully, this wouldnt raise that many eyebrows where I live and I say this because there are some real immature people in their 30s who rub shoulders with the younger crowds regularly on the weekends at the pubs and clubs.

I think it really depends on the individual. is it weird because they are a teenager? I dont know - I didn't live at home at 19 and although I am a lot more mature now, for all intents and purposes, I was an adult at that age who did everything for myself.

however, I do have a cousin who has just turned 19 who I would be a bit hmm if someone in their 30s was interested in her, purely because she is so so immature I couldnt imagine what the common interests would be.

@CrazyNeighbour

Because teenagers are so well known for listening to good advice.

The fact you are now trying to shift the blame onto your parents is really unfair.

Can you try to be honest about how open you are to advice and listening to anything you don’t want to hear?

Maybe they took the least worst option of saying nothing and letting you work it out for yourself.

Part of being an adult is the freedom to make shit choices that you either live with, or decide to change your mind on.

This

You’re never going to be happy with your life if you’re always looking for a scapegoat to blame your own poor decisions on.

You were 19 not 15.

@ForensicFlossy

When I was 18 I was seeing a 33 year old for about 9 months. I was mature for my age, he was slightly immature, we met in the middle. It wasn't abusive, he was a lovely man. Not all relationships like this are abusive.

Almost the same, we were together for two years and lived together. We had a lovely time. Ironically I grew out of the relationship because I found him too immature and emotional.

I was similar, I was 17 and he was 39. Definitely groomed. He was my A level tutor at college.
My Mum wouldn’t have given a shit, He was a year younger than her
Awful.

My friend had a similar story, she met a 33 year old man when she was 19, they dated and moved in together. Her parents did not approve of the age gap and told my friend. She didn't listen, but the relationship ran its course in 3-4 years.

Like some others have said it feels to me like this may be just one aspect of your relationship with your parents that - as a whole - felt emotionally negligent or neglectful; and that is the real issue.

It sounds like you were one of four, the one who was considered capable and so all their time and attention went to the others when you also desperately needed to feel they were there to emotionally support you too.

Maybe you ended up in this relationship because you were desperate to feel loved and that someone was there for you and you didn't have that growing up from your parents. I think people often really underestimate the impact of this sort of thing and how easy it is for young people to end up in unsuitable relationships because of it. xxx

Why should they have said something, you were an adult. Its not like you were 16 fresh out of school.

@Killahangilion

You’re never going to be happy with your life if you’re always looking for a scapegoat to blame your own poor decisions on.

You were 19 not 15.

OP was asking if her parent should have said something. It's piss poor that they didn't at the very least talk to her gauge the situation their daughter was in. Every relationship needs navigation. Most adults do talk theses things through with others.

I just think there's no point in dwelling in the past, especially 16 years ago. What ifs can be said for many things, but it doesn't actually change anything. Present is more important and you can actually change things now, not in the past.

OP was asking if her parent should have said something. It's piss poor that they didn't at the very least talk to her gauge the situation their daughter was in. Every relationship needs navigation. Most adults do talk theses things through with others.

She was 19 not 15.

I think the fact that he was your driving Instructor seems very off.However as PP have pointed out ,would you have listened to DP at the time? The more parents try to dissuade ,the more the youngsters dig their heels in ,and see older men as "exciting" or more experienced than guys their own age are.

I can see your point OP - but speaking as a Mum of two late teens if they were in that situation I wouldn't know whether to say anything or not. If you just ask a question they can jump to the conclusion that you're criticising and then you can drive them further away. Perhaps your DM didn't know what to say or do to help - but she may have been very worried and hoped it would fizzle out.

So did it work out? Are you still together or how long did it last? Maybe your DM's strategy paid off.

@Pyewackect, I am autistic, I could not have made such decisions at 19. You’re victim blaming.

Similar here. I was 19, he was 29/30. Dated for 8 months. Parents I am sure had their private feelings about it but I wasn't living with them at the time so they just stayed out of it. It fizzled out on it's own thankfully - which I am sure they knew it would!