AIBU to be hating my child?

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My DS is 4 and has what I believe to be undiagnosed autism. Strong family history including his older sibling.
Truth is, I find myself wishing I had never had him. I know how that sounds and I hate myself for it but he is so spiteful, unreasonable and just generally unpleasant to be around. He splits our lips on a regular basis, has given us black eyes, has broken £££‘s of our belongings. He doesn’t respond to behaviour techniques and joke of it is, in my line of work, I am very confident in these strategies.

He is making his sibling’s life miserable to the point where they recently said they wish he’d never been born. I just don’t understand it, he can’t enjoy being like this either, surely.

I have asked for support for whoever will listen: HV, GP, child development centre, social services. All I’ve been told is “in your line of work, you know what you’re doing with him. You’re doing a good job.” Clearly I’m not given how violent he is!

He’s had a stage one assessment for autism but they said as he’s so friendly, it’s unlikely (which is rubbish as was told sake about older child and they received a diagnosis some years later once school picked up on issues.)

I had a call from SS after I self-referred from help and they literally sent me some links through for autism support (even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis) and a link for a local care charity that can fit door alarms. (We’ve had to put locks on kitchen door as he turns oven on in the middle of the night and had locks fitted on windows as he gets out onto the roof if left alone for more than a couple of minutes).

I found the HV infuriating as she said “clearly you just can’t leave him alone at all.” He took a knife out the drawer and tried to cut a melon open when I ran upstairs (literally ran) to have a wee.

I don’t have a second to myself except for work but I dread every weekend as it’s always the same.

Sorry for the long post but hugely struggling with him. Of course I love him but I genuinely feel that I cannot cope with him anymore.

Please can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom?

Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child and his website Lives in the Balance might have a few ideas for parenting techniques.

You can apply for an EHCP as a parent.

You can use the parenting techniques for PDA and ODD starting now, don't wait for a diagnosis, if something works for you and him, use it.

For working off his energy have you got room for a foam roller and/or exercise ball he can roll around on I'm trying to think of exercise equipment that will burn off energy but wouldn't be dangerous if he threw it.

Could you safely have a removable standing disc-swing suspended from a door-frame? This sort of thing www.educationaltoysplanet.com/karriw-kids-climbing-rope-with-platform-disc-tree-swing-seat-b07xp2z1ky.html

I really do understand what you’re going through, OP. I’m an adoptive mum, my DDs are 12 and DD1 has SEN and adoption related attachment issues. Her behaviour has always been very tricky, and lockdown has been very difficult, especially with me having Long Covid.

My DH was in the exact place that you’re in last November. It literally became too much, with my health problems and DD1’s behaviour. He had to go off work for two months and just couldn’t function anymore. (I think it was a kind of burn-out.)

Our DDs went to stay with my BIL and SIL for a week and it was all my DH needed in order to be able to cope again (though he did have two months off work, too).

Our DD1 has exhibited similar behaviours to your DS, violent meltdowns which used to mean her lashing out at me physically. She tried to hit me with a rounders bat once and used to kick, hit and stamp on my foot. It’s been better since she had therapy two years ago and the anger has been less extreme, though she still throws things and deliberately tries to break her glasses and hearing aids.

We’ve had to push hard constantly for the help that our DD1 needs. It’s tough, because the whole process is draining. In the past, yes we have come close to throwing in the towel. We’ve wondered whether we made the right decision in adopting DD2 (they’re birth sisters). But now things do appear to be improving, she’s setting in at her high school finally and has one really good friend.

What I’ve learned is that you need to just keep pushing! And being completely honest about how bad it is, we do all have a natural tendency to downplay it, as it’s hard to admit that we can’t cope. But there really is only so much that any of us can cope with, my DH didn’t realise that he was going under until it actually happened.

I hope you get the support that you need and the right help for your DS.

I imagine your daughter dislikes your youngest intensely rather than deep down loving her brother. I think you and your husband are at the end of your tether with this child. I would not judge you for giving up custody in your circumstances. You can ruin your life, your husband's life and your daugter's life to try to parent a child who dislikes you so much he is violent to you. At this rate you and your husband will both have breakdowns. I think the last thing you should do is to give up on a child and there are parents who struggle with difficult children - I had two of them myself. But this is on a whole different level of difficulty. To be honest, I would be frightened for your daughter's safety, both mentally and physically. If he is slapping her face and pulling out chunks of hair at four, it is impossible to predict what he will do at say seven or nine. You also have to consider how your will deal with a violent teenager.

