AIBU to be hating my child?

[byathread20]

My DS is 4 and has what I believe to be undiagnosed autism. Strong family history including his older sibling.
Truth is, I find myself wishing I had never had him. I know how that sounds and I hate myself for it but he is so spiteful, unreasonable and just generally unpleasant to be around. He splits our lips on a regular basis, has given us black eyes, has broken £££‘s of our belongings. He doesn’t respond to behaviour techniques and joke of it is, in my line of work, I am very confident in these strategies.

He is making his sibling’s life miserable to the point where they recently said they wish he’d never been born. I just don’t understand it, he can’t enjoy being like this either, surely.

I have asked for support for whoever will listen: HV, GP, child development centre, social services. All I’ve been told is “in your line of work, you know what you’re doing with him. You’re doing a good job.” Clearly I’m not given how violent he is!

He’s had a stage one assessment for autism but they said as he’s so friendly, it’s unlikely (which is rubbish as was told sake about older child and they received a diagnosis some years later once school picked up on issues.)

I had a call from SS after I self-referred from help and they literally sent me some links through for autism support (even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis) and a link for a local care charity that can fit door alarms. (We’ve had to put locks on kitchen door as he turns oven on in the middle of the night and had locks fitted on windows as he gets out onto the roof if left alone for more than a couple of minutes).

I found the HV infuriating as she said “clearly you just can’t leave him alone at all.” He took a knife out the drawer and tried to cut a melon open when I ran upstairs (literally ran) to have a wee.

I don’t have a second to myself except for work but I dread every weekend as it’s always the same.

Sorry for the long post but hugely struggling with him. Of course I love him but I genuinely feel that I cannot cope with him anymore.

Please can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom?

With one of my children there were years when they were so awful and did so much damage to their family and physical surroundings that I would fantasise about how our lives would be without them.

Get support. Go though any referral route you can: gp, school (arrange a meeting with their SENco and ask them for help with referrals), ss, also speech and language services or anything similar if you’re using them... you just have to fight and fight and fight and do everything you’re given even if it’s not what you were hoping for as your next referral will be taken more seriously if you’ve already done the parenting classes, CBT, health and well-being support etc. It takes so much time and so many forms and meetings and disappointments but keep hacking away at it.

I found the therapeutic parenting Facebook group good. I’m not 100% in agreement with all their ideas but they have lots of tips for dealing very challenging behaviour and have an outlook which helped me sympathise more with my child.

I would get the respite you need (perhaps from family for a weekend?) and then take a different approach mentally.

Oh, just get the respite they need? Why didn’t they think of that?

You don’t have a bloody clue

I know someone who had their two children put into care, they told ss the consequences of not taking them would be catastrophic.
It happens , people just don't talk about it .
In your circumstances I would do it , before your family is destroyed .

I hate threads like this so many people reply who have absolutely fuck all idea what it's like to have a child with severe autism,suggesting respite etc ,as though it's just a matter of asking for it and getting it 🙄 🙄 I mean you can shout and demand all you want doesn't mean you will get anywhere
And then there are the incredibly patronising posters ,who say they don't know how parents cope ,um what's the alternative
O

@FilledSoda

I know someone who had their two children put into care, they told ss the consequences of not taking them would be catastrophic. It happens , people just don't talk about it . In your circumstances I would do it , before your family is destroyed .

You have no idea what you would do this in the op,s circumstances unless you are the parent of a severly autistic child you have no clue,non whatsoever and it's certainly not an easy decision.

@Applejuju Your posts are full of judgement towards these parents and minimizing the impact of this child's severe behavior on all the family-he needs to be assessed,observed, treated and placed in a safe environment with adults who are trained to protect him and others around him. As a person with your background it really is unbelievable what you said-martial arts?

At the moment the OP's family are getting no support so they are understandably at the end of their tether. I think there is a way to go before saying putting the child into care is the best option.

