I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old

[whiteblinds]

Shouldn't my parents have at least said something to me? AIBU?

Surely that age gap should have rung some alarm bells?

@Stinkycatbreath careful in case they offend you? If you're so fragile why do you read posts like this where people will voice commonly held opinions on subjects you are sensitive about? There's a reason people are wary of men who have form for going after young girlfriends, more often than not they are seeking the imbalance of power in a relationship. There are more horror stories than nice stories sadly, but you chose a good 'un, have a medal 🏅

I was with a man 10 years older than me when I was 17. My parents didn't say anything and I'm honest enough to know if they'd tried to stop me I wouldn't have listened (and we had a good relationship).
He was actually lovely and we were together and living together for 8 years
At 19 you have to take responsibility for the choices you made.
If your parents never paid much attention why did you suddenly think they would?

I think it's pretty common. Aged 16-19 a lot of my boyfriends were ten or more years older than me. My parents didn't know but I certainly would not have listened to any advice from them.

I'm not justifying it, just saying it's not that uncommon an experience.

I left home just after my 16th birthday and moved half way across the country. My parents did nothing, my DD is nearly the same age and there is no way I'd let her do that. Like you OP, I really do question some of my parents choices.

I don't think there is ever a one-size-fits-all response.

Of course it would. I would have been furious if my DD had been in the situation, but it would be unlikely my DD would listen.

These predatory men count on that.

You would think they would say something, yes, but at age 19, you are an adult : old enough to drink, smoke, have sex, join the army, get married, have children .....and old enough to not blame others for your choices.

Depends. When I was 21yo I started a serious live in relationship with a 35yo man. It was fantastic. There was no abuse. No imbalance of power. We were very happy together for several years and in the end it was the age gap that played a part in breaking up, he got sick of putting his own life on hold ‘following’ me while I was establishing my career and waiting for me to want children. He was a great guy, we had a great time, I’ve got no regrets.

I was 18 and met my now DH when he was 28 that was 21 years ago.

No one said anything. I was quite mature though, working full time, bought my first house at 19.

That said he wasn't my driving instructor I guess it could be perceived he took advantage of you?

People are at different maturity levels at that age I think, so what works for one wont work for all.

Some horrible responses on here.

OP, I'm sorry. Your driving instructor was in a position of authority and should not have been targeting young women. I hear it happen quite frequently, unfortunately. Predators seek out positions of trust. I know of two friends who have been stalked by driving instructors.

I class that kind of dynamic as enormously inappropriate at very best, if not abusive.

As pps have said, though, parents are in a hard position. Have you more support around you, now?

When I was 19 I got with a man nearly 10 years my senior. We’re now married and have a child. He’s an amazing husband and father.

My point is that I imagine your family were unsure, but realistically there was nothing they could do, plus we’re there signs that he was dodgy? A friend of mine has an even bigger age gap and she was a few years younger when she met her DH. They’ve been together for over 15 years. Big age gaps don’t automatically mean bad people, so it’s a tricky situation to judge from the outside I think.

I don't know what this "20 years ago" stuff is about.
I was 19 in 1979. At that time my parents would have definitely tried to balance their concerns against not wanting to back me into any corners. So probably my mum would have sat me down and gently explained what their concerns were, but been very clear that they supported me in my decisions. They would not have taken any action to separate me from the family by excluding him and would have been polite to him. They would have been there watching out for me and ready to give support when/of it was needed.
At 19 we're adults, and possibly were more so back then. My friends and I were certainly more independent than most young people that age that I know now. If I'd been 15 or 16 of course their reaction would have been different.

Unless there was actual abuse going on i think your parents did the right thing. at 19 you're an adult. if they had it would have alienated you and maybe even made the relationship last longer and get more intense to prove them wrong.

Not quite the same age gap but at 21 i dated a guy of 30. he was terrible to me (not abusive but not a great bf). My parents were clear of their disdain but it made me feel like i had to make it work just to be right.

I think the difference here is - OP do you think you were groomed into this relationship? Do you feel like no one rescued you? X

@Bluedeblue

You would think they would say something, yes, but at age 19, you are an adult : old enough to drink, smoke, have sex, join the army, get married, have children .....and old enough to not blame others for your choices.

OP has said they are not trying to blame them.

I think OP just wanted them to be more 'present' and interested in her well-being. It's not wrong to say something when an adult gets into a situation which may be precarious. We do thins with our partners and friends all the time, offering advice. Why then is there an expectation that after 18 a parent should say nothing.

I feel absolutely let down by mine. I suffered neglect in many ways and not speaking up when I was in a similar situation just compounded the feeling that they did not care.

my dm was very critical of my older dp, words fell on my deaf ears,

Not all men who date younger women are predators. My mum was living with a 35 year old at the age of 19. They ended up happily married for 40 years, were wonderful parents and grandparents and adored each other. Theirs was the happiest relationship I’ve ever seen, and they were always equals who worked as a team in every aspect of life.

@AbsolutelyPatsy

my dm was very critical of my older dp, words fell on my deaf ears,

Yes, but your deaf ears heard her care, heard her interest, heard her try.

Did you do it for attention to see if they would notice and intervene? Usually if that's the case, there's a reason to think they won't (and they often dont). If they had said something similarly would probably view it that they were interfering, this is probably a no win situation for anybody. I don't think at 19 it's too bad though, I would be if you were 16 or under.

Was seeing a 29 year old at 20... I don’t have an issue with it.

Thinking about it - my parents have a 12 year age gap and met when Mum was 20. One of my happiest relationships was with a man 13 years older than me. I'm quite amazed at them but one of the happiest marriages I know is between my friend who is 60 and her husband who is 80.
Maybe parents are more protective of young adults these days (19 is definitely an adult in my book) and that's reflected in some of the comments here. Young adults are more likely to be still living with parents - for reasons beyond their control and that might in some way explain this. In the late 70's/early 80's a lot of my friends were leaving home by the time they were 19 or 20 and living independent lives. Those who went to uni tended not to return home after. Yes - fortunate to be able to do that and that's a different discussion - but what I'm saying is that we were adults living our own lives and making our own decisions.

It sounds like you haven't felt guided and protected by your parents - and it also sounds like you're correct in feeling this way. Ignore the posters who are basing their responses on an assumption that you came from a healthy background.

Perhaps now you're starting to realise the extent of a certain type of neglect. It might be worth finding someone to talk to about this, because you won't get support from your family, and you're also not going to get the support you want and need here.

@WhatMattersMost

It sounds like you haven't felt guided and protected by your parents - and it also sounds like you're correct in feeling this way. Ignore the posters who are basing their responses on an assumption that you came from a healthy background.

Perhaps now you're starting to realise the extent of a certain type of neglect. It might be worth finding someone to talk to about this, because you won't get support from your family, and you're also not going to get the support you want and need here.

This ^

I was stunned when I went to the NSPCC website and read their definitions of the different types of neglect. And how it is abuse. If you feel there is a history growing up then definitely explore this. I used to get angry thinking about certain situations but it wasn't good for me so I had to make my peace with it. Yes my mother was neglectful, but my anger can't change it. We are NC after I realised (in my late 30s btw) that I had even suffered neglect/abuse.

A school friend of mine was in a similar position. 19, had an affair with her much older, married driving instructor. Her very religious parents had a lot to say about it, so much so that she rebelled, left her faith, left home and moved in with him. So the polar opposite approach to your parents but the exact same result. Young people do stupid things with or without good parental guidance.