For thinking that if a child comes to your house, you're responsible for them?

[SteveBuscemisRheumyEye]

There's a girl who lives near by who knocks on our front door every day, saying she wants to play with DD. DD does not want to play out so the girl asks to come in. At the moment I've had the reason of Covid for saying no to coming in, but DH thinks I'm BU not to allow them in the garden.

My issue is this - I know nothing about this kid other than her name and that she's 10. I think she lives with her grandparents locally, half the week. I've told her before that I really need to speak to them to check it's okay etc, and she just said "it's fine, they don't mind". Obviously I mind!

DH says just leave them to it and let them play in the garden, whereas I don't want to be responsible for a child that I know nothing about! DH thinks that I'm overthinking, but I work with vulnerable kids meaning my conduct in and outside of work needs to be impeccable. Imagine she had an accident or made a claim against one of us or something?

I asked where her grandparents live but she was quite evasive. She has also told my DD that she was excluded from the school DD goes to, and is now at a PRU. Is this colouring my view?

She's 10, DD is 8 and has ASD (if relevant!).

[quote Sadsiblingatsea]@Budapestdreams Why do you think that ‘the authorities’ would do a better job?
Since when did being kind hearted become a job farmed out to ‘the authorities’?
I just can’t believe what is happening to this country.
These marvellous ‘authorities’ that you speak so highly of, have been cut to the bone anyway.
When I was a kid we were in each other’s houses all the time. Parents may have thought it was a pain, but at least they didn’t use ‘safe-guarding’ as an excuse not to engage.
Good grief.[/quote]
But presumably your parents and the other parents half knew each other and things were reciprocated and would know who to contact in emergency?

This is literally a young girl knocking on a strangers door so not the same as what you're describing.

[quote Sadsiblingatsea]@Budapestdreams Why do you think that ‘the authorities’ would do a better job?
Since when did being kind hearted become a job farmed out to ‘the authorities’?
I just can’t believe what is happening to this country.
These marvellous ‘authorities’ that you speak so highly of, have been cut to the bone anyway.
When I was a kid we were in each other’s houses all the time. Parents may have thought it was a pain, but at least they didn’t use ‘safe-guarding’ as an excuse not to engage.
Good grief.[/quote]
But presumably your parents and the other parents half knew each other and things were reciprocated and would know who to contact in emergency?

This is literally a young girl knocking on a strangers door so not the same as what you're describing.

Send her home every time. It doesn't sound like your daughter will care, particularly, and this is just a disaster waiting to happen, if, as you say, she bumps herself or something at your house.

If the child is vulnerable, you can kinda see WHY if the people who are supposed to be caring for her are letting her go to the houses of perfect strangers regularly. How do they know you and your husband aren't axe murderers??

I would definitely be talking to social services and/or to the police and using the magic words "vulnerable" and "safeguarding"

When I was a kid we were in each other’s houses all the time. Parents may have thought it was a pain, but at least they didn’t use ‘safe-guarding’ as an excuse not to engage.

I played out with friends as a child too but the difference was that our parents knew whose house we'd be in and they knew each other too, which isn't the case here.

I would tell her to not knock again unless she is coming back with her grandparents so you can talk to them. If she knocks without them, just repeat that to her.

Wow what the hell has happened to community spirit? A girl frequently appears looking for company and someone to play with - a child? A child with vulnerabilities (ie excluded) - take her and say hey I'd love to meet your carers/ parents - lets go say hi.

It would take ten minutes and you can be checking up on her / her welfare at the same time.

I literally can't believe how mean people are sending her away and talking about her being a risk rather than a child who may be at risk.

Apart from anything she is a kid looking for other children to play with - didn't that used to be absolutely normal?

It’s not safe for her to be knocking on strangers doors asking to come in.

I’d insist on speaking to her carers. Either they don’t realise where she is/what she’s doing so need to know, or they don’t care so she needs outside help.

@Sarahandco you seem to be ignoring the fact the OP has already tried your suggestion, whenever she mentions going to see the grandparents the girl is evasive. How do you think the OP is going to force this to take her back to the house?

Absolutely agree that we are 'farming out kindness'.

And needing to know allergies before a kid comes in??? I have let neighbours kids in my house without taking a full inventory of possible allergies.

No wonder kids are miserable - playing with other children has become so suspicious now that people are talking about calling the police because a 10 year old knocks and asks if an 8 year old wants to play.

[quote Sadsiblingatsea]@Budapestdreams Why do you think that ‘the authorities’ would do a better job?
Since when did being kind hearted become a job farmed out to ‘the authorities’?
I just can’t believe what is happening to this country.
These marvellous ‘authorities’ that you speak so highly of, have been cut to the bone anyway.
When I was a kid we were in each other’s houses all the time. Parents may have thought it was a pain, but at least they didn’t use ‘safe-guarding’ as an excuse not to engage.
Good grief.[/quote]
Don't be ridiculous. I was born in the 50's and yes, we were in and out of the houses of loose of people - people our parents knew and they knew who we were with. Never on our own, and never without our parents knowledge. Not wrapped in cotton wool, but age appropriate permissions with parental agreement. We would never have been permitted to go knock on strangers doors and ask to go in their house. That is how children disappear or get abused by strangers. There was never an idyllic past when children were safe from strangers. The OP is a stranger. She and her husband are no doubt very nice. The grandparents don't know that. They may also be serial murderers or abusers.

What "the authorities" can do is scare the bloody hell out of irresponsible people who let a 10 year old child wonder around knocking on complete strangers doors. Before this is a tragedy.

