AIBU to be hating my child?

[byathread20]

My DS is 4 and has what I believe to be undiagnosed autism. Strong family history including his older sibling.
Truth is, I find myself wishing I had never had him. I know how that sounds and I hate myself for it but he is so spiteful, unreasonable and just generally unpleasant to be around. He splits our lips on a regular basis, has given us black eyes, has broken £££‘s of our belongings. He doesn’t respond to behaviour techniques and joke of it is, in my line of work, I am very confident in these strategies.

He is making his sibling’s life miserable to the point where they recently said they wish he’d never been born. I just don’t understand it, he can’t enjoy being like this either, surely.

I have asked for support for whoever will listen: HV, GP, child development centre, social services. All I’ve been told is “in your line of work, you know what you’re doing with him. You’re doing a good job.” Clearly I’m not given how violent he is!

He’s had a stage one assessment for autism but they said as he’s so friendly, it’s unlikely (which is rubbish as was told sake about older child and they received a diagnosis some years later once school picked up on issues.)

I had a call from SS after I self-referred from help and they literally sent me some links through for autism support (even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis) and a link for a local care charity that can fit door alarms. (We’ve had to put locks on kitchen door as he turns oven on in the middle of the night and had locks fitted on windows as he gets out onto the roof if left alone for more than a couple of minutes).

I found the HV infuriating as she said “clearly you just can’t leave him alone at all.” He took a knife out the drawer and tried to cut a melon open when I ran upstairs (literally ran) to have a wee.

I don’t have a second to myself except for work but I dread every weekend as it’s always the same.

Sorry for the long post but hugely struggling with him. Of course I love him but I genuinely feel that I cannot cope with him anymore.

Please can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom?

I don't think many people on this thread have spend a significant amount of time with institutional care if they are suggesting that. It should be a last resort. Some children thrive there, but the vast majority do not.The anecdotes here about children who benefit from care are older than OPs child. It's not an apples to apples comparison. There are some children where that is the best path, but even with high needs children, it's not always.

OP, I'm sorry you are overwhelmed. This thread is probably incredibly confusing and frustrating now.

You said that he is not violent with extended family. Is is possible to get help in the short term for a day or even a half day on weekends?

In the medium term, planning for private assessments?

You have said you dread weekends. You have also that he needs physical activity. In a practical way, if you plan ahead to wear him out on weekend mornings, will it make your afternoons more manageable?

Yes, when children behave like this, its always poor parenting and just tire them out! Sorry but some people are so unaware of the reality of living with a child with severe and atypical behaviour.

@Applejuju

It’s such a fine balance that we haven’t figured out yet. If it’s not enough exercise, he’s wild in the afternoons. If it’s too much, he gets so overtired which makes him more volatile. If it’s somewhere in between, we may get 20-30 minutes of him playing nicely on his own before he gets fed up which is our ideal outcome of the three.

Have you tried a visual timetable and strict routine that sticks to this OP? The VT made a world of difference to my child, a lot of her outbursts were anxiety related (you couldn't tell though!) because she just couldn't compute what was coming next.

I am not for a minute suggesting this will be an instant fix but it might help, even a bit.

It works quite well with a PDA profile too because a task (and anything can be a task even just playing) isn't a demand placed in the child. You're not telling or asking them to do anything. It's just 'what comes next'.

The tragedy is OP, that you are not even alone in this, there are hundreds of other families in the same situation and they are being fobbed off because government do not want to pick up the tab for proper care.
I know of one family who only got help after their 9 Yr old escaped and was found on a train 100 miles away. The police brought him back and said they would have to get social services involved. Family were like "Well Thank fuck for that". They had been begging for social services help for years.
It is a national disgrace and if someone wants to organise a protest rally, I will help and be there.

@SinkGirl

And definitely apply for an EHCP assessment today - template on IPSEA website - and insist that this includes a section 17 social care assessment so anything they decide is needed gets written into the plan. There’s absolutely no way they can argue he will manage at school. Not a chance.

Agree. Once he has an EHCP you could look at a residential school. It’s not going to be easy, you will have to fight for it and you’ll need an EP who is on your side and agrees that a 24 hour curriculum is the what is needed. (We have been down this route).

