AIBU to be hating my child?

[byathread20]

My DS is 4 and has what I believe to be undiagnosed autism. Strong family history including his older sibling.
Truth is, I find myself wishing I had never had him. I know how that sounds and I hate myself for it but he is so spiteful, unreasonable and just generally unpleasant to be around. He splits our lips on a regular basis, has given us black eyes, has broken £££‘s of our belongings. He doesn’t respond to behaviour techniques and joke of it is, in my line of work, I am very confident in these strategies.

He is making his sibling’s life miserable to the point where they recently said they wish he’d never been born. I just don’t understand it, he can’t enjoy being like this either, surely.

I have asked for support for whoever will listen: HV, GP, child development centre, social services. All I’ve been told is “in your line of work, you know what you’re doing with him. You’re doing a good job.” Clearly I’m not given how violent he is!

He’s had a stage one assessment for autism but they said as he’s so friendly, it’s unlikely (which is rubbish as was told sake about older child and they received a diagnosis some years later once school picked up on issues.)

I had a call from SS after I self-referred from help and they literally sent me some links through for autism support (even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis) and a link for a local care charity that can fit door alarms. (We’ve had to put locks on kitchen door as he turns oven on in the middle of the night and had locks fitted on windows as he gets out onto the roof if left alone for more than a couple of minutes).

I found the HV infuriating as she said “clearly you just can’t leave him alone at all.” He took a knife out the drawer and tried to cut a melon open when I ran upstairs (literally ran) to have a wee.

I don’t have a second to myself except for work but I dread every weekend as it’s always the same.

Sorry for the long post but hugely struggling with him. Of course I love him but I genuinely feel that I cannot cope with him anymore.

Please can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom?

I don't want to give you false hope as each child is an individual. My violent, agressive and no boundaries asd child is now doing a Masters and while still occasionally difficult to live with is a pretty amazing adult.

If the NHS can't give him a diagnosis for autism, you need a private psychologist. They will diagnose him and send the report to the GP and anyone else you want them to send the report to.

Unfortunately, public resources are almost inexistent for ASD/genetic conditions people with severe behaviour issues. Go private. It may be expensive at the beginning but they will give you the reports to get the public funding you need.

Well done you for being honest with your true feelings. No I do not believe you're an awful person and your child should be taken into care. Too many people's fail to admit the extent of their true feelings strike and live in denial. You just sounf completely overwhelmed with no hope of a break.
All I can think of is respite. Is the g.p any help supporting referral for this. Have a breakdown on the phone if you have to.
Barnados have a programme called healthy minds, they offer support in various forms for kids and in turn parents. Have a look online.
If you had a week off to yourself I imagine you'd find the strength to keep going. You need hope things will change so do whatever you have to to make it happen. xx

I am truly appalled at some of the comments on here.

This is a "violent" 4 year old, not 14 year old, ffs.

If your DH is punching a brick wall/self harming as a coping mechanism, it sounds like even the adults in the house don't know how to properly regulate.

If he doesn't act out and is not violent at school, it means he does have some self control, social conditioning, and ability to self regulate.

Most of these comments could describe both my children, but all could describe my youngest. She is a lovely child, but super high energy and sensory seeking. Will colour and cut anything she can get her hands on. If we hear kitchen draws opening, we run, because knives are inevitably involved. She cut off all the hair of her favourite doll and coloured it's face green last week. Cannot be left alone. Has flooded the bathroom, broken many dishes, all our windows are constantly locked, coloured on walls and furniture, peeled back wallpaper, etc etc etc

We live in a tiny flat. We go on a long hike every Saturday and Sunday (5+ km yesterday morning, with a 3 and 7 year old), we have physical toys available inside. On Saturday my three year old punched my partner in the head (our of excitement, but it was intentional) and when we demanded she stop, apologise and check on the injured party, she had a 30 minute screaming meltdown. But we waited it out and didn't let her leave/move on, did some role play of hitting a toy and showing remorse, and finally she was calm and ready to do it for real and move on. It's intense, and maybe I have benefitted from both my children being so demanding, so I haven't known anything else (I have never looked for a diagnosis for my kids, but I was diagnosed ADHD and dyslexic as a child, so maybe I "get" them , idk). Yesterday my partner and I were discussing how dance lessons haven't really been enough, and we needed to put them both in martial arts several times a week.

