AIBU to be hating my child?

[byathread20]

My DS is 4 and has what I believe to be undiagnosed autism. Strong family history including his older sibling.
Truth is, I find myself wishing I had never had him. I know how that sounds and I hate myself for it but he is so spiteful, unreasonable and just generally unpleasant to be around. He splits our lips on a regular basis, has given us black eyes, has broken £££‘s of our belongings. He doesn’t respond to behaviour techniques and joke of it is, in my line of work, I am very confident in these strategies.

He is making his sibling’s life miserable to the point where they recently said they wish he’d never been born. I just don’t understand it, he can’t enjoy being like this either, surely.

I have asked for support for whoever will listen: HV, GP, child development centre, social services. All I’ve been told is “in your line of work, you know what you’re doing with him. You’re doing a good job.” Clearly I’m not given how violent he is!

He’s had a stage one assessment for autism but they said as he’s so friendly, it’s unlikely (which is rubbish as was told sake about older child and they received a diagnosis some years later once school picked up on issues.)

I had a call from SS after I self-referred from help and they literally sent me some links through for autism support (even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis) and a link for a local care charity that can fit door alarms. (We’ve had to put locks on kitchen door as he turns oven on in the middle of the night and had locks fitted on windows as he gets out onto the roof if left alone for more than a couple of minutes).

I found the HV infuriating as she said “clearly you just can’t leave him alone at all.” He took a knife out the drawer and tried to cut a melon open when I ran upstairs (literally ran) to have a wee.

I don’t have a second to myself except for work but I dread every weekend as it’s always the same.

Sorry for the long post but hugely struggling with him. Of course I love him but I genuinely feel that I cannot cope with him anymore.

Please can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom?

It’s such a hard age because he still can’t articulate what he’s so angry or frightened of. What happens if he has a very low stimulus day? Less interaction, external noises etc? Would that make a difference at all?

@TragicRabbit he’s the sort of child that needs to burn off all his energy so when we try and do “home days” with carpet picnics and films on the TV, he gets very hyperactive and hard to engage. He needs to get out and run which we try and do every day but weather at the moment is not helping!

I’m so sorry OP. My autistic twins are four but they aren’t violent - thanks goodness because I have no idea how I would stop it.

First off, insist that social care do a section 17 assessment and a carers assessment for you. Also a social care OT assessment - they got us safety beds for our twins which have saved my sanity and possibly their lives.

It’s awful right now because you have no support. Keep pushing for it. Make it clear to SS that you’re at breaking point and need respite and proper help.

Any chance you could fund a private ASD assessment?

Have you applied for DLA?

Find a way for him to get proprioceptive input at home - we have a wobble board, IKEA egg chair and a folding indoor climbing frame we get out when desperate!

Have you looked at PDA? Sounds to me like it would be well worth a look as he sounds like he ticks a lot of boxes and traditional parenting doesn't work

From one Mother to another Mother Use your energy to get that help for your Family .x

You're not alone. My son has ASD, ADHD, OCD and suspected ARFID. He's fucking awful. I wish every single we didn't have him. Our family is ruined, I mean ruined. It's 11pm he's in the bathroom screaming for more toilet paper. I hate being alive with him in this life. I want to run away and live as a tramp. I want to sign him over to foster care.

Mine is 12. He's violent AF. Demanding. Every day I wish I'd died before I had him.

Its crap that there are parents who are left to cope with this without any support and made to feel awful.

Apply for a disability social worker. Look for young carer support for sibling to give her time away.

You could try and turn his room into a safe room - Bright foam mats on the walls, window locks etc so you can have brief respite and know he is safe.

Locks on bedroom doors - key pads can be good. Especially on siblings room to give her a safe space and keep him out.

You can get sen window locks. With dc1 we had child safety locks on everything including toilet and taps. A gate designed for dogs over the sitting room and kitchen doors. We could leave him in the hall as we cleared it so there was nothing to damage. We basically baby proofed but for a much larger child.

Tag team him with sleep. Even if it means one parent sleeping in dc room to keep him clam and quiet, at least you both wont be sleep deprived.

Could you afford a day or two in daycare so at least you can catch up on sleep and spend some time with dd?

We found routine helped massively, especially visual. So yep there were mornings where i went on 4/5am walks or bike rides. Ds1 loved scooting so we did miles and miles.

If there is a sure start centre you might be able to get some hours in their chreche.

@osbertthesyrianhamster I’m so sorry love, I know how it feels and the associated guilt that comes with feeling like that. I see all these mums on FB doing lovely things with their kid while I’m stuck arguing over needing to have a wee on the potty before bed to the point where I end up getting the potty smashed around my head. It’s the hardest job in the world but no-one can understand dealing with a child with all those needs unless they’re going through it. I really hope something comes up to help us both get through this.

Nothing will. We have a social worker, a psychiatrist, a play therapist, etc etc He just gets worse and worse. I'd rather live on the street as a tramp than live like this. As soon as DD leaves home, I'm off. We might possibly leave before that. I can't do this anymore.