If the girl is evasive Im sure a cheery and confident approach would work - has the OP said it kindly or in a mildly suspicous way 0 ie. 'so where are your grandparents eh'

If the OP said, sure we'd be happy for you to play here but can I please check your parents know where you are, what is your address Ill come and say hi - different matter.

[quote Sadsiblingatsea]@Budapestdreams Why do you think that ‘the authorities’ would do a better job?
Since when did being kind hearted become a job farmed out to ‘the authorities’?
I just can’t believe what is happening to this country.
These marvellous ‘authorities’ that you speak so highly of, have been cut to the bone anyway.
When I was a kid we were in each other’s houses all the time. Parents may have thought it was a pain, but at least they didn’t use ‘safe-guarding’ as an excuse not to engage.
Good grief.[/quote]
My kids play out, but they knock for their friends and don’t go into other peoples houses unless they let me know where they are.
Same rules as when I was a kid.

@Wondergirl100 wow what the hell happened to being able to read. The girl clearly doesn't want the OP to come to her house/meet the grandparents. So your idea of taking her hand would only work if the OP was willing to drag this girl down the street

I feel so sorry for the poor child OP but the most you can do is turn her away and report to SS.

@Wondergirl100

Absolutely agree that we are 'farming out kindness'.

And needing to know allergies before a kid comes in??? I have let neighbours kids in my house without taking a full inventory of possible allergies.

No wonder kids are miserable - playing with other children has become so suspicious now that people are talking about calling the police because a 10 year old knocks and asks if an 8 year old wants to play.

This ten year old is frequently and repeatedly knocking on a strangers door. AND HAD BEEN ASKED to get her care givers to soak to that stranger. Are you actually OK with your own child going around total strangers houses repeatedly?

Since when did being kind hearted become a job farmed out to ‘the authorities’? I just can’t believe what is happening to this country

What is happening is people are constantly showboating about being kind instead of using some bloody common sense.

I was free range seventies kid. Gangs of kids in and out of peoples houses a d farms. BUT we all knew who was who, and how to get hold of parents/ grandparents in an emergency. If a totally unknown kid rocked up, adults sent them packing.

@AMillionMilesAway

She's out knocking on strangers doors and asking to come into their house? Her grandparents or whoever she lives with need to know- that is a massive risk to her.

This. If you/DH work/have worked in a PRU surely you're aware that this needs reporting? She could knock on the wrong door - not everyone with children is nice. Bloody well report it immediately!

OP your child is not interested - that is all you need to know. Do not answer the door and respect your child's needs. How would you feel (any of us) if this was an adult knocking on uninvited. I'm sorry if it's harsh but I would put my family first and potentially raise as safeguarding, but no way would I put my child in centre of this.

Who lets their 10yo knock on random doors?

I wouldn't engage with an adult who allowed the child to do this.

If DD doesn't want to play out I wouldn't start inviting her in.
IME as terrible as it is DC who wander without any sign of parents ever are hard to get rid of they latch on for a normal life.
It is really sad I've been in the position a few times and although they're only DC when they fight for my attention over my own DC it gets awkward.
One of DS said he'd love to live here with us he is 6 his home life is unstable. I'd be devastated if my DC wanted another home life.

These days, yanbu. I would definitely want to make contact somehow. You will be responsible if there is an accident etc so makes sense to cover yourself

@Sadsiblingatsea

I just feel so sorry for this poor child. If it were me, I’d invite them in and find what on earth is going on. Follow your heart, not your head. People need to look out for vulnerable children, not go into ‘computer says no’ mode.

But how do you defend yourself against anyone that might make a malicious accusation against you? Why would any adult with knowledge of safeguarding invite an unknown and unrelated child into their home when they don't know the parents or guardians of the child? You may be acting out of kindness but it would be more sensible and effective to either contact the parents or this child's school if she is wandering around unsupervised and talking to strangers, this child is very vulnerable. Crossing boundaries won't help her in the long run.

I’d insist on walking back to her house with her so I could meet her family. Mostly because as a mum I want to know where my children are. My first assumption rightly or wrongly, would be that they’re wondering where she is and if she hurt herself at my house I wouldn’t know where she lived so I could let them know she needed them.

One of my children has ASD and no good comes from forcing friendships on him. If he doesn’t want to play with someone you can be damn sure that it won’t be happening so I can see the OP’s issue with just letting this kid round to play even if she did know their family. Have you never seen this girl out and about with anyone else adult wise or even an older child (sibling?) I’d be worrying about how far away she was roaming from home with no one apparently wondering where she’d gone.

@Wondergirl100

Wow what the hell has happened to community spirit? A girl frequently appears looking for company and someone to play with - a child? A child with vulnerabilities (ie excluded) - take her and say hey I'd love to meet your carers/ parents - lets go say hi.

It would take ten minutes and you can be checking up on her / her welfare at the same time.

I literally can't believe how mean people are sending her away and talking about her being a risk rather than a child who may be at risk.

Apart from anything she is a kid looking for other children to play with - didn't that used to be absolutely normal?

I agree, I can’t believe how many people are suggesting to keep sending the child away. There is clearly something not right and I’m shocked that if both the OP and her DH work with vulnerable children they don’t want to help or find out what’s going on with this child.

Everyone is talking about safeguarding, just not safeguarding this child.

Surely OP if you both work with vulnerable children you know people, social workers, police officers, someone you could ask to come and have an informal chat with her the next time she shows up.