I feel.for you OP. My son is a grown adult now but he was a devil child. He had ADHD and an obsession for cutting things. I did all house jobs and cooking whilst he was at school as I could not take my eyes off him when he was home. He attacked his older sister cutting off her hair, cut head off her Teddy Bear, cut bedsheets and clothing, school bag, vynal Flooring and so much other stuff. We did not leave knives around. He once took a metal pencil sharpener to pieces to use the blade to cut with. He did not hurt us but he devistated the house. I often bought 3 cheap new sheets in one week from Woolworths. I got daily phone calls from.school about his behaviour and lived on dread of him being expelled. He had Paediatric Psychiatrists. I was told wear him out physically every day. I signed him up to swim 4 times a week. I bought him a trampoline and made him jump for 30 mins at least every day and a double dose at weekends. I signed him up to rugby once a week and tennis too. I made him do the kids parkrun on a Sunday morning. I took son to excercise and DH looked after dd. The constant excercise did help as did the Ritaline. I vividly remember raging at his Paediatric Psychiatrists about how many sheets he had cut up that week alone and he sat silently. I asked h what he was thinking. He said the patient he saw earlier that day cut himself badly not sheets. Some how that helped me more than anything else he ever said. He also told me he would grow out of it and I laughed hysterically in his face. I just could not see him changing. I could not envisage him getting a job. OP he did grow out if it. After puberty finished he got so much better. By 17 he was pretty much normal except he still finds keeping still difficult. He has a permanent job driving a lorry. He is in process of buying a house and moving out. I am very proud of him now as has had to really work hard to be where he is today. I will be sorry to see him leave home though. When he was a child I never thought that day would come quick enough. He has told me he won't have any children though. He remembers what he was like and how he nearly broke me. He has told me he is afraid if he had a child it might have the ADHD genes and he would not want to put his wife through that. He is considerate and loving now. Lots of excercise and try to bond with him. My dd is to this day a Daddy's girl. My DS is a bit of a Mummy's boy. His Dad avoided him when he was a child as he could not cope so focused upon dd. I though of putting him in care on 3 separate occasions but I never told anyone as I was too ashamed. I am so glad I did not give him up because he would not have not adopted and most fostering families would have sent him back when he cut their expensive things. Don't give up on your son. When it gets tough take him out to excercise.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds like actual hell.

It's not super well known in the UK, but consider looking up attachment impairment, specifically RAD. You might find he ticks a lot of the boxes. His medical issues could have provided the early trauma that can lead to RAD (terrifying hospital experiences etc), it's a scary disorder but one that can be dealt with as long as the sufferer is under 6. (After that, the brain wiring is harder to shift).

Good luck and please be kind to yourself. Children with serious attachment impairment can cause their parents to become "care-worn" because they are so relentless. Being kind to yourself is essential to get through this.

My mum struggled for years with my brother (aspergers), and was told it is all in her head. Until he was about to be expelled from secondary school and he took an OD. THEN they diagnosed him. Please keep fighting now to get the support you need.

@Rangoon

I imagine your daughter dislikes your youngest intensely rather than deep down loving her brother. I think you and your husband are at the end of your tether with this child. I would not judge you for giving up custody in your circumstances. You can ruin your life, your husband's life and your daugter's life to try to parent a child who dislikes you so much he is violent to you. At this rate you and your husband will both have breakdowns. I think the last thing you should do is to give up on a child and there are parents who struggle with difficult children - I had two of them myself. But this is on a whole different level of difficulty. To be honest, I would be frightened for your daughter's safety, both mentally and physically. If he is slapping her face and pulling out chunks of hair at four, it is impossible to predict what he will do at say seven or nine. You also have to consider how your will deal with a violent teenager.

Totally agree with this.

You only get one life OP, ditto your partner and daughter.

Give him up. Then he can be the state’s problem. They won’t pay to support you with him in the home so they can have him completely.

God knows how you kept your temper when he did such damage to your teeth. I know I couldn’t. He sounds bloody awful and beyond the reach of any diagnosis.

I just wondered if he has PIP which might afford some help at weekends. We do have an autistic child in our family. We found behaviour improved when they started school. And we also found trips to beach or woodland would tire the child out. During lockdown, the child was allowed to go out everyday with a note from doctor. Also, I know there is a book, which was rec to us. It's quite a time and costs about 60 pounds. Local special needs kids office could tell you what the name of it is. I can imagine how tired you are, because it is 24/7. Other kids in the family come second, as the autistic ones demands seem paramount. Otherwise if there is a partner, I would suggest the weekends could be split. Take turns to spend time with him so you get a rest, and a break, to spend time with other child

Adopt him out then

I know of a family whose son went to a foster family just for the weekends. That way everyone had a breather without having to give him up. I'm not in yhe UK but can you arrange something similar? Start with just one day of course and the foster home needs to be specialized but it worked well for the parents and other siblings.

I appreciate this is a dreadful decision to have to make...but if he were in care then he'd get diagnosed faster when the carers reported his behaviour. Might help in the long run.