@Hankunamatata he’s already at nursery Monday - Friday 8-4 but to be honest, I dread school holidays and weekend because he’s that dreadful. I definitely need to do more for my daughter. She’s currently going through CAMHS assessment for ADHD but suffering with lots of emotional difficulties and has brought up her brother’s behaviour to her teachers to the degree that they have rung me to discuss the impact on her.

@bigarse1 I have looked at PDA and also ODD and it is him to a T.

@SinkGirl we’ve just bought him a cabin bed with a hideout underneath as when he melts down, he likes to hide himself but I think he’d really like the wobble boards and egg chairs etc. My mum bought him a punch bag that bounces back up and he loves rolling himself on top of it. He does get DLA but only for his cleft lip/palate and subsequent speech and language and feeding difficulties, I haven’t updated them regarding his behavioural difficulties but wondering whether I should!

This is awful Parents left to cope like this with no help , we must listen to these parents and hear them , and they definitely should not be shamed for asking for help .

OP, I honestly couldn’t cope with this either. It sounds so utterly miserable that I’m not surprised you hate your situation. I have no idea what kind of support is out there but I know that sometimes social services can take a child into residential care for a few days a week to give parents a break or for regular longer periods. Perhaps that would give you some time, space and sleep to clear your heads a bit. It sounds desperately hard and I really do feel for you.

What is he like with extended family? Does he have any friends at all at nursery?

How is his hearing?

@DaphneDuBois

OP, I honestly couldn’t cope with this either. It sounds so utterly miserable that I’m not surprised you hate your situation. I have no idea what kind of support is out there but I know that sometimes social services can take a child into residential care for a few days a week to give parents a break or for regular longer periods. Perhaps that would give you some time, space and sleep to clear your heads a bit. It sounds desperately hard and I really do feel for you.

Haahaaahaaaa! We've been waiting over a year.

My son is similar. It is very difficult to be honest. There is a wonderful Facebook group called the send VCB project which I have found very helpful. They have a group for families where everyone is in a similar same situation. It is a very positive group and child blaming is not allowed. Everyone has helpful ideas and Yvonne runs some fantastic webinars at very low cost. Thoroughly recommend joining, it has helped us a lot.

I’m sorry I have no ideas except to say I would probably call SS back. Are you documenting and taking photographic evidence of the destruction and the physical harm he’s doing?

@Inaquandry19

My son is similar. It is very difficult to be honest. There is a wonderful Facebook group called the send VCB project which I have found very helpful. They have a group for families where everyone is in a similar same situation. It is a very positive group and child blaming is not allowed. Everyone has helpful ideas and Yvonne runs some fantastic webinars at very low cost. Thoroughly recommend joining, it has helped us a lot.

Any of them have a pre-teen with diagnosed ASD, ADHD, OCD and now suspected AFRID? We're at our wit's end. I feel like running away. I've lived in a van before, by choice, back in my 20s, and quite honestly it's starting to become appealing because he just doesn't get better. Nothing ever gets better, it just gets worse and now we've heard a pair of violent alcoholics who blast music constantly are moving in downstairs.

Could s special needs boarding school be an option?

Like others, I have no advice; only to say I get a visceral jolt reading your reality. It sounds like hell on a stick. And I'm so sorry you, and others on here, are having to cope with this effectively alone.

I would hate my child if they were destroying me and my family I this way.

💐

@byathread20 I can offer no help at all on the parenting front - other awesome posters seem to have some amazing advice there. But re the self harming, please just get through today without doing it. And then tomorrow. And then the next day. I did when I was younger too and have found it incredibly hard not to relapse during lockdown as it was my (very unhealthy, I know) coping mechanism for years. I'm so proud of myself for each day I've not done it though and I know in the long term it won't help at all. Offering you a virtual hand hold. You sound so strong.

@Miljea

Like others, I have no advice; only to say I get a visceral jolt reading your reality. It sounds like hell on a stick. And I'm so sorry you, and others on here, are having to cope with this effectively alone.

I would hate my child if they were destroying me and my family I this way.

💐

It's a living hell and I lost a child to cancer. This is worse, I promise you.

@baldafrique he often doesn’t answer when you call him and has volume up loud on everything he watches but then is very frightened of motorbikes, hand dryers and sirens. Recent hearing test said there was some dullness to bass sounds so they’ve referred him for grommets.

Regarding friends, he doesn’t play with anyone specifically at playgroup and can’t name any friends. He is difficult for extended family though he’s not violent to them. Literally a couple of weeks ago, he was in my MIL’s garden as she was trying to give us a few minutes peace and he picked up a (ridiculously heavy) paving slab stepping stone and smashed it through the glass door of her summer house. She was with him, only about 3ft away and he was being supervised but he apparently did it so quickly, she couldn’t even react.

@PinkArt thank you so much, I caved unfortunately and massively regret it. Husband has been punching brick wall outside and has buggered his knuckles. We will literally end up mentally unstable if we don’t get any help with this.