I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old

[whiteblinds]

Shouldn't my parents have at least said something to me? AIBU?

Surely that age gap should have rung some alarm bells?

[mainsfed]

YANBU, my parents would have gone ape shit at that.

[WhatMattersMost]

Something I'm discussing at length with my psychotherapist.

I'm really glad you're seeing someone @whiteblinds. It sounds like you're working something through, and it may be that you came on here consciously wanting validation, but unfortunately unconsciously sought out, and found, more of your parents' lack of compassion and concern than you'd bargained for. (I'm a therapist.)

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

Sorry, forgot to finish the post. I wanted to say that at 19 you probably wouldn’t have listened to your parents anyway, would you? I know my friend didn’t listen to her Mum!

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

My friend met her DH at 19, there’s a 36 year age gap so he was 55 when they met. They’re still together now a decade on and seem happy. Her Mother was absolutely mortified at first and didn’t want to speak to her for quite a long time, she just didn’t understand it. All good between them now. Still weirds me out a bit, I think the strangest thing is the fact his children are around our age... Also can’t imagine finding a man in his mid 60s attractive at all. He isn’t a hunky silver fox type either, he’s bald and overweight.

[SunshineCake]

Your OP reads as though you blame your parents so maybe consider how you come across.

[billy1966]

Of course your parents should have spoken to you about their reservations.

Whether you would have paid any attention is another matter.

By telling you they were concerned and didn't think it was right, and to please come home asap if anything feels off or you are unhappy, you would have had a clear out, if you needed it.

Parents can't force you to do their bidding but they can tell you that they are there for you if things go tits up.

That's what I would do.

I would be appalled if my 19 year old daughter moved in with a 33 year old man.

As for her father😳

[JackieTheFart]

My sister had a similar relationship. Nothing my parents could have said would have changed her mind, it would have made her dig her heels in more.

I think they were in between a rock and a hard place. Of course if it’s just another thing in a long line of things they ignored then it might be something more.

[steff13]

Have you discussed it with your parents? You are assuming they didn't care, which may well be true, but maybe they didn't know what to do or say. Or maybe they were afraid of alienating you.

[whiteblinds]

@SunshineCake

I was with a 35 year old at 19.

Why couldn't you take responsibility at nineteen. Don't blame your parents for a choice you made that you might regret.

I'm not blaming anyone!

[whiteblinds]

@FrozenCucumberPresse

Because I think it's pretty strange, that's why. Someone posts asking something, lots of people reply, and then the original poster comes back and cherry picks a few select replies they don't like to give a very short response to and ignores the rest. It's not like they've posted it, gone off to work and not come back to it, they're monitoring and reading it all.

It does make me want to know what someone is after. If they just want to vent then that's fine but worth making it clear in the OP so people aren't wasting their time replying.

I've had a very busy morning and have commented quickly where I needed to defend myself a little bit.

I have taken all the nice and supportive messages in, and some people have really hit it on the head about it being a much bigger problem of feeling invisible to my parents. Something I'm discussing at length with my psychotherapist.

[SunshineCake]

I was with a 35 year old at 19.

Why couldn't you take responsibility at nineteen. Don't blame your parents for a choice you made that you might regret.

[Hazel444]

How old were your parents when they got married etc OP? - if they married in their early 20s as a lot of people did back then, then they probably thought at 19 you were capable of making your own decisions? It does seem like a large age gap to me though - especially at that age. What have your parents' said when you've brought it up with them?

[Itwontstopraining]

Christ there's some harsh responses in here. From the OP's updates its very clear that the example given was in the pattern of neglect and disinterest by her parents, so no wonder she's perceived this example in that context of 'they didn't care'

All those posters saying that they obviously would have cared but the OP would automatically have ignored them should be ashamed. Yes you may be lucky where your parents automatically gave a shit about you but for some people that isn't a given.

[fairyannie]

[quote OwlBeThere]@fairyannie nope, even then it would have been 30+[/quote]
How would I have known about it if I hadn't read it on my notes?

I'm forgetful about some things but I certainly remember this. The midwife (Sue) and I had a conversation about it.

🤔🙄

[OwlBeThere]

@fairyannie nope, even then it would have been 30+

[fairyannie]

[quote OwlBeThere]@fairyannie you are not an elderly primagravida at 25! If that was on your notes that was an error. EPG is usually 35+[/quote]
I was thirty years ago.

[OwlBeThere]

@fairyannie you are not an elderly primagravida at 25! If that was on your notes that was an error. EPG is usually 35+

[FrozenCucumberPresse]

Because I think it's pretty strange, that's why. Someone posts asking something, lots of people reply, and then the original poster comes back and cherry picks a few select replies they don't like to give a very short response to and ignores the rest. It's not like they've posted it, gone off to work and not come back to it, they're monitoring and reading it all.

