For thinking that if a child comes to your house, you're responsible for them?

[SteveBuscemisRheumyEye]

There's a girl who lives near by who knocks on our front door every day, saying she wants to play with DD. DD does not want to play out so the girl asks to come in. At the moment I've had the reason of Covid for saying no to coming in, but DH thinks I'm BU not to allow them in the garden.

My issue is this - I know nothing about this kid other than her name and that she's 10. I think she lives with her grandparents locally, half the week. I've told her before that I really need to speak to them to check it's okay etc, and she just said "it's fine, they don't mind". Obviously I mind!

DH says just leave them to it and let them play in the garden, whereas I don't want to be responsible for a child that I know nothing about! DH thinks that I'm overthinking, but I work with vulnerable kids meaning my conduct in and outside of work needs to be impeccable. Imagine she had an accident or made a claim against one of us or something?

I asked where her grandparents live but she was quite evasive. She has also told my DD that she was excluded from the school DD goes to, and is now at a PRU. Is this colouring my view?

She's 10, DD is 8 and has ASD (if relevant!).

@Badgerlock42

Not totally innocent motives?
SHE IS TEN YEARS OLD FFS.
Any loss of "innocence" that may have been inflicted on this poor waif are hardly her fault are they?

FF - wind your neck in - waif? You know zilch about her nor does OP. Stop ascribing tendencies to others and living in some weird world where someone want to say no, but you won't allow it because it's "victim blaming"

For crying out loud there are potentially two vulnerable children her - do not make the OP or the OP's child out to be malicious here.

It's really not hard ... I do NOT want to play with ou or invite you (unknown child) into my family. Full Stop

@AMillionMilesAway no of course its not the same and I dont think my post indicated it was. But professional men who are absolutely competent at work somehow struggling with responsibility for under -18s that arent their own. I dont think mums struggle in that quite same way. I just found the comparison interesting.

Yes of course you would be responsible for her either in your garden or your home. It’s a bit of a sad story, the girl is obviously bored and just looking for anything to do, and also her parents/grandparents might kick her out for half the day (some people do). But it’s my own child I’d look after and I wouldn’t want to become essentially a second parent to a child without it being ‘my’ choice to do that and it was something my child wanted and was healthy for them.

But it’s a shame for the child too, the 10 year old. It’s not you or your child who need to mind them because their home Iife isn’t. And it isn’t up to your child to feel like she has to be friends all the time. She doesn’t.

YANBU but I am not sure you will get very far with the parents/grandparents if they don’t seem to know where she is.

Also your DH is wrong. It’s not that accusations would arise, or that the girl is in any way being malicious.

But parenting is a serious job, it’s a responsible job. And your kid doesn’t have to mop up the aimless kids in the neighbourhood. Not fair on your own child.

We can all advise based on the information you have given us, but you are the one in the situation. Go with your gut on this. If it doesn't feel right then follow it. You are very experienced so are probably right in your judgement. It's one thing helping in a professional or voluntary capacity but when it comes to your home this is your family's space where they have a right to feel safe.

'Shes 10 years old ffs' ...so were Venables and Thompson when they took Jamie Bulger!

Nope, wouldn't happen here. No way am I taking responsibility for any child without parental say so. It really isn't worth the agro these days on all levels from said parent not knowing where their child is to medical conditions, honestly can't be fucked to deal with that if things went wrong.

My son was befriended by a girl from school who was always starving and asking for food when she came to the house, I did feed her a lot during one summer holidays and she even brought her siblings sometimes. I found out afterwards that their Mum was really unwell.

**'Shes 10 years old ffs' ...so were Venables and Thompson when they took Jamie Bulger!

This exactly. Thompson came from a broken home and was left unsupervised walking the streets. Both he and Venables went wandering a shopping centre, with the intention of causing mischief which escalated to murdering a toddler, one of the UKs saddest cases.
I’m not suggesting for a moment this child is dangerous and I know the vast majority of 10 year olds don’t commit murder, but I’d certainly want to know who this child is and who they live with.

@Lemonlady22

'Shes 10 years old ffs' ...so were Venables and Thompson when they took Jamie Bulger!

That was a very extreme case and very, very unusual.

That was a very extreme case and very, very unusual.

But it did, and can, still happen.

**An similar age child (stranger) came into our garden one afternoon uninvited, wanting to play with my 4-5 year old. I wasn't keen but didn't know what to do. I grabbed my phone to ring her parents (she said she knew their number) and in that time she had taken my DC by the hand and led them out of the garden.

My goodness. Your child probably wouldn’t have come to any harm from this other child but at the very least you would have no idea where they went. A lucky escape.

What is PRU. This child obvs feels lonely and neglected. Have you thought of asking about her home life, in a non interrogating way. Warmer weather coming, do a picnic on the lawn and find out who she would bring to a picnic, fav teddy or doll . Start a dialogue to find out more.
I once opened my door to a police officer who told me he had found my son on the railway track and as he was 6 years old what would I like to say about it. It was 10pm.
Firstly, I told him I did not have a son, only daughters. The little boy lived near me, and gave my house number by mistake. He was eventually adopted I believe, but it still worries me that kids are alone day and night. And could be on a track.

**That was a very extreme case and very, very unusual.

But it did, and can, still happen.

Exactly this. Even a tragedy like the Bulger case happening once is once too many.
What other parents do with their kids is up to them but I’d damn well protect my children, by knowing who they play with and what address they live at. Next time she knocks on OPs door, she should escort her back to the grandparents home and find out what’s going on. It could all be perfectly innocent, in that case that would put my mind at rest.
It’s also about doing a welfare check on this other girl.

Mary Bell was also 10 years old.

Another very unusual case.

But the child the OP is talking about is not behaving in a 'usual' way.

I don't have ASD but was an only child and was always happy playing by myself, I always wanted to make the choice of asking someone over and at 8 really wouldn't have liked someone just rocking up and disturbing by day, especially if she was the kind of kid who decided what we played and how etc which it sounds like this girl could be. My mum knew this so would always tell whatever kid to wait, then come and ask me and if I said no she would then go tell them no, which was most of the time haha.
I cant believe her grandparents aren't more concerned, I can't imagine my dd just going into strangers houses without me knowing them or where she was, she could easily be going into a dangerous persons house/being groomed etc, they're very lucky you and your dh are not only good people but in jobs very well equipped to deal with vulnerable children.
I reiterate what pp have said and say she can't come in until you've met her grandparents and either she brings you to them or them to you or gives you the address.

Yeah I wouldn’t be happy with that, especially as your DD isn’t interested. I’d keep sending her away and try work out where she lives and have a chat with her guardians. Kids on our street play out together, as did I when I was young, but I would never have dreamed of knocking on a complete strangers door and being so pushy as some of the PPs experiences!

Given the fact that your DD doesn't want to play with her, you don't want to take responsibility for her, you know next to nothing about her and both your jobs, I'd say its a big no no.
It's very sad but I'd step away