Page 2 | I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 10/05/2021 08:21

I was in an abusive relationship where he was only 6 years older. I said to my parents,
later on when I'd managed to get out of it, that I'd needed their help but they didn't give it. They said I wouldn't have listened, but I bloody well would've! I just needed someone to tell me it was wrong. And I was really close to my parents at that time so I valued their opinion. I was just in a shit situation and needed some help and someone to tell me what was happening wasn't right and I had the right to finish the relationship. That's 10 years I'll never get back

BoyTree · 10/05/2021 08:22

The age gap in itself isn't necessarily an issue - what do you think your parents should have noticed beyond that?

Sittingonabench · 10/05/2021 08:27

Seriously? You want to blame your parents for decisions you made as a young adult? Own your own decisions and learn from them if they turn out to be mistakes. Slopey shoulders get you nowhere.

Original poster

whiteblinds · 10/05/2021 08:29

Out of interest, what’s your relationship with your parents usually like? Is this the only thing they’ve done that bothers you or is this part of a whole load of other instances?

A whole load of stuff - general apathy/sometimes neglect. Four younger siblings meant no time for me I suppose, plus I was actually very capable of looking after myself for the most part. Looking back I need more attention, guidance etc, I just had to drag myself up and learn from my own mistakes

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newnortherner111 · 10/05/2021 08:30

OP you did not say how long ago it was. Remember that the crimes of Jimmy Savile were not known about until after his death, the current safeguarding processes for schools are a noughties thing, and church cover ups of clerical abuse really only came to light within the last 20 years.

Yes if you were 19 today I would expect parents to comment and try to stop you, but I would not have expected it 20 years ago given the attitudes and knowledge of that time.

Original poster

whiteblinds · 10/05/2021 08:33

The fact you are now trying to shift the blame onto your parents is really unfair.

I'm not shifting blame. I'm wondering if they could have at least mentioned it, to show they cared or even noticed

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Original poster

whiteblinds · 10/05/2021 08:35

@flashylamp

I don't think it the 'would you have listened' to your parents is relevant. I was in a not too dissimilar situation when i was 17-19 and nobody tried to stop or help me. That hurt more as an adult when I began to see the 'relationship' for what it was, than the actual situation itself.

Exactly this. No one even tried

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Original poster

whiteblinds · 10/05/2021 08:35

@newnortherner111

OP you did not say how long ago it was. Remember that the crimes of Jimmy Savile were not known about until after his death, the current safeguarding processes for schools are a noughties thing, and church cover ups of clerical abuse really only came to light within the last 20 years.

Yes if you were 19 today I would expect parents to comment and try to stop you, but I would not have expected it 20 years ago given the attitudes and knowledge of that time.

It was 16 years ago

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Original poster

whiteblinds · 10/05/2021 08:36

@Sittingonabench

Seriously? You want to blame your parents for decisions you made as a young adult? Own your own decisions and learn from them if they turn out to be mistakes. Slopey shoulders get you nowhere.

I'm not blaming anyone.

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Frannyhy · 10/05/2021 08:37

I was also 19 when I started seeing a man of 33. My parents thought he was too old, and that I was too young to have the unselfish qualities needed to date a man with young children.

However, they didn’t try to stop me and the relationship ran its course.

beela · 10/05/2021 08:38

@flashylamp

I don't think it the 'would you have listened' to your parents is relevant. I was in a not too dissimilar situation when i was 17-19 and nobody tried to stop or help me. That hurt more as an adult when I began to see the 'relationship' for what it was, than the actual situation itself.

My relationship was not abusive and I think my parents handled it really well actually. My mum did approach it but gently.

OwlBeThere · 10/05/2021 08:42

The bloke who abused me and tried to kill me in the end was 6 weeks older than me.

My husband of 20 years was the one who put me back together emotionally after that first as a friend snd then a relationship, he is much older than me.

flashylamp · 10/05/2021 08:43

@beela

I never mentioned 'abusive' - have you quoted the wrong person?

ElphabaTWitch · 10/05/2021 08:46

Would you have listened to them? Would it have made your resolve to stay with him stronger? It can be hard being a parent trying to do the right things...