It really sounds like he needs to be set up for success. If you did physically wear him out in the morning, would you be able to have a nicer afternoon as family? The mindset in the house seems to be that he is the cause of problems, and how to fix him, rather than work with his strengths. He is sounds curious (can I pick up this heavy stone? what will happen if I throw it? etc etc), strong-willed, energetic, and passionate. Those things, if he learns to work with them rather than against them, will serve him well as an adult. This situation sounds stressful and really sad, and the mindsets advocated here (that something is really wrong with him, that he is the cause of unhappiness in the house) will only increase your stress. I would get the respite you need (perhaps from family for a weekend?) and then take a different approach mentally.

It sounds so hard for all the parents who have told of their hell.

I'm with @Rangoon.

Your poor daughter.

How terrifying for her.

I have heard of someone who's sister developed dementia and it was being left to her daughter in her 20's to care for her.

Services were being refused.

Her mother became violent one day and she rang for an ambulance and left her.

She never accepted her home again.
She is now happily settled in a home.

All her daughter had wanted was support.

I think OP, you need to put your daughter first.

What will happen to your daughter if both your husband and yourself have a breakdown?

She will also be taken into care.

This is a difficult situation but your daughter deserves to be safe.

She is not safe in her home.

I feel so sorry for you and can well believe your wishing you had never had him.

I can well believe it.

It’s really endearing to hear that this isn’t normal as all I’ve had from the health visitor is “that’s all normal for a four year old.”

Drives me crazy!

"On Saturday my three year old punched my partner in the head (our of excitement, but it was intentional) and when we demanded she stop, apologise and check on the injured party, she had a 30 minute screaming meltdown. But we waited it out and didn't let her leave/move on, did some role play of hitting a toy and showing remorse, and finally she was calm and ready to do it for real and move on."

This sort of approach may be completely wrong for the OP's child and may make matters worse.

Too many people fail to admit the extent of their true feelings and live in denial.

I completely agree with this. You often see parents of very troubled autistic children saying "of course it is very difficult, but I wouldn't change him for anything". I always think they are either in denial or simply lying, and if it helps them get on with life that's great. But there is nothing wrong with being honest. Through no fault of his own, your son's disability is destroying your family's peace of mind, and you have every right to be sad and angry about that.

@Spikeyball

This absolutely would not work for my son. We’ve been told not to try and force an apology as he doesn’t understand remorse/nor mean it. Furthermore if we tried to keep him in one place until gaining an apology, he would get more and more aggressive and basically we would be setting him up to fail as he would likely get more violent.

@byathread20

It’s really endearing to hear that this isn’t normal as all I’ve had from the health visitor is “that’s all normal for a four year old.”

Drives me crazy!

It's not normal. Please go private and engage a psychologist and psychiatrist, it'll be expensive at the beginning but it will make a huge difference.

A psychologist can diagnose your child and a psychiatrist can deal with behaviour problems with a child with ASD and look for other underlined issues.

If an adult is punching a wall and crying for any reason, yes, they are clearly desperate. Can they regulate well? absolutely not. The adults and the children in this house all need more help, but not necessarily just to "fix" the child.

You ignored the part about how we do regularly have physical/"violent" outbursts.

This child is not violent at nursery all day from Monday to Friday. He has, at least, some impulse control than can be worked with. A child at 4 still exists very much in his body, not his mind. This world is a place to be experienced physically.

Home is (should be) his safe space to be able to unwind and test boundaries.

I was offering a different perspective.

@Applejuju

I appreciate any advice so thank you. Nursery is a completely relaxed environment in that it’s a massive room full of toys. He has no regime put on him, they don’t have proper lunch times, the children come and go to pick food from their lunch box. I’m not confident in how he will manage when he starts school as he doesn’t sit down, ever. He crouches but he eats standing up, watches TV standing up and is always sensory seeking (kicking the floor, fiddling with his fingers) so I do have some concern about when he’s told to sit down/write his name/finish an activity etc.

Is it more adhd than ASD? He sounds a bit like a more extreme version of my Dd at 4, who is been assessed for adhd.

Awful as it seems, he can’t help being like this, and probably feels quite scared himself.

But I absolutely agree, bang their doors down in every way you can for help - HV, SS, anyone who will listen. Nursery if he goes to one.