It does make me want to know what someone is after. If they just want to vent then that's fine but worth making it clear in the OP so people aren't wasting their time replying.

[CirclesWithinCircles]

@FrozenCucumberPresse

You've had a lot of feedback OP, but ignored most of it to focus instead on disagreeing with people whose comments you don't like. What were you looking for here?

Why do people say stuff like this? It's pretty obvious the OP is disturbed by her age gap relationship with this much older man at such a young age, and is looking for support from other women.

The internet seems to go crazy in terms of being incredibly nasty around elections, but it's also becoming apparent that women in massive age gap relationships are far more likely to post on mumsnet in the middle of what for many is their working day, for whatever reason.

[fairyannie]

I think you're being unreasonable. Also, not very mature. If you say you are capable - why can't you decide who to have relationship with? If you've made a mistake you accept it and move on.

Why are adult's choices the responsibility of their parents?

Are today's young people being brought up to overly rely on parents being there to hold their hands?

At 19 I had just acquired a mortgage with my then boyfriend. We married six months later when I was 20. I've been married 34 years. Not saying it's been a bed of roses but we're very happy with ourselves/our families. Our children are very happy to share their families with us (corona permitting) we have close relationships with all of our children and our in-laws and wider families. (Not saying everyone is 'perfect' but we all get along and treat everyone with respect.)

Nineteen year old's are entitled to make life decisions.

Everyone learns from their own mistakes. People generally don't learn from other people's hindsight.

Both of our daughters met their partners when they were 20.

Both of my daughters have partners who are 13 years older. They both own their own homes. We have four grandchildren.

Their partners are loving and supportive (great personalities) and their partners' families are lovely. There is nothing controlling or perverted about either of them. Neither of their partners have have children from previous relationships.

There's nothing wrong with making these sort of decisions at a younger age.

Lots of people on here regard women in their twenties as 'young mothers' in a derogative way because the current trend is to have babies at a later age. I had the term elderly primigravida on my maternity notes as I had my first baby at 25. My own mother had children at 33 and 35 yrs so it's not new. I am so happy to have had my children ten years younger than my own mother because I can do lots more practical things to help my children/grandchildren. My parents were 60 when I had children and both in ill-health but I was a SAHM whilst my children were older - my daughters' salaries are needed for them to live comfortably.

Both my daughters commented on being made to feel bad because most mothers to be at their appointments/in their experience were older and in cliques which excluded younger mothers.

Why are couples who have had families earlier looked down upon? I'm so happy that my daughters started families in their twenties - it was right for them. They can now continue to advance their careers. I wouldn't have dreamt of saying 'your partners are far too old' or 'you're having children far too young and ruining your lives'. I respect any decision they make. (Although I have not agreed with some choices - I have stood back and let things go.)

Why should parents be made to feel guilty for not intervening in the decisions that another adult makes?

We offer advice and help (I've looked after my grandchildren when their mums return to work) when asked but wouldn't dream of undermining decisions made by our adult children. We brought them up to be independent.

One of my daughters asked me if it would be ok to accept a date from someone much older than her as she thought we wouldn't approve, but she didn't realise her sister's partner was the same age difference. Of course we don't mind who our children chose as partners. Their own judgement has to come before ours.

If they make mistakes we will help them to pick up the pieces if they want us to.

[BarryTheKestrel]

At 17 I was dating a 25 year old. I don't think his age ever came up in conversation with my parents, they'd met him and knew he was older, but he didn't look his age so it was never really a thing. They didn't like him for a variety of reasons, his age not being one of them. We lasted 4 years before I realised I was growing up and he just wasn't. The reason we worked despite the age gap was his serious immaturity.

At 19, yes you probably needed some guidance from your parents, but at 19 I know I wouldn't(and didn't) have listened to their concerns in a meaningful way, even if I had doubts myself.

[Rewis]

I'm not in the camp of everything being your own business once you are over 18. I don't think saying anything would have had an effect or parents meddling etc. I do think parents/friends should say something if there is something that they deem off. It can be something casual like how do you feel about the age difference? Or how do you feel about him having 3 kids with 3 different women. I think it shows caring. End result might be the same but at least you can retrospectively think about parents caring.

[Quailpoop]

I don't see it as such a big deal? When DH was 18 or 19 he was in a relationship and living with a woman in her mid 30s with 2 kids. Bit odd but that's it.

[FrozenCucumberPresse]

You've had a lot of feedback OP, but ignored most of it to focus instead on disagreeing with people whose comments you don't like. What were you looking for here?