I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old

[whiteblinds]

Shouldn't my parents have at least said something to me? AIBU?

Surely that age gap should have rung some alarm bells?

[FrozenCucumberPresse]

[quote Gilead]@Pyewackect, I am autistic, I could not have made such decisions at 19. You’re victim blaming.[/quote]
Who's a victim here? OP hasn't said she's autistic or was in any way unable to make her own decisions like a neurotypical adult. Pyewacket was referring to OP's situation, not yours.

[Eaststreet]

I was going out with a 31 year old when I was 20.
My parents knew it wouldn’t last, and afterwards told me how much they hated him (looking back I can see why). But I was an adult, I had to make my own mistakes and my parents warning me wouldn’t have made me break up with him at the time. Now I’m a lot older, I don’t really know what I saw in him, but I’m glad my parents gave me the space to figure out my own life.

[Iyland]

I was 19 and met my then 36 year old boyfriend who I ended up marrying and having DD1 with. The marriage didn't work but not because of the age gap.

If either of my DDs found themselves in a similar relationship it would be entirely person dependent, if he was a good man who treated her well then she's an adult and can choose for herself. If he was a wrong 'un I'd speak to her but ultimately support her in her choice so if/when it all went arse to the wind she would hopefully feel she could come to me.

[EmeraldShamrock]

It's unfortunate so many of us had a bad experience like this.
Life is a learning curve men like them are full manipulation and go for younger women for a reason.
An experienced woman would see through them.
Put the experience behind you.

[Iyland]

Also the most my parents really said against him was my dad after a few whispering to me "you could do so much better" as I gave him a cuddle goodbye. I knew he was right and it didn't last long after that.

[SoMuchForSummerLove]

I don't know, it's not black and white.

When I was 20 I moved in with my boyfriend who was 30. For both of us it was our first time moving out of our parents house, and despite the gap we were at a similar stage in life.

We split up but it was nothing to do with the age gap, he was a decent person.

It depends if he was controlling and taking advantage of you in that sense. But you were both technically adults.

[BirdsRoundandRound]

What is it with driving instructors?
I had a horrible experience with mine at the age of 17/18, he was really pervy and at one point tried to kiss me when I was upset that I'd failed a test! Total disgusting man, but I didn't have the guts or confidence to take myself out of the situation. I just felt utter relief when I finally passed, but he would have had no qualms about capitalising on the fact we had to sit in close proximity for long periods of time.

The worst thing was he was actually engaged to be married at the time - to a girl in the year above me (so 19) who he also met when he was her driving instructor. He openly admitted that he had caused her to fail her test on multiple times so he could spend more time with her. I felt so sorry for that girl.

Yes at that age you are technically an adult, but relationships like that are skewed and it's difficult to see at the time how you are being manipulated or groomed.

Yuck.

[Faultymain5]

Yes, your parents should have said something like "we love you, but we're concerned about this relationsihp because the age difference naturally means you are in different stages if life. This does not mean we do not approve of him, it does not mean the relationship will not go well, but if there is anything wrong, you are always welcome to discuss with us anything worrying you. We will not be banging on about this, as you are an adult and we trust you to make decisions that are right for you and we would never try to interfere in your relationships. Hopefully you take this with the love that was intended."

After that you'd still have gone out with him and you'd have still made that decision for you. But yes, I do think as a parent, even if the child is an adult, I should say if I have concerns about anything. After that it's up to you as an adult.

[flashylamp]

@Pyewackect

OP was asking if her parent should have said something. It's piss poor that they didn't at the very least talk to her gauge the situation their daughter was in. Every relationship needs navigation. Most adults do talk theses things through with others.

She was 19 not 15.

I'm not sure what your point it?