Would it help at all for your DH/ DP (sounds like you have one) to take the lead on parenting? I say that because if it’s a male DP they are probably stronger and more able to safely control the violence - it’s easier for a male to restrain a violent child because if you are much stronger than them you can restrain them without hurting them. If you’re just a bit stronger, your actions are less controlled iyswim.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I couldn’t inflict it on my husband, we take a 50/50 role though my son will not have my husband put him to bed, so to avoid meltdowns, I always do it.

I’m looking into a private assessment which seems to be around £1800 and I’ve just rung DLA to advise of change of circumstances as they don’t know any of this.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

My daughter is being assessed for ADHD this week so it could well be. The things that made me think autism was the hand flapping, dislike of loud noises, repetitive speech and behaviours, odd food quirks etc.

This sort of behaviour is often through anxiety and 'strict boundaries' and 'you can't do that until you have done this' type approaches do not work.

@Applejuju

If an adult is punching a wall and crying for any reason, yes, they are clearly desperate. Can they regulate well? absolutely not. The adults and the children in this house all need more help, but not necessarily just to "fix" the child.

You ignored the part about how we do regularly have physical/"violent" outbursts.

This child is not violent at nursery all day from Monday to Friday. He has, at least, some impulse control than can be worked with. A child at 4 still exists very much in his body, not his mind. This world is a place to be experienced physically.

Home is (should be) his safe space to be able to unwind and test boundaries.

I was offering a different perspective.

He's not violent at nursery because as the OP said, they have huge amounts of toys he can play with on his own. This is going to change in school. There won't be lots of toys of play with by himself, he'll be expected to be part of a routine and the same issues that are happening at home will happen in school.

The source of the problem is the child's disability's behaviour and lack of resources to deal with it within public health . The parents or other siblings are not to blame for being desperate and at end of their tether.

@Applejuju Dear god,woman,have you EVER spent any time with a severely autistic child? A child who bolts,who self harms,who is violent? This poor family is dealing with their baby as best they can,crying for help and on the edge of suicide,yet you blame the parents? You mention ADHD and dyslexia-this is a type of severe autism in the olden days would have lead to institutionalization. A martial arts class and physical activity isn't the answer. He needs to be in a safe group home with 24-hour caregivers and pediatric psychiatrists who can try to develop a treatment plan. You certainly don't "get these children" as you claim because you would have some empathy and compassion for OP if you did

You cannot live like this, it's more than a person can cope with. I don't have the answers but lots of empathy. Your feelings are completely understandable.

One of my brothers is a violent autistic, was violent from the moment he could talk and walk, hit us all, smashed everything even stuff of ours (we were a very low income family so we barely had anything) the amount of injuries we all received over the years, set fire to everything he could, knives were forever being found and we were always chased around with them, he would even hurt his newborn sister, there was no support back then at all, our house was an absolute danger zone because of it and he showed no remorse, had to be locked in his room overnight, he’s now a violent 24 year old who will never be able to live by himself as he’s too dangerous and none of us siblings have anything to do with him as we are all too scared of him and tbh none of us have anything to do with our mother either as she failed to protect us. Social was involved but not like they did anything. I still have an occasional nightmare about him killing me as stupid as that is because we were scared kids back then and trauma I think has really caused some issues with us all, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, depression etc etc.

My point is, don’t just hope this goes away as he gets older as it may not like people will suggest, I honestly really feel for you OP and know exactly how your little girl feels. I hope you get some help, as that’s no way for anyone to live.

Is there any option for ABA therapy?

The whole family needs proper support and respite but I wouldn't advocate a safe group home for a 4 year old.

Prior to being a parent, I was a social worker who worked with children who have been removed from their home by the state. Yes, I have experience with children with those kinds of needs. Have been in group homes, evaluated them for fitness for specific children, been in courts/testified deciding the fates of these children, etc.

It's probably why I am much less likely to suggest that kind of intervention. I have read all OP post again, and what I see is still parents who need more support themselves, and a child who has difficult behaviours, not a child who needs institutional/state care.

[quote byathread20]@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I couldn’t inflict it on my husband, we take a 50/50 role though my son will not have my husband put him to bed, so to avoid meltdowns, I always do it.

I’m looking into a private assessment which seems to be around £1800 and I’ve just rung DLA to advise of change of circumstances as they don’t know any of this.[/quote]
I'm honestly appalled a private assessment could cost you this money. It's about $A600 a 350 euros in Spain.