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP but really shocked and saddened at some of the replies posted on here. He's a little boy, just four years old fgs.
You could be describing my own son at the same age. As a family we all have scars inflicted by him, chipped bones and many many cuts and bruises.
At six I feared he would one day kill me. Every professional that visited was warned to duck as they entered and carry something to shield themselves as he had the most accurate aim and anything he could pick up was seen as a potential missile.
He was diagnosed with autism, learning difficulties and extreme challenging behaviour before his third birthday. We were assigned the support of a child psychologist and a specialist SALT and we worked as a team to address the difficulties.
Long story short but today as an adult he is the most calm and gentle young man, he hasn't hurt anyone or broke anything or thrown at anybody since he was about eight years old, he doesn't even raise his voice.
He had a reassessment and it was found he never had learning difficulties it was just that his behaviour and his determination to not comply meant that his assessment was inaccurate and he later passed 8 GCSE's and 3 level 3 B techs.
We had a lot of support through health because his behaviour was so extreme although social care deemed we didn't need any support . My advice would be to chase referrals to health and social care and keep chasing it really is a case of he who shouts loudest is heard.

So much good advice above, you must be exhausted and under an insane amount of stress. We have ASD with PDA here and using the PDA strategies has been (no exaggeration) life-changing. The PDA society has so much good info.:

www.pdasociety.org.uk/

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

@Grimbelina I don’t suppose you can link the PDA strategies? I can’t find a straight answer when I google it!

If he doesn't act out and is not violent at school, it means he does have some self control, social conditioning, and ability to self regulate.

Autistic children mask at school. Then have meltdowns when they get home.

OP, definitely look up the VCB Facebook page, it is U.K. based. PDA isn’t diagnosed much as it’s not recognised which is just so frustrating. I’ve been told my child won’t get a diagnosis because of this. There are lots of webinars on the vcb page and also look at the Explosive Child book.

“If he doesn't act out and is not violent at school, it means he does have some self control, social conditioning, and ability to self regulate.

Autistic children mask at school. Then have meltdowns when they get home.”

If course, home is (and should be) the place they are secure and safe enough to unwind, the test boundaries, and know that they are still supported and loved.

The fact that he can regulate for a day at a time, even if it’s just a “play based”, at 4, is a great sign for his future. My thought process behind that comment being that he has demonstrated some ability to control impulses already. That is huge. I have worked with kids who still, at 11 or 12, have no impulse control. Think of a teenager with the control of a two year old. For example, one child who had mild cognitive delays and no impulse control could not be stopped from hitting in school, eventually also would sometimes masturbate in school, and by 11 was in full time residential care.

At 4 there is still time to work with children, and while he might need a lot of support to get there, it’s preferable to work with him (and professionals) for his own future benefit at this age, rather than focus on his containment/damage control, the way much of this thread is.

OP (and anyone else seeking assessment but unable to afford private). If your household income is less than £45000 this charity are offering fully funded autism assessments.

I haven't looked into the finer details of eligibility but might be worth a look: campaignmailer.netinspire.co.uk/t/ViewEmail/r/064A8F14AAAA294A2540EF23F30FEDED/AA201A27A15A109984F34D0509CE8B7E?fbclid=IwAR2YDOVa70MT3pWxLwQahuGMQ6vEqgfOo5mM8xBaYnn2DrTy1133ue-09-c

@RemyMorgan

I just spoke to them about their assessment process and whilst on the phone, my son slinked off to the garden with a bottle of my daughter’s purple metallic poster paint and has covered everything, the fence, the shed, the garden table and himself. My head feels like it’s going to explode. If this was a job, I’d quit in all honesty.

Hi there, here are some links:

autismwestmidlands.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/PDA-1.pdf

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/parents-and-carers

www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

[quote byathread20]@funnylittlefloozie

I’m so scared of saying anything I can’t take back. I don’t want to give him up, I would never do that to a child but I can’t carry on like this. I used to have a history of self-harm in my teens and literally sat in the bathroom with a blade this evening trying to battle against doing it.[/quote]
Get this transferred to the SN Board. Lots of advice from those that have been there

Oh @byathread20 . I really feel for you. It's so, so hard.

I hope you get somewhere with the assessment.

Hi, I've got a PDA 8 year old and I feel your pain (literally, when she's having a shin-kicking phase). As you're in the south, I came on to recommend Starjumpz in Crowborough and the Kent PDA Facebook group, who are wonderful and really get it.

DD is a lot better now we've got a diagnosis and are getting some help, but our marriage has been in bits at times and we've only got one to deal with.

@Phineyj it’s interesting you say about the marriage as me and my husband never used to argue but it has definitely increased since my son’s behaviour has gotten more challenging.

No advice but just to say I hope you get the help you need. It sounds very difficult for you.
I felt exhausted reading about your ds.

The light bulb went off when we went to Relate and the counsellor said 'do you realise you've spent every session talking about your daughter?'

It's so sad for you all OP. It must be just horrendous for you, your DH and DD at times living with that level of aggression and violence. How does your DD manage with it all? Young Carers could definitely be a good option for her.

Also is anyone in your or your DH's neurodiverse?

Family *

Do any of the posters know on this board that children who are in care most likely get abused. How more so than a disabled child?

Please get a grant and get your son to do sensory integration therapy.