[Iyland]

What an incredibly lovely and supportive way to put it faulty

[worriedatthemoment]

I think by sound of your update its more than this that your parents have let you down for as you mention no attention etc previous to this relationship.
I think age gap relationships should be judged on each individual circumstances but in general parents look out for their kids and maybe would say something about any relationship they have concerns about
I know when I was 17 nearly 18 I was seeing a 27 year old and my mum voiced her concerns but didn't stop me as she couldn't, the relationship didn't last long though as he was actually still a bit immature and we wanted different things.

[nancywhitehead]

You were 19 and an adult.

When I was 19 I was with someone 11 years older than me. We stayed together for years and years, eventually split up but it wasn't to do with the age. He was a good person and a good partner.

I'm not sure why you expected your parents to step in. I would have really resented my parents giving me relationship advice at that age unless they actually thought I was being abused.

[newnortherner111]

Back to my earlier comment about when it was being a factor as to whether or not I would expect parents to try and intervene. Nowadays there is also greater recognition of people in some position of power and authority (teachers, university lecturers, even managers) and I think a driving instructor comes into it.

So if it was today, I would expect a parent to try and intervene.

[Wife2b]

Why are you trying to shift blame onto your parents? As if you’d of listened at 19. Own your mistakes, take accountability for your decision making and learn from them in the future.

[AcornCups]

The issue is his position as your driving instructor. My friend was sleeping with a married man from age 18 , he had been her swimming coach from about age 14. That’s was a definite case of grooming.

I had a short relationship of two months with a college lecturer when I was 17 and in sixth form, he was 26. We met in the pub both drunk dancing to a well known local band. It ended because I didn’t want to sleep with him. When he realised how young I was on our first actual date which was going to watch ET at the cinema he should have backed off. We remained on friendly terms. My Mother knew but didn’t bat an eyelid.

I would say something but not expect a teen to actually listen, if anything it makes it a star crossed lovers rebellion thing.

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

Had you dated before the 33 year old?

[whiteblinds]

@Wife2b

Why are you trying to shift blame onto your parents? As if you’d of listened at 19. Own your mistakes, take accountability for your decision making and learn from them in the future.

At least read my updates.

[flashylamp]

@Wife2b

Why are you trying to shift blame onto your parents? As if you’d of listened at 19. Own your mistakes, take accountability for your decision making and learn from them in the future.

Have you even listened to what OP has said?

[AgathaAllAlong]

I agree with you OP they should have voiced concern, although not push the issue. Happened to my closest friend. Her parents voiced concern, she thanked them but said she knew what she was doing, parents had to accept and welcomed him from then on. Anything else would have ruined the relationship with their daughter. But at least they tried.

[Treemama]

How did that relationship turn out OP?

[Crunchymum]

When I was 19 I had a relationship with a 27yo.

To this day it remains one of my most loving, respectful and secure relationships.

It didn't last as we were in different stages of our life.

My parents probably wanted to put a stop to it but they both swallowed their feelings and let it run its course. I remain very impressed with how they handled it to be honest (I was the eldest of 4 kids so they'd not had any experience)

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

At 17 I met a 29 year old married man who told me he was divorced - he left his wife and moved in with me when I was 18. My parents hated him but tolerated our relationship to keep me in touch with them - they knew I would choose him over them and worried about me. He was a colleague at work and definitely didn't groom me, I was just gullible enough to believe he was divorced. We went from just saying hi to full on snogging without much in between!

He was abusive but I don't think that was linked to the age gap. He was just a twat. My DH was even older than him, we met when I was 20 and he was 42, and was the most amazing man I have ever met. We had an equal and loving relationship.

Long story short, sometimes it is better for parents to not interfere but to offer support and love when it's needed.

[FrozenCucumberPresse]

You've had a lot of feedback OP, but ignored most of it to focus instead on disagreeing with people whose comments you don't like. What were you looking for here?

[Quailpoop]

I don't see it as such a big deal? When DH was 18 or 19 he was in a relationship and living with a woman in her mid 30s with 2 kids. Bit odd but that's it.