Not got any advice OP just that whatever you decide to do wont be "wrong" and if you do decide to put him into care or some kind of respite it will at least be benefitting the 3 of you. It sounds so so difficult. Can your mum or someone at least come over to the house to help you at all if you explain how desperate you are or a friend... x

Some of the comments here are appalling. I’m so sorry things are so bad OP.

I would be calling the emergency social care number today and tell them that you are not able to cope, you are all being harmed and you need emergency help right now.

These are the beds we have - social care funded them (they’re £3k+ each FFS) but has made such a difference to know they can’t get out at night, no more dangerous behaviour at night, can’t get the sheets off or mattress out etc.

This might not be that helpful in the long term but while you are waiting for more help could you and your DH get a gym mebership with a creche included? This way over the weekend or when hes not at playgroup you could spend some time in the gym and have him in the creche for a few hours if hes reasonably behaved in those kinds of settings. It might help you and your dhs mental health too x

Also would strongly recommend the Therapeutic Parenting fb group. Many in there are foster / adoptive parents to children with extreme behavioural issues - you will get some advice and also some support.

An ASD diagnosis will take longer because of the existing medical issues and potential hearing issues - but you don’t have to wait for that to insist on help. Sadly social care won’t help until you’re absolutely at breaking point so they need to know you are.

My nephew is in the spectrum and has a genetic condition. There were no behaviours as a child mostly because his disability has impaired gross and fine motor skills but that changed when he hit puberty.

Suddenly the sunny boy became an agressive, irritable moody teen who attacked my sister, her husband, his siblings and was constantly in trouble in school. Things came to a head when he bit twice the nose of an school mate sending her twice to hospital. She had a few hours respite support but that was about it.

Her GP referred her to a private psychiatrist, and as she often says, it was the first day of her new life. After a couple of attempts with different medication, she got onto the right one and his behaviour improved. Not perfect, but enough improvement to have a normal life at home and school.

Few months later the agression and irritability returned. The psychiatrist was not happy and sent a letter to the GP asking for a barrage of blood test, first on the line was gluten sensivity.

My nephew was diagnosed celiac and put on strict gluten free diet. Within a year he was off meds, and back to his sunny self.

My first advice to you is to engage the mental health professionals that can deal with his behaviour issues - psychiatrists.

The second is to check for gluten intolerance. ASD kids are 22% more likely to undiagnosed celiac disease and there is a recognised link between celiac disease and behaviours in ASD patients.

OP I am so sorry to hear this, your situation sounds awful. Please get help with the self-harming - please talk to your GP and tell them everything.

I second what some others have said about joining the send vcb Facebook group. You will find other parents with children of all ages with similar behaviours where traditional parenting and behaviour strategies, doesn't work. Blaming of children isn't allowed but neither is blaming of parents and Yvonne who runs it is fantastic.

To add, although his behaviour may appear spiteful, he may well be anxious and scared and not thinking about about anyone but himself.

Hug hug hug .
Total sympathy from me. Mine has just thumped me and pulled a new plant out from the lawn and thrown it.
I started asking for help when mine was 4. Nothing. CAMHs have just written to me and suggested a local charity might be able to offer 6 sessions of counselling. The lack of support is shocking.

Money wise, you should high level dla as he needs care and support all day and part of the night. I know the forms are a nightmare though. Also there's family fund who can offer grants for things you may need like beds etc.

Please get more help, respite for you all sounds paramount right now. If you're not being listen to by services see what charities can do for you to support you in getting the help you need, places like cerebra or NAS. My friend was getting nowhere with support for her ASD kid until she had a bit more back up.

Yanbu - my autistic son is older now. I wish I’d never had him. I love him, he can be absolutely lovely but he can be an arsehole too. He needs supervising 24/7. We have no family life . I dread to think how many things he’s broken over the years, he’s flooded the house numerous times too. It’s like living in a prison with all the keys we carry around to lock doors, fridges and cupboards. All the other kids have suffered too. At support groups over the years many many parents feel exactly the same. Once it a group with parents in a similar lives and experiences you’ll see it’s not uncommon to feel this way.

I’d like to say there’s support out there but there really isn’t. X

I found that once we got the asd diagnosis it felt like we were waved out the door and that was it. We got the diagnosis, what more did we want?

Everything is a battle.

Make a formal request for a care assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989 on the basis that he is a child by reason of disability. Tell them everything, and emphasise that there are serious safeguarding risks both t his sister and to him.

The PDA Society May have some strategies to help whether he has PDA or not. Schools etc are not keen as it goes against everything we are told about bringing up children re discipline etc but it honestly saved my life.
I used to leave in fear of being murdered every day- he tried to push me under a lorry, attack me with a knife, the list goes on.
It’s terrifying and we’re expected to live with it because we’re their parents.
I’ll try to find a link.