Stinkycatbreath · 10/05/2021 08:46

I think people need to be very careful about age gap relationships making sweeping generalisations about every relationship is not fair. While there are some relationships which may be coercive or abusive. I have the belief that this can happen at any age. I thinkits wbout so many variables. While I agree there are some relationships which are a bit ick and creepy some young women in their early twenties are like I was. Financially independent, knew my own mind able make my own decisions and make good balanced choices. I made a decsion that I wouldbe with and marry a kind gentle man who is 13 years my senior. We are still happily married. Im nearly 40 now. Please take care with quite frankly sweeping suumptuons that you are making.

minniemomo · 10/05/2021 08:48

Would you have taken any notice of them? The problem intervening in the personal lives of young people once an adult is that it can alienate them. It's a fine line!

MaskingForIt · 10/05/2021 08:49

I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old. Shouldn't my parents have at least said something to me? AIBU?

I bet you thought you were really big and clever, and I doubt you would have listened to them. 19 year olds can go to war, so I am sure you could make a decision about your relationship and take responsibility for it.

Original poster

whiteblinds · 10/05/2021 08:52

@MaskingForIt

I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old. Shouldn't my parents have at least said something to me? AIBU?

I bet you thought you were really big and clever, and I doubt you would have listened to them. 19 year olds can go to war, so I am sure you could make a decision about your relationship and take responsibility for it.

You bet wrong, but thanks..

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QueeniesCroft · 10/05/2021 08:53

Him being your driving instructor changes it slightly, I think. I would have had something to say about that in your parents' place, but they may have worried that trying to talk to you about it would be seen as interference and drive you further away. Was he controlling or otherwise abusive to you?

At 18 I was engaged to a man who was 31. It wasn't an abusive relationship, but it was a bit unwise. He was very good to me though and I don't regret it. The decisions we make at 19 often turn out to be wrong for us, or unwise, but it's all part of growing up and working out what is right for us.

Buby51 · 10/05/2021 08:53

I was 20 when I met my partner - he was 33. We've been together a decade lived together for 7 years! No one ever said anything with us. Despite the age gap we were at similar life stages. I already had my oldest ds and had my own place, he was back living with mum after a breakdown of a long term relationship with someone who didn't want to fully settle or have children. He wanted to settle down. We met, we had and still have so much in common, our age gap has never been an issue. He sold his flat and we bought a house together! Sometimes age is just a number! He has siblings my age and younger than me which I think helped as he just seemed younger.

Looking back maybe people did think it was odd but for me it never felt like that. We were and still are very compatible!

FrozenCucumberPresse · 10/05/2021 08:55

YABU.

You were an adult, making the decision to live with another adult.

I imagine in 99% of cases a parent trying to tell an adult child how to conduct their relationships would go down like a cup of cold sick. As your parents they knew you and were best placed to know whether to say something or not. There was a reason they didn't!

To be honest I think just as lots of parents find it hard to accept that their adult children are no longer under any kind of control, some kids also find it hard to accept once they're legally an adult that they're responsible for their own decisions now. At the time was a part of you wishing someone would come and take it out of your control and 'make' you stop seeing him?

People in general tend to be aware that if you try and split a relationship up when it's your grown or teenage kids it'll just push them together more, us against the world kinda thing, and alienate them. So I think it's far more common to accept that even if you don't like your child dating someone older there's nothing you can do about it so it's better to be quietly supportive and not damage the relationship between you.

flashylamp · 10/05/2021 08:56

I bet you thought you were really big and clever, and I doubt you would have listened to them. 19 year olds can go to war, so I am sure you could make a decision about your relationship and take responsibility for it.

Who is acting big and clever now

You do know not all 19 year olds are the same? They all deal with things differently and are at different maturity levels? You know that all 19 year olds who 'go to war' are not actually emotionally equipped to deal with such a task?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2021 08:57

Do you think in some way you chose to embark upon this relationship to test whether they would notice, care, act?

Northernparent68 · 10/05/2021 09:01

An age gap is nt necessarily a problem

FrozenCucumberPresse · 10/05/2021 09:02

"I bet you thought you were really big and clever, and I doubt you would have listened to them. 19 year olds can go to war, so I am sure you could make a decision about your relationship and take responsibility for it."

What an odd comment. There's nothing big or clever about two adults moving in together, it's a very normal mundane run of the mill occurrence. Are you okay? Your perceptions seem a bit off?