@Applejuju

Prior to being a parent, I was a social worker who worked with children who have been removed from their home by the state. Yes, I have experience with children with those kinds of needs. Have been in group homes, evaluated them for fitness for specific children, been in courts/testified deciding the fates of these children, etc.

It's probably why I am much less likely to suggest that kind of intervention. I have read all OP post again, and what I see is still parents who need more support themselves, and a child who has difficult behaviours, not a child who needs institutional/state care.

I agree with you here, putting a 4 year old in care, is simply not on. There needs to be another way to deal with this.

I'm still digesting it'll be 1800 pounds to have him privately assessed. It's disgusting and the reason why so many kids with behavioural problems fall out the radar and the issues it causes in families.

Behaviours can be treated but these days you either have money to go private or you are on your own.

What area of the UK are you from? There's this company, I cannot express enough how amazing they are helping parents with exactly this issue, one man in particular. Even if you're not close a phone call for advice would even help. PM me if you like. And no, this is not my company, I just know there works as I'm local

[quote EKGEMS]@Applejuju Your posts are full of judgement towards these parents and minimizing the impact of this child's severe behavior on all the family-he needs to be assessed,observed, treated and placed in a safe environment with adults who are trained to protect him and others around him. As a person with your background it really is unbelievable what you said-martial arts? [/quote]
you don't appear to have a clue either,have you any idea how traumatic it might be to put a four year old in a group having me,I mean I get it my elevan year old has severe autism and learning disabilities,non verbal , incredibly challenging behaviour ,but a residential placement ,is something else, and would take a lot of soul searching etc to make that decision, a friend of mine is looking to make that decision,her son is 12,and it's far from an easy decision.

Group home*

@byathread20 thank you for this thread. I have a ds who is suspected autistic, but we have also been refused as he is too friendly. Similar behaviours to yours- although thankfully a little more compliant.

We’re going back through referral process at the moment and I’m refusing to be condescended to this time. I know the point of this thread was to vent/seek support, but it’s just nice (iyswim) to know we aren’t the only ones

@yahyahs22

I’m on the south coast x

I really don’t want to put him into care and I don’t think I ever could. I was watching my FB memories the year he was born and sobbing because despite all the cleft issues, he was an amazing baby. But once he hit a year and could move, that’s when the difficulties began. I can count back the issues right until then. I am planning to literally scream at everyone who will listen if it helps us all. And regarding the private assessment cost, I will take a loan out if I have no other choice.

@Loveitloveitloveit

Same

@x2boys

I hate threads like this so many people reply who have absolutely fuck all idea what it's like to have a child with severe autism,suggesting respite etc ,as though it's just a matter of asking for it and getting it 🙄 🙄 I mean you can shout and demand all you want doesn't mean you will get anywhere And then there are the incredibly patronising posters ,who say they don't know how parents cope ,um what's the alternative O

Yes, there's a lot of that, really outdated ideas, 'get re-housed' 'get respite' 'apply for a package of care'.

[quote EKGEMS]@Applejuju Your posts are full of judgement towards these parents and minimizing the impact of this child's severe behavior on all the family-he needs to be assessed,observed, treated and placed in a safe environment with adults who are trained to protect him and others around him. As a person with your background it really is unbelievable what you said-martial arts? [/quote]
Oh, I've met GPs who are just like that.

@byathread20

I really don’t want to put him into care and I don’t think I ever could. I was watching my FB memories the year he was born and sobbing because despite all the cleft issues, he was an amazing baby. But once he hit a year and could move, that’s when the difficulties began. I can count back the issues right until then. I am planning to literally scream at everyone who will listen if it helps us all. And regarding the private assessment cost, I will take a loan out if I have no other choice.

Good on you. Scream, yell, be a pest phoning agencies daily, tell them you can't cope....you need to be a thorn daily for them to listen to you.

Good on you as well going private. It's amazing the doors that private professional assessments can open. Don't be afraid to engage a psychiatrist either, you have no idea how many small ASD kids they treat.

@Applejuju

Prior to being a parent, I was a social worker who worked with children who have been removed from their home by the state. Yes, I have experience with children with those kinds of needs. Have been in group homes, evaluated them for fitness for specific children, been in courts/testified deciding the fates of these children, etc.

It's probably why I am much less likely to suggest that kind of intervention. I have read all OP post again, and what I see is still parents who need more support themselves, and a child who has difficult behaviours, not a child who needs institutional/state care.

I've worked with parents who've had to fight the sort of attitude that others know what they need better than they do. I remember one in particular where the child was so severely affected that home life was hell for her and her siblings. She was in a completely unsuitable school where they dealt with her essentially by shutting her up in a small room all day. At home she slept very spasmodically so her mother had been coping on around two hours' sleep a night for years. She could have meltdowns where she would shout, scream, throw things and hit out for hours on end. Her older brother tried to help his mum but his GCSE prospects were down the pan because he just couldn't work at home, and her youngest sister was in constant danger. Father had, needless to say, disappeared years ago. Yet Social Services and Education were united in saying that she didn't need a residential school and her mother didn't need extra help at home, she just needed a bit of parenting training. The whole thing was utterly sickening.

Fortunately with a bit of help the mother accessed legal aid solicitors who managed to push the council into a decent home care package and a residential school placement, but so many parents in that position are so beaten down that they never get the help they and their children desperately need.

Some of the comments on this thread are disgusting. I hope none of you ever suffer like OP is. You should be bloody ashamed of yourselves, this is a woman at breaking point.

OP. I'm really sorry that you're going though this. I have a challenging 5 year old child with ASD and a PDA profile and she's nowhere near as bad as this (she's not violent) and I find it really really hard so I can't imagine what you're going through.

You need a plan, you and DH can't carry on like this. So, first are you in a position to do a private assessment and diagnosis? If so, do it.

You need to be applying for DLA and Carers Allowance (if you're eligible for CA). I would be amazed if you don't get DLA with his needs. This payment would allow you to buy in some respite care for you all, perhaps pay for some private courses for him/you etc. Occupational Therapy can be really helpful for them too.

An EHCP. I can't see how he wouldn't meet the criteria even without a diagnosis. You can apply as a parent. Do this. He needs it and won't the get support he needs without it, it sounds like his behaviour is going to be too much for a mainstream school and he wont get into a specialist one without one.

I would also get on to SS for more immediate help. You're at crisis point and it's no surprise.

Feel free to PM if you need to vent without judgement.

@byathread20

I really don’t want to put him into care and I don’t think I ever could. I was watching my FB memories the year he was born and sobbing because despite all the cleft issues, he was an amazing baby. But once he hit a year and could move, that’s when the difficulties began. I can count back the issues right until then. I am planning to literally scream at everyone who will listen if it helps us all. And regarding the private assessment cost, I will take a loan out if I have no other choice.

Have you looked on your LEA ,local offer? To see what's available locally,my son was diagnosed at three with autism and learning disabilities,and an underlying chromosome deletion, honestly it was probably the worst year of my life,o felt very alone and unsupported,he started at a special school at four and we began to meet other parents and children with similar disabilities,things are far from perfect and we still have lots of ups and downs,but we do get support from school,the paediatrician, Learning disabilities team ,Ot,etc etc plus I get support from friends who also have children disabilities,who get it.

OP, might you qualify for legal aid? It would be well worth getting legal advice if so, and legal aid may well cover the cost of at least some professional assessments.

A 4 year old wouldn't go into any sort of placement with specialist support. They would go into foster care and it is likely that any difficulties they have would be blamed on the parenting so they wouldn't get the help they need anyway.

And definitely apply for an EHCP assessment today - template on IPSEA website - and insist that this includes a section 17 social care assessment so anything they decide is needed gets written into the plan. There’s absolutely no way they can argue he will manage at school. Not a chance.

I understand OP.

I have a three year old dx with autism, suspected learning disability to boot and his behaviour is incredibly challenging. He can be very violent and destructive.

Definitely look into the SEND VCB page on Facebook, Yvonne